At long last, and update.
I got my car back on Feb 10th, and it's driving well. The first night I had it back I drove Greg and Ryan out to Perv. as it's test run. Should not have done that as my knee was screaming at me by the time we got out there, but it was worth it.
Right now I should have been out in Va. visiting Jay, but I'm not. I'm at home, and here's why...
So this is stated, I'm posting this because my letter to him has been sent. Don't care if it's been read yet, but it was sent at 2:50am.
Sent to me on the wed. after valentines day.
hey,
i just wanted to get your addy. and tell you about this person i've met.... i cant believe that we met the way we did. just hanging out, trying to be supportive for a freind, and next thing i know we're talking and totally hitting it off! i'm not sure what to think of her, but i know that i'm scared of what could happen between us, so i guess it's pretty serious (only time will tell)
i dunno, i guess i just wanted you to hear it from me before reading it on my LJ....
write me back, or gimme a call when you get the email, k?
HUGZ
~J
As I read this, I literally felt like I was dying. I couldn't eat for days. I dropped all contact with nearly everyone I know until recently. I cried so much that my eye's couldn't make the tears fast enough, even up until earlier this past week I was still having bad bouts of crying. With time this letter came forward and is now in his inbox.
Dearly broken soul, devoid of emotion
On this, the annual celebration of your birth, I offer you this: A matter of conscience to consider...
How does one become cause for the stirring of hopes only to turn and shatter dreams in spite? Why does one seek what he senses to be beyond reach, then once shown well in reach turn away in shame? You'd offered me the solace of a companion, another chance, a new beginning, a love born of beauty... You'd offered these things only to take them away. Send word of broken sentiment, send word of spiteful feelings amassed from a void, send word of your death, but not words of your love for another; any of these would have shown some sign of sympathy. For that matter, a simple email is your method of torturing my heart? You've not enough compassion for what I offered you: to speak words in person or by phone; no, you must hide behind words of black and white beyond your presence.
Once upon a time you said that I scared you. When I asked why, you said you would tell me at a better time. So fleeting is time that now you will never be afforded such an opportunity. Perhaps my loss, perhaps your own.
You spoke words of wanting to hold me forever; things of that nature. Truth, likely a foreign concept to one such as yourself, would speak that these were the things that I wanted, yet not in so hollow the words you speak with.
You stood over me as I slept, just watching. I opened my eyes. "So that's what you look like..." From this, one of our first moments, I knew that I loved you, that I was in love with you. I was so hurt over the past between River and myself that I lied to myself and hid within my shell. I tried to tell myself that it was a crush, a passing infatuation that would fade with time, but I was wrong. This was perhaps my greatest and only fault, but one justified. It was too hard to admit to my own feelings at that point in my life, but I see now that at least I have feelings to share that are genuine and true.
In time you helped me to overcome my fears. You made me face these demons rather than running and hiding from them. As masks dropped one by one I grew to love you more than anyone I'd loved before. It was a euphoric peace and outspoken joy that everyone knew and accepted, even you. I never got the chance to tell you directly about these things I felt. I wanted to tell you in person. Perhaps hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.
One of the hardest things for me was the patience you asked of me. It was a burden upon myself that would best have been left a lesson for another day. Or perhaps not. Without the patience I granted as asked, I may never have seen your true face.
We'd both seen others since we met. All, save one were for the human need for physical contact. Not spoken in terms of a sexual nature but of signs of affection; the need to be hugged, to be held, to be cared for. The one other I'd had feelings for was Ryan. The feelings I had for him needed time to show their intentions, which became simply the bonds of a strong friendship. I used to throw about the words "I love you" freely without thought, but such things ceased long before your last birthday. I never told Ryan that I loved him; only you. And when I spoke those words, I meant them with all of me, though I doubt you'd understand...
By chance do you recall my live journal post of the lyrics to "send me an angel?" That post was written with you in mind. Later that day you called to tell me you'd heard it on the radio. My heart fluttered in my chest and my eyes swelled with tears... I was so happy. Until recently I had secretly considered it to be "our song." No longer...
When you were working at the fertility clinic I would look forward to the time we had to talk, even if only for painfully brief moments at a time. From then on every time you called it always seemed to cheer me up, at least a bit.
Because of you I took off a mask that had grown old and dusty upon my face. I finally admitted to myself and everyone that I am a hopeless romantic. For about two weeks I'd been wanting to openly tell you and the world all of these feelings. Fate has it that the moment for these things never came to pass.
Lest I become repetitive and hollow in my words, I will stop writing of memories past.
Your actions and your words have spoken that you desire to be with another... That your feelings for her already scare you. This allows me one simple aspect of peace: That I may stop chasing the shadow of something that was never there. I cut the strings I've allowed to tie us together and accept now that the time we had has now come to a bitter end.
What once could have been your everything,
Cassandra Allison
From your first email to me... it seems now that I should have just been a cheap fuck. 10/25/02
"After all the bad relationships I have been in, what I want right now is something meaningless. Cheap sex, quick thrills, the standard male outlook... you're not the type of person I would want to do that to, so I refuse to allow you to become a part of my fucked up life (in that way). "
From and email you sent me when my computer was messing up. 3/7/03
"I didn't realize how much I enjoyed talking to you until you lost IM. this sux. now I have nobody to pick on, no one to to say 'lol' to.... how depressing."
From one of our first conversations on yahoo messenger. 10/28/02
"Jay: why submit and simply accept fate?
Jay: i define my own destiny, although it may be pre-determined
Jay: if it is, then it is pre determined that it is for me to accomplish
Jay: dont rush, but force yourself to do the things you want to enjoy.
Jay: life is for living
Jay: not just thinking about what you want to live, actually doing it"
From our conversation on msn, 12/11/04
"our relationship is solid.... neither time, nor b/f or g/f or f/f will obscure the friendship and love that we share..... only jealous stupidity will harm the relationship that we have in our lives separate of each other"
"love is trivial..... i have found that i love so freely, that i must seek a life partner that i can be completely free with..... she allow me to be myself, and i in turn will allow her to do as she wishes..... only in the depths of friendship can i truly be with a woman for all of my eternity"
Voltaire
See You in Hell
Rain soaked soul of mine
It's a gray day year
From ice cold eyes march
A parade of tears
It's hopeless don't it seem
When even in my dreams
You put me through Hell
I've tried everything I could
To make you see the good in me
I'm just sorry that I failed
Keep your empty tears
It's hopeless don't it seem
When even in my dreams
You put me through Hell
And left me this way
It's so obscene
You were so mean
When you meant everything to me
I'll see you in Hell
Just go on this way
And then some day
When you awake
I'll be a thousand miles away
(And you'll be in Hell
(Least I hope you will)
(Somewhere near Hell)
With this letter I attached all of the poetry that was inspired by him.
I know that it's fucked up that I'm posting this, but it is my live journal. It is were I keep the text of MY memories.
Since thursday I've been having some fun. Went to Perv. Had a lot of fun, met some new people, took some good pics. Friday / Saturday was fun as well, went and hung out with a friend I'd not seen in ages. We just kicked back and talked all night.
More updates, more often, coming soon.
Right now I should have been out in Va. visiting Jay, but I'm not. I'm at home, and here's why...
So this is stated, I'm posting this because my letter to him has been sent. Don't care if it's been read yet, but it was sent at 2:50am.
Sent to me on the wed. after valentines day.
hey,
i just wanted to get your addy. and tell you about this person i've met.... i cant believe that we met the way we did. just hanging out, trying to be supportive for a freind, and next thing i know we're talking and totally hitting it off! i'm not sure what to think of her, but i know that i'm scared of what could happen between us, so i guess it's pretty serious (only time will tell)
i dunno, i guess i just wanted you to hear it from me before reading it on my LJ....
write me back, or gimme a call when you get the email, k?
HUGZ
~J
As I read this, I literally felt like I was dying. I couldn't eat for days. I dropped all contact with nearly everyone I know until recently. I cried so much that my eye's couldn't make the tears fast enough, even up until earlier this past week I was still having bad bouts of crying. With time this letter came forward and is now in his inbox.
Dearly broken soul, devoid of emotion
On this, the annual celebration of your birth, I offer you this: A matter of conscience to consider...
How does one become cause for the stirring of hopes only to turn and shatter dreams in spite? Why does one seek what he senses to be beyond reach, then once shown well in reach turn away in shame? You'd offered me the solace of a companion, another chance, a new beginning, a love born of beauty... You'd offered these things only to take them away. Send word of broken sentiment, send word of spiteful feelings amassed from a void, send word of your death, but not words of your love for another; any of these would have shown some sign of sympathy. For that matter, a simple email is your method of torturing my heart? You've not enough compassion for what I offered you: to speak words in person or by phone; no, you must hide behind words of black and white beyond your presence.
Once upon a time you said that I scared you. When I asked why, you said you would tell me at a better time. So fleeting is time that now you will never be afforded such an opportunity. Perhaps my loss, perhaps your own.
You spoke words of wanting to hold me forever; things of that nature. Truth, likely a foreign concept to one such as yourself, would speak that these were the things that I wanted, yet not in so hollow the words you speak with.
You stood over me as I slept, just watching. I opened my eyes. "So that's what you look like..." From this, one of our first moments, I knew that I loved you, that I was in love with you. I was so hurt over the past between River and myself that I lied to myself and hid within my shell. I tried to tell myself that it was a crush, a passing infatuation that would fade with time, but I was wrong. This was perhaps my greatest and only fault, but one justified. It was too hard to admit to my own feelings at that point in my life, but I see now that at least I have feelings to share that are genuine and true.
In time you helped me to overcome my fears. You made me face these demons rather than running and hiding from them. As masks dropped one by one I grew to love you more than anyone I'd loved before. It was a euphoric peace and outspoken joy that everyone knew and accepted, even you. I never got the chance to tell you directly about these things I felt. I wanted to tell you in person. Perhaps hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.
One of the hardest things for me was the patience you asked of me. It was a burden upon myself that would best have been left a lesson for another day. Or perhaps not. Without the patience I granted as asked, I may never have seen your true face.
We'd both seen others since we met. All, save one were for the human need for physical contact. Not spoken in terms of a sexual nature but of signs of affection; the need to be hugged, to be held, to be cared for. The one other I'd had feelings for was Ryan. The feelings I had for him needed time to show their intentions, which became simply the bonds of a strong friendship. I used to throw about the words "I love you" freely without thought, but such things ceased long before your last birthday. I never told Ryan that I loved him; only you. And when I spoke those words, I meant them with all of me, though I doubt you'd understand...
By chance do you recall my live journal post of the lyrics to "send me an angel?" That post was written with you in mind. Later that day you called to tell me you'd heard it on the radio. My heart fluttered in my chest and my eyes swelled with tears... I was so happy. Until recently I had secretly considered it to be "our song." No longer...
When you were working at the fertility clinic I would look forward to the time we had to talk, even if only for painfully brief moments at a time. From then on every time you called it always seemed to cheer me up, at least a bit.
Because of you I took off a mask that had grown old and dusty upon my face. I finally admitted to myself and everyone that I am a hopeless romantic. For about two weeks I'd been wanting to openly tell you and the world all of these feelings. Fate has it that the moment for these things never came to pass.
Lest I become repetitive and hollow in my words, I will stop writing of memories past.
Your actions and your words have spoken that you desire to be with another... That your feelings for her already scare you. This allows me one simple aspect of peace: That I may stop chasing the shadow of something that was never there. I cut the strings I've allowed to tie us together and accept now that the time we had has now come to a bitter end.
What once could have been your everything,
Cassandra Allison
From your first email to me... it seems now that I should have just been a cheap fuck. 10/25/02
"After all the bad relationships I have been in, what I want right now is something meaningless. Cheap sex, quick thrills, the standard male outlook... you're not the type of person I would want to do that to, so I refuse to allow you to become a part of my fucked up life (in that way). "
From and email you sent me when my computer was messing up. 3/7/03
"I didn't realize how much I enjoyed talking to you until you lost IM. this sux. now I have nobody to pick on, no one to to say 'lol' to.... how depressing."
From one of our first conversations on yahoo messenger. 10/28/02
"Jay: why submit and simply accept fate?
Jay: i define my own destiny, although it may be pre-determined
Jay: if it is, then it is pre determined that it is for me to accomplish
Jay: dont rush, but force yourself to do the things you want to enjoy.
Jay: life is for living
Jay: not just thinking about what you want to live, actually doing it"
From our conversation on msn, 12/11/04
"our relationship is solid.... neither time, nor b/f or g/f or f/f will obscure the friendship and love that we share..... only jealous stupidity will harm the relationship that we have in our lives separate of each other"
"love is trivial..... i have found that i love so freely, that i must seek a life partner that i can be completely free with..... she allow me to be myself, and i in turn will allow her to do as she wishes..... only in the depths of friendship can i truly be with a woman for all of my eternity"
Voltaire
See You in Hell
Rain soaked soul of mine
It's a gray day year
From ice cold eyes march
A parade of tears
It's hopeless don't it seem
When even in my dreams
You put me through Hell
I've tried everything I could
To make you see the good in me
I'm just sorry that I failed
Keep your empty tears
It's hopeless don't it seem
When even in my dreams
You put me through Hell
And left me this way
It's so obscene
You were so mean
When you meant everything to me
I'll see you in Hell
Just go on this way
And then some day
When you awake
I'll be a thousand miles away
(And you'll be in Hell
(Least I hope you will)
(Somewhere near Hell)
With this letter I attached all of the poetry that was inspired by him.
I know that it's fucked up that I'm posting this, but it is my live journal. It is were I keep the text of MY memories.
Since thursday I've been having some fun. Went to Perv. Had a lot of fun, met some new people, took some good pics. Friday / Saturday was fun as well, went and hung out with a friend I'd not seen in ages. We just kicked back and talked all night.
More updates, more often, coming soon.