All these pain
Once again, an entry in this journal would signify that I'm feeling emo, and that I have no one to talk to, or rather, the person whom i very much like to convey this message will be mad/upset/berserk if she reads this. So here I am rambling about my life.
Not that I have not tried communicating the pain, but I guess she will never understand. Afterall, I am the one who takes in the blows. At the end of the day, I need to feel the full extent of the pain to finally move my life forward, no pain no gain right? So what the heck, I know the truth hurts like hell, but I'm square faced front, ready to deal with it, punch me in the face, I bleed, i wipe the blood off, and i stand tall.
I never liked to be kept in the dark, even if the truth hurts, cause I will always feel that I'm killing myself if someday i discover the truth myself, I'd rather someone takes a gun and shoot me in the face.
I mean seriously, sometimes i wonder how much am i being valued. Am i entirely just a someone who can be taken for granted? Or am i seriously the pillar that you described me to be. It was a perfectly beautiful picture, until the reality kicks in and shows me otherwise. A painter can lie, but a photographer cant, what goes into the shutter gets reflected and worse still amplified in the most raw and gruesome way. While a painter can use their wildest imagination to paint the most perfect picture even though it does not exsist in reality, and sometimes i feel like i'm being painted. I am a photographer, I love the truth, i dun want to hide, i never liked to hide. But sometimes im being forced to be a painter.
Back to self-worth, being ditched not once but twice in a week sucks big time, I'm not going to hide, i'm fucking mad about it still, although i cant say this in your face in fear of you being angry with me, but seriously, dude pulling you away and you just allow him to sends a slap right across my face. I don't like it, it's no longer a matter of whether you do anything with him eventually, I believe you won't, cos you said so, and I have to trust you. But the act of not resisting a random guy pulling you away from me just literally casts a knife into my heart. I had worked so hard to make it happen, the long leaves to have a kickass birthday week for you etc. but all i get is to clear up the shit you left me, frens who aren even remotely important to me. Thanks to all that, i hated this week a hell lot.
Don't get me wrong, i still love her the same, but when theres love, i think theres hate too. They run side by side, its only seperated by a fine line and I'm dancing in and out. I wonder, when will i ever have to stop worrying. I've put in alot, life can never be the same without you, that i will know, and life is awesome, but bits and pieces like this sends shivers down my spine.
I'm scared, i really am, but i know i must press on, coz i love you, just the way you are, and i wouldn want anyone else but you. That i am absolutely sure.
So peace the crap out. it's over and im done venting.
Not that I have not tried communicating the pain, but I guess she will never understand. Afterall, I am the one who takes in the blows. At the end of the day, I need to feel the full extent of the pain to finally move my life forward, no pain no gain right? So what the heck, I know the truth hurts like hell, but I'm square faced front, ready to deal with it, punch me in the face, I bleed, i wipe the blood off, and i stand tall.
I never liked to be kept in the dark, even if the truth hurts, cause I will always feel that I'm killing myself if someday i discover the truth myself, I'd rather someone takes a gun and shoot me in the face.
I mean seriously, sometimes i wonder how much am i being valued. Am i entirely just a someone who can be taken for granted? Or am i seriously the pillar that you described me to be. It was a perfectly beautiful picture, until the reality kicks in and shows me otherwise. A painter can lie, but a photographer cant, what goes into the shutter gets reflected and worse still amplified in the most raw and gruesome way. While a painter can use their wildest imagination to paint the most perfect picture even though it does not exsist in reality, and sometimes i feel like i'm being painted. I am a photographer, I love the truth, i dun want to hide, i never liked to hide. But sometimes im being forced to be a painter.
Back to self-worth, being ditched not once but twice in a week sucks big time, I'm not going to hide, i'm fucking mad about it still, although i cant say this in your face in fear of you being angry with me, but seriously, dude pulling you away and you just allow him to sends a slap right across my face. I don't like it, it's no longer a matter of whether you do anything with him eventually, I believe you won't, cos you said so, and I have to trust you. But the act of not resisting a random guy pulling you away from me just literally casts a knife into my heart. I had worked so hard to make it happen, the long leaves to have a kickass birthday week for you etc. but all i get is to clear up the shit you left me, frens who aren even remotely important to me. Thanks to all that, i hated this week a hell lot.
Don't get me wrong, i still love her the same, but when theres love, i think theres hate too. They run side by side, its only seperated by a fine line and I'm dancing in and out. I wonder, when will i ever have to stop worrying. I've put in alot, life can never be the same without you, that i will know, and life is awesome, but bits and pieces like this sends shivers down my spine.
I'm scared, i really am, but i know i must press on, coz i love you, just the way you are, and i wouldn want anyone else but you. That i am absolutely sure.
So peace the crap out. it's over and im done venting.