(no subject)
I don't know if I can play poker with my friends anymore. I'm not sure why though. I'm at impasse concerning my love for the game but my hatred for particular players.
It's not even a matter concerning poker the more I think about it. It's concerning how much I am willing to compromise for my friends. And that's what this is, a compromise. I love hanging out with Jake and Val (Val's a dude). I despise Ben. That's my first emotional dissonance; I believe in enjoying people who are just who they are but I really don't approve of who this person is. I can get over that hypocrisy though because it's really not a matter of Ben being himself as much as it is an issue of me having to censor my personality for the sake of his. Ben's a douche-bag. And not in the way that I'm a dick and constantly push people's buttons in an attempt to play out some cosmic game in my head where I believe I am actually helping them. No, Ben is just an overly self-concious jackass with the temperament of a belligerent child. He's the future father of the kid whose bullying your son. You go to his house to try to work things out only to realize that the real problem is that your son's nemesis has a faulty role model. He's loud and physical, always patting you on the back a bit too hard. He makes outrageous, possibly sensational claims that usually are racist or at least that of a biggot. He always picks on you at the fourth of July barbecue and memorial day picnic and you tolerate it because you'd rather not risk lighting his short fuse. After all the guy is six feet tall and 300 pounds. You probably wouldn't like him when he's angry.
I'm not the kind of guy to tolerate this. I might not be much of a man but I am not afraid to speak my mind and in fact can not tolerate allowing people around me to behave out of line without being called out.
But here's the thing, people actually like this guy. People who are my friends. Close friends who for some reason just don't seem to be remotely as annoyed by Ben's immature tempter tantrums.
And thus the impasse. I want to hang out with my friends, but to do so I often am forced to hang out with Ben. I'm not afraid of Ben and would normally tell him to go fuck himself without a second thought. But I'm not selfish and I am not trying to create enemies or worse, factions amongst my friends. I'd much rather everyone get along. So I compromise. I tolerate Ben's actions and censor my own since they would lead to only more complications. But at what point am I giving too much?
That's what I wondered tonight.
I'm at an impasse because I can no longer tolerate this person but I that doesn't mean I don't have compassion for him. If my friends like him than they can hang out with him. I don't want to make them choose sides but I am no longer putting myself in a situation where I am going to leave angry.
I'm ashamed I let the guy get to me this much but I suppose Val put it best tonight when he said he no longer said it felt like a social game and it felt more like gambling (we we're playing poker, the catalyst for this event). He was more referring to the fact that we moved to a cash game rather than a tournament play but I think that's why I lost my cool tonight. Because I never am playing a social game when I'm with Ben (who has been playing with us the last six months); I'm always playing for keeps. His presence takes the fun out of it for me and I'm no longer in enjoyment mode but in courtier mode. And people like Ben don't deserve to be courted.
So the only way to solve this problem is to just disengage the group without siting a specific problem so as not to create bad feelings amongst friends. Sure, I lost 20 dollars to Ben tonight and that could be a big part of it (but it was mostly the way he responded to the win), but I'll let that be the excuse. The reality is I just want to start having fun again.
It's not even a matter concerning poker the more I think about it. It's concerning how much I am willing to compromise for my friends. And that's what this is, a compromise. I love hanging out with Jake and Val (Val's a dude). I despise Ben. That's my first emotional dissonance; I believe in enjoying people who are just who they are but I really don't approve of who this person is. I can get over that hypocrisy though because it's really not a matter of Ben being himself as much as it is an issue of me having to censor my personality for the sake of his. Ben's a douche-bag. And not in the way that I'm a dick and constantly push people's buttons in an attempt to play out some cosmic game in my head where I believe I am actually helping them. No, Ben is just an overly self-concious jackass with the temperament of a belligerent child. He's the future father of the kid whose bullying your son. You go to his house to try to work things out only to realize that the real problem is that your son's nemesis has a faulty role model. He's loud and physical, always patting you on the back a bit too hard. He makes outrageous, possibly sensational claims that usually are racist or at least that of a biggot. He always picks on you at the fourth of July barbecue and memorial day picnic and you tolerate it because you'd rather not risk lighting his short fuse. After all the guy is six feet tall and 300 pounds. You probably wouldn't like him when he's angry.
I'm not the kind of guy to tolerate this. I might not be much of a man but I am not afraid to speak my mind and in fact can not tolerate allowing people around me to behave out of line without being called out.
But here's the thing, people actually like this guy. People who are my friends. Close friends who for some reason just don't seem to be remotely as annoyed by Ben's immature tempter tantrums.
And thus the impasse. I want to hang out with my friends, but to do so I often am forced to hang out with Ben. I'm not afraid of Ben and would normally tell him to go fuck himself without a second thought. But I'm not selfish and I am not trying to create enemies or worse, factions amongst my friends. I'd much rather everyone get along. So I compromise. I tolerate Ben's actions and censor my own since they would lead to only more complications. But at what point am I giving too much?
That's what I wondered tonight.
I'm at an impasse because I can no longer tolerate this person but I that doesn't mean I don't have compassion for him. If my friends like him than they can hang out with him. I don't want to make them choose sides but I am no longer putting myself in a situation where I am going to leave angry.
I'm ashamed I let the guy get to me this much but I suppose Val put it best tonight when he said he no longer said it felt like a social game and it felt more like gambling (we we're playing poker, the catalyst for this event). He was more referring to the fact that we moved to a cash game rather than a tournament play but I think that's why I lost my cool tonight. Because I never am playing a social game when I'm with Ben (who has been playing with us the last six months); I'm always playing for keeps. His presence takes the fun out of it for me and I'm no longer in enjoyment mode but in courtier mode. And people like Ben don't deserve to be courted.
So the only way to solve this problem is to just disengage the group without siting a specific problem so as not to create bad feelings amongst friends. Sure, I lost 20 dollars to Ben tonight and that could be a big part of it (but it was mostly the way he responded to the win), but I'll let that be the excuse. The reality is I just want to start having fun again.