Rebecca and the Sorceror's Stone - Chapter 3 part 1
I apologise if the sporkers seem a bit out-of-character with how short-tempered they seem, they're breaking down a little as well after three chapters of this travesty. Thankfully, they won't have to spork another chapter for quite some time...
Constructive criticism is welcome~
Enjoy~
Disclaimer: Rebecca and the Sorceror's Stone is written by Rogue Metamorph, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7406128/1/Rebecca_and_the_Sorcerers_Stone. I do not own the story and I do not wish to own it. Harry Potter and its related material belongs to J. K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made off this. Mantra and Nagare belong to me and my lovely friends.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Summary of fic: The Harry Potter series, with all the major actions performed by a Sue. Features much hypocrisy, head-injury inducing bad writing and gratuitous character bashing.
Rating of fic: K+
Warning for Spork: Many, many F-bombs, and long Capslocked ranting that is not easy on the eye, mild innuendos, flirting between two females characters and non-explicit imagined violence.
Sporkers: Mantra and Nagare
‘Do you really think it’s okay to push them like this? If this goes on any longer, I don’t think they’ll be able to take it.’
‘Nonsense. They’re the most stable people we’ve got on hand. Those two aren’t the type to simply break down in the face of pain.’
‘You saw what happened last chapter. I really don’t think they can do this. At least, not alone.’
‘They’ve got a nice dynamic going on, though, and a nice division of duty. That’ll keep them going for now. Not to mention, they’re not going to do this alone. Another group of Sporkers have called me and requested the next Chapter of this thing. After that, I’ve got another group all lined up and ready to go. They won’t have to come back for another three Chapters after this one.’
‘That’s good, then. I’m still a bit worried, though.’
‘Don’t worry. I’ve seen these guys work. They have a nasty tendency to get a bit wordy, but they’re good at this. Mantra, especially.’
There was a strange snorting noise. ‘Given what she is, I’m not exactly surprised.’
‘Anyways, break’s almost over. I’ve got to go call them back in.’
Someone sighed rather sympathetically. ‘I feel their pain…’
‘Hey! It’s my job!’ A series of light tapping noises, the sound of sneakers pounding against hard concrete, and a light click as a microphone is switched on. Someone cleared their throat. ‘Please proceed to the Sporking Chamber, your break is over.’
A groan was heard over the microphone. A black-haired teenager could be seen standing up rather wearily on the large screen. A red-headed woman followed her with a look of exasperated resignation.
‘Oh, and good news!’ The tone was initially enthusiastic, however, the digital modifications make that hard to tell. ‘Other groups of Sporkers have decided to take over this for a few Chapters. If my estimation is right, you’ll be able to rest for three Chapters after this one!’
There was a rather unsettling silence on the other end.
Finally, the black-haired teenager spoke. ‘Okay. What’s the catch?’
‘Nope. No catch. At all.’ The same exaggeratedly enthusiastic tone. ‘In fact, you'll even still get to hunt down the Sue and dispatch her! The other groups are not interested, apparently.’
‘She'd better be ours! We're the ones who started this thing!’ The red-headed woman demanded as she sat down on the saggy couch with a huff.
‘Oh, I'm sure she'll be all yours...’ A rustle of fabric as someone fidgeted, ‘Eh, it'll all work out. Anyways, onward with the Spork!’
Chapter 3: First Day:
Mantra: Well, what do you know. This chapters almost as long as the last one.
Nagare: *Stares* Oh, for the love of…Is there no end to this thing?
The next day Hermione woke me up early, not a good idea,
Nagare: YOU FUCKING BITCH! IT’S YOUR FUCKING FIRST DAY OF FUCKING CLASS! SHE’S FUCKING TRYING TO HELP! IF IT WEREN’T FOR HER, YOU’D BE FUCKING LATE, AND THEN YOU’LL GET INTO FUCKING TROUBLE ON YOUR FUCKING FIRST DAY OF FUCKING CLASS! SHE’S FUCKING LOOKING OUT FOR YOU AND BEING FUCKING NICE! AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO HER? YOU’RE FUCKING ELEVEN YEARS OLD! YOU ARE NOT FUCKING THREATENING! YOU’RE JUST MAKING YOURSELF SOUND LIKE A FUCKING PETULENT, UNGRATEFUL CHILD! FUCK YOU! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK YOU!
Mantra: *Flatly* And we start off with carpet F-bombing…Not bad at all. Really. I’m so looking forward to this. The little bitch.
and the two of us walked to our first class with Professor McGonagall together,
Mantra: Without dressing or going to breakfast. Because the Sue’s too good for that.
all the while Hermione spouting random facts on things she had learned.
Nagare: SHE’S TRYING TO FUCKING HELP! SHE’S THINKING OF YOU AS A FUCKING FRIEND AND TRYING TO PREPARE YOU FOR CLASSES! SHE’S MAKING FUCKING CONVERSATION! See? There are so many positive implications that can be derived from the fact that someone is filling you in about the curriculum on your first day of class! You know you’re just grabbing at straws to shit on her character! Well, you know what? All this is accomplishing is making the readers want to stab your fucking eyes out! I don’t care who we’re competing against, I want this bitch for myself!
Mantra: Don’t worry. As long as I get a piece of her for myself, I’ll make sure that no one else gets to her before we do.
I had long since tuned her out,
Nagare: And you expect me to believe that you’re SO intellectual and intelligent? Someone is talking about finer points of the curriculum, and you are not at all interested in discussing it with them? Sharing your interpretation? Even paying attention in case there were some things you didn’t know about? As soon as someone talks about academics, you just tune it right out? If this bitch gets any higher than a ‘pass’ at any subject, I’m leaving.
Mantra: Face it, this is a blatant self-insertion. The Suethor wants to be all smart and better, but her punny little brain just can’t understand how intelligent people think. And, Suethor, you can’t create antagonists out of NOWHERE. You have to give your character a fucking REASON for hating the people she do. Hermione hasn’t been acting any different than Harry and Ron. Your little Sue enjoyed Ron prattling on about Chocolate Frogs cards, but can’t handle any talk about their next classes? You’re just a jealous little bitch who doesn’t get laid enough, and that's it.
but when we entered the classroom, the talking finally stopped.
Nagare: BITCH! *Runs hands over face tiredly* God, this thing is lowering my faith in humanity faster than the fucking Organization is…
Mantra: There, there, keep it together. We can have comfort sex after this Chapter’s done.
Nagare: *Shoves Mantra away* No! Especially not after the last Chapter!
Inside the classroom were long lines of desks and a cat sitting on the desk at the head of the room.
Mantra: Ah, such vivid descriptions. Can’t you see the classroom as though it’s right before your eyes? Can’t you feel the very atmosphere of anticipation and excitement and wonder? No? Neither can I.
Nagare: *Facepalm* We spent an entire Chapter on how ‘special’ the Sue is, and we can’t spare more than two lines for their first sight at their classroom? A classroom they will be visiting frequently during the year, so it’s good for the reader to have an image of? *Sighs* I’m far too tired to rant, but damn, I want to!
"Where is Professor McGonagall?" Hermione asked as she set down her books at her desk. The cat suddenly jumped from it's perch and morphed into Professor McGonagall herself, dressed in her dark green robes and wearing her spectacles.
Mantra: Really, this is just scintillating prose. All the images are positively leaping out at me. I just can’t help but relate to the main character’s awe. Oh wait, I totally don’t. *Sighs, irritated* Goddamn it, Suethor, if you really can’t be bothered to build up atmosphere, just copy from the damned books! That’s what you did all of last Chapter!
Nagare: *Snorts* You just want an excuse to point out innuendo.
Mantra: Hey! I don’t need her to copy canon material to do that!
Nagare: Yes. And please, never, ever demonstrate that fact.
"You're an Animagus?" I asked smiling as Professor McGonagall walked up to me.
Mantra: No. She just laced your breakfast with LSD, and you were hallucinating the damned transformation. God, this bitch is stupid!
Nagare: That, or she’s showing off her knowledge in hopes of praise. You know, exactly what she accused Hermione of doing. Except when Hermione does it, she’s a total smug bitch. God, this bitch is hypocritical.
"You are correct in your assessment, Miss Sherwood. I am surprised you knew that," Professor McGonagall commented.
Mantra: Of course, the Sue knows everything. She can probably ace her NEWTs right now. *Snarls* You know what? She's blatantly got doppelgangers masquerading around as canon characters. So, as well as killing her, we also have to find out where she hid the originals. Perfect excuse for an extended interrogation session.
Nagare: Hmph, as if you needed an excuse to do that.
"My father insisted that I learn of magic and whatnot ahead of time so I didn't come into it blindly.
Mantra: And you proceeded to piss and moan about it. Well, you’ve shown us that you clearly know the man did it for your own good. So, congratulations. In trying to make your avatar the most SPESHULEST SNOWFLAKE ever, you’ve just added another million points to her Bitch score.
Nagare: I thought the score was already at infinity.
Mantra: We should really keep a count of how many times we call this character a bitch.
Nagare: *Wry* We’d be into the thousands by the end of this Chapter. I don’t see the point of doing so, since it’ll only irritate me more to know exactly how high the score can climb.
I've read up on Animagus' because I found the thought of being one so interesting," I commented, getting a surprised look from Hermione.
Mantra: (Hermione) Wow! What an ignorant, conceited little bitch! And she had the balls to glare at me all morning?
Nagare: Speaking as someone unfamiliar with the canon, I get the distinct feeling that Hermione would have been overjoyed to discover another bookworm. She seemed consistently annoyed by Harry and Ron’s indifference towards school work. She’d be absolutely delighted that someone was reading about Animagi, because then she’d have someone to talk to about it. You know, if you need to undermine the very nature of a character in order to make her an antagonist, you should probably look into getting someone else to fulfil that role. *Huffs* If your single brain cell can manage even that, I guess…
"Well, Miss Sherwood, I know your father and am not surprised by his… over exuberance in teaching you early,
Mantra: Over exuberance? Over fucking exuberance? We’ve seen plenty of Animagi in canon! In fact, we’ve seen school students, the Marauders, who aren’t exactly fantastic academically achieve it with some effort! And of all of the Animagi, only one was registered! So, Animagi are probably a pretty common sight in Wizarding society, and you’d probably need to be on the lookout for an unregistered one, especially considering how much effort she puts into ‘hiding her actual features’. By the way, I still don’t get why she has to do that. From what we can tell, her father only told her about the existence of Animagi and what that term bloody means! She’s not spouting off obscure theory about the nature of human transfiguration! So, he taught her a fundamental fact about the very society she lives in, and he’s over exuberant? Well, fuck you. I don’t buy that at all!
Nagare: *Sighs* I guess we’re pretty worn out, huh? The slightest things seem to set us off ranting…
Mantra: Well, this bitch deserved it. I gave her plenty of chances, but from now on, I’m not going easy on her any more. She deserves every bit of this.
though I am surprised that you were allowed to read about such a thing,"
Mantra: Why? It’s not like it’s the freaking Dark Arts! Being Animagi isn’t exactly a major taboo in society. Why wouldn’t she be allowed to read about it? It’s not like she’s trying to become one, anyways.
Nagare: Am I the only one hearing the ‘such a thing’ part being said in a disgusted tone? I mean, what the fuck? McGonagall is an Animagi! What the fuck does she have against them? She’s talking about the thing as if it’s on par with the Unforgivables!
Professor McGonagall said quickly as she turned to the front of the room and began writing down the assignment.
Mantra: *Facepalm* Assignment. They get a bloody assignment in their first class. They haven’t even learned any material yet, and they get a fucking assignment. Do I need to summon in Cynder to tell you exactly how retarded this is, Suethor?
"Though, Miss Sherwood, I would not become an Animagus lightly,"
Mantra: Or heavily, for that matter. In fact, don’t become an Animagus at all. You have enough Sue-powers as it is.
she said turning to smile at me. "The flees are quiet irritating if your patronus if any sort of mammal,"
Nagare: Patronus? I thought we were talking about Animagi?
Mantra: *Irritated* Apparently, the Suethor thinks they’re one and the same. Or she think your Patronus takes whatever form your Animagi form is. Well, it doesn’t. The shape of a Patronus symbolizes your protector, or represents the memory that generated it. Harry got a Stag because it’s symbolic of his father protecting him. Snape got a doe, because his days with Lily probably fuels his Patronus. Tonks got a wolf during that time, both because it’s symbolic of Lupin protecting her and her memories with him fuelling it. Animagi forms is a representation of yourself. Sirius was a dog because he’s playful and loyal to his friends. Pettigrew was a rat because he was a coward. James was a Stag because he’s noble and a leader. Rita was a bug because she’s creepy. Those two are as different as you can get whilst staying with ‘animal representation’ themes. And why would Patronuses worry about fleas? They made out of fucking MEMORIES! Fleas stick to animals because it transports them around conveniently and they can get FOOD! Patronuses disappear when they fulfil their purpose! They would be the last ‘animals’ to have flea problems! CANON, bitch! If you’re writing a fanfic on a fandom, you should probably check out the CANON material!
I smiled shyly
Nagare: Oh, we all saw how shy she was when she’s calling Hermione names and insulting her in her mind. We all saw how shy she was when she butted in to people’s conversations to put in random facts just so people can be oh so shocked that she knows them. We all saw how shy she was when she fucking THREATENED Hermione in her mind for waking her up for classes. *Spits* You’re about the most shameless person I have ever seen, and I live in the freaking Organization.
Mantra: *Applauds*
and nodded as I took my seat beside Hermione and began the assignment the professor was writing on the board, even though class had not already begun.
Nagare: *Takes deep breathe* I’ve ranted about her rampant hypocrisy before, and I really don’t want to do it again, so I’ll just say: OH, SO IT’S ALRIGHT IF YOU’RE THE ONE SHOWING OFF HOW OMG INTELLIGENT YOU ARE! YOU FUCKING BITCH! You clearly only did that so when the other students arrive, they can be all gasping over the fact that you already got the work done! Well, fuck you! You’re not anymore endearing than a fucking banana slug!
Mantra: Hey! I find banana slugs oddly cute…
Nagare: ...Despite spending all my life with you, you still creep me out.
Before long students began piling into the room and began to assignment and Professor McGonagall then returned to her spot on her desk, as a cat, and watched over the students as they wrote.
Mantra: It’s their first fucking class. Look, did your junior high maths teacher get you to do an exam on your first class? No? Well, you know why? It’s because you don’t know the fucking material! There’s no point in testing you, because you haven’t goddamned learned anything yet! We’re told that Wizarding children don’t really go to school before Hogwarts, so this IS LITERALLY their first lesson! It’s like going to primary school and having a test on your first day! It makes no fucking sense! What the fuck would they be writing about? They have no clue about what the fuck Transfiguration is at this point! And McGonagall was in the shape of a cat for a fucking REASON! She did it to impress them and show them what cool things Transfiguration would let them do if they paid attention! Why would she fucking stay in her cat form? Animagi forms are useful for disguising yourself and sneaking into places you usually wouldn’t be allowed in! Cat’s are near-sighted and are not good at seeing DETAILS! As a teaching, she would want to keep an eye on EVERYTHING happening in the room! It would make far more sense for her to use her human form as we have superior eye sight to almost all animals! But, of course, we can’t have SENSE in this story, can we? That’s for stupid people. *Growls*
I, after the class had officially started,
Nagare: Yes. You said that in the last sentence already. We got it the first time. It’s really not that difficult a concept. Look, Suethor, don’t write for your intelligence group. Only plankton and algae are in that range! PEOPLE can read! And you’re writing for PEOPLE!
couldn't help but notice that two particular boys were not at their seats, and were missing.
Nagare: As implied by the fact that THEY ARE NOT IN THEIR FUCKING DESKS! STOP TREATING YOUR READERS LIKE FUCKING CHIMPANZEES! WE CAN FUCKING READ! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WE’RE SPORKING THIS FUCKING THING?
Mantra: She really expects us to believe she’s oh so intellectual. She really does. *Snorts* I’d laugh if I weren’t so pissed off. She’s in the first class of her entire academic career, and the only thing she can concentrate on is BOYS. Sorry, Suethor, still not buying it. You clearly have no idea what EVIDENCE fucking means.
But before long the doors burst open and hurried steps came up the aisle, drawing everyone's attention.
Nagare: Yes, loud noises tend to do that in quiet environments. WE FUCKING KNOW! *Rubs forehead* The stupidity of the Suethor pisses me off, but her expectation that we’re as stupid of her makes me want to stab someone. Repeatedly. In the crotch.
Mantra: I second that movement. It shall be our main tactic during the interrogation with the Sue. *Sneers* I hope she at least has some semblance of Gryffindor qualities in her. The longer she refuses to give us information, the longer we can keep the session going.
Hermione looked up and rolled her eyes at the boys while I looked up and smiled, waving to Harry and Ron.
Nagare: What did I say about no phrases should be used twice in the same sentence? Clearly, the Suethor is deaf as well. Joy.
Mantra: Well, that’s not going to stop me from ranting. The fucking bitch asked for it, so I’m going to give it to her.
"Whew! We made it," Ron sighed loudly as he slowed his steps. "Can you imagine the look on McGonagall's face if we were late?"
Mantra: *Snarls* I hate that stereotype. I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE that stereotype. Ron was emotionally shallow, as any other teenage boy, but he wasn’t fucking STUPID! He was surprisingly intelligent and observant in many matters! The kid defeated fucking MCGONAGALL at chess in his FIRST YEAR! Stop making him out to be a brainless twit! Making other characters dumber doesn’t make your avatar look more intelligent! It just makes us want to kill her more! *Sighs* Althought I should probably blame this more on Chris Columbus...
At that, Professor McGonagall jumped into the air and morphed before landing and walking in human form up to them, much like she had done to Hermione and I.
Nagare: God…what was even the bloody point? Now she’s just gone right back to copy-pasting…and yes, even I could tell even though all I have are some bloody briefing notes. *Groans* I really pity the guys coming after us, I really do…
Mantra: As long as I don’t have to sit through another one of these bitching sessions, I’m happy.
I have a feeling you're going to find out Ron.
Nagare: What?
Mantra: *Squints* What?
Nagare: What, what, what, what, what?
Mantra: I think we agree. That sentence makes no fucking sense. None. At all.
Nagare: What?
Mantra: Exactly.
"That was bloody brilliant!" Ron said quickly as Harry stared at her wide eyed.
Mantra: Oh, great. Now Harry’s getting turned on. *Sighs* Even the innuendo isn’t helping with this…
Nagare: So stop pointing it out. It’ll help both of us, really, if you keep these comments private.
Mantra: But watching your reaction is certainly still amusing, though.
Nagare: *Grits her teeth* Well, none of this is the least bit amusing to me. So stop doing it.
"Thank you for that assessment Mr. Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I transfigured Mr. Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way one of you might be on time,"
Nagare: You know, it baffles me how she can directly copy and paste from canon, and yet still make all the grammar mistakes she does. It’s astounding, really. Most people have to try to act that stupid. My head hurts just from trying to fathom the level of stupidity the Suethor must be at.
Mantra: And thank you, Suethor, for turning a brilliant, witty scene in the movie into this dry drivel. I really appreciate that.
"We got lost," Harry said shyly, stuttering a bit.
Mantra: HE WASN’T FUCKING SHY! He was fucking NERVOUS! Big difference! What, does this Suethor have a goddamned fetish for shy people? It’s bloody annoying! I haven’t felt bloodlust this strong since I first got enslaved! Congratu-fucking-lations, you whore!
"Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need one to find your seats,"
Nagare: And that is perhaps one of the most awkward ways to end a section in the history of ending sections. It’s not witty. It doesn’t get the reader thinking. It doesn’t offer a smooth ending. It’s like cutting a four-minute-long piece of music off at the two minute mark. It’s horribly jarring and say a good fucking deal about your writing skills. Though I have no idea why I expect any more from you after the abomination that was the last Chapter…*Sighs*
The next class of the day
Nagare: Wait…you mean, THAT’S IT? That’s all we hear about her FIRST FUCKING CLASS at her FIRST FUCKING SCHOOL? THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY SHE’S EVER HAD OF SYSTEMATICALLY LEARNING FUCKING MAGIC? THAT WAS FUCKING IT? Well, Suethor, if you’re determined to skip every scene that might be mildly interesting, why don’t you skip this entire fic and spare us the pain? If you don’t plan to write out these essential scenes for establishing the rules of magic and the atmosphere at Hogwarts, then why don’t you cut out all the other scenes devoted solely to praising your avatar?
Mantra: Well, the Sue’s already showed off for that class, so the rest of the period really doesn’t matter. We have to speed along to the next opportunity for canon characters to throw themselves at the Sue’s feet, after all. *Snarls*
Nagare: *Sighs explosively and buries head in heads* I know. And that’s what makes it so damned painful…
made me both smile and cringed at the same time.
Mantra: And how are you supposed to accomplish that? I’m a fucking shape-shifter with total command over how my face looks, and I don’t think I can manage that.
Nagare: *Stonily* Clearly, the Sue’s face is as flexible as the rest of her. After all, she must have had a lot of practice.
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* Great to see you join in on the innuendo lampshading. We should start a group for this, you know…We could call it Innuendos for Sanity. Or maybe For The Lulz…
Nagare: *Glares* I’m just pointing out a simply fact that you and I both know for certain. The Sue’s a damned whore and should be crucified with her own fingernails.
Mantra: *Vicious grin* Ooh~ This Sporking’s getting better all the time, ain’t it? This might not be half as bad as I imagined.
Nagare: *Still coldly* Then you must have a formidable imagination.
Potions.
Mantra: Ah, I’m betting this lesson will takes twice as long as the Transfiguration lesson…for the sole sake of having the Sue wow Snape at every turn…Poor guy, he always gets targeted by Sues, whether they hate him and humiliate him or want to get in his pants.
Nagare: *Stares* He has my full sympathies. No one should have to deal with that. Ever.
Mantra: *Shrugs* The woes of being portrayed by a popular actor…At least our canon shall never be made into movies. Take comfort in that, at least.
Nagare: *Odd glance* You know, you say the weirdest things some times.
I, despite my many bad experiences with my father over potions, loved making them and seemed to have a knack for it.
Nagare: Bullshit. You father was a good man who tried to inform you about the very society you lived in, whilst you were a dirty little whore who did nothing but complain about all the hard work you have to do. You have no fucking CLUE what ‘bad experiences’ constitute. You know what? I vote we enrol her in The Organization’s training regimes for a few weeks. The bitch needs a taste of what ‘traumatising’ means.
Mantra: She really can’t make up her mind at all on what she wants, huh? One second, she’s pissing and moaning about having to do work. The next, she’s all excited to be in class. Then, she’s pissing and moaning because of her father’s oh so traumatising tutoring. Then, she’s proclaiming she loves the subject. Look, lady, I’ve seen traumatised people. I’m surrounded by traumatised people. If you father did to you what you very dearly deserve, you wouldn’t be able to hear the word ‘potions’ and not run screaming into the night. As much as I want to teach this bitch a lesson in traumatisation, I don’t think the poor Trainees deserve having to learn together with her. They’ve got enough on their hands as it is.
Nagare: But I’m sure plenty of Trainers would be more than happy to have a go at her.
Mantra: We're the ones who have to suffer through this thing so we can hunt her down! I’m not handing her over to someone else! If she’s getting tortured, I’m going to do it myself! No one's barging in on my hunt for vengence!
But on the other hand, the teacher for the class was Professor Snape, friend of my parents,
Mantra: *Snarls* Severus Snape has no friends. Severus Snape needs no friends. So you keep your little paws off him before I rip your womb out with my bare hands.
and didn't seem to have any kind of nice side to him.
Mantra: Well, at least Snape is in character…We’ll see how long that lasts.
I now sat between Harry and Hermione as the two talked to everyone besides me, but I didn't mind much,
Nagare: Of course not. That’s why you kept emphasising the fact.
I enjoyed hearing others conversations around me as I got to know them without them knowing.
Nagare: And now you’re just being fucking creepy. If they’re talking to someone else and ignoring you, that probably means they don’t WANT you in the conversation. It’s common decency to not listen in.
Mantra: Well, knowing how Sues work, the conversation is probably all about her, anyways. The main characters’ lives vanish the minute the Sue shows up and now all they live for is to please and serve her. *Spits*
That's how I knew I liked Harry and Ron,
Nagare: I’m sure they must be relieved to have received your Stamp of Approval. No matter how vehemently you insist that you are being a shy, insecure, friendly little kid, you true nature still shines through, huh?
Mantra: You mean, she didn’t like Harry and Ron before? Well, then why does she devote every second to insulting Hermione, and yet doesn’t think a single negative thought about Harry and Ron? Because they’re the Almighty Men? You know, every sentence makes me want to kill the damned bitch more. Are you sure we can’t sneak off to that dimension now and just finish her off?
The Voice: The Portal shall not open until the Sporking is finished. We do not want to condemn someone to death without knowing every crime they have committed.
Mantra: Aw~ You’re seriously telling me she doesn’t deserve death as it is?
The Voice: She must pay for every crime. Therefore, we must read the full account of her actions.
Mantra: *Curses* Fine. I’ll just have to settle with fantasizing about breaking her kneecaps then.
they were really nice to the people around them,
Nagare: Unlike you. And isn’t being nice to people a basic social etiquette? I mean, the people in The Organization aren’t the most sociable creatures, and we know you have to at least pretend to be nice to other! If acting nice to people alone is enough to gain her Stamp of Approval, then why does she hate on Hermione so much when she’s just as nice? If acting nice is not enough, then why does Harry and Ron automatically get a pass?
Mantra: Because they are Hot, and Hermione get to spend time with them in canon. That’s all you need to know, really.
except maybe Hermione who didn't do much to dissuade their opinion, like maybe acting less know-it-all-ish.
Mantra: Okay, the level of Hermione hate is simply getting ridiculous now. This is like some kind of twisted inverse of Harmoanians. This deserves a Capslocked rant so much, I don’t even know where to begin. So I’m not going to. You viewers can splutter and curse on your own. I’m just going to continue fantasizing about her graphic, graphic death.
Suddenly the door swung open, hitting the stone wall with a bang as
Mantra: The PPC Agents rushed into the Room and killed the Sue.
Nagare: I thought you wanted her for yourself?
Mantra: Well, I’m clearly not getting anywhere near her right now, but the PPC is still free to interfere.
Professor Snape rushed in, his black robes billowing around him until he reached the front of the room.
Nagare: Of course his robes would be billowing! What, you think they’d be staying completely still? If you’re going to describe something, why not choose something that actually helps the readers visualise the setting? As it is, you could be sitting at a nice little part or in a blood-splattered prison cell for all I know! Priorities, Suethor! GET THEM STRAIGHT!
"There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion making," Snape announced as his eyes roved over the students in the room until he looked from me to Draco.
Mantra: *Smirks* I see that Snape is fighting valiantly to stay in character, including making subtle comments about the Sue’s actual intelligence.
"However, for those select few who possess the predisposition. I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses.
Mantra: *Looks pensive for a moment* You know, I wonder what it is about bad writing that brings out innuendos. I mean, it doesn’t leap out at me nearly as much in the canon material…
Nagare: Well, at least it’s clear that your brain has a twisted, twisted self-defence mechanism.
Mantra: *Brightens* Ah well, who cares? (Snape) I shall introduce you to all kinds of potions from aphrodisiacs to date-rape drugs! And we shall be testing these concoctions upon Miss Sherwood here, as I have heard of her formidable reputation.
Nagare: *Twitches* I see innuendos are just like bad fics. Just as you think they can’t possibly get worse, they do. And no matter how many of them you have subjected yourself to, you can never quite build up an immunity to them.
Mantra: *Grins* And thank God for that.
I show you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death," Then Snape's eyes touched on someone.
Mantra: Well, Snape certainly has impatient eyes. In the middle of class, too! Those perverted little balls…
Nagare: *Slams head against table* Oh, we’re back to that, are we? For the love of…
"Then again maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention,"
I looked over at Harry to see him writing and quickly nudged him with my elbow until he looked at me and then up at Professor Snape.
Mantra: And we have yet another scene completely misinterpreted. Harry was writing in canon because he was taking NOTES. As in, he was fucking LISTENING to what Snape was saying! He wouldn’t need you to bloody nudge him because he WAS listening! That scene showed that Harry genuinely tries at his studies, though he’s not nearly as good as Hermione, as well as showing Snape’s blatant hate for Harry and his rampant prejudice. It established essential character traits for TWO main character and you have just gone and ruined it. *Slow clap* You know, I’m thinking about crushing her fingers knuckle by knuckle and grounding the bones to dust.
Nagare: What an excellent idea. And when we run out of fingers, we can start on the toes.
Mantra: Indeed.
"Mr. Potter, our new celebrity. Tell me what would I get if I added root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"
Hermione's hand sprang up beside me as Harry remained silent, Hermione looking as is she were about to pee her pants.
Nagare: Wait! Scroll that bit by again. What the fuck did she just say?
Mantra: Frankly, I don’t think anything we say can possibly encompass the pure stupid emitting from that line. Let’s just let the fic spork itself. At least it’s less work for us.
Shyly I raised my hand to barely above my head, though I knew Snape would not be calling on me.
Nagare: Meaning you did it solely for attention. And how dare you blame Hermione for being eager to answer a question as though she should know the Professor wouldn’t pick on her? He’s not her bloody family friend! She doesn’t know he’s prejudiced as hell yet! She’s just trying to speed the lesson along as well as ingratiate herself with the teacher! Look, you can be a smug little bitch. A lot of authors have made that idea work. But don’t pretend you’re some kind of Saint of Purity whilst rubbing your bitchiness in my face! *Draws knives* You know, some societies used to cut off the noses of their prisoners. I think there’s a lesson in that.
Mantra: *Smirks* The ears were a popular target as well. There is much to learn from history in this regard.
"You don't know? Well let's try again. Where Mr. Potter would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?"
"I don't know, sir,"
"And what is the difference between monkswood and wolfsbane?"
"I don't know sir,"
Mantra: Oh, poor Harry. You used commas so well last time! The Sue must be leeching off more of your intelligence than I thought. Don’t worry though, Snape there isn’t having it any easier with the commas…
Nagare: Just how old is this author anyways? I’m certain most schools would teach basic grammar, right? I mean, the freaking Organization taught us that much…
Mantra: Never underestimate the stupidity of Suethors. Only they can warp all sense of grammar, spelling and characterisation so far that the Elder Gods are driven to insanity.
I slowly lowered my hand until I was looking down at my notebook where I began to make note of the answers, for I knew he would start yelling at us to write it down at any moment.
Mantra: Oh, isn’t the Sue simply great for anticipating Snape’s move like that? Aren’t the canon characters so stupid for being dazed by Snape’s brazen attack on Harry? Don’t you love the little bitch so much that you want to write slavishly enthusiastic reviews about her? You don’t? Why? Because she’s a smug little whore that didn’t get spanked enough as a kid? Yeah, I thought as much.
Nagare: And of course, the Sue already know the fucking answers. Look, high marks come at a price. If you want great academic results, you have to sacrifice time with your friends to study. If you want your Sue to frolic everywhere with the main characters, then her marks are going to suffer because of it. It’s goddamned COMMON SENSE…which explains why it is not included in this story. *Spits and curses*
"Pity. Clearly fame isn't everything. Is it, Mr. Potter?" Snape asked as Draco smiled happily at Harry.
Mantra: Smiled happily? The term, I don’t think it means that you think it means. All I’m getting here is an image of Draco smiling sweetly like a demented cartoon character, complete with Bambi eyes, whilst drooling at Harry, which, admittedly, is a pretty nice mental image.
"Clearly Hermione and Rebecca know. It's a pity not to ask them," Harry exclaimed suddenly, making me jump as I put my quill back in my ink well.
Mantra: Oh yes, the Sue’s already beginning to steal the spotlight from the main characters. Now, Hermione’s sharing her big defining moment with the Sue…at least she had the decency to put her name second.
Nagare: *Stares* Do these creatures have no SHAME? What kind of upbringing do you need to have to consider this a likeable person?
Mantra: Don’t try to comprehend the void that is the mind of Suethors. You shall only drive yourself to madness.
Nagare: I don’t know…I’m getting pretty close just by reading this crap…
"Silence," Snape said calmly as students began to whisper and chuckle amongst themselves.
Nagare: Erm…why? One of their classmates just got yelled at and interrogated for no reason…You’d think these people would be worried, since blatant prejudice and antagonism does not make a good teacher. They’d probably be staring in horror or indignation at Snape.
Mantra: Clearly, the Suethor has forgotten that there are other Gryffindors present than our main characters and thought that the classroom was filled with Slytherins. She’s a Suethor. It’s only reasonable that she can’t remember basic facts like this.
After a moment of glaring, Professor Snape walked over to where Harry sat and place a seat in front of him before sitting, crossing his arms on the table as he stared at Harry.
Nagare: …If she’s trying to make him sound intimidating, she just failed. Hard. All I’m getting is a guy on a dinner date, getting all close to the pretty girl, trying to sniff her…
Mantra: *Bursts out laughing* Oh god…that was priceless…Thank you for that mental image. It was the nicest one I have gotten in a long time.
"Put your hand down you silly girl," Professor Snape hissed at Hermione, causing her to drop her hand.
Mantra: Of course, the Sue was a smart little cookie and avoided this humiliation by reading ahead. Damn it, Suethor, only I’m allowed to do that! And I only do it for comical effect! It’s not something you can exploit away! It destroys all tension! It destroys all conflict! *Shakes her head* What am I doing, expecting conflict in a Mary Sue fic? Of course, things will just turn out peachy for her and she’ll get her own happily ever after…*Retches*
"For your information Potter, asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is called the Draft of the Living Dead.
Mantra: DROUGHT! It was the fucking DROUGHT of Living DEATH! No ‘the’! It takes 0.18 seconds to Google that!
A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and will save you from most poisons. As for monkswood and wolfs bane, they are the same plant which is also goes by the name of aconite," he announced before his eyes moved from me to the boy sitting on the other side of Harry.
Nagare: Who we will not hear about because he is not a minion of the Sue. What is the POINT of that description up there? What does it tell us about ANYTHING? If you have the time to rhapsodise about Snape’s eye movements, why don’t you fucking describe the fucking setting? Their first fucking class at their first fucking school? What, those aren’t important?
"Well, why aren't you all copying this down?"
Immediately every student, except me of course,
Mantra: Because you’re just a perfect, sparkly little bitch. *Runs hand through hair* God, this is getting to me…
grabbed their quills and opened their books and began writing notes.
Nagare: Is it so hard to say ‘Everyone complied.’? I have no idea what the Suethor is doing with her word count here. On the one hand, she’s summarising important canon events and skipping all sorts of details that make the story flow better. On the other hand, she words the simplest and most inconsequential actions in the most convoluted way possible to up her word count. All I’m getting here is that she’s trying to make the story more painful to read.
Mantra: And it pisses me off how good she is at that.
Professor Snape then moved to the front of the classroom and sat at his desk.
Mantra: We have to know this, you see, because the Almighty Suethor deemed it IMPORTANT to the story.
"And Gryffindors, note that five points will be taken from your house for your classmate's cheek,"
Mantra: Yes. How nice of him to word it so gently like that. And by ‘will be taken’, does he mean that he’s not taking the points off now? See what happens when you stop copy-pasting canon, Suethor? You start to suck even MORE!
Professor Snape commented as Draco chuckled as he smiled back at Harry.
Nagare: …What? Who’s doing WHAT?
Mantra: I believe Draco is doing his best Dumbledore imitation whilst Snape cosplays as Lily.
Nagare: *Squick* *Shakes head numbly* Suethor, please think about what you’re goddamned writing! I did NOT fucking need that mental image!
The professor looked up again from his notes to glare at Harry
Mantra: Snape is also writing down note? What the fuck is he doing that for?
Nagare: And wasn’t he just smiling at Harry a second ago? What on earth is happening?
Mantra: It seems that the fic has finally entered the Twilight Zone.
when he noticed that I wasn't writing.
"Miss Sherwood,"
Nagare: (Snape) Your name is not on my roll. I do not know where you came from, but please kindly leave my class and this universe immediately.
His suddenly sharp voice made me jump and wish I had been pretending to write down the notes.
Mantra: What, you mean he was keeping his voice all mellow and soft when he was interrogating Harry? You just have to do everything better than everyone, don’t you? Even in getting Snape to hate you? Given another chance, you know you wouldn’t have pretended to write down notes. It would ruin a perfect opportunity for you to awe Snape with your mad studying skillz.
Nagare: And is she seriously saying that someone who has been a teaching for much of their life wouldn’t be able to tell that she wasn’t genuinely writing notes? That she can actually get away with pretending to write? Bullshit. We don’t get many theoretical classes here, but when we have to take notes, the Trainers can see you doodling cats even if you’re sitting at the back of the room!
Mantra: *Amused* Personal experience?
Nagare: No! I…*Flushes* I just heard about it from…people.
I looked up at him shyly as he watched me like a predator watches it's prey.
Nagare: She’s…eleven, right? *Squick*
Mantra: Yes! Kill the Sue, Snape! I know you can do it! You’re used to these parasites coming in and warping everything like there’s no tomorrow!
"Shouldn't you be copying down notes?"
"I'm finished already, sir," I said clearly as my face turned red from the attention from the other students,
Mantra: Not buying it. You know you’re exulting in that attention. You know you’d be whining and pissing and moaning the very second the focus is away from you. Why the fucking else would you hate on the only other person just as academically advanced as you?
and I tried desperately to keep my hair from running a bright reddish color that seemed to be flaring over my cheeks.
Nagare: …what?
Mantra: I think that’s a reference to her Metamorphmagus powers.
Nagare: Suethor, you mentioned that power once in the first chapter and completely ignored it until now. You can’t just randomly throw out references to powers like that! She was damned nervous when she had to go into Harry and Ron’s compartments! She was nervous when she’s being sorted! Why is it only affecting her now? You have to keep a constant thread of references to it, so it doesn’t sound like a goddamned asspull! And why let her have the power at all if she doesn’t use it? Characters should have powers that help the plot! When have we seen her powers do anything?
Mantra: I dunno. I’d prefer ignoring the fact that she has a fucking GENETIC power that neither of her parents do, that is so rare that only one canon character has it, than have to hear about it all the time. I have a feeling it’d just piss me off even more.
In one smooth moment Professor Snape got up from his seat
Nagare: How can a moment be ‘smooth’?
Mantra: ANYTHING can happen in the TWILIGHT ZONE!
and moved to stand in front of my in nearly a blink of an eye. He snatched up my closed book and opened it to the first page where I had neatly written down the ingredients and put their usage and where you might find them.
Nagare: Of course, she’s completed the work and gone the extra mile. After all, conflict is for losers.
Mantra: And don’t you love how smug she sounds? She’s absolutely certain that she’s right. It makes me want to do a fic where Snape utterly eviscerates her for writing down the wrong answers.
Nagare: …Nope. You’re still weird.
Mantra: It’s fanfiction based on fanfiction! It makes perfect sense!
As I stared at the back of my notebook,
Nagare: Snape is standing in front her, his chest probably level with her eye. He’s holding the note book out either flat or at a very gentle incline so he can read it…How can she see the back of the note book? Unless Snape is horribly near-sighted and has to bring the book all the way up to his face, she shouldn’t be able to see anything!
Mantra: Unless she’s already on her knees, ready to get herself an A.
Nagare: …what are you…ARGH! *Flails* That was DISGUSTING!
Mantra: Why, thank you!
avoiding eye contact,
Nagare: Yes. How perfectly polite of you.
I felt Snape's eyes on me, burning into my forehead
Mantra: No. That was me. *Waves around blowtorch*
Nagare: Where on earth did you get that from?
Mantra: *Smirks* Are you sure you want to know?
Nagare: …No.
until he handed me my notebook back.
"Indeed you have, Miss Sherwood, and well written. As much as it pains me… five points… to Gryffindor,"
Nagare: Why? Isn’t points given for exceptionally well behaviour and deducted for misconduct? All she did was write notes in class! If that was ground for giving points, each House would have points into the millions by the end on the school year!
Everyone stared wide eyed at the professor.
Mantra: As they should be. Snape is fucking prejudiced! He's not going to give Gryffindor points for making amazingly neat notes! Did you read where Hemione answered all of his questions in canon? Did he give her points then? If your little Sue really did perform so well, he'd ignore her! Because he's actively out to disadvantage the Gryffindor House!
Go Forward to: Chapter 3, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 2, Part 3
Constructive criticism is welcome~
Enjoy~
Disclaimer: Rebecca and the Sorceror's Stone is written by Rogue Metamorph, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7406128/1/Rebecca_and_the_Sorcerers_Stone. I do not own the story and I do not wish to own it. Harry Potter and its related material belongs to J. K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made off this. Mantra and Nagare belong to me and my lovely friends.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Summary of fic: The Harry Potter series, with all the major actions performed by a Sue. Features much hypocrisy, head-injury inducing bad writing and gratuitous character bashing.
Rating of fic: K+
Warning for Spork: Many, many F-bombs, and long Capslocked ranting that is not easy on the eye, mild innuendos, flirting between two females characters and non-explicit imagined violence.
Sporkers: Mantra and Nagare
‘Do you really think it’s okay to push them like this? If this goes on any longer, I don’t think they’ll be able to take it.’
‘Nonsense. They’re the most stable people we’ve got on hand. Those two aren’t the type to simply break down in the face of pain.’
‘You saw what happened last chapter. I really don’t think they can do this. At least, not alone.’
‘They’ve got a nice dynamic going on, though, and a nice division of duty. That’ll keep them going for now. Not to mention, they’re not going to do this alone. Another group of Sporkers have called me and requested the next Chapter of this thing. After that, I’ve got another group all lined up and ready to go. They won’t have to come back for another three Chapters after this one.’
‘That’s good, then. I’m still a bit worried, though.’
‘Don’t worry. I’ve seen these guys work. They have a nasty tendency to get a bit wordy, but they’re good at this. Mantra, especially.’
There was a strange snorting noise. ‘Given what she is, I’m not exactly surprised.’
‘Anyways, break’s almost over. I’ve got to go call them back in.’
Someone sighed rather sympathetically. ‘I feel their pain…’
‘Hey! It’s my job!’ A series of light tapping noises, the sound of sneakers pounding against hard concrete, and a light click as a microphone is switched on. Someone cleared their throat. ‘Please proceed to the Sporking Chamber, your break is over.’
A groan was heard over the microphone. A black-haired teenager could be seen standing up rather wearily on the large screen. A red-headed woman followed her with a look of exasperated resignation.
‘Oh, and good news!’ The tone was initially enthusiastic, however, the digital modifications make that hard to tell. ‘Other groups of Sporkers have decided to take over this for a few Chapters. If my estimation is right, you’ll be able to rest for three Chapters after this one!’
There was a rather unsettling silence on the other end.
Finally, the black-haired teenager spoke. ‘Okay. What’s the catch?’
‘Nope. No catch. At all.’ The same exaggeratedly enthusiastic tone. ‘In fact, you'll even still get to hunt down the Sue and dispatch her! The other groups are not interested, apparently.’
‘She'd better be ours! We're the ones who started this thing!’ The red-headed woman demanded as she sat down on the saggy couch with a huff.
‘Oh, I'm sure she'll be all yours...’ A rustle of fabric as someone fidgeted, ‘Eh, it'll all work out. Anyways, onward with the Spork!’
Chapter 3: First Day:
Mantra: Well, what do you know. This chapters almost as long as the last one.
Nagare: *Stares* Oh, for the love of…Is there no end to this thing?
The next day Hermione woke me up early, not a good idea,
Nagare: YOU FUCKING BITCH! IT’S YOUR FUCKING FIRST DAY OF FUCKING CLASS! SHE’S FUCKING TRYING TO HELP! IF IT WEREN’T FOR HER, YOU’D BE FUCKING LATE, AND THEN YOU’LL GET INTO FUCKING TROUBLE ON YOUR FUCKING FIRST DAY OF FUCKING CLASS! SHE’S FUCKING LOOKING OUT FOR YOU AND BEING FUCKING NICE! AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO HER? YOU’RE FUCKING ELEVEN YEARS OLD! YOU ARE NOT FUCKING THREATENING! YOU’RE JUST MAKING YOURSELF SOUND LIKE A FUCKING PETULENT, UNGRATEFUL CHILD! FUCK YOU! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK YOU!
Mantra: *Flatly* And we start off with carpet F-bombing…Not bad at all. Really. I’m so looking forward to this. The little bitch.
and the two of us walked to our first class with Professor McGonagall together,
Mantra: Without dressing or going to breakfast. Because the Sue’s too good for that.
all the while Hermione spouting random facts on things she had learned.
Nagare: SHE’S TRYING TO FUCKING HELP! SHE’S THINKING OF YOU AS A FUCKING FRIEND AND TRYING TO PREPARE YOU FOR CLASSES! SHE’S MAKING FUCKING CONVERSATION! See? There are so many positive implications that can be derived from the fact that someone is filling you in about the curriculum on your first day of class! You know you’re just grabbing at straws to shit on her character! Well, you know what? All this is accomplishing is making the readers want to stab your fucking eyes out! I don’t care who we’re competing against, I want this bitch for myself!
Mantra: Don’t worry. As long as I get a piece of her for myself, I’ll make sure that no one else gets to her before we do.
I had long since tuned her out,
Nagare: And you expect me to believe that you’re SO intellectual and intelligent? Someone is talking about finer points of the curriculum, and you are not at all interested in discussing it with them? Sharing your interpretation? Even paying attention in case there were some things you didn’t know about? As soon as someone talks about academics, you just tune it right out? If this bitch gets any higher than a ‘pass’ at any subject, I’m leaving.
Mantra: Face it, this is a blatant self-insertion. The Suethor wants to be all smart and better, but her punny little brain just can’t understand how intelligent people think. And, Suethor, you can’t create antagonists out of NOWHERE. You have to give your character a fucking REASON for hating the people she do. Hermione hasn’t been acting any different than Harry and Ron. Your little Sue enjoyed Ron prattling on about Chocolate Frogs cards, but can’t handle any talk about their next classes? You’re just a jealous little bitch who doesn’t get laid enough, and that's it.
but when we entered the classroom, the talking finally stopped.
Nagare: BITCH! *Runs hands over face tiredly* God, this thing is lowering my faith in humanity faster than the fucking Organization is…
Mantra: There, there, keep it together. We can have comfort sex after this Chapter’s done.
Nagare: *Shoves Mantra away* No! Especially not after the last Chapter!
Inside the classroom were long lines of desks and a cat sitting on the desk at the head of the room.
Mantra: Ah, such vivid descriptions. Can’t you see the classroom as though it’s right before your eyes? Can’t you feel the very atmosphere of anticipation and excitement and wonder? No? Neither can I.
Nagare: *Facepalm* We spent an entire Chapter on how ‘special’ the Sue is, and we can’t spare more than two lines for their first sight at their classroom? A classroom they will be visiting frequently during the year, so it’s good for the reader to have an image of? *Sighs* I’m far too tired to rant, but damn, I want to!
"Where is Professor McGonagall?" Hermione asked as she set down her books at her desk. The cat suddenly jumped from it's perch and morphed into Professor McGonagall herself, dressed in her dark green robes and wearing her spectacles.
Mantra: Really, this is just scintillating prose. All the images are positively leaping out at me. I just can’t help but relate to the main character’s awe. Oh wait, I totally don’t. *Sighs, irritated* Goddamn it, Suethor, if you really can’t be bothered to build up atmosphere, just copy from the damned books! That’s what you did all of last Chapter!
Nagare: *Snorts* You just want an excuse to point out innuendo.
Mantra: Hey! I don’t need her to copy canon material to do that!
Nagare: Yes. And please, never, ever demonstrate that fact.
"You're an Animagus?" I asked smiling as Professor McGonagall walked up to me.
Mantra: No. She just laced your breakfast with LSD, and you were hallucinating the damned transformation. God, this bitch is stupid!
Nagare: That, or she’s showing off her knowledge in hopes of praise. You know, exactly what she accused Hermione of doing. Except when Hermione does it, she’s a total smug bitch. God, this bitch is hypocritical.
"You are correct in your assessment, Miss Sherwood. I am surprised you knew that," Professor McGonagall commented.
Mantra: Of course, the Sue knows everything. She can probably ace her NEWTs right now. *Snarls* You know what? She's blatantly got doppelgangers masquerading around as canon characters. So, as well as killing her, we also have to find out where she hid the originals. Perfect excuse for an extended interrogation session.
Nagare: Hmph, as if you needed an excuse to do that.
"My father insisted that I learn of magic and whatnot ahead of time so I didn't come into it blindly.
Mantra: And you proceeded to piss and moan about it. Well, you’ve shown us that you clearly know the man did it for your own good. So, congratulations. In trying to make your avatar the most SPESHULEST SNOWFLAKE ever, you’ve just added another million points to her Bitch score.
Nagare: I thought the score was already at infinity.
Mantra: We should really keep a count of how many times we call this character a bitch.
Nagare: *Wry* We’d be into the thousands by the end of this Chapter. I don’t see the point of doing so, since it’ll only irritate me more to know exactly how high the score can climb.
I've read up on Animagus' because I found the thought of being one so interesting," I commented, getting a surprised look from Hermione.
Mantra: (Hermione) Wow! What an ignorant, conceited little bitch! And she had the balls to glare at me all morning?
Nagare: Speaking as someone unfamiliar with the canon, I get the distinct feeling that Hermione would have been overjoyed to discover another bookworm. She seemed consistently annoyed by Harry and Ron’s indifference towards school work. She’d be absolutely delighted that someone was reading about Animagi, because then she’d have someone to talk to about it. You know, if you need to undermine the very nature of a character in order to make her an antagonist, you should probably look into getting someone else to fulfil that role. *Huffs* If your single brain cell can manage even that, I guess…
"Well, Miss Sherwood, I know your father and am not surprised by his… over exuberance in teaching you early,
Mantra: Over exuberance? Over fucking exuberance? We’ve seen plenty of Animagi in canon! In fact, we’ve seen school students, the Marauders, who aren’t exactly fantastic academically achieve it with some effort! And of all of the Animagi, only one was registered! So, Animagi are probably a pretty common sight in Wizarding society, and you’d probably need to be on the lookout for an unregistered one, especially considering how much effort she puts into ‘hiding her actual features’. By the way, I still don’t get why she has to do that. From what we can tell, her father only told her about the existence of Animagi and what that term bloody means! She’s not spouting off obscure theory about the nature of human transfiguration! So, he taught her a fundamental fact about the very society she lives in, and he’s over exuberant? Well, fuck you. I don’t buy that at all!
Nagare: *Sighs* I guess we’re pretty worn out, huh? The slightest things seem to set us off ranting…
Mantra: Well, this bitch deserved it. I gave her plenty of chances, but from now on, I’m not going easy on her any more. She deserves every bit of this.
though I am surprised that you were allowed to read about such a thing,"
Mantra: Why? It’s not like it’s the freaking Dark Arts! Being Animagi isn’t exactly a major taboo in society. Why wouldn’t she be allowed to read about it? It’s not like she’s trying to become one, anyways.
Nagare: Am I the only one hearing the ‘such a thing’ part being said in a disgusted tone? I mean, what the fuck? McGonagall is an Animagi! What the fuck does she have against them? She’s talking about the thing as if it’s on par with the Unforgivables!
Professor McGonagall said quickly as she turned to the front of the room and began writing down the assignment.
Mantra: *Facepalm* Assignment. They get a bloody assignment in their first class. They haven’t even learned any material yet, and they get a fucking assignment. Do I need to summon in Cynder to tell you exactly how retarded this is, Suethor?
"Though, Miss Sherwood, I would not become an Animagus lightly,"
Mantra: Or heavily, for that matter. In fact, don’t become an Animagus at all. You have enough Sue-powers as it is.
she said turning to smile at me. "The flees are quiet irritating if your patronus if any sort of mammal,"
Nagare: Patronus? I thought we were talking about Animagi?
Mantra: *Irritated* Apparently, the Suethor thinks they’re one and the same. Or she think your Patronus takes whatever form your Animagi form is. Well, it doesn’t. The shape of a Patronus symbolizes your protector, or represents the memory that generated it. Harry got a Stag because it’s symbolic of his father protecting him. Snape got a doe, because his days with Lily probably fuels his Patronus. Tonks got a wolf during that time, both because it’s symbolic of Lupin protecting her and her memories with him fuelling it. Animagi forms is a representation of yourself. Sirius was a dog because he’s playful and loyal to his friends. Pettigrew was a rat because he was a coward. James was a Stag because he’s noble and a leader. Rita was a bug because she’s creepy. Those two are as different as you can get whilst staying with ‘animal representation’ themes. And why would Patronuses worry about fleas? They made out of fucking MEMORIES! Fleas stick to animals because it transports them around conveniently and they can get FOOD! Patronuses disappear when they fulfil their purpose! They would be the last ‘animals’ to have flea problems! CANON, bitch! If you’re writing a fanfic on a fandom, you should probably check out the CANON material!
I smiled shyly
Nagare: Oh, we all saw how shy she was when she’s calling Hermione names and insulting her in her mind. We all saw how shy she was when she butted in to people’s conversations to put in random facts just so people can be oh so shocked that she knows them. We all saw how shy she was when she fucking THREATENED Hermione in her mind for waking her up for classes. *Spits* You’re about the most shameless person I have ever seen, and I live in the freaking Organization.
Mantra: *Applauds*
and nodded as I took my seat beside Hermione and began the assignment the professor was writing on the board, even though class had not already begun.
Nagare: *Takes deep breathe* I’ve ranted about her rampant hypocrisy before, and I really don’t want to do it again, so I’ll just say: OH, SO IT’S ALRIGHT IF YOU’RE THE ONE SHOWING OFF HOW OMG INTELLIGENT YOU ARE! YOU FUCKING BITCH! You clearly only did that so when the other students arrive, they can be all gasping over the fact that you already got the work done! Well, fuck you! You’re not anymore endearing than a fucking banana slug!
Mantra: Hey! I find banana slugs oddly cute…
Nagare: ...Despite spending all my life with you, you still creep me out.
Before long students began piling into the room and began to assignment and Professor McGonagall then returned to her spot on her desk, as a cat, and watched over the students as they wrote.
Mantra: It’s their first fucking class. Look, did your junior high maths teacher get you to do an exam on your first class? No? Well, you know why? It’s because you don’t know the fucking material! There’s no point in testing you, because you haven’t goddamned learned anything yet! We’re told that Wizarding children don’t really go to school before Hogwarts, so this IS LITERALLY their first lesson! It’s like going to primary school and having a test on your first day! It makes no fucking sense! What the fuck would they be writing about? They have no clue about what the fuck Transfiguration is at this point! And McGonagall was in the shape of a cat for a fucking REASON! She did it to impress them and show them what cool things Transfiguration would let them do if they paid attention! Why would she fucking stay in her cat form? Animagi forms are useful for disguising yourself and sneaking into places you usually wouldn’t be allowed in! Cat’s are near-sighted and are not good at seeing DETAILS! As a teaching, she would want to keep an eye on EVERYTHING happening in the room! It would make far more sense for her to use her human form as we have superior eye sight to almost all animals! But, of course, we can’t have SENSE in this story, can we? That’s for stupid people. *Growls*
I, after the class had officially started,
Nagare: Yes. You said that in the last sentence already. We got it the first time. It’s really not that difficult a concept. Look, Suethor, don’t write for your intelligence group. Only plankton and algae are in that range! PEOPLE can read! And you’re writing for PEOPLE!
couldn't help but notice that two particular boys were not at their seats, and were missing.
Nagare: As implied by the fact that THEY ARE NOT IN THEIR FUCKING DESKS! STOP TREATING YOUR READERS LIKE FUCKING CHIMPANZEES! WE CAN FUCKING READ! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WE’RE SPORKING THIS FUCKING THING?
Mantra: She really expects us to believe she’s oh so intellectual. She really does. *Snorts* I’d laugh if I weren’t so pissed off. She’s in the first class of her entire academic career, and the only thing she can concentrate on is BOYS. Sorry, Suethor, still not buying it. You clearly have no idea what EVIDENCE fucking means.
But before long the doors burst open and hurried steps came up the aisle, drawing everyone's attention.
Nagare: Yes, loud noises tend to do that in quiet environments. WE FUCKING KNOW! *Rubs forehead* The stupidity of the Suethor pisses me off, but her expectation that we’re as stupid of her makes me want to stab someone. Repeatedly. In the crotch.
Mantra: I second that movement. It shall be our main tactic during the interrogation with the Sue. *Sneers* I hope she at least has some semblance of Gryffindor qualities in her. The longer she refuses to give us information, the longer we can keep the session going.
Hermione looked up and rolled her eyes at the boys while I looked up and smiled, waving to Harry and Ron.
Nagare: What did I say about no phrases should be used twice in the same sentence? Clearly, the Suethor is deaf as well. Joy.
Mantra: Well, that’s not going to stop me from ranting. The fucking bitch asked for it, so I’m going to give it to her.
"Whew! We made it," Ron sighed loudly as he slowed his steps. "Can you imagine the look on McGonagall's face if we were late?"
Mantra: *Snarls* I hate that stereotype. I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE that stereotype. Ron was emotionally shallow, as any other teenage boy, but he wasn’t fucking STUPID! He was surprisingly intelligent and observant in many matters! The kid defeated fucking MCGONAGALL at chess in his FIRST YEAR! Stop making him out to be a brainless twit! Making other characters dumber doesn’t make your avatar look more intelligent! It just makes us want to kill her more! *Sighs* Althought I should probably blame this more on Chris Columbus...
At that, Professor McGonagall jumped into the air and morphed before landing and walking in human form up to them, much like she had done to Hermione and I.
Nagare: God…what was even the bloody point? Now she’s just gone right back to copy-pasting…and yes, even I could tell even though all I have are some bloody briefing notes. *Groans* I really pity the guys coming after us, I really do…
Mantra: As long as I don’t have to sit through another one of these bitching sessions, I’m happy.
I have a feeling you're going to find out Ron.
Nagare: What?
Mantra: *Squints* What?
Nagare: What, what, what, what, what?
Mantra: I think we agree. That sentence makes no fucking sense. None. At all.
Nagare: What?
Mantra: Exactly.
"That was bloody brilliant!" Ron said quickly as Harry stared at her wide eyed.
Mantra: Oh, great. Now Harry’s getting turned on. *Sighs* Even the innuendo isn’t helping with this…
Nagare: So stop pointing it out. It’ll help both of us, really, if you keep these comments private.
Mantra: But watching your reaction is certainly still amusing, though.
Nagare: *Grits her teeth* Well, none of this is the least bit amusing to me. So stop doing it.
"Thank you for that assessment Mr. Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I transfigured Mr. Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way one of you might be on time,"
Nagare: You know, it baffles me how she can directly copy and paste from canon, and yet still make all the grammar mistakes she does. It’s astounding, really. Most people have to try to act that stupid. My head hurts just from trying to fathom the level of stupidity the Suethor must be at.
Mantra: And thank you, Suethor, for turning a brilliant, witty scene in the movie into this dry drivel. I really appreciate that.
"We got lost," Harry said shyly, stuttering a bit.
Mantra: HE WASN’T FUCKING SHY! He was fucking NERVOUS! Big difference! What, does this Suethor have a goddamned fetish for shy people? It’s bloody annoying! I haven’t felt bloodlust this strong since I first got enslaved! Congratu-fucking-lations, you whore!
"Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need one to find your seats,"
Nagare: And that is perhaps one of the most awkward ways to end a section in the history of ending sections. It’s not witty. It doesn’t get the reader thinking. It doesn’t offer a smooth ending. It’s like cutting a four-minute-long piece of music off at the two minute mark. It’s horribly jarring and say a good fucking deal about your writing skills. Though I have no idea why I expect any more from you after the abomination that was the last Chapter…*Sighs*
The next class of the day
Nagare: Wait…you mean, THAT’S IT? That’s all we hear about her FIRST FUCKING CLASS at her FIRST FUCKING SCHOOL? THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY SHE’S EVER HAD OF SYSTEMATICALLY LEARNING FUCKING MAGIC? THAT WAS FUCKING IT? Well, Suethor, if you’re determined to skip every scene that might be mildly interesting, why don’t you skip this entire fic and spare us the pain? If you don’t plan to write out these essential scenes for establishing the rules of magic and the atmosphere at Hogwarts, then why don’t you cut out all the other scenes devoted solely to praising your avatar?
Mantra: Well, the Sue’s already showed off for that class, so the rest of the period really doesn’t matter. We have to speed along to the next opportunity for canon characters to throw themselves at the Sue’s feet, after all. *Snarls*
Nagare: *Sighs explosively and buries head in heads* I know. And that’s what makes it so damned painful…
made me both smile and cringed at the same time.
Mantra: And how are you supposed to accomplish that? I’m a fucking shape-shifter with total command over how my face looks, and I don’t think I can manage that.
Nagare: *Stonily* Clearly, the Sue’s face is as flexible as the rest of her. After all, she must have had a lot of practice.
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* Great to see you join in on the innuendo lampshading. We should start a group for this, you know…We could call it Innuendos for Sanity. Or maybe For The Lulz…
Nagare: *Glares* I’m just pointing out a simply fact that you and I both know for certain. The Sue’s a damned whore and should be crucified with her own fingernails.
Mantra: *Vicious grin* Ooh~ This Sporking’s getting better all the time, ain’t it? This might not be half as bad as I imagined.
Nagare: *Still coldly* Then you must have a formidable imagination.
Potions.
Mantra: Ah, I’m betting this lesson will takes twice as long as the Transfiguration lesson…for the sole sake of having the Sue wow Snape at every turn…Poor guy, he always gets targeted by Sues, whether they hate him and humiliate him or want to get in his pants.
Nagare: *Stares* He has my full sympathies. No one should have to deal with that. Ever.
Mantra: *Shrugs* The woes of being portrayed by a popular actor…At least our canon shall never be made into movies. Take comfort in that, at least.
Nagare: *Odd glance* You know, you say the weirdest things some times.
I, despite my many bad experiences with my father over potions, loved making them and seemed to have a knack for it.
Nagare: Bullshit. You father was a good man who tried to inform you about the very society you lived in, whilst you were a dirty little whore who did nothing but complain about all the hard work you have to do. You have no fucking CLUE what ‘bad experiences’ constitute. You know what? I vote we enrol her in The Organization’s training regimes for a few weeks. The bitch needs a taste of what ‘traumatising’ means.
Mantra: She really can’t make up her mind at all on what she wants, huh? One second, she’s pissing and moaning about having to do work. The next, she’s all excited to be in class. Then, she’s pissing and moaning because of her father’s oh so traumatising tutoring. Then, she’s proclaiming she loves the subject. Look, lady, I’ve seen traumatised people. I’m surrounded by traumatised people. If you father did to you what you very dearly deserve, you wouldn’t be able to hear the word ‘potions’ and not run screaming into the night. As much as I want to teach this bitch a lesson in traumatisation, I don’t think the poor Trainees deserve having to learn together with her. They’ve got enough on their hands as it is.
Nagare: But I’m sure plenty of Trainers would be more than happy to have a go at her.
Mantra: We're the ones who have to suffer through this thing so we can hunt her down! I’m not handing her over to someone else! If she’s getting tortured, I’m going to do it myself! No one's barging in on my hunt for vengence!
But on the other hand, the teacher for the class was Professor Snape, friend of my parents,
Mantra: *Snarls* Severus Snape has no friends. Severus Snape needs no friends. So you keep your little paws off him before I rip your womb out with my bare hands.
and didn't seem to have any kind of nice side to him.
Mantra: Well, at least Snape is in character…We’ll see how long that lasts.
I now sat between Harry and Hermione as the two talked to everyone besides me, but I didn't mind much,
Nagare: Of course not. That’s why you kept emphasising the fact.
I enjoyed hearing others conversations around me as I got to know them without them knowing.
Nagare: And now you’re just being fucking creepy. If they’re talking to someone else and ignoring you, that probably means they don’t WANT you in the conversation. It’s common decency to not listen in.
Mantra: Well, knowing how Sues work, the conversation is probably all about her, anyways. The main characters’ lives vanish the minute the Sue shows up and now all they live for is to please and serve her. *Spits*
That's how I knew I liked Harry and Ron,
Nagare: I’m sure they must be relieved to have received your Stamp of Approval. No matter how vehemently you insist that you are being a shy, insecure, friendly little kid, you true nature still shines through, huh?
Mantra: You mean, she didn’t like Harry and Ron before? Well, then why does she devote every second to insulting Hermione, and yet doesn’t think a single negative thought about Harry and Ron? Because they’re the Almighty Men? You know, every sentence makes me want to kill the damned bitch more. Are you sure we can’t sneak off to that dimension now and just finish her off?
The Voice: The Portal shall not open until the Sporking is finished. We do not want to condemn someone to death without knowing every crime they have committed.
Mantra: Aw~ You’re seriously telling me she doesn’t deserve death as it is?
The Voice: She must pay for every crime. Therefore, we must read the full account of her actions.
Mantra: *Curses* Fine. I’ll just have to settle with fantasizing about breaking her kneecaps then.
they were really nice to the people around them,
Nagare: Unlike you. And isn’t being nice to people a basic social etiquette? I mean, the people in The Organization aren’t the most sociable creatures, and we know you have to at least pretend to be nice to other! If acting nice to people alone is enough to gain her Stamp of Approval, then why does she hate on Hermione so much when she’s just as nice? If acting nice is not enough, then why does Harry and Ron automatically get a pass?
Mantra: Because they are Hot, and Hermione get to spend time with them in canon. That’s all you need to know, really.
except maybe Hermione who didn't do much to dissuade their opinion, like maybe acting less know-it-all-ish.
Mantra: Okay, the level of Hermione hate is simply getting ridiculous now. This is like some kind of twisted inverse of Harmoanians. This deserves a Capslocked rant so much, I don’t even know where to begin. So I’m not going to. You viewers can splutter and curse on your own. I’m just going to continue fantasizing about her graphic, graphic death.
Suddenly the door swung open, hitting the stone wall with a bang as
Mantra: The PPC Agents rushed into the Room and killed the Sue.
Nagare: I thought you wanted her for yourself?
Mantra: Well, I’m clearly not getting anywhere near her right now, but the PPC is still free to interfere.
Professor Snape rushed in, his black robes billowing around him until he reached the front of the room.
Nagare: Of course his robes would be billowing! What, you think they’d be staying completely still? If you’re going to describe something, why not choose something that actually helps the readers visualise the setting? As it is, you could be sitting at a nice little part or in a blood-splattered prison cell for all I know! Priorities, Suethor! GET THEM STRAIGHT!
"There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion making," Snape announced as his eyes roved over the students in the room until he looked from me to Draco.
Mantra: *Smirks* I see that Snape is fighting valiantly to stay in character, including making subtle comments about the Sue’s actual intelligence.
"However, for those select few who possess the predisposition. I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses.
Mantra: *Looks pensive for a moment* You know, I wonder what it is about bad writing that brings out innuendos. I mean, it doesn’t leap out at me nearly as much in the canon material…
Nagare: Well, at least it’s clear that your brain has a twisted, twisted self-defence mechanism.
Mantra: *Brightens* Ah well, who cares? (Snape) I shall introduce you to all kinds of potions from aphrodisiacs to date-rape drugs! And we shall be testing these concoctions upon Miss Sherwood here, as I have heard of her formidable reputation.
Nagare: *Twitches* I see innuendos are just like bad fics. Just as you think they can’t possibly get worse, they do. And no matter how many of them you have subjected yourself to, you can never quite build up an immunity to them.
Mantra: *Grins* And thank God for that.
I show you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death," Then Snape's eyes touched on someone.
Mantra: Well, Snape certainly has impatient eyes. In the middle of class, too! Those perverted little balls…
Nagare: *Slams head against table* Oh, we’re back to that, are we? For the love of…
"Then again maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention,"
I looked over at Harry to see him writing and quickly nudged him with my elbow until he looked at me and then up at Professor Snape.
Mantra: And we have yet another scene completely misinterpreted. Harry was writing in canon because he was taking NOTES. As in, he was fucking LISTENING to what Snape was saying! He wouldn’t need you to bloody nudge him because he WAS listening! That scene showed that Harry genuinely tries at his studies, though he’s not nearly as good as Hermione, as well as showing Snape’s blatant hate for Harry and his rampant prejudice. It established essential character traits for TWO main character and you have just gone and ruined it. *Slow clap* You know, I’m thinking about crushing her fingers knuckle by knuckle and grounding the bones to dust.
Nagare: What an excellent idea. And when we run out of fingers, we can start on the toes.
Mantra: Indeed.
"Mr. Potter, our new celebrity. Tell me what would I get if I added root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"
Hermione's hand sprang up beside me as Harry remained silent, Hermione looking as is she were about to pee her pants.
Nagare: Wait! Scroll that bit by again. What the fuck did she just say?
Mantra: Frankly, I don’t think anything we say can possibly encompass the pure stupid emitting from that line. Let’s just let the fic spork itself. At least it’s less work for us.
Shyly I raised my hand to barely above my head, though I knew Snape would not be calling on me.
Nagare: Meaning you did it solely for attention. And how dare you blame Hermione for being eager to answer a question as though she should know the Professor wouldn’t pick on her? He’s not her bloody family friend! She doesn’t know he’s prejudiced as hell yet! She’s just trying to speed the lesson along as well as ingratiate herself with the teacher! Look, you can be a smug little bitch. A lot of authors have made that idea work. But don’t pretend you’re some kind of Saint of Purity whilst rubbing your bitchiness in my face! *Draws knives* You know, some societies used to cut off the noses of their prisoners. I think there’s a lesson in that.
Mantra: *Smirks* The ears were a popular target as well. There is much to learn from history in this regard.
"You don't know? Well let's try again. Where Mr. Potter would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?"
"I don't know, sir,"
"And what is the difference between monkswood and wolfsbane?"
"I don't know sir,"
Mantra: Oh, poor Harry. You used commas so well last time! The Sue must be leeching off more of your intelligence than I thought. Don’t worry though, Snape there isn’t having it any easier with the commas…
Nagare: Just how old is this author anyways? I’m certain most schools would teach basic grammar, right? I mean, the freaking Organization taught us that much…
Mantra: Never underestimate the stupidity of Suethors. Only they can warp all sense of grammar, spelling and characterisation so far that the Elder Gods are driven to insanity.
I slowly lowered my hand until I was looking down at my notebook where I began to make note of the answers, for I knew he would start yelling at us to write it down at any moment.
Mantra: Oh, isn’t the Sue simply great for anticipating Snape’s move like that? Aren’t the canon characters so stupid for being dazed by Snape’s brazen attack on Harry? Don’t you love the little bitch so much that you want to write slavishly enthusiastic reviews about her? You don’t? Why? Because she’s a smug little whore that didn’t get spanked enough as a kid? Yeah, I thought as much.
Nagare: And of course, the Sue already know the fucking answers. Look, high marks come at a price. If you want great academic results, you have to sacrifice time with your friends to study. If you want your Sue to frolic everywhere with the main characters, then her marks are going to suffer because of it. It’s goddamned COMMON SENSE…which explains why it is not included in this story. *Spits and curses*
"Pity. Clearly fame isn't everything. Is it, Mr. Potter?" Snape asked as Draco smiled happily at Harry.
Mantra: Smiled happily? The term, I don’t think it means that you think it means. All I’m getting here is an image of Draco smiling sweetly like a demented cartoon character, complete with Bambi eyes, whilst drooling at Harry, which, admittedly, is a pretty nice mental image.
"Clearly Hermione and Rebecca know. It's a pity not to ask them," Harry exclaimed suddenly, making me jump as I put my quill back in my ink well.
Mantra: Oh yes, the Sue’s already beginning to steal the spotlight from the main characters. Now, Hermione’s sharing her big defining moment with the Sue…at least she had the decency to put her name second.
Nagare: *Stares* Do these creatures have no SHAME? What kind of upbringing do you need to have to consider this a likeable person?
Mantra: Don’t try to comprehend the void that is the mind of Suethors. You shall only drive yourself to madness.
Nagare: I don’t know…I’m getting pretty close just by reading this crap…
"Silence," Snape said calmly as students began to whisper and chuckle amongst themselves.
Nagare: Erm…why? One of their classmates just got yelled at and interrogated for no reason…You’d think these people would be worried, since blatant prejudice and antagonism does not make a good teacher. They’d probably be staring in horror or indignation at Snape.
Mantra: Clearly, the Suethor has forgotten that there are other Gryffindors present than our main characters and thought that the classroom was filled with Slytherins. She’s a Suethor. It’s only reasonable that she can’t remember basic facts like this.
After a moment of glaring, Professor Snape walked over to where Harry sat and place a seat in front of him before sitting, crossing his arms on the table as he stared at Harry.
Nagare: …If she’s trying to make him sound intimidating, she just failed. Hard. All I’m getting is a guy on a dinner date, getting all close to the pretty girl, trying to sniff her…
Mantra: *Bursts out laughing* Oh god…that was priceless…Thank you for that mental image. It was the nicest one I have gotten in a long time.
"Put your hand down you silly girl," Professor Snape hissed at Hermione, causing her to drop her hand.
Mantra: Of course, the Sue was a smart little cookie and avoided this humiliation by reading ahead. Damn it, Suethor, only I’m allowed to do that! And I only do it for comical effect! It’s not something you can exploit away! It destroys all tension! It destroys all conflict! *Shakes her head* What am I doing, expecting conflict in a Mary Sue fic? Of course, things will just turn out peachy for her and she’ll get her own happily ever after…*Retches*
"For your information Potter, asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is called the Draft of the Living Dead.
Mantra: DROUGHT! It was the fucking DROUGHT of Living DEATH! No ‘the’! It takes 0.18 seconds to Google that!
A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and will save you from most poisons. As for monkswood and wolfs bane, they are the same plant which is also goes by the name of aconite," he announced before his eyes moved from me to the boy sitting on the other side of Harry.
Nagare: Who we will not hear about because he is not a minion of the Sue. What is the POINT of that description up there? What does it tell us about ANYTHING? If you have the time to rhapsodise about Snape’s eye movements, why don’t you fucking describe the fucking setting? Their first fucking class at their first fucking school? What, those aren’t important?
"Well, why aren't you all copying this down?"
Immediately every student, except me of course,
Mantra: Because you’re just a perfect, sparkly little bitch. *Runs hand through hair* God, this is getting to me…
grabbed their quills and opened their books and began writing notes.
Nagare: Is it so hard to say ‘Everyone complied.’? I have no idea what the Suethor is doing with her word count here. On the one hand, she’s summarising important canon events and skipping all sorts of details that make the story flow better. On the other hand, she words the simplest and most inconsequential actions in the most convoluted way possible to up her word count. All I’m getting here is that she’s trying to make the story more painful to read.
Mantra: And it pisses me off how good she is at that.
Professor Snape then moved to the front of the classroom and sat at his desk.
Mantra: We have to know this, you see, because the Almighty Suethor deemed it IMPORTANT to the story.
"And Gryffindors, note that five points will be taken from your house for your classmate's cheek,"
Mantra: Yes. How nice of him to word it so gently like that. And by ‘will be taken’, does he mean that he’s not taking the points off now? See what happens when you stop copy-pasting canon, Suethor? You start to suck even MORE!
Professor Snape commented as Draco chuckled as he smiled back at Harry.
Nagare: …What? Who’s doing WHAT?
Mantra: I believe Draco is doing his best Dumbledore imitation whilst Snape cosplays as Lily.
Nagare: *Squick* *Shakes head numbly* Suethor, please think about what you’re goddamned writing! I did NOT fucking need that mental image!
The professor looked up again from his notes to glare at Harry
Mantra: Snape is also writing down note? What the fuck is he doing that for?
Nagare: And wasn’t he just smiling at Harry a second ago? What on earth is happening?
Mantra: It seems that the fic has finally entered the Twilight Zone.
when he noticed that I wasn't writing.
"Miss Sherwood,"
Nagare: (Snape) Your name is not on my roll. I do not know where you came from, but please kindly leave my class and this universe immediately.
His suddenly sharp voice made me jump and wish I had been pretending to write down the notes.
Mantra: What, you mean he was keeping his voice all mellow and soft when he was interrogating Harry? You just have to do everything better than everyone, don’t you? Even in getting Snape to hate you? Given another chance, you know you wouldn’t have pretended to write down notes. It would ruin a perfect opportunity for you to awe Snape with your mad studying skillz.
Nagare: And is she seriously saying that someone who has been a teaching for much of their life wouldn’t be able to tell that she wasn’t genuinely writing notes? That she can actually get away with pretending to write? Bullshit. We don’t get many theoretical classes here, but when we have to take notes, the Trainers can see you doodling cats even if you’re sitting at the back of the room!
Mantra: *Amused* Personal experience?
Nagare: No! I…*Flushes* I just heard about it from…people.
I looked up at him shyly as he watched me like a predator watches it's prey.
Nagare: She’s…eleven, right? *Squick*
Mantra: Yes! Kill the Sue, Snape! I know you can do it! You’re used to these parasites coming in and warping everything like there’s no tomorrow!
"Shouldn't you be copying down notes?"
"I'm finished already, sir," I said clearly as my face turned red from the attention from the other students,
Mantra: Not buying it. You know you’re exulting in that attention. You know you’d be whining and pissing and moaning the very second the focus is away from you. Why the fucking else would you hate on the only other person just as academically advanced as you?
and I tried desperately to keep my hair from running a bright reddish color that seemed to be flaring over my cheeks.
Nagare: …what?
Mantra: I think that’s a reference to her Metamorphmagus powers.
Nagare: Suethor, you mentioned that power once in the first chapter and completely ignored it until now. You can’t just randomly throw out references to powers like that! She was damned nervous when she had to go into Harry and Ron’s compartments! She was nervous when she’s being sorted! Why is it only affecting her now? You have to keep a constant thread of references to it, so it doesn’t sound like a goddamned asspull! And why let her have the power at all if she doesn’t use it? Characters should have powers that help the plot! When have we seen her powers do anything?
Mantra: I dunno. I’d prefer ignoring the fact that she has a fucking GENETIC power that neither of her parents do, that is so rare that only one canon character has it, than have to hear about it all the time. I have a feeling it’d just piss me off even more.
In one smooth moment Professor Snape got up from his seat
Nagare: How can a moment be ‘smooth’?
Mantra: ANYTHING can happen in the TWILIGHT ZONE!
and moved to stand in front of my in nearly a blink of an eye. He snatched up my closed book and opened it to the first page where I had neatly written down the ingredients and put their usage and where you might find them.
Nagare: Of course, she’s completed the work and gone the extra mile. After all, conflict is for losers.
Mantra: And don’t you love how smug she sounds? She’s absolutely certain that she’s right. It makes me want to do a fic where Snape utterly eviscerates her for writing down the wrong answers.
Nagare: …Nope. You’re still weird.
Mantra: It’s fanfiction based on fanfiction! It makes perfect sense!
As I stared at the back of my notebook,
Nagare: Snape is standing in front her, his chest probably level with her eye. He’s holding the note book out either flat or at a very gentle incline so he can read it…How can she see the back of the note book? Unless Snape is horribly near-sighted and has to bring the book all the way up to his face, she shouldn’t be able to see anything!
Mantra: Unless she’s already on her knees, ready to get herself an A.
Nagare: …what are you…ARGH! *Flails* That was DISGUSTING!
Mantra: Why, thank you!
avoiding eye contact,
Nagare: Yes. How perfectly polite of you.
I felt Snape's eyes on me, burning into my forehead
Mantra: No. That was me. *Waves around blowtorch*
Nagare: Where on earth did you get that from?
Mantra: *Smirks* Are you sure you want to know?
Nagare: …No.
until he handed me my notebook back.
"Indeed you have, Miss Sherwood, and well written. As much as it pains me… five points… to Gryffindor,"
Nagare: Why? Isn’t points given for exceptionally well behaviour and deducted for misconduct? All she did was write notes in class! If that was ground for giving points, each House would have points into the millions by the end on the school year!
Everyone stared wide eyed at the professor.
Mantra: As they should be. Snape is fucking prejudiced! He's not going to give Gryffindor points for making amazingly neat notes! Did you read where Hemione answered all of his questions in canon? Did he give her points then? If your little Sue really did perform so well, he'd ignore her! Because he's actively out to disadvantage the Gryffindor House!
Go Forward to: Chapter 3, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 2, Part 3