Trying
Every day is hard but every day I move forward. Between the amount of hours I work, the promotion I received last year, and the work I do in the office everything is just trudging ahead - I wish it would go faster but I suppose this is my time. I've put in tons and tons of hours, and training, and now hold an account for trust approvals and requests, I am acting supervisor sometimes, and the amount of money incoming increased by a fair bit.
Nothing seems like it's enough? I am very good on my mistakes when using alcohol to cope but every now and then I go full tilt but even that is less and less...which is good but bad... once I did it on purpose just to see how bad I could get. I hated it, but I knew I was doing it.
I have twice in the last three months walked from Sunshine - I can't handle the crap. He even spent a night but then right back to the same old excuses. He needs new material. This last time I told him I just want to move on to someone who WANTS to be with me on a Saturday night, WANTS to hear from me every day, and wants to see me every day going forward - he is where he wants to be and it's without me so I am going to actively try and find someone who wants to be with me...
He didn't say anything to that. He has no argument, really.
Ma and I are still very close, I paid Dave and Brenda off with my line of credit and will pay the line back without issue, have found the truck I want but will wait until February when I get my bonus, and every day is forward movement with the usual minor hiccups. I just don't feel I am enough? or that things aren't moving enough? I am not sad by any stretch but happy? not "really"?
I am actively putting effort into losing weight but not over doing it by choosing at home exercises at least 10 to 15 minutes a day and that's starting to show a physical difference rather than a weight difference and I don't mind that.
I am going to St. Catharines in two weeks to see friends and I love to see them, but sometimes it's bitter sweet - I enjoy it, but I remember the times when Sunshine was with me and them...it was .. anyway, I'll be there soon. I am going to see Dave and Brenda in Peterborough soon in July and that will be great! we are going site seeing and I can meet the grandkids to which I am excited...they don't know it yet but I am taking them for dinner, too.
And then back to the same old, same old. Working towards my truck (2009 Equinox was the decider, in grey), working towards weightloss, working towards Italy.... I just wish there was something....