Rebecca and the Sorceror's Stone - Chapter 3 part 2
Here's the second part! This is the bit where the long-ass Capslocked ranting bit occurs, so beware.
Disclaimers and Warnings from the last chapter still apply!
Please enjoy and send any constructive criticism!
"Good afternoon, class,"
"Good afternoon, Madame Hooch,"
Nagare: We needed to hear this, see, because these two lines are very central to the plot and characterisation of main characters.
"Good afternoon Amanda, good afternoon, Rebecca," Madame Hooch greeted as she passed us.
Mantra: Of course, the Sue gets an individual greeting. Because she’s already friends with ALL the professors. Because god forbid anyone IGNORE her!
"Welcome to your first flying lesson. Well what are you waiting for? Everyone step up to the left side of their broomstick. Come on now, hurry up," I quickly did so along with the rest of the class. "Now stick your right hand over the broom and say 'up',"
"Up!" Immediately, my broom sprang up from the ground and into my hand, nearly knocking me over with it's enthusiasm.
Nagare: Oh god, even the fucking BROOM is fawning over her! Will she spare NOTHING?
Mantra: Nah, I get the feeling that it’s trying it’s hardest to knock her head off. *Stands and salutes* We respect your efforts, Broom. May your soul rest in peace as the Sue defiles and uses you.
I looked around and noticed Harry's and Malfoy's brooms had done the same.
Mantra: *Sneers* For all her talk about how much she hates Malfoys, she sure describes them in pretty positive terms, huh? After all, she can’t possibly be mean to Malfoy when he’s so delicious and Hot.
I just sighed and held the broom though.
Nagare: Held the broom what? What are you going to do instead? Suethor, you have to actually THINK about what you are writing! I know it’s hard, but you have to WORK that brain cell!
Flying on a broomstick was not one of my talents. Fair at it, yes, great at it, no.
Mantra: Even in subjects that she’s not good at, she’ll still perform well enough to wow the crowd. Fantastic.
Nagare: Listen to that smug bitch talk about her ‘talents’. Lady, you have NO talents! Never have you shown any talent! You don’t perform any spells, you don’t talk about academics to anyone, and you don’t ever fucking READ!
Mantra: I dunno…she handled that train ride with Harry and Ron pretty well, so she must be ‘talented’ at least.
Nagare: STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT!
Flying alone got me a good yelling at from my father,
Nagare: BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT YOUR FUCKING SAFETY! If he really didn’t care about you, he wouldn’t mind letting a ten-year-old child fly alone hundreds of feet in the air. HE STOPPED YOU BECAUSE HE FUCKING CARED ABOUT YOU!
so I usually stuck with potions and spells.
Mantra: Neither of which you have shown the least amount of talent in, aside from rote memorisation.
Beside me, Hermione was having issues getting her broom to come to her,
Mantra: OH FUCK YOU, BITCH! You managed it peachy fine despite it not being ‘one of your talents’ and the most brilliant witch in fucking Hogwarts couldn’t? The level of Sue-ness is positively obscene now!
while farther down the line, Ron's broom suddenly swung up and hit him in the nose. Which gave both Harry and I a fit of chuckles.
Nagare: Yes. Laugh at your friend’s misfortune. I’m sure he appreciate that. Suethor, have you ever been hit in the face by a hard, wooden staff? Because I have, and it fucking hurts. Those things could break your nose like it’s made out of porcelain. If Ron hadn’t been building up his pain tolerance and reflexes, he would be seriously injured right now. Well, you go and laugh right away like the bitch you are then. At least you stop pretending to be oh so kind and shy!
"Oh shut up, Harry," Ron exclaimed, though I could see a hint of a smile on his face.
Nagare: Fucking hard, wooden staff with centrifugal force behind it! He’d be on the ground cradling a broken nose!
Mantra: But if he collapsed now, he’d draw attention to himself! We can’t have the camera hogged away from the Sue! It must be focused on her all the time! Who cares about a broken nose? He can just deal with that.
"Now once you've got hold of your broom, I want you to mount it.
Mantra: *Grins* Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
Nagare: What on earth…*Suddenly horrified* God, how do you live with a mind like that?
Mantra: *Grins even wider* How do you live without a mind like this?
When I blow my whistle, I want each of you to kick off from the ground, hard.
Mantra: Ooh~ Hooch likes it rough, huh?
Nagare: They’re perfectly innocent lines! How can you live going around imagining all these obscene implication into perfectly normal things?
Mantra: *Raises eyebrow* She just ordered her students to ‘mount’ something, and to do it ‘hard’. I don’t see what’s innocent about that.
Nagare: AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME SEE IT TOO!
Keep your broom steady,
Mantra: Oh yeah~ Steady and slow, that’s the way to go, babe.
Nagare: *Groans and buries face in hands* Fine. You keep doing that. I’m just going to shut up and pretend you don’t exist.
hover for a moment,
Mantra: Very interesting terminology.
then lean forward slightly and
Mantra: Thrust.
touch back down,"
Mantra: I think the author missed a ‘their’ in that sentence. *Smirks*
Everyone nodded and mounted their brooms,
Mantra: I see Hogwarts has their students very well trained. …Master? Come on! Don’t ignore me! This isn’t nearly as fun without you!
Nagare: *Glares* So you were only doing it to embarrass me?
Mantra: Nope! I’m still doing it to embarrass you! You’re so delicious when you’re blushing~
Nagare: *Blushes* Well, I’m not going to comment if all you can think about is fornication!
me, readying myself
Mantra: Quite experienced at this, isn’t she? I’m sure the students appreciated that.
Nagare: *Claps hands over ears and resolutely stares at far wall*
for bit of embarrassment.
Mantra: Oh, come on, now! After that train ride? I don’t believe you’re the least bit ‘embarrassed’ about this. Look over there, see Nagare? She’s embarrassed by this stuff, and she hasn’t even let me kiss her yet! What you are is a dirty little whore playing hard to get. *Snorts*
"On my whistle. Three, two-" EEEEEEK!
Nagare: *Cringes* Who the FUCK was that? What just happened? Did a rat get castrated?
Mantra: …I believe someone just had surprise buttsex with the narrator.
Nagare: …Okay, this fic is getting positively SURREAL now.
Neville began to hover on his broom and immediately began to freak out as he kept going higher. "Mr. Longbottom. Mr.- Mr. Longbottom!"
Nagare: *Squints* Is he calling his own name?
Mantra: A singularly bizarre fetish if I ever saw one.
Nagare: And who on earth is Mr. -? What kind of family has a freaking DASH as their last name?
Mantra: This is a Mary Sue fic! Of course we would have bizarre names coming out of our ears!
"Down! Down! Neville!" Everyone yelled
Mantra: Aw~ Come on! Why ruin his fun? He’s only just started ‘hovering’!
Nagare: *Returns to ignoring Mantra* No. I will not talk to you unless you stop doing that!
Mantra: The silent treatment, huh? You’re so cute sometimes.
Nagare: *Fumes with rage but refuses to say anything*
as Neville flew off and began to crash into everything until he started flying at the first year group,
Mantra: Ah, I see we’re back to the stunningly emotive description. Really, when you have an eleven-year-old kid on a rampaging broom hanging vicariously a few hundred feet from the ground, and you’re readers plain don’t give a fuck, you should probably consider stopping writing.
causing everyone to dive out of the way as he flew by.
Nagare: Yes, how DARE he inconvenience you by making you have to DUCK! Never mind that he’s probably scared out of his wits! Never mind that his fucking LIFE is in danger! Never mind he’s definitely going to get seriously hurt! Never mind that he has no idea what he’s doing! He’s just a meanie for accidentally diving at the Sue!
As Neville came into view again,
Nagare: When did he ever pass out of view? YOU HAVE TO INCLUDE THESE THINGS, SUETHOR! We need to have a sense of setting! Imagery! Description! Fucking details! A story needs them!
his cloak got caught on a statue and his broom flew out from under him.
Mantra: And there’s that stupid movie!Canon again. God, how I hate that. Look, Suethor, adaptations from movie to book is infinitely harder that the other way around! This scene was TENSE in the movie, the audience were worried because we SAW the broom go out of control! We saw how far he was off the ground! We saw how precarious his balance is! Your prose gave us NOTHING! For all we know, he could be 30 centimetres off the ground! Just because you’re writing for people who know the canon, doesn’t mean you don’t have to put an effort into making us VISUALISE things!
Suddenly he dropped to the ground in a heap, causing most of the girls to gasp in fright.
Nagare: And it’s only the girls who do that, because their delicate and sensitive and have the vapours. The Big Strong Men aren’t worried about their friend at all! *Narrows eyes* I’m going to have so much fun with that damned Sue.
Mantra: Look, I hate calling people sexist. Most people have the most nasty knee-jerk reaction to that. But here? THAT is blatant sexism, and I won’t stand for it. *Screams and punches a hole in the floor*
"Everyone out of the way!" Madame Hooch yelled as she ran over to Neville to proclaim that he had a broken wrist.
Nagare: I see that the diagnosis of a guy’s condition after he fell from god knows how high is so inconsequential that it does not even warrant direct dialogue. If the Suethor dares to pretend she cared about Neville at all after this, I’m going to join you in punching holes in the floor.
"Everyone is to keep their feet firmly on the ground while I take Mr. Longbottom to the hospital wing. Understand? If I see a single broom in the air the one riding it will find themselves
Mantra: (Hooch) Strapped to my Spanking Machine…
Nagare: *Baffled* I…don’t think I want to know.
out of Hogwarts before they can say 'Quidditch',"
And with that she and Neville were gone.
Mantra: Lucky bastards.
"Did you see his face?" Draco laughed, holding Neville's Remembrall which he must have dropped.
Nagare: No, really? I thought Neville totally still had it in his pocket! Whatever would I do without you holding my hand every step of the way?
"If the fat lump had given this a squeeze he would remember to fall on his fat ass,"
Mantra: *Rubs temples* Don’t love the Suethor’s originality? I mean, this is absolutely NOTHING like the Canon!
"Shut up, Draco," I exclaimed, stepping up to the boy while glaring at the boy as his eyes landed on me.
Mantra: No, really? I thought you would be glaring at the girl! God, this is so fucking BORING! There is just no way to make this funny! Look, viewers, I apologise if the Spork is sub-standard, but this chapter is literally nothing but copy-pasting! And we don’t even get that many good innuendos! We’re really trying our best here.
Nagare: What are you doing apologising to those bitches? They’re the ones who kicked us here in the first place! Do you like being a clown?
Mantra: I said the viewers. The authors are the ones who kicked us here. *Spits* If I ever find that bitch…
"Or what?" Draco challenged, moving to stand over me. I shrunk away as my courage dissipated which left Draco smiling.
Nagare: …Aren’t Gryffindors DEFINED by their courage and chivalry? She fucking wilts whenever someone confronts her and is clearly not at all concerned about her house mate being potentially grievously injured! Why did she fucking get sorted here? The Sorting Hat gave Harry a choice because he had the qualities of both houses! If you blatantly lacked the quality of a House, it wouldn’t fucking put you there!
Mantra: But all the Hot boys are in Gryffindor, so of course the Sue has to be there as well! How else will she get into their pants?
Nagare: *Snarls* It’s disgusting how much sense that makes.
"Give it here, Malfoy," Harry said firmly, stepping up to him with his hand outstretched.
Nagare: See? THAT is a Gryffindor! He never back down before his enemies and he CARED about his fucking friend! You should never have been in that House! You don’t deserve to be in any of the Houses! Go back to the whorehouse you came from and leave the fucking fandom alone!
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* Good to see you get passionate about the canon.
Nagare: Well, it can’t possibly be worse than this, so it obviously means that she’s defiling a piece of good literature. That is unforgivable. That warrants a slow and gore-y death.
Mantra: *Wide grin, showing far too much teeth* Which she shall receive. Good.
Draco turned and smiled. "No, I think I'll leave it somewhere for Longbottom to find," Draco stepped on his broom and riding through the crowd.
Nagare: *Stony silence* Okay, even I see the innuendo there.
Mantra: *Sighs* Even the quality of the innuendos are declining…Well, at least we only have two more pages left!
"How about on the roof?' he smiled as he flew high up into the air.
Mantra: The roofs are slanted, you dumb ass! It’ll just roll off and fall on the grass where Neville can easily find them!
"What's the matter Potter? Bit beyond you reach?" Draco called down.
Harry moved to get on his broom when Hermione and I stepped up beside him.
Nagare: As much as the Suethor hates Hermione, she sure wishes to do all the things Hermione did in canon, huh? Well, I wonder what that says…
Mantra: Aw, you knew the answer since chapter one! The damned Suethor is a conceited little bitch and should be smacked for it!
"Harry! No way! You heard what Madame Hooch said. Besides you don't even know how to fly," Hermione said quickly before Harry flew off without a word.
Nagare: Well, that was pointless.
Mantra: I know that’s what happened in the movies, but the way you word it here, you gave off two VERY unfortunate implications. One, that puny little women can only whine and wring their hands and fret whilst the Big Strong Men dash off on a rescue. And two, Harry doesn’t care about what his friends are thinking. In the movie, we can clearly see he’s mightily pissed off and Hermione is being authoritative, it’s just Harry who’s being an idiot. Here? Nope. Don’t see that at all. I just see a weepy, barefoot Hermione and a jerk-ass-y, pompous Harry. And if I find out you did this to make your avatar look better, you can be certain that I’ll make her PAY in our interrogation session.
"What an idiot," I murmured to Hermione who gave me a nod.
Nagare: Well, what a fat load of good she did. At least Hermione tried to get Harry to calm down and not get himself into trouble! Apparently, little Sue here just stood off to the side sneering over Harry’s stupidity and yet doing nothing to change it. And she has the audacity to demean Hermione for taking action. …I honestly can’t think of enough torture to make her fully pay for her crime.
Mantra: All the more reason to get creative then. I already have several fascinating fantasies.
"Give it here Malfoy or I'll knock you off your broom!" Harry threatened.
Nagare: And we, as readers, shall simply accept the fact that a scrawny eleven-year-old kid is, in fact, threatening. Because the Suethor has far more important things to do than give us a description.
"Is that so?" Draco smiled as he tossed the Remembrall into the air again. He had just caught it when Harry flew at him, grabbing for the ball,
Mantra: Oh! *Winces in sympathetic pain* That was a low shot.
Nagare: I’m…not even going to try figure that one out.
but Malfoy spun all the way around the broom
Mantra: *Sings* I spin you ‘round, baby, right round-
Nagare: Stop that! Somehow, that song makes me shiver.
and up sitting on his broom again, smiling back at Harry.
Nagare: I…uh…have no idea what he did just then. So I’m going to imagine he put himself into an invisible, floating washing machine. It makes more sense than this fic.
Mantra: I know. *Winks* Aren’t mental images simply great?
"Have it your way, then!"
Mantra: (Draco) Fine! You can be top this time! But next time, it’s my turn!
Nagare: *Concentrates and chants* Washing machine, washing machine, washing machine…
This that he chucked it into the air,
Nagare: What did he chuck into the air?
Mantra: This that. Since the Suethor couldn’t decide on which to use, she simply decided to use both. I wonder what that tactic did for her exams…
leaving Harry to speed past him and after it, catching it easily before he ran through a window. Everyone began to cheer loudly for Harry,
Nagare: *Boggles* He ran through a fucking WINDOW! Made out of GLASS! You’d have to be flying at a very high speed to do that, and not only will you be impacting a hard surface, you will also have shards of broken glass lacerating every inch of your skin! He shouldn’t be fucking ALIVE! Why the fuck are these people CHEERING?
Mantra: They’re glad that Harry’s doppelganger has finally died in a blaze of stupidity and the real Harry will be making his way back.
Nagare: *Sighs* If only that were true…
forgetting Draco completely.
Nagare: They SHOULD be forgetting Draco, but for the wrong reason! They fucking house mate just flew through a fucking WINDOW! He’s DYING if not DEAD right now!
Everyone ran at him as he landed,
Nagare: And…apparently he went flying back out the window and plunged to the ground from god knows how high…how the hell did the kid survive this?
Mantra: *Shrugs* Hey, if he died, it would seriously inconvenience the Sue, so I’m sure she’s got some idiotic excuse for this. After all, what’s the laws of physics when confronted with a Black Hole Sue such as this one?
cheering him on and saying how completely wicked it all had been.
Nagare: How completely wicked that he bashed his head against a window, got shredded by the broken glass, and then fell from a great height. You know, you really can’t blame the Sue for lacking sympathy if this level of concern for a human life is NORMAL for this universe.
Mantra: Nah, that’s all the works of the Sue. She’s twisting the very fabric of space and time in order to ensure her sick little fantasies come true…Ah, if only the Doctor would show up…
Nagare: I agree. Harry dearly needs a doctor here.
Mantra: *Sighs* Can’t our canon at least have Doctor Who in it? It’s really annoying when people just don’t get your references…
However, I spotted McGonagall a mile off.
Nagare: Because she does things better than everyone else! Of course she noticed, so she wouldn’t be humiliated by having McGonagall surprise her! God…What is her fucking PURPOSE in these stories? She doesn’t do anything! The events just follow canon! What the FUCK is she even doing here?
Mantra: Aside from fulfilling the Suethor’s fantasies about living in the Harry Potter universe? Pretty much none.
"Harry Potter! Follow me," The Slytherin kids began to chuckle softly beside me
Mantra: As they spontaneous began impersonating Dumbledore…
and I felt heat rise up in me,
Nagare: …I’ve seen her not CARING about her house mates, but to be actively TURNED ON by their suffering? That is just…oh wait, that’s another innuendo, isn’t it?
Mantra: *Giggles* Come join the Dark Side~ Embrace your true destiny~
not embarrassment. Anger.
Mantra: (Sue) HOW DARE HE GET INJURED JUST TO GET ATTENTION! HOW DARE HE HOG THE SPOTLIGHT! ONLY I MAY DO THAT! EVERYONE MUST BE FUSSING ABOUT ME! MEMEMEMEME!
"Shows him right," Draco murmured.
Nagare: And we end the section with another non-sequitur. How delightful. *Retches*
"Seeker? But first years never make the house teams. You must be the youngest Quidditch player in…"
Nagare: *Facepalm* Look, I’m not even going to try figure out who’s talking, much less what’s happening. I guess exposition isn’t good enough for the Suethor.
Mantra: Don’t worry. I’m sure the higher-ups would be more than happy to provide a fic that’s nothing but laundry-listed exposition for you.
Nagare: *Slams head against table* That’s not what I meant!
Mantra: *Shrugs* It’s not like they’re going to give us good fanfiction to read…
"A century. According to McGonagall," Harry finished for Ron as we made our way down the halls.
Nagare: Oh, she’s completely attached herself to the main characters now. Great.
Mantra: Yep. And soon, they won’t be able to live without her being around. She’s already sucking all the awesome from the canon. Soon, she will start on the life force of the main characters.
"Well done Harry! Wood's just told us!"
Nagare: Well done Harry…That is the most stupid name I have ever heard. People who want to name their kids after ways to cook steak should not be allowed to have them in the first place.
Mantra: I’m more worried about Wood’s what just told them.
Nagare: *Stares at Mantra in horror* God! Couldn’t you have kept it to yourself?
Mantra: Hey! Sharing’s caring, right?
one of Ron's brother smiled as he walked up beside us, the two brothers flanking us.
Nagare: *Rubs head* You know, Ron has a LOT of brothers. Would it kill you to specify? You certainly had no trouble detailing the exact movements of Snape’s eye!
Mantra: Ooh, but they’re the Weasleys, see? And the Weasleys never matter in fanfiction.
"Fred and George are on the team too. Beaters," Ron explained.
Nagare: How I wish they were Betas…
"Our job is to make sure that you don't get bloody up too bad.
Nagare: Their job is to make sure he’s not WHAT?
Mantra: It seems that their purpose is to prevent him from becoming Australian…I didn’t know that was a viable tactic in Quidditch.
Can't make any promises of course. Rough game Quidditch,"
Nagare: Rough game Quidditch? That the most stupid name for a sport I have ever seen!
Mantra: You have clearly never heard of underwater hockey…or synchronised skip-roping.
Nagare: *Buries face in hands* And these are the people we risk our lives to save…
"Brutal! But, nobody's died in years. Someone vanishes occasionally,"
"But they'll turn up in a month or two!"
Mantra: And here we see the Suethor suck all humour from some of the most brilliant lines in canon. She is the antithesis of funny, you know. She’s even starting to suck the funny from the spork!
With that the split off from us as we entered one of the courtyards.
Nagare: The WHAT split off from them? Seriously, Suethor, even if you didn’t have a Beta, don’t most typing programs have grammar and spelling checks built into them?
Mantra: And Hogwarts does not HAVE a courtyard! There’s the castle and then there’s the grounds! NO FUCKING COURTYARDS! Oh wait, I forgot. You were following movie canon because your puny little brain can't handle a book! *Snarls*
"Oh go on Harry!
Mantra: Please don’t. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it if you went on the toilet.
Quidditch is great," I encouraged him.
Nagare: …Two experienced players of Quidditch have just outlined how brutal the sport is, and her first reaction is to encourage him to join? Even assuming their last remarks were exaggerated, it’s still clear that the sport was extreme enough for the school to ban membership for first years! And it’s clearly dangerous enough to warrant two people devoted solely to preventing broken bones! And she doesn’t even worry about him? Doesn’t even try to persuade him to think this through? AND YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE SHE’S FUCKIGN CHIVALROUS? FUCK YOU, SUETHOR, FUCK YOU!
"Best game there is, and you'll be great too!" Ron agreed.
Mantra: And because of bad writing, Ron just randomly started singing the Sue’s praises for no reason…I see him doing that a lot in the near future, intentionally.
"But I've never even played Quidditch!" Harry exclaimed, turning too us. "What if I make a fool of myself?"
Nagare: Oh yes, when faced with the threat of broken bones and mysterious disappearing….he’s more concerned about embarrassing himself. How perfectly relatable. *Spits*
Mantra: This is why you don’t fucking deviate from canon! Harry wouldn’t say that! He’s absolutely thrilled to make it on the school team, because he was fucking neglected by the Dursleys! He’s attention starved! He’s jumping all over the chance to play in canon! It became his one obsession! AND DON’T YOU DARE IMPLY THE PERFECT GRYFFINDOR IS AFRAID! DON’T YOU DARE TRANSFER ALL YOUR SUE’S ACCIDENTAL FLAWS ONTO THE CANON CHARACTERS SO SHE’LL LOOK BETTER BY DEFAULT! AAAAAARGH! *Smashes the table* *Points at megaphone angrily* And don't you dare remind me that line was also in the movie! I'm not giving this Sue any excuses!
"You won't make a fool of yourself," Hermione said, appearing beside me.
Mantra: And a first year just mastered Apparating. This is so stupid, I don’t even know what to say anymore.
"It's in your blood,"
Mantra: NO! FUCKING NO! HERMIONE WOULDN’T FUCKING KNOW THAT! SHE’S NOT A FUCKING STALKER! WHY WOULD SHE BE THE ONE TO REVEAL THAT OF ALL PEOPLE? WHY NOT ONE OF THE TEACHERS WHO PROBABLY FUCKING TAUGHT HARRY’S FATHER? WHY NOT LET HIM FIND OUT HIMSELF, AND THUS BOND WITH WHATEVER FAINT MEMORY HE HAS OF HIS FATHER? WHY?
Nagare: And I love that logic. If you’re father’s great at something, you can’t possibly suck at it! Well, guess what? It doesn’t work that way! Just because your father was the greatest Quidditch player in the world, doesn’t guarantee you entry into major teams! Effort! Conflict! You have to make your characters WORK for what they want!
The three of us looked at her confused as she gestured for us to follow her, leading us to a display case, where she pointed to the name James Potter, inscribed on a plaque.
Nagare: And why couldn’t she just tell him this information? Was there any need for her to lead them on a detour like that? How far away were the display cases?
Mantra: Well, they were in the non-existent courtyard, and the display cases were on the third floor…so at least one dimension and three floors away.
Nagare: And all of those words could have been devoted to necessary exposition…God, this depresses me…
"Whoa! Harry, you never told me your father was a seeker too!" Ron exclaimed.
Nagare: Considering the guy was staring in confusion when Hermione mentioned his father, and considering he didn’t talk about his parents at all…has it ever entered your mind that he simply didn’t know? I mean, he was an orphan, for god’s sake!
Mantra: And she got so close to the point of the scene in canon, too! Ron wouldn’t be impressed that Harry’s father was just a seeker. Every damned Quidditch team has to have a seeker! Just because your father used to be gatekeeper in football, doesn’t mean he was any good at it! The point was that Harry’s father was the best seeker they’ve ever seen in years! It shows how much Harry resembles his father! It set up a pretty damned important plot point with Snape! You don’t gloss over things like that! If you want to copy-paste canon, copy-paste everything, goddamn it!
"I didn't know…" Harry said, his eyes transfixed on his fathers name.
Nagare: His multiple fathers’ name, apparently.
Mantra: And another lame, awkward ending. God, this thing makes Arianna Black sound smooth!
"I'm telling you, it's spooky!
Nagare: That’s not the exact word I would use, but the thought of doing six fics like this terrifies me, I’ll have to admit.
Mantra: The same thought pains me equally, I assure you. So, at least you are not alone in your suffering.
Hermione knows move about you than you do!"
Nagare: Has Harry just turned into a dance move?
Mantra: Or he’s just turned into a piece of furniture for Hermione to move…
Ron exclaimed as we walked up a flight of changing stairs.
Mantra: Grr…movie!Canon…
"Who doesn't?" Harry sighed before the staircase lurched and began to swing outward.
Nagare: We needed to know this…why? I mean, THIS is the most important piece of exposition that you think we need? Seriously?
Mantra: I wouldn’t be surprised. Have you seen what she thinks is intelligent?
Nagare: *Facepalm* I’ve seen trolls more intelligent than her…
Mantra: Not surprising, seeing as she is a troll.
"What's happening?"
"The staircases change, remember?" I said quickly holding onto the railing for dear life.
Mantra: *Twitch* THIS IS WHY I HATE MOVIE!CANON! THE GODDAMNED MOVIE'S STRONGEST POINT WAS THE VISUALS! GET RID OF THAT AND YOU'RE JUST LEFT WITH A BUNCH OF STUPID, STUPID CHARACTERS AND A FUCKING MARY SUE! THE STAIRS ARE CHANGING ALL THE FREAKING TIME, EVERY FEW SECONDS! HOW COULD YOU FUCKING FORGET THAT? ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK AROUND AND YOU’D BE CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT , GODDAMNED YES, THE STAIRS DO CHANGE! *Sighs wearily* Damn it, Capslocking takes a lot out of you…*Drinks water deeply* I want booze…
As the staircase stopped I took in a sigh of relief.
Mantra: THE CHANGES ARE THAT FREAKING FAST! PEOPLE WERE WALKING AROUND IT WITH NO PROBLEM AT ALL WHILST IT WAS CHANGING! YOU ARE A GODDAMNED PANSY, AND THAT IS THE END! Fucking Shinji Ikari’s easier to bear than this bitch…
Nagare: *Snorts* Fucking Shizuku handles things better than this bitch.
"Let's go this way," Harry said, taking the step two at a time to the next level.
Nagare: Where are they trying to get to in the first place? Their next class? The Great Hall? Their common room? Where? I doubt they’re allowed to just aimless wander around the school! But if they have someone to get to, why would they have the fucking time to explore the goddamned staircases? Characters need a REASON behind their actions! Sure, you can make your characters do whatever you want, but if you don’t display some restrain, suspension of disbelief is going to snap fast!
"Before the staircase moves again," Ron agreed as Harry led the four of us through the door on the level.
Mantra: She’s keeping it ambiguous, you see, so we won’t be all spoiled. But, of course, it falls flat, because in her attempt to keep the level vague, her prose becomes even more clunky that it was, and the readers figure out where they are instantly anyways. You’d have to try to fail this hard…
Nagare: Why would they be worried about the staircases moving? Even if they can swivel on their hinges, they’re still attached to the wall! It’s not like they can float away and carry the heroes to the goddamned Land of Oz! If they just stayed there, the stairs would eventually move back into their original places, and they can go where they want to go! These people are idiots!
Mantra: So it shouldn’t be that hard to sneak up on them and murder the shit out of them. I like that thought. Let me savour it for a while. *Wistful sigh*
As soon as we walked through the door, we were all greeted by huge ugly statues,
Mantra: (Statues) Ni!
Nagare: As soon as she sees something, she immediately starts pointing out all the negative traits, doesn’t she? And this just reeks of her indirectly praising her own good looks…*Spits*
a cold draft, darkness and cobwebs.
Mantra: Oh great, even the wind, darkness and cobwebs are kissing her shoes now. How low can this Sue sink?
"Does anyone else feel like we shouldn't be here in the creepy room?"
Mantra: You shouldn’t be in this goddamned universe! Get the fuck out!
"We're not supposed to be here. This is the third floor. It's forbidden!" Hermione immediately yelled at me.
Nagare: Wait, you mean, Hermione was there with them the entire time they were talking about her creepy she was because she knew stuff about Harry? Wow, what great people! Aren’t they the paragon of sensitivity and politeness? *Sighs* I see the Sue’s bitchiness has been rubbing off on the canon characters…
At her movement as she wheeled on me, the nearest torch lit up, causing us all to jump.
Mantra: And now Hogwarts has voice-activated torches. How fantastic. God...and it was a nice effect in the movie too, and you just ruined it...I can't even muster up the energy to rant...
"Let's go,"
Nagare: Seeing as we are not given a speaker, I can only assume that a random spectre said this.
Mantra: No, it was the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He’s a very kind and delicate soul.
We all turned as a cat meowed, to see Filch's cat sitting in the doorway, it's red eyes watching us as if we were her prey.
Mantra: And she just gave Mrs. Norris Red Eyes of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL. God I hate this bitch! Go eat her, Mrs Norris! You’ll do us all a favour!
"Filch's cat!"
"Run!"
Nagare: Said another two random spectres. Look, author, having dialogue which is not marked with a speaker is fine. But it’s only fine when all of your characters have distinct personalities and voices so the readers can still differentiate between who’s talking! All of your little creation sounds exactly the same to me! Any one of them could’ve said these lines! You fail at characterisation and you fail at exposition!
Mantra: The only thing she doesn’t fail at is failing, and that’s hardly an achievement.
We all turned tail and ran down the dark hallway.
Mantra: Like the embodiments of Gryffindor that we are.
"Quick, let's hide through that door!" Harry yelled,
Nagare: They’re trying to hide…and he’s yelling. Loudly. About precisely where they plan to hide themselves. The only comfort I can get from this is the knowledge that at least they won’t be able to hide from us when the time comes…
but as we reached, Harry yanked at the door to no avail. "It's locked!'
Nagare: AS IMPLIED BY THE PREVIOUS FUCKING PHRASE! WE FUCKING GET IT ALREADY! I know this is bad form, but damn I want to bash the Suethor’s brains in with a good book.
Mantra: Don’t worry, I, for one, agree with you completely. I’m thinking the hard-covered version of Writing For Dummies, here…
"That's it we're done for!" Ron cried.
Nagare: Yes, keep yelling, that will drive your enemies away and completely obscure your location. I can’t imagine why more people don’t do it when they’re trying to hide.
I rolled my eyes, taking out my wand. "Seriously? Move over," I sighed aiming my wand at the door latch. "Alohomora!" I whispered. When light shined through the keyhole I smiled and opened the door, pushing everyone inside.
"Alohomora?" Ron asked turning back to me as I closed the door.
"It's a standard spell. Not that hard," I said rolling my eyes again.
Mantra: *Sighs and runs hands over face* Once again, I left that in there so you get the full impact of how horrible that scene was. And I will have to rant again, at great length, using Capslocked…Damn it, I don’t want to, but here goes: YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU FUCKING, FUCKING, FUCKING, FUCKIN G BITCH! THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS SCENE, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START! FIRST OF ALL, SO GREAT OF YOU TO ACT ALL CONDESCENDING TO YOUR FRIENDS, HUH? YOU TALK ALL ABOUT HOW SHY AND TIMID YOU ARE, BUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE IS CLEARLY BEING A CONDESCENDING LITTLE BITCH! YES, HOW DARE THEY NOT KNOW A SPELL THAT THEY HAVE NOT YET BEEN TAUGHT IN CLASS! OBVIOUSLY, YOU MUST FLAUNT YOUR SUPERIORITY OVER THEM AND MAKE IT VERY CLEAR THAT YOU JUST FIND THEM OH SO EXASPERATING IN THEIR IGNORANCE! OH, HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY HOPE TO COPE WITHOUT YOUR GLORIOUS PRESENCE! YOU COULD’VE JUST QUIETLY HELP THEM,BUT NO! YOU HAD TO TAKE THE WHOLE DRAMATIC ROUTE AND FLOUNCE AND ROLL YOUR EYES AND SIGH IN FRUSTRATION AND MAKE THEM BEG FOR IT BEFORE YOU FUCKING HELP! AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO CALL THESE GUYS YOUR FRIENDS? SECOND OF ALL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT’S SO DIFFERENT FROM HERMIONE? IN FACT, YOU’RE WORSE THAN HER! SHE TALKS ABOUT HER KNOWLEDGE, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T KNOW YOU ALREADY KNEW IT AND WAS TRYING TO HELP! BECAUSE YOU NEVER DEEMED HER WORTHY TO TELL ABOUT YOUR OH SO AWESOME MASTERY OF VARIOUS SPELLS AND POTIONS! AND AT LEAST WHEN SHE WAS PRATTLING ABOUT MAGICAL THEORY, SHE WASN’T BEING ALL DRAMATIC AND CONDESCENDING! SHE TALKED TO YOU LIKE SHE WOULD ANY OTHER STUDENT! SHE DIDN’T ROLL HER EYES AND COMMAND YOU TO MOVE OVER LIKE YOU’RE A GODDAMNED DOG! SHE RESPECTED YOU! SHE TRIED TO BEFRIEND YOU! AND YOU INSULTED HER LIKE NO TOMORROW BECAUSE SHE’S JUST AS GOOD AS YOU, AND YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT! AND THEN YOU GO AND DO EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID IN CANON AND EXPECT THE AUDIENCE TO SALIVATE ALL OVER YOUR BOOTS! WELL, IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT! I STILL HATE YOU BITCH, AND I DOUBT THAT’S GOING TO CHANGE ANYTIME SOON! THIRD OF ALL, STOP FUCKING COPY-PASTING FROM CANON! OR IF YOU ARE GOING TO COPY-PASTE FROM CANON, DO IT THOROUGHLY! IF YOU HAVE TO SELF-INSERT INTO A FIC, AT LEAST GIVE US A SEMI-ORIGINAL STORYLINE! I DON’T CARE IF IT’S FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH CLICHES, AT LEAST IT’LL BE BOARDERLINE FUNNY! THIS IS JUST RIPPING OFF CANON WITH THE NAMES SWITCHED! IF YOU REALLY WORSHIP CANON THAT MUCH, JUST SCAN YOUR SORCEROR’S STONE COPY AND PUT THAT ONLINE! I’M SURE PLENTY OF PEOPLE WOULD APPRECIATE A FREE PDF COPY OF THAT BOOK! YOU COULD BE DOING GOOD, STOP CONTAMINATING CANON WITH YOUR GODDAMNED LITTLE SUE! IN CONCLUSION: FUCK YOU, I HATE YOU! ARGH! *Tears hair out*
Nagare: *Wry* At least now we know why she put three bloody disclaimers in the first Chapter. This things is nothing but plagiarism. She didn’t even try to put original material in here.
I moved away from the door to Harry's side as Ron and Hermione watched the door for Filch, but stopped when I got an eye full of what this room hid.
Mantra: Oh yeah? Well, here’s an eyeful for you! *Flips the screen off*
Nagare: The room is not hiding anything! It’s CONTAINING it! Verb noun agreement, goddamn it!
Before me was a three headed dog with a spiked collar on each neck. I froze where I stood and watched it for a moment, taking in the fact that one of it's paws was resting over a trapdoor.
Mantra: *Still rampaging* BECAUSE OF COURSE YOU WOULD HAVE TIME TO NOTICE A TEENY, TINY TRAPDOOR WHILST FACED WITH A FEARSOME THREE-HEADED BEAST! OF COURSE YOU WOULDN’T BE THE LEAST BIT SCARED ABOUT IT! OF COURSE YOU’RE ALL CALM AND COLLECTED! AND STOP STEALING HERMIONE’S SCENES, DAMN IT! YOU CANNOT HATE ON SOMEONE AND THEN GO DO EXACTLY WHAT THAT CHARACTER DID IN CANON! IT DOES NOT WORK! DOES! NOT! WORK!
Nagare: *Vaguely disturbed* That’s exactly what I was about to say…
When it began to wake up as Hermione and Ron walked up beside Harry and I, my eyes widened.
Mantra: THAT IS A HUMONGOUS FUCKING THREE-HEADED HELL-HOUND! YOU ARE A FUCKING ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD WAIF! YOU SHOULD BE ON THE GOUND, PISSING YOUR PANTS IN HORROR, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HOW EASILY MALFOY SCARED YOU OFF! DON’T GIVE ME THAT CALM AND COLLECTED BULLSHIT, I AINT BUYING IT! *Smashes half of couch*
Nagare: *Deflects debris with knives* I see the Suethor has no intention of improving her sentence structure…I’m not surprised.
"… locked,"
"And for good reason,"
Nagare: Said the omnipresent spectres.
The dog stood up and growled at us angrily.
Mantra: *Leaps up at screen* EAT THEM, FLUFFY! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! EAT THOSE FUCKING BITCHES!
"AHHHH!" we all screamed before turning tail and bolting out the door, turning to try to close the door again.
Mantra: AND FUCKING THANK YOU FOR RUINING ONE OF THE FUNNIEST MOMENTS IN THE GODDAMNED MOVIE!
Snapping jaws were right behind the door as we all pushed until the door clicked shut and we jumped backward.
Nagare: And I don’t care. Your protagonists have just been in a potentially life-threatening situation and have just discovered a major plot point that leads up to the climax, and I could not care less. Does that not tell you something, Suethor?
Mantra: *Snarling* IT TELLS YOU, YOU NEED TO FUCK OFF AND NEVER TOUCH ANOTHER KEYBOARD AGAIN IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE!
"What the bloody hell was that?" Ron yelled as we ran out of the third floor and up the stairs to the common room.
Nagare: A Sue. A fairly common creature in your universe, if I understand correctly. Don’t worry, help is on the way.
"What do they think they're doing? Keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?"
Nagare: They were hoping it would eat all of the Sues. Unfortunately, really. It would be very satisfying to see the little bitch get ripped apart and eaten.
Mantra: And that’s exactly what I plan to do with her when I’m finished! *Walks back to couch and curses wildly when she realises her end is utterly destroyed*
"You don't use your eyes do you?" I said quickly.
Mantra: *Stares at screen, wordless in outrage* THAT FUCKING BITCH! THERE ARE NO WORDS! THERE ARE LITERALLY NO WORDS THAT CAN POSSIBLY DESCRIBE THE LEVEL OF RAGE I’M AT HERE! THERE IS ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NO ONE I HATE MORE THAN HER! THAT! FUCKING! BITCH! ARGH! *Returns to rampaging*
"Didn't you see what it was standing on?"
Nagare: Unless it was standing on you, I’m not exactly interested. …Mantra, stop punching the walls. Let it out on the floor if you have to. If there’s a cave in, we’re screwed.
"I wasn't looking at its feet! I was a bit preoccupied with its heads. Or maybe you didn't notice… the three!" Ron exclaimed.
Nagare: The three what? What three? What the fuck are you even writing about? …Mantra, can’t you crush rocks a bit more quietly? I can’t hear myself talk here!
"It was standing on a trap door. It wasn't there by accident. It's guarding something," I said as we all came to a stop at our doors into our rooms.
Mantra: *Stops using fists and starts banging head against the floor*
"Guarding something?" Harry asked, looking confused.
Mantra: *Shrieks and continues head-flooring*
Nagare: *Takes a deep breath and seethes with rage*
"That's right," Hermione interrupted.
Mantra: *Screaming* SEE? HERMIONE FUCKING NOTICED AS WELL! SO DON’T YOU DARE GO AROUND STEALING HER CHARACTERISATION AND GLORY! YOU ARE A FUCKING WHORE! YOU’RE A FUCKING WHORE AND I’M GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN WITH YOU, YOU’RE REINCARNATION WILL FEAR MY NAME! *Screams*
"Now, if you three don't mind, I'm going to bed before either of you come up with another clever idea to get killed or worse… expelled," With that she turned and went into our room.
"She needs to sort out her priorities," Ron murmured to us, making me smile as I followed Hermione.
Mantra: THANK FUCKING GOD THAT’S OVER BECAUSE I’M LEAVING AND I’M NEVER FUCKING COMING BACK AND I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER USING PROPER PUNCTUATION BECAUSE THIS THINGS IS OBSCENE AND IT’S NOT WORTH THE FUCKING EFFORT SO FUCK YOU AND GOOD BYE!
A long silence ensued as Mantra stood up at the centre of the mini-crater she had created.
‘Ahem, well…’ Someone spoke nervously into the microphone, though the tone was utterly lost to the two women in the small room. ‘You are free to leave by the door to your right hand side. You shall be summoned back when you’re expertise is next requested.’
Mantra stalked off to the door, nearly jerked it off its hinges and left without another word. Nagare followed with a low sigh, running a tired eye over the state of the room and an equally tired hand over her own face.
‘Well…You were right…I doubt those two could’ve survived another chapter…’
‘You’re always far too optimist when it comes to pushing characters.’
‘Anyways, I’ve got to go contact the other group…I hear it’s going to be their first spork too, so it should be fun…’ Loud, rapid pattering sounded as someone ran off lightly.
A sigh, and a rustle of material as someone sat down in exasperation.
Ah well, as long as a fresh group of sporkers are taking over, how bad can things possibly get?
Somewhere far, far away, Fate laughed.
Go Forward to: Chapter 4, Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 3, Part 1
Disclaimers and Warnings from the last chapter still apply!
Please enjoy and send any constructive criticism!
"Good afternoon, class,"
"Good afternoon, Madame Hooch,"
Nagare: We needed to hear this, see, because these two lines are very central to the plot and characterisation of main characters.
"Good afternoon Amanda, good afternoon, Rebecca," Madame Hooch greeted as she passed us.
Mantra: Of course, the Sue gets an individual greeting. Because she’s already friends with ALL the professors. Because god forbid anyone IGNORE her!
"Welcome to your first flying lesson. Well what are you waiting for? Everyone step up to the left side of their broomstick. Come on now, hurry up," I quickly did so along with the rest of the class. "Now stick your right hand over the broom and say 'up',"
"Up!" Immediately, my broom sprang up from the ground and into my hand, nearly knocking me over with it's enthusiasm.
Nagare: Oh god, even the fucking BROOM is fawning over her! Will she spare NOTHING?
Mantra: Nah, I get the feeling that it’s trying it’s hardest to knock her head off. *Stands and salutes* We respect your efforts, Broom. May your soul rest in peace as the Sue defiles and uses you.
I looked around and noticed Harry's and Malfoy's brooms had done the same.
Mantra: *Sneers* For all her talk about how much she hates Malfoys, she sure describes them in pretty positive terms, huh? After all, she can’t possibly be mean to Malfoy when he’s so delicious and Hot.
I just sighed and held the broom though.
Nagare: Held the broom what? What are you going to do instead? Suethor, you have to actually THINK about what you are writing! I know it’s hard, but you have to WORK that brain cell!
Flying on a broomstick was not one of my talents. Fair at it, yes, great at it, no.
Mantra: Even in subjects that she’s not good at, she’ll still perform well enough to wow the crowd. Fantastic.
Nagare: Listen to that smug bitch talk about her ‘talents’. Lady, you have NO talents! Never have you shown any talent! You don’t perform any spells, you don’t talk about academics to anyone, and you don’t ever fucking READ!
Mantra: I dunno…she handled that train ride with Harry and Ron pretty well, so she must be ‘talented’ at least.
Nagare: STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT!
Flying alone got me a good yelling at from my father,
Nagare: BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT YOUR FUCKING SAFETY! If he really didn’t care about you, he wouldn’t mind letting a ten-year-old child fly alone hundreds of feet in the air. HE STOPPED YOU BECAUSE HE FUCKING CARED ABOUT YOU!
so I usually stuck with potions and spells.
Mantra: Neither of which you have shown the least amount of talent in, aside from rote memorisation.
Beside me, Hermione was having issues getting her broom to come to her,
Mantra: OH FUCK YOU, BITCH! You managed it peachy fine despite it not being ‘one of your talents’ and the most brilliant witch in fucking Hogwarts couldn’t? The level of Sue-ness is positively obscene now!
while farther down the line, Ron's broom suddenly swung up and hit him in the nose. Which gave both Harry and I a fit of chuckles.
Nagare: Yes. Laugh at your friend’s misfortune. I’m sure he appreciate that. Suethor, have you ever been hit in the face by a hard, wooden staff? Because I have, and it fucking hurts. Those things could break your nose like it’s made out of porcelain. If Ron hadn’t been building up his pain tolerance and reflexes, he would be seriously injured right now. Well, you go and laugh right away like the bitch you are then. At least you stop pretending to be oh so kind and shy!
"Oh shut up, Harry," Ron exclaimed, though I could see a hint of a smile on his face.
Nagare: Fucking hard, wooden staff with centrifugal force behind it! He’d be on the ground cradling a broken nose!
Mantra: But if he collapsed now, he’d draw attention to himself! We can’t have the camera hogged away from the Sue! It must be focused on her all the time! Who cares about a broken nose? He can just deal with that.
"Now once you've got hold of your broom, I want you to mount it.
Mantra: *Grins* Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
Nagare: What on earth…*Suddenly horrified* God, how do you live with a mind like that?
Mantra: *Grins even wider* How do you live without a mind like this?
When I blow my whistle, I want each of you to kick off from the ground, hard.
Mantra: Ooh~ Hooch likes it rough, huh?
Nagare: They’re perfectly innocent lines! How can you live going around imagining all these obscene implication into perfectly normal things?
Mantra: *Raises eyebrow* She just ordered her students to ‘mount’ something, and to do it ‘hard’. I don’t see what’s innocent about that.
Nagare: AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME SEE IT TOO!
Keep your broom steady,
Mantra: Oh yeah~ Steady and slow, that’s the way to go, babe.
Nagare: *Groans and buries face in hands* Fine. You keep doing that. I’m just going to shut up and pretend you don’t exist.
hover for a moment,
Mantra: Very interesting terminology.
then lean forward slightly and
Mantra: Thrust.
touch back down,"
Mantra: I think the author missed a ‘their’ in that sentence. *Smirks*
Everyone nodded and mounted their brooms,
Mantra: I see Hogwarts has their students very well trained. …Master? Come on! Don’t ignore me! This isn’t nearly as fun without you!
Nagare: *Glares* So you were only doing it to embarrass me?
Mantra: Nope! I’m still doing it to embarrass you! You’re so delicious when you’re blushing~
Nagare: *Blushes* Well, I’m not going to comment if all you can think about is fornication!
me, readying myself
Mantra: Quite experienced at this, isn’t she? I’m sure the students appreciated that.
Nagare: *Claps hands over ears and resolutely stares at far wall*
for bit of embarrassment.
Mantra: Oh, come on, now! After that train ride? I don’t believe you’re the least bit ‘embarrassed’ about this. Look over there, see Nagare? She’s embarrassed by this stuff, and she hasn’t even let me kiss her yet! What you are is a dirty little whore playing hard to get. *Snorts*
"On my whistle. Three, two-" EEEEEEK!
Nagare: *Cringes* Who the FUCK was that? What just happened? Did a rat get castrated?
Mantra: …I believe someone just had surprise buttsex with the narrator.
Nagare: …Okay, this fic is getting positively SURREAL now.
Neville began to hover on his broom and immediately began to freak out as he kept going higher. "Mr. Longbottom. Mr.- Mr. Longbottom!"
Nagare: *Squints* Is he calling his own name?
Mantra: A singularly bizarre fetish if I ever saw one.
Nagare: And who on earth is Mr. -? What kind of family has a freaking DASH as their last name?
Mantra: This is a Mary Sue fic! Of course we would have bizarre names coming out of our ears!
"Down! Down! Neville!" Everyone yelled
Mantra: Aw~ Come on! Why ruin his fun? He’s only just started ‘hovering’!
Nagare: *Returns to ignoring Mantra* No. I will not talk to you unless you stop doing that!
Mantra: The silent treatment, huh? You’re so cute sometimes.
Nagare: *Fumes with rage but refuses to say anything*
as Neville flew off and began to crash into everything until he started flying at the first year group,
Mantra: Ah, I see we’re back to the stunningly emotive description. Really, when you have an eleven-year-old kid on a rampaging broom hanging vicariously a few hundred feet from the ground, and you’re readers plain don’t give a fuck, you should probably consider stopping writing.
causing everyone to dive out of the way as he flew by.
Nagare: Yes, how DARE he inconvenience you by making you have to DUCK! Never mind that he’s probably scared out of his wits! Never mind that his fucking LIFE is in danger! Never mind he’s definitely going to get seriously hurt! Never mind that he has no idea what he’s doing! He’s just a meanie for accidentally diving at the Sue!
As Neville came into view again,
Nagare: When did he ever pass out of view? YOU HAVE TO INCLUDE THESE THINGS, SUETHOR! We need to have a sense of setting! Imagery! Description! Fucking details! A story needs them!
his cloak got caught on a statue and his broom flew out from under him.
Mantra: And there’s that stupid movie!Canon again. God, how I hate that. Look, Suethor, adaptations from movie to book is infinitely harder that the other way around! This scene was TENSE in the movie, the audience were worried because we SAW the broom go out of control! We saw how far he was off the ground! We saw how precarious his balance is! Your prose gave us NOTHING! For all we know, he could be 30 centimetres off the ground! Just because you’re writing for people who know the canon, doesn’t mean you don’t have to put an effort into making us VISUALISE things!
Suddenly he dropped to the ground in a heap, causing most of the girls to gasp in fright.
Nagare: And it’s only the girls who do that, because their delicate and sensitive and have the vapours. The Big Strong Men aren’t worried about their friend at all! *Narrows eyes* I’m going to have so much fun with that damned Sue.
Mantra: Look, I hate calling people sexist. Most people have the most nasty knee-jerk reaction to that. But here? THAT is blatant sexism, and I won’t stand for it. *Screams and punches a hole in the floor*
"Everyone out of the way!" Madame Hooch yelled as she ran over to Neville to proclaim that he had a broken wrist.
Nagare: I see that the diagnosis of a guy’s condition after he fell from god knows how high is so inconsequential that it does not even warrant direct dialogue. If the Suethor dares to pretend she cared about Neville at all after this, I’m going to join you in punching holes in the floor.
"Everyone is to keep their feet firmly on the ground while I take Mr. Longbottom to the hospital wing. Understand? If I see a single broom in the air the one riding it will find themselves
Mantra: (Hooch) Strapped to my Spanking Machine…
Nagare: *Baffled* I…don’t think I want to know.
out of Hogwarts before they can say 'Quidditch',"
And with that she and Neville were gone.
Mantra: Lucky bastards.
"Did you see his face?" Draco laughed, holding Neville's Remembrall which he must have dropped.
Nagare: No, really? I thought Neville totally still had it in his pocket! Whatever would I do without you holding my hand every step of the way?
"If the fat lump had given this a squeeze he would remember to fall on his fat ass,"
Mantra: *Rubs temples* Don’t love the Suethor’s originality? I mean, this is absolutely NOTHING like the Canon!
"Shut up, Draco," I exclaimed, stepping up to the boy while glaring at the boy as his eyes landed on me.
Mantra: No, really? I thought you would be glaring at the girl! God, this is so fucking BORING! There is just no way to make this funny! Look, viewers, I apologise if the Spork is sub-standard, but this chapter is literally nothing but copy-pasting! And we don’t even get that many good innuendos! We’re really trying our best here.
Nagare: What are you doing apologising to those bitches? They’re the ones who kicked us here in the first place! Do you like being a clown?
Mantra: I said the viewers. The authors are the ones who kicked us here. *Spits* If I ever find that bitch…
"Or what?" Draco challenged, moving to stand over me. I shrunk away as my courage dissipated which left Draco smiling.
Nagare: …Aren’t Gryffindors DEFINED by their courage and chivalry? She fucking wilts whenever someone confronts her and is clearly not at all concerned about her house mate being potentially grievously injured! Why did she fucking get sorted here? The Sorting Hat gave Harry a choice because he had the qualities of both houses! If you blatantly lacked the quality of a House, it wouldn’t fucking put you there!
Mantra: But all the Hot boys are in Gryffindor, so of course the Sue has to be there as well! How else will she get into their pants?
Nagare: *Snarls* It’s disgusting how much sense that makes.
"Give it here, Malfoy," Harry said firmly, stepping up to him with his hand outstretched.
Nagare: See? THAT is a Gryffindor! He never back down before his enemies and he CARED about his fucking friend! You should never have been in that House! You don’t deserve to be in any of the Houses! Go back to the whorehouse you came from and leave the fucking fandom alone!
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* Good to see you get passionate about the canon.
Nagare: Well, it can’t possibly be worse than this, so it obviously means that she’s defiling a piece of good literature. That is unforgivable. That warrants a slow and gore-y death.
Mantra: *Wide grin, showing far too much teeth* Which she shall receive. Good.
Draco turned and smiled. "No, I think I'll leave it somewhere for Longbottom to find," Draco stepped on his broom and riding through the crowd.
Nagare: *Stony silence* Okay, even I see the innuendo there.
Mantra: *Sighs* Even the quality of the innuendos are declining…Well, at least we only have two more pages left!
"How about on the roof?' he smiled as he flew high up into the air.
Mantra: The roofs are slanted, you dumb ass! It’ll just roll off and fall on the grass where Neville can easily find them!
"What's the matter Potter? Bit beyond you reach?" Draco called down.
Harry moved to get on his broom when Hermione and I stepped up beside him.
Nagare: As much as the Suethor hates Hermione, she sure wishes to do all the things Hermione did in canon, huh? Well, I wonder what that says…
Mantra: Aw, you knew the answer since chapter one! The damned Suethor is a conceited little bitch and should be smacked for it!
"Harry! No way! You heard what Madame Hooch said. Besides you don't even know how to fly," Hermione said quickly before Harry flew off without a word.
Nagare: Well, that was pointless.
Mantra: I know that’s what happened in the movies, but the way you word it here, you gave off two VERY unfortunate implications. One, that puny little women can only whine and wring their hands and fret whilst the Big Strong Men dash off on a rescue. And two, Harry doesn’t care about what his friends are thinking. In the movie, we can clearly see he’s mightily pissed off and Hermione is being authoritative, it’s just Harry who’s being an idiot. Here? Nope. Don’t see that at all. I just see a weepy, barefoot Hermione and a jerk-ass-y, pompous Harry. And if I find out you did this to make your avatar look better, you can be certain that I’ll make her PAY in our interrogation session.
"What an idiot," I murmured to Hermione who gave me a nod.
Nagare: Well, what a fat load of good she did. At least Hermione tried to get Harry to calm down and not get himself into trouble! Apparently, little Sue here just stood off to the side sneering over Harry’s stupidity and yet doing nothing to change it. And she has the audacity to demean Hermione for taking action. …I honestly can’t think of enough torture to make her fully pay for her crime.
Mantra: All the more reason to get creative then. I already have several fascinating fantasies.
"Give it here Malfoy or I'll knock you off your broom!" Harry threatened.
Nagare: And we, as readers, shall simply accept the fact that a scrawny eleven-year-old kid is, in fact, threatening. Because the Suethor has far more important things to do than give us a description.
"Is that so?" Draco smiled as he tossed the Remembrall into the air again. He had just caught it when Harry flew at him, grabbing for the ball,
Mantra: Oh! *Winces in sympathetic pain* That was a low shot.
Nagare: I’m…not even going to try figure that one out.
but Malfoy spun all the way around the broom
Mantra: *Sings* I spin you ‘round, baby, right round-
Nagare: Stop that! Somehow, that song makes me shiver.
and up sitting on his broom again, smiling back at Harry.
Nagare: I…uh…have no idea what he did just then. So I’m going to imagine he put himself into an invisible, floating washing machine. It makes more sense than this fic.
Mantra: I know. *Winks* Aren’t mental images simply great?
"Have it your way, then!"
Mantra: (Draco) Fine! You can be top this time! But next time, it’s my turn!
Nagare: *Concentrates and chants* Washing machine, washing machine, washing machine…
This that he chucked it into the air,
Nagare: What did he chuck into the air?
Mantra: This that. Since the Suethor couldn’t decide on which to use, she simply decided to use both. I wonder what that tactic did for her exams…
leaving Harry to speed past him and after it, catching it easily before he ran through a window. Everyone began to cheer loudly for Harry,
Nagare: *Boggles* He ran through a fucking WINDOW! Made out of GLASS! You’d have to be flying at a very high speed to do that, and not only will you be impacting a hard surface, you will also have shards of broken glass lacerating every inch of your skin! He shouldn’t be fucking ALIVE! Why the fuck are these people CHEERING?
Mantra: They’re glad that Harry’s doppelganger has finally died in a blaze of stupidity and the real Harry will be making his way back.
Nagare: *Sighs* If only that were true…
forgetting Draco completely.
Nagare: They SHOULD be forgetting Draco, but for the wrong reason! They fucking house mate just flew through a fucking WINDOW! He’s DYING if not DEAD right now!
Everyone ran at him as he landed,
Nagare: And…apparently he went flying back out the window and plunged to the ground from god knows how high…how the hell did the kid survive this?
Mantra: *Shrugs* Hey, if he died, it would seriously inconvenience the Sue, so I’m sure she’s got some idiotic excuse for this. After all, what’s the laws of physics when confronted with a Black Hole Sue such as this one?
cheering him on and saying how completely wicked it all had been.
Nagare: How completely wicked that he bashed his head against a window, got shredded by the broken glass, and then fell from a great height. You know, you really can’t blame the Sue for lacking sympathy if this level of concern for a human life is NORMAL for this universe.
Mantra: Nah, that’s all the works of the Sue. She’s twisting the very fabric of space and time in order to ensure her sick little fantasies come true…Ah, if only the Doctor would show up…
Nagare: I agree. Harry dearly needs a doctor here.
Mantra: *Sighs* Can’t our canon at least have Doctor Who in it? It’s really annoying when people just don’t get your references…
However, I spotted McGonagall a mile off.
Nagare: Because she does things better than everyone else! Of course she noticed, so she wouldn’t be humiliated by having McGonagall surprise her! God…What is her fucking PURPOSE in these stories? She doesn’t do anything! The events just follow canon! What the FUCK is she even doing here?
Mantra: Aside from fulfilling the Suethor’s fantasies about living in the Harry Potter universe? Pretty much none.
"Harry Potter! Follow me," The Slytherin kids began to chuckle softly beside me
Mantra: As they spontaneous began impersonating Dumbledore…
and I felt heat rise up in me,
Nagare: …I’ve seen her not CARING about her house mates, but to be actively TURNED ON by their suffering? That is just…oh wait, that’s another innuendo, isn’t it?
Mantra: *Giggles* Come join the Dark Side~ Embrace your true destiny~
not embarrassment. Anger.
Mantra: (Sue) HOW DARE HE GET INJURED JUST TO GET ATTENTION! HOW DARE HE HOG THE SPOTLIGHT! ONLY I MAY DO THAT! EVERYONE MUST BE FUSSING ABOUT ME! MEMEMEMEME!
"Shows him right," Draco murmured.
Nagare: And we end the section with another non-sequitur. How delightful. *Retches*
"Seeker? But first years never make the house teams. You must be the youngest Quidditch player in…"
Nagare: *Facepalm* Look, I’m not even going to try figure out who’s talking, much less what’s happening. I guess exposition isn’t good enough for the Suethor.
Mantra: Don’t worry. I’m sure the higher-ups would be more than happy to provide a fic that’s nothing but laundry-listed exposition for you.
Nagare: *Slams head against table* That’s not what I meant!
Mantra: *Shrugs* It’s not like they’re going to give us good fanfiction to read…
"A century. According to McGonagall," Harry finished for Ron as we made our way down the halls.
Nagare: Oh, she’s completely attached herself to the main characters now. Great.
Mantra: Yep. And soon, they won’t be able to live without her being around. She’s already sucking all the awesome from the canon. Soon, she will start on the life force of the main characters.
"Well done Harry! Wood's just told us!"
Nagare: Well done Harry…That is the most stupid name I have ever heard. People who want to name their kids after ways to cook steak should not be allowed to have them in the first place.
Mantra: I’m more worried about Wood’s what just told them.
Nagare: *Stares at Mantra in horror* God! Couldn’t you have kept it to yourself?
Mantra: Hey! Sharing’s caring, right?
one of Ron's brother smiled as he walked up beside us, the two brothers flanking us.
Nagare: *Rubs head* You know, Ron has a LOT of brothers. Would it kill you to specify? You certainly had no trouble detailing the exact movements of Snape’s eye!
Mantra: Ooh, but they’re the Weasleys, see? And the Weasleys never matter in fanfiction.
"Fred and George are on the team too. Beaters," Ron explained.
Nagare: How I wish they were Betas…
"Our job is to make sure that you don't get bloody up too bad.
Nagare: Their job is to make sure he’s not WHAT?
Mantra: It seems that their purpose is to prevent him from becoming Australian…I didn’t know that was a viable tactic in Quidditch.
Can't make any promises of course. Rough game Quidditch,"
Nagare: Rough game Quidditch? That the most stupid name for a sport I have ever seen!
Mantra: You have clearly never heard of underwater hockey…or synchronised skip-roping.
Nagare: *Buries face in hands* And these are the people we risk our lives to save…
"Brutal! But, nobody's died in years. Someone vanishes occasionally,"
"But they'll turn up in a month or two!"
Mantra: And here we see the Suethor suck all humour from some of the most brilliant lines in canon. She is the antithesis of funny, you know. She’s even starting to suck the funny from the spork!
With that the split off from us as we entered one of the courtyards.
Nagare: The WHAT split off from them? Seriously, Suethor, even if you didn’t have a Beta, don’t most typing programs have grammar and spelling checks built into them?
Mantra: And Hogwarts does not HAVE a courtyard! There’s the castle and then there’s the grounds! NO FUCKING COURTYARDS! Oh wait, I forgot. You were following movie canon because your puny little brain can't handle a book! *Snarls*
"Oh go on Harry!
Mantra: Please don’t. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it if you went on the toilet.
Quidditch is great," I encouraged him.
Nagare: …Two experienced players of Quidditch have just outlined how brutal the sport is, and her first reaction is to encourage him to join? Even assuming their last remarks were exaggerated, it’s still clear that the sport was extreme enough for the school to ban membership for first years! And it’s clearly dangerous enough to warrant two people devoted solely to preventing broken bones! And she doesn’t even worry about him? Doesn’t even try to persuade him to think this through? AND YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE SHE’S FUCKIGN CHIVALROUS? FUCK YOU, SUETHOR, FUCK YOU!
"Best game there is, and you'll be great too!" Ron agreed.
Mantra: And because of bad writing, Ron just randomly started singing the Sue’s praises for no reason…I see him doing that a lot in the near future, intentionally.
"But I've never even played Quidditch!" Harry exclaimed, turning too us. "What if I make a fool of myself?"
Nagare: Oh yes, when faced with the threat of broken bones and mysterious disappearing….he’s more concerned about embarrassing himself. How perfectly relatable. *Spits*
Mantra: This is why you don’t fucking deviate from canon! Harry wouldn’t say that! He’s absolutely thrilled to make it on the school team, because he was fucking neglected by the Dursleys! He’s attention starved! He’s jumping all over the chance to play in canon! It became his one obsession! AND DON’T YOU DARE IMPLY THE PERFECT GRYFFINDOR IS AFRAID! DON’T YOU DARE TRANSFER ALL YOUR SUE’S ACCIDENTAL FLAWS ONTO THE CANON CHARACTERS SO SHE’LL LOOK BETTER BY DEFAULT! AAAAAARGH! *Smashes the table* *Points at megaphone angrily* And don't you dare remind me that line was also in the movie! I'm not giving this Sue any excuses!
"You won't make a fool of yourself," Hermione said, appearing beside me.
Mantra: And a first year just mastered Apparating. This is so stupid, I don’t even know what to say anymore.
"It's in your blood,"
Mantra: NO! FUCKING NO! HERMIONE WOULDN’T FUCKING KNOW THAT! SHE’S NOT A FUCKING STALKER! WHY WOULD SHE BE THE ONE TO REVEAL THAT OF ALL PEOPLE? WHY NOT ONE OF THE TEACHERS WHO PROBABLY FUCKING TAUGHT HARRY’S FATHER? WHY NOT LET HIM FIND OUT HIMSELF, AND THUS BOND WITH WHATEVER FAINT MEMORY HE HAS OF HIS FATHER? WHY?
Nagare: And I love that logic. If you’re father’s great at something, you can’t possibly suck at it! Well, guess what? It doesn’t work that way! Just because your father was the greatest Quidditch player in the world, doesn’t guarantee you entry into major teams! Effort! Conflict! You have to make your characters WORK for what they want!
The three of us looked at her confused as she gestured for us to follow her, leading us to a display case, where she pointed to the name James Potter, inscribed on a plaque.
Nagare: And why couldn’t she just tell him this information? Was there any need for her to lead them on a detour like that? How far away were the display cases?
Mantra: Well, they were in the non-existent courtyard, and the display cases were on the third floor…so at least one dimension and three floors away.
Nagare: And all of those words could have been devoted to necessary exposition…God, this depresses me…
"Whoa! Harry, you never told me your father was a seeker too!" Ron exclaimed.
Nagare: Considering the guy was staring in confusion when Hermione mentioned his father, and considering he didn’t talk about his parents at all…has it ever entered your mind that he simply didn’t know? I mean, he was an orphan, for god’s sake!
Mantra: And she got so close to the point of the scene in canon, too! Ron wouldn’t be impressed that Harry’s father was just a seeker. Every damned Quidditch team has to have a seeker! Just because your father used to be gatekeeper in football, doesn’t mean he was any good at it! The point was that Harry’s father was the best seeker they’ve ever seen in years! It shows how much Harry resembles his father! It set up a pretty damned important plot point with Snape! You don’t gloss over things like that! If you want to copy-paste canon, copy-paste everything, goddamn it!
"I didn't know…" Harry said, his eyes transfixed on his fathers name.
Nagare: His multiple fathers’ name, apparently.
Mantra: And another lame, awkward ending. God, this thing makes Arianna Black sound smooth!
"I'm telling you, it's spooky!
Nagare: That’s not the exact word I would use, but the thought of doing six fics like this terrifies me, I’ll have to admit.
Mantra: The same thought pains me equally, I assure you. So, at least you are not alone in your suffering.
Hermione knows move about you than you do!"
Nagare: Has Harry just turned into a dance move?
Mantra: Or he’s just turned into a piece of furniture for Hermione to move…
Ron exclaimed as we walked up a flight of changing stairs.
Mantra: Grr…movie!Canon…
"Who doesn't?" Harry sighed before the staircase lurched and began to swing outward.
Nagare: We needed to know this…why? I mean, THIS is the most important piece of exposition that you think we need? Seriously?
Mantra: I wouldn’t be surprised. Have you seen what she thinks is intelligent?
Nagare: *Facepalm* I’ve seen trolls more intelligent than her…
Mantra: Not surprising, seeing as she is a troll.
"What's happening?"
"The staircases change, remember?" I said quickly holding onto the railing for dear life.
Mantra: *Twitch* THIS IS WHY I HATE MOVIE!CANON! THE GODDAMNED MOVIE'S STRONGEST POINT WAS THE VISUALS! GET RID OF THAT AND YOU'RE JUST LEFT WITH A BUNCH OF STUPID, STUPID CHARACTERS AND A FUCKING MARY SUE! THE STAIRS ARE CHANGING ALL THE FREAKING TIME, EVERY FEW SECONDS! HOW COULD YOU FUCKING FORGET THAT? ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK AROUND AND YOU’D BE CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT , GODDAMNED YES, THE STAIRS DO CHANGE! *Sighs wearily* Damn it, Capslocking takes a lot out of you…*Drinks water deeply* I want booze…
As the staircase stopped I took in a sigh of relief.
Mantra: THE CHANGES ARE THAT FREAKING FAST! PEOPLE WERE WALKING AROUND IT WITH NO PROBLEM AT ALL WHILST IT WAS CHANGING! YOU ARE A GODDAMNED PANSY, AND THAT IS THE END! Fucking Shinji Ikari’s easier to bear than this bitch…
Nagare: *Snorts* Fucking Shizuku handles things better than this bitch.
"Let's go this way," Harry said, taking the step two at a time to the next level.
Nagare: Where are they trying to get to in the first place? Their next class? The Great Hall? Their common room? Where? I doubt they’re allowed to just aimless wander around the school! But if they have someone to get to, why would they have the fucking time to explore the goddamned staircases? Characters need a REASON behind their actions! Sure, you can make your characters do whatever you want, but if you don’t display some restrain, suspension of disbelief is going to snap fast!
"Before the staircase moves again," Ron agreed as Harry led the four of us through the door on the level.
Mantra: She’s keeping it ambiguous, you see, so we won’t be all spoiled. But, of course, it falls flat, because in her attempt to keep the level vague, her prose becomes even more clunky that it was, and the readers figure out where they are instantly anyways. You’d have to try to fail this hard…
Nagare: Why would they be worried about the staircases moving? Even if they can swivel on their hinges, they’re still attached to the wall! It’s not like they can float away and carry the heroes to the goddamned Land of Oz! If they just stayed there, the stairs would eventually move back into their original places, and they can go where they want to go! These people are idiots!
Mantra: So it shouldn’t be that hard to sneak up on them and murder the shit out of them. I like that thought. Let me savour it for a while. *Wistful sigh*
As soon as we walked through the door, we were all greeted by huge ugly statues,
Mantra: (Statues) Ni!
Nagare: As soon as she sees something, she immediately starts pointing out all the negative traits, doesn’t she? And this just reeks of her indirectly praising her own good looks…*Spits*
a cold draft, darkness and cobwebs.
Mantra: Oh great, even the wind, darkness and cobwebs are kissing her shoes now. How low can this Sue sink?
"Does anyone else feel like we shouldn't be here in the creepy room?"
Mantra: You shouldn’t be in this goddamned universe! Get the fuck out!
"We're not supposed to be here. This is the third floor. It's forbidden!" Hermione immediately yelled at me.
Nagare: Wait, you mean, Hermione was there with them the entire time they were talking about her creepy she was because she knew stuff about Harry? Wow, what great people! Aren’t they the paragon of sensitivity and politeness? *Sighs* I see the Sue’s bitchiness has been rubbing off on the canon characters…
At her movement as she wheeled on me, the nearest torch lit up, causing us all to jump.
Mantra: And now Hogwarts has voice-activated torches. How fantastic. God...and it was a nice effect in the movie too, and you just ruined it...I can't even muster up the energy to rant...
"Let's go,"
Nagare: Seeing as we are not given a speaker, I can only assume that a random spectre said this.
Mantra: No, it was the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He’s a very kind and delicate soul.
We all turned as a cat meowed, to see Filch's cat sitting in the doorway, it's red eyes watching us as if we were her prey.
Mantra: And she just gave Mrs. Norris Red Eyes of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL. God I hate this bitch! Go eat her, Mrs Norris! You’ll do us all a favour!
"Filch's cat!"
"Run!"
Nagare: Said another two random spectres. Look, author, having dialogue which is not marked with a speaker is fine. But it’s only fine when all of your characters have distinct personalities and voices so the readers can still differentiate between who’s talking! All of your little creation sounds exactly the same to me! Any one of them could’ve said these lines! You fail at characterisation and you fail at exposition!
Mantra: The only thing she doesn’t fail at is failing, and that’s hardly an achievement.
We all turned tail and ran down the dark hallway.
Mantra: Like the embodiments of Gryffindor that we are.
"Quick, let's hide through that door!" Harry yelled,
Nagare: They’re trying to hide…and he’s yelling. Loudly. About precisely where they plan to hide themselves. The only comfort I can get from this is the knowledge that at least they won’t be able to hide from us when the time comes…
but as we reached, Harry yanked at the door to no avail. "It's locked!'
Nagare: AS IMPLIED BY THE PREVIOUS FUCKING PHRASE! WE FUCKING GET IT ALREADY! I know this is bad form, but damn I want to bash the Suethor’s brains in with a good book.
Mantra: Don’t worry, I, for one, agree with you completely. I’m thinking the hard-covered version of Writing For Dummies, here…
"That's it we're done for!" Ron cried.
Nagare: Yes, keep yelling, that will drive your enemies away and completely obscure your location. I can’t imagine why more people don’t do it when they’re trying to hide.
I rolled my eyes, taking out my wand. "Seriously? Move over," I sighed aiming my wand at the door latch. "Alohomora!" I whispered. When light shined through the keyhole I smiled and opened the door, pushing everyone inside.
"Alohomora?" Ron asked turning back to me as I closed the door.
"It's a standard spell. Not that hard," I said rolling my eyes again.
Mantra: *Sighs and runs hands over face* Once again, I left that in there so you get the full impact of how horrible that scene was. And I will have to rant again, at great length, using Capslocked…Damn it, I don’t want to, but here goes: YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU FUCKING, FUCKING, FUCKING, FUCKIN G BITCH! THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS SCENE, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START! FIRST OF ALL, SO GREAT OF YOU TO ACT ALL CONDESCENDING TO YOUR FRIENDS, HUH? YOU TALK ALL ABOUT HOW SHY AND TIMID YOU ARE, BUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE IS CLEARLY BEING A CONDESCENDING LITTLE BITCH! YES, HOW DARE THEY NOT KNOW A SPELL THAT THEY HAVE NOT YET BEEN TAUGHT IN CLASS! OBVIOUSLY, YOU MUST FLAUNT YOUR SUPERIORITY OVER THEM AND MAKE IT VERY CLEAR THAT YOU JUST FIND THEM OH SO EXASPERATING IN THEIR IGNORANCE! OH, HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY HOPE TO COPE WITHOUT YOUR GLORIOUS PRESENCE! YOU COULD’VE JUST QUIETLY HELP THEM,BUT NO! YOU HAD TO TAKE THE WHOLE DRAMATIC ROUTE AND FLOUNCE AND ROLL YOUR EYES AND SIGH IN FRUSTRATION AND MAKE THEM BEG FOR IT BEFORE YOU FUCKING HELP! AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO CALL THESE GUYS YOUR FRIENDS? SECOND OF ALL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT’S SO DIFFERENT FROM HERMIONE? IN FACT, YOU’RE WORSE THAN HER! SHE TALKS ABOUT HER KNOWLEDGE, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T KNOW YOU ALREADY KNEW IT AND WAS TRYING TO HELP! BECAUSE YOU NEVER DEEMED HER WORTHY TO TELL ABOUT YOUR OH SO AWESOME MASTERY OF VARIOUS SPELLS AND POTIONS! AND AT LEAST WHEN SHE WAS PRATTLING ABOUT MAGICAL THEORY, SHE WASN’T BEING ALL DRAMATIC AND CONDESCENDING! SHE TALKED TO YOU LIKE SHE WOULD ANY OTHER STUDENT! SHE DIDN’T ROLL HER EYES AND COMMAND YOU TO MOVE OVER LIKE YOU’RE A GODDAMNED DOG! SHE RESPECTED YOU! SHE TRIED TO BEFRIEND YOU! AND YOU INSULTED HER LIKE NO TOMORROW BECAUSE SHE’S JUST AS GOOD AS YOU, AND YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT! AND THEN YOU GO AND DO EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID IN CANON AND EXPECT THE AUDIENCE TO SALIVATE ALL OVER YOUR BOOTS! WELL, IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT! I STILL HATE YOU BITCH, AND I DOUBT THAT’S GOING TO CHANGE ANYTIME SOON! THIRD OF ALL, STOP FUCKING COPY-PASTING FROM CANON! OR IF YOU ARE GOING TO COPY-PASTE FROM CANON, DO IT THOROUGHLY! IF YOU HAVE TO SELF-INSERT INTO A FIC, AT LEAST GIVE US A SEMI-ORIGINAL STORYLINE! I DON’T CARE IF IT’S FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH CLICHES, AT LEAST IT’LL BE BOARDERLINE FUNNY! THIS IS JUST RIPPING OFF CANON WITH THE NAMES SWITCHED! IF YOU REALLY WORSHIP CANON THAT MUCH, JUST SCAN YOUR SORCEROR’S STONE COPY AND PUT THAT ONLINE! I’M SURE PLENTY OF PEOPLE WOULD APPRECIATE A FREE PDF COPY OF THAT BOOK! YOU COULD BE DOING GOOD, STOP CONTAMINATING CANON WITH YOUR GODDAMNED LITTLE SUE! IN CONCLUSION: FUCK YOU, I HATE YOU! ARGH! *Tears hair out*
Nagare: *Wry* At least now we know why she put three bloody disclaimers in the first Chapter. This things is nothing but plagiarism. She didn’t even try to put original material in here.
I moved away from the door to Harry's side as Ron and Hermione watched the door for Filch, but stopped when I got an eye full of what this room hid.
Mantra: Oh yeah? Well, here’s an eyeful for you! *Flips the screen off*
Nagare: The room is not hiding anything! It’s CONTAINING it! Verb noun agreement, goddamn it!
Before me was a three headed dog with a spiked collar on each neck. I froze where I stood and watched it for a moment, taking in the fact that one of it's paws was resting over a trapdoor.
Mantra: *Still rampaging* BECAUSE OF COURSE YOU WOULD HAVE TIME TO NOTICE A TEENY, TINY TRAPDOOR WHILST FACED WITH A FEARSOME THREE-HEADED BEAST! OF COURSE YOU WOULDN’T BE THE LEAST BIT SCARED ABOUT IT! OF COURSE YOU’RE ALL CALM AND COLLECTED! AND STOP STEALING HERMIONE’S SCENES, DAMN IT! YOU CANNOT HATE ON SOMEONE AND THEN GO DO EXACTLY WHAT THAT CHARACTER DID IN CANON! IT DOES NOT WORK! DOES! NOT! WORK!
Nagare: *Vaguely disturbed* That’s exactly what I was about to say…
When it began to wake up as Hermione and Ron walked up beside Harry and I, my eyes widened.
Mantra: THAT IS A HUMONGOUS FUCKING THREE-HEADED HELL-HOUND! YOU ARE A FUCKING ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD WAIF! YOU SHOULD BE ON THE GOUND, PISSING YOUR PANTS IN HORROR, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HOW EASILY MALFOY SCARED YOU OFF! DON’T GIVE ME THAT CALM AND COLLECTED BULLSHIT, I AINT BUYING IT! *Smashes half of couch*
Nagare: *Deflects debris with knives* I see the Suethor has no intention of improving her sentence structure…I’m not surprised.
"… locked,"
"And for good reason,"
Nagare: Said the omnipresent spectres.
The dog stood up and growled at us angrily.
Mantra: *Leaps up at screen* EAT THEM, FLUFFY! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! EAT THOSE FUCKING BITCHES!
"AHHHH!" we all screamed before turning tail and bolting out the door, turning to try to close the door again.
Mantra: AND FUCKING THANK YOU FOR RUINING ONE OF THE FUNNIEST MOMENTS IN THE GODDAMNED MOVIE!
Snapping jaws were right behind the door as we all pushed until the door clicked shut and we jumped backward.
Nagare: And I don’t care. Your protagonists have just been in a potentially life-threatening situation and have just discovered a major plot point that leads up to the climax, and I could not care less. Does that not tell you something, Suethor?
Mantra: *Snarling* IT TELLS YOU, YOU NEED TO FUCK OFF AND NEVER TOUCH ANOTHER KEYBOARD AGAIN IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE!
"What the bloody hell was that?" Ron yelled as we ran out of the third floor and up the stairs to the common room.
Nagare: A Sue. A fairly common creature in your universe, if I understand correctly. Don’t worry, help is on the way.
"What do they think they're doing? Keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?"
Nagare: They were hoping it would eat all of the Sues. Unfortunately, really. It would be very satisfying to see the little bitch get ripped apart and eaten.
Mantra: And that’s exactly what I plan to do with her when I’m finished! *Walks back to couch and curses wildly when she realises her end is utterly destroyed*
"You don't use your eyes do you?" I said quickly.
Mantra: *Stares at screen, wordless in outrage* THAT FUCKING BITCH! THERE ARE NO WORDS! THERE ARE LITERALLY NO WORDS THAT CAN POSSIBLY DESCRIBE THE LEVEL OF RAGE I’M AT HERE! THERE IS ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NO ONE I HATE MORE THAN HER! THAT! FUCKING! BITCH! ARGH! *Returns to rampaging*
"Didn't you see what it was standing on?"
Nagare: Unless it was standing on you, I’m not exactly interested. …Mantra, stop punching the walls. Let it out on the floor if you have to. If there’s a cave in, we’re screwed.
"I wasn't looking at its feet! I was a bit preoccupied with its heads. Or maybe you didn't notice… the three!" Ron exclaimed.
Nagare: The three what? What three? What the fuck are you even writing about? …Mantra, can’t you crush rocks a bit more quietly? I can’t hear myself talk here!
"It was standing on a trap door. It wasn't there by accident. It's guarding something," I said as we all came to a stop at our doors into our rooms.
Mantra: *Stops using fists and starts banging head against the floor*
"Guarding something?" Harry asked, looking confused.
Mantra: *Shrieks and continues head-flooring*
Nagare: *Takes a deep breath and seethes with rage*
"That's right," Hermione interrupted.
Mantra: *Screaming* SEE? HERMIONE FUCKING NOTICED AS WELL! SO DON’T YOU DARE GO AROUND STEALING HER CHARACTERISATION AND GLORY! YOU ARE A FUCKING WHORE! YOU’RE A FUCKING WHORE AND I’M GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN WITH YOU, YOU’RE REINCARNATION WILL FEAR MY NAME! *Screams*
"Now, if you three don't mind, I'm going to bed before either of you come up with another clever idea to get killed or worse… expelled," With that she turned and went into our room.
"She needs to sort out her priorities," Ron murmured to us, making me smile as I followed Hermione.
Mantra: THANK FUCKING GOD THAT’S OVER BECAUSE I’M LEAVING AND I’M NEVER FUCKING COMING BACK AND I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER USING PROPER PUNCTUATION BECAUSE THIS THINGS IS OBSCENE AND IT’S NOT WORTH THE FUCKING EFFORT SO FUCK YOU AND GOOD BYE!
A long silence ensued as Mantra stood up at the centre of the mini-crater she had created.
‘Ahem, well…’ Someone spoke nervously into the microphone, though the tone was utterly lost to the two women in the small room. ‘You are free to leave by the door to your right hand side. You shall be summoned back when you’re expertise is next requested.’
Mantra stalked off to the door, nearly jerked it off its hinges and left without another word. Nagare followed with a low sigh, running a tired eye over the state of the room and an equally tired hand over her own face.
‘Well…You were right…I doubt those two could’ve survived another chapter…’
‘You’re always far too optimist when it comes to pushing characters.’
‘Anyways, I’ve got to go contact the other group…I hear it’s going to be their first spork too, so it should be fun…’ Loud, rapid pattering sounded as someone ran off lightly.
A sigh, and a rustle of material as someone sat down in exasperation.
Ah well, as long as a fresh group of sporkers are taking over, how bad can things possibly get?
Somewhere far, far away, Fate laughed.
Go Forward to: Chapter 4, Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 3, Part 1