I am the razor in the hand of your heart, and I am the razor in the hands of god.
Your self conscious is like a Matryoshka Doll designed by Escher; it's pointless to dig too deep because eventually you find yourself just unravelling the same two ideas over each other, flipping from one side to the next like a coin sitting on it's side, never quite falling one way or the next. I'm starting off with this idea because up until this point in my life, I was certain I knew why I did what I do. Unfortunately I've reached that level of cerebral awareness where the signals in my brains are so aware of their design that I can't be sure what my true motives are anymore.
Cognitive dissonance is the concept of holding to opposing ideas at the same time. Our brains are naturally hardwired to eliminate this dissonance in anyway possible. What may seem like like a logical deduction may in reality just be your brain trying to solve an un winnable game: You think you don't want to be an millionaire because that much money would cloud you with hubris but in reality you don't have a choice. You're just too narcissistic to say you don't always get what you want.
I wanted to talk to Jenna about this because she's my panel of experts but now she is practically a panel of judges who are certain I'm clinically insane... well insane by the definition of narcissism before they took it out of the DSM... That's her way of rationalizing away the dissonance of having a boyfriend and romantic past with me. I was going to e-mail her but I realized with her current frame of mind I would just be victim of a hateful reply of ridicule... Without her to count on in a moment like this I can only pontificate my frustration in hopes that I will look back at this moment with insight.
Four years ago Jenna shared with me the valuable criticism of her friend Ted of whom she lived with and met me when I visited her two weeks before. She was fond of Ted's personality, namely his knack for being able to gather a good sense of other people's personalities at first interaction. I was extremely excited when she told me she had asked him about his thoughts on me and was equally disappointed with his reply.
Apparently I had initially come across as extremely stand offish and aggressive.
This confused me. It actually riddled my brain. I have no disillusions that I may be a curt and often arrogant jackass but I recall making a conscious decision that should I ever meet friends of people I hold in high esteem, that I would elicit a demeanor of approachability. I remembered actively making an effort towards being easy going and accommodating... somehow, I was completely missing my mark.
Ted must just have made a mistake.
But Jenna assured me he was a good judge of character. Even I am not egotistical enough to consider myself and exception. There had to be something I was doing that was giving off that signal.
Flash forward to today. Four years older, much wiser and more assured in who I am now and becoming and even more determined to woo those who mingle with the ones I love. As you might of guessed, I find myself confronted with even more bleak revelations.
Disregarding how valid Lisa's friends opinions might actually hold weight in my critical view of the world, the recent criticisms of one did register a nerve. (Oh, yeah... her and I... not a thing right now). Apparently it has once again been revealed that I do not make the most favorable first impression. This time, however, I actually seemed to have made the person feel as though I were competing with them. Once again, I can not recall making one arrogant or belligerent remark...
The obvious conclusion is that I am just naturally, a despicable human being.
Fine.
But let's say I honestly don't want to be! What if I REALLY want to go straight. What if I want to know how to be enjoyable on first interaction!? How do I let go of this naturally disgusting demeanor?
So I start thinking about what subconscious motives must be driving this malicious machine. And I immediately go to confidence. And that's exactly when things started to get really messy.
My standard fallback would just be that my over confidence is my weakness and I am just too arrogant to realize that being myself comes off as asinine but I didn't consider myself to be so much better than my most recent victim... I mean, on a logical level. Sure I was younger and more attractive but if anything I assumed this guy was just farther along and more successful than I. In a field I most likely knew nothing about. In reality I could not have thought that I was anymore valuable than he and even if I did, why would I feel the need to boast that to someone who is considered a dear friend of my girlfriend?!
So what if it is in fact, lack of confidence? What if I in fact have so very little confidence, that I am so afraid to be revealed as a fraud, that have reduced my dissonance by creating this illusion of confidence that is in reality just brutal arrogance? That makes sense but also leaves me completely lost. I can not run around saying I am confident that I think I am a piece of shit and expect people to like me. Especially when confronted with the idea that I still enjoy myself much more than most people. So than I'm just back to square one where I'm still just a very overconfident piece of shit who brings out the worst in people even when he's trying to do good!
And there's that coin. There is no side that it rests on. Just the side I choose to look at. And that infuriates me. Because I can't win either way. No one would like my if I had no confidence and yet they seem to despise me if I think I'm worth talking about. The only in-between I can model in my mind seem's dishonest: Acting awkward and polite so as to seem cordial. This I can't live with. That idea only perpetuates my already extreme distaste for trite conversation. But I digress.
Putting aside the solution to discourse, I am hung up on my emotions concerning people's distaste with me. Not only the reality that I am miss firing so often but the revelation of finding out. When Lisa's friend told me this information (with the courage most people have when sitting behind a computer with alcohol in their system) I couldn't help but feel a certain amount of power. Which is possibly more disturbing. But it's true. And maybe this in this response rests the reality of why I am stand offish... I don't trust people to be honest with me. I felt an amazing amount vindication when reading this poor recount of my behavior. As if it proved something. As if everything I had done had added up to this truth. Perhaps I just don't trust anyone on first glance. That I am unconsciously conditioned to be on guard even when I'm not, always making sure that I am ready to perry any slight that should come in my direction. Because that is how I have learned to live life... But if that's true, why can't anyone just love me the way I am? Why do I HAVE to change. Especially something so deep and soldered to my subconscious. I'm the damaged one! Why can't I just be accepted for being broken? Why can't anyone give me the benefit of the doubt? Or at least have the guts to help me!
And that's the other thing... there was a certain amount of power I felt for having garnered this information. For finally getting the feedback to help develop myself. But also, for getting someone to tell me that they felt threatened by me when I was just being myself. That for a brief moment, he was helpless to my personality all because he couldn't just speak up at that moment... and that's kind of sick on my part... especially because there's no way to get away from it. The ego I get.
Even my response, so purposely made to be polite, flattering but also just a little insulting was so crafted that I couldn't help but be a little proud of myself... but is that what I really am? Or am I just justifying my failure? Regardless... does the reality matter if I'm happy and content with my perception? Unfortunately the last piece of the puzzle is that my perception lies on my loved ones... and if Jenna, Brooke and Lisa think that I truly am a monster that deserves to rot than I don't care who loves me I want to change... but I don't know if I can... or to be more accurate if they believe I can.... becuase that's what really matters.
Cognitive dissonance is the concept of holding to opposing ideas at the same time. Our brains are naturally hardwired to eliminate this dissonance in anyway possible. What may seem like like a logical deduction may in reality just be your brain trying to solve an un winnable game: You think you don't want to be an millionaire because that much money would cloud you with hubris but in reality you don't have a choice. You're just too narcissistic to say you don't always get what you want.
I wanted to talk to Jenna about this because she's my panel of experts but now she is practically a panel of judges who are certain I'm clinically insane... well insane by the definition of narcissism before they took it out of the DSM... That's her way of rationalizing away the dissonance of having a boyfriend and romantic past with me. I was going to e-mail her but I realized with her current frame of mind I would just be victim of a hateful reply of ridicule... Without her to count on in a moment like this I can only pontificate my frustration in hopes that I will look back at this moment with insight.
Four years ago Jenna shared with me the valuable criticism of her friend Ted of whom she lived with and met me when I visited her two weeks before. She was fond of Ted's personality, namely his knack for being able to gather a good sense of other people's personalities at first interaction. I was extremely excited when she told me she had asked him about his thoughts on me and was equally disappointed with his reply.
Apparently I had initially come across as extremely stand offish and aggressive.
This confused me. It actually riddled my brain. I have no disillusions that I may be a curt and often arrogant jackass but I recall making a conscious decision that should I ever meet friends of people I hold in high esteem, that I would elicit a demeanor of approachability. I remembered actively making an effort towards being easy going and accommodating... somehow, I was completely missing my mark.
Ted must just have made a mistake.
But Jenna assured me he was a good judge of character. Even I am not egotistical enough to consider myself and exception. There had to be something I was doing that was giving off that signal.
Flash forward to today. Four years older, much wiser and more assured in who I am now and becoming and even more determined to woo those who mingle with the ones I love. As you might of guessed, I find myself confronted with even more bleak revelations.
Disregarding how valid Lisa's friends opinions might actually hold weight in my critical view of the world, the recent criticisms of one did register a nerve. (Oh, yeah... her and I... not a thing right now). Apparently it has once again been revealed that I do not make the most favorable first impression. This time, however, I actually seemed to have made the person feel as though I were competing with them. Once again, I can not recall making one arrogant or belligerent remark...
The obvious conclusion is that I am just naturally, a despicable human being.
Fine.
But let's say I honestly don't want to be! What if I REALLY want to go straight. What if I want to know how to be enjoyable on first interaction!? How do I let go of this naturally disgusting demeanor?
So I start thinking about what subconscious motives must be driving this malicious machine. And I immediately go to confidence. And that's exactly when things started to get really messy.
My standard fallback would just be that my over confidence is my weakness and I am just too arrogant to realize that being myself comes off as asinine but I didn't consider myself to be so much better than my most recent victim... I mean, on a logical level. Sure I was younger and more attractive but if anything I assumed this guy was just farther along and more successful than I. In a field I most likely knew nothing about. In reality I could not have thought that I was anymore valuable than he and even if I did, why would I feel the need to boast that to someone who is considered a dear friend of my girlfriend?!
So what if it is in fact, lack of confidence? What if I in fact have so very little confidence, that I am so afraid to be revealed as a fraud, that have reduced my dissonance by creating this illusion of confidence that is in reality just brutal arrogance? That makes sense but also leaves me completely lost. I can not run around saying I am confident that I think I am a piece of shit and expect people to like me. Especially when confronted with the idea that I still enjoy myself much more than most people. So than I'm just back to square one where I'm still just a very overconfident piece of shit who brings out the worst in people even when he's trying to do good!
And there's that coin. There is no side that it rests on. Just the side I choose to look at. And that infuriates me. Because I can't win either way. No one would like my if I had no confidence and yet they seem to despise me if I think I'm worth talking about. The only in-between I can model in my mind seem's dishonest: Acting awkward and polite so as to seem cordial. This I can't live with. That idea only perpetuates my already extreme distaste for trite conversation. But I digress.
Putting aside the solution to discourse, I am hung up on my emotions concerning people's distaste with me. Not only the reality that I am miss firing so often but the revelation of finding out. When Lisa's friend told me this information (with the courage most people have when sitting behind a computer with alcohol in their system) I couldn't help but feel a certain amount of power. Which is possibly more disturbing. But it's true. And maybe this in this response rests the reality of why I am stand offish... I don't trust people to be honest with me. I felt an amazing amount vindication when reading this poor recount of my behavior. As if it proved something. As if everything I had done had added up to this truth. Perhaps I just don't trust anyone on first glance. That I am unconsciously conditioned to be on guard even when I'm not, always making sure that I am ready to perry any slight that should come in my direction. Because that is how I have learned to live life... But if that's true, why can't anyone just love me the way I am? Why do I HAVE to change. Especially something so deep and soldered to my subconscious. I'm the damaged one! Why can't I just be accepted for being broken? Why can't anyone give me the benefit of the doubt? Or at least have the guts to help me!
And that's the other thing... there was a certain amount of power I felt for having garnered this information. For finally getting the feedback to help develop myself. But also, for getting someone to tell me that they felt threatened by me when I was just being myself. That for a brief moment, he was helpless to my personality all because he couldn't just speak up at that moment... and that's kind of sick on my part... especially because there's no way to get away from it. The ego I get.
Even my response, so purposely made to be polite, flattering but also just a little insulting was so crafted that I couldn't help but be a little proud of myself... but is that what I really am? Or am I just justifying my failure? Regardless... does the reality matter if I'm happy and content with my perception? Unfortunately the last piece of the puzzle is that my perception lies on my loved ones... and if Jenna, Brooke and Lisa think that I truly am a monster that deserves to rot than I don't care who loves me I want to change... but I don't know if I can... or to be more accurate if they believe I can.... becuase that's what really matters.