What A Bust...
So tonight could have been fun. But plans fell through. I guess I don't mind. I'm just a little pissed cause I gave up going to the gym. And now its too late. I should work out at the house. Maybe. I spent wayy too long on myspace tonight. I don't do that alot. I feel liks such a waste.
I know I have school work to do. But ofcourse I'm not going to do it until tomorrow. Cause it wouldn't be me if I started things early.
I hate school. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything there. I don't really have an indepth interest in learning about stuff. I mean the learning is cool but I hate the work. I'd really like to get out into a field and just have a career. College is such a waste of years and thousands of dollars. Its such a crock.
There's so many things I want to do with my life. But they all seem so illogical. I want to be a rockstar. I want to sing in a band in front of thousands of people. I want to share my emotions and my opinions with the world. I would love to be famous for my music. But that's such an unrealistic dream. I know it is. But singing is in my heart. It always has been. Then I want to be a marine mammal trainer. Which is a more pheesable (spelling?) idea, but how am I really going to do that up here? And I can't really afford to go out of state. I love the ocean so much. If I could make a living working with animals and the ocean. God. It doesn't even matter that I wouldn't be making a ton of cash. I would be so happy.
Bur frankly, my mom is all that I know. And for as crazy as she is. She's my only parent. And I love her more than words could ever say. And my Little Bear. He's like my best friend. I want all of us to move together. I don't know if I'm ready to leave home. I am somewhat independent. But I rely on my mom for so much moral support. She drives me insane but that's what parents do. I feel like I take everything for granted.
I feel like I'm taken for granted by people too.
I feel like my heart is in the right place, but my efforts are so scattered. I need to buckle down. But I don't want to. I want to go out. I want to have fun. I want it to be warm. I want to go to the beach during the day and walk to boardwalk stoned at night. I want to dance with my friends. I want to fall in love. I want someone to notice me.
Sometimes I feel like no one notices me.
I don't need to be an attention whore. But anyone who says they don't like attention is lying. Positive or negative, everyone wants eyes on them at some point. I'm no different. What am I doing this for?
I just wish I knew who was on my team.
My mom always says I spread myself too thin. She's right. I think about others before myself. And when I do try to focus on me I just get so frustrated. I feel like I work better when I'm not thinking about myself. I try to sit down and do school work, but I get distracted. And I go to the gym SOO much. And I'm just not seeing the results I want to. Its so fucking hard for me. I work harder than anyone I know and I just can't do what I want. 5 miles. How many people can say they run 5 miles multiple times a week? I get so proud of myself everytime I do it. I want other people to be proud of me too.
I want my dad to be proud of me.
I'm going to see him in 2 weeks. I can't believe it. 7 years. And now that I know the truth. I dunno. What do you say to the person that helped create you but never shared a moment with the life he created? I'm scared. When I met him at 13, I think I was too young to fully understand anything. But now I do understand. And it breaks my heart to know that at some point he did want me and my mom took that away from him. That wasn't fair. To him or to me. Being lied to for your entire life isn't fair. And I'm not mad at my mother. And I'm not holding anything against her. But I don't understand why she did it. I know she has her reasons. But coming from my perspective I feel like I was robbed in a way. I'm probably closer to my mom than I am to anyone in the whole world. I just don't get how people keep secrets. I hate secrets and deceptions. And now I'm going to be face to face with a man I don't know. I think part of me wants to see him and have this instant connection. That he'll see me and hug me and the almost 20 years he wasn't around will melt away. I felt like that when I was 13 and met him for the first time. But reality is.... he didn't even recognize me. He walked right passed me. I have so many questions to ask him. But I don't know how to put anything into words. My family says that I'm eliquinte. That I always know what to say and how to put it. But when it comes to him I feel like an infant all over again. Like I never had the chance to develop speech. To develop anything. I want to know what he thinks of me. I want to know IF he thinks of me. There's so much I want to know. But I don't have the guts.
I really am a coward.
I can talk so much shit. But I'm so sensitive. I take things to heart. I get hurt all the time. And I never say anything about it. Stupid things. Little things. Bob making fun of me. Joe calling me names. My mom critiquing me. IT HURTS. And I know I have to just get over myself so I keep everything inside. Cause I'm the person that people talk to about their problems. I don't really talk about mine. Like when I found out all the shit about my father and my mother. I told people once. But that's it. No one really knows how much I cry. I cry all the time.
I'm not depressed. I'm just confused and undirected. I get so scattered over everything. I'm like this huge ball of emotion all the time. Maybe I should go back into therapy. I'm better dealing with other people's problems. Listening and giving advice. Its when I focus on myself that I get all tourn up. I'm spelling like a 9yr old tonight. Maybe I should become a psycologist. Everyone says I should. And I'm good at it. Its not a passion but it'll make me money and I know I can do it well. I always said that therapists were the most fucked up people in the world. That's why they liked listening to others, it makes them feel better about themselves. I'd probably fit right in.
I can't believe how long this is. Maybe this will be my therapy. This and working out. And school. I HAVE to focus on school. It feel so good to write things down. Cause here it doesn't matter that my thoughts aren't organized and maybe I don't make sense. But I don't have to! That's beautiful. Night.
I know I have school work to do. But ofcourse I'm not going to do it until tomorrow. Cause it wouldn't be me if I started things early.
I hate school. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything there. I don't really have an indepth interest in learning about stuff. I mean the learning is cool but I hate the work. I'd really like to get out into a field and just have a career. College is such a waste of years and thousands of dollars. Its such a crock.
There's so many things I want to do with my life. But they all seem so illogical. I want to be a rockstar. I want to sing in a band in front of thousands of people. I want to share my emotions and my opinions with the world. I would love to be famous for my music. But that's such an unrealistic dream. I know it is. But singing is in my heart. It always has been. Then I want to be a marine mammal trainer. Which is a more pheesable (spelling?) idea, but how am I really going to do that up here? And I can't really afford to go out of state. I love the ocean so much. If I could make a living working with animals and the ocean. God. It doesn't even matter that I wouldn't be making a ton of cash. I would be so happy.
Bur frankly, my mom is all that I know. And for as crazy as she is. She's my only parent. And I love her more than words could ever say. And my Little Bear. He's like my best friend. I want all of us to move together. I don't know if I'm ready to leave home. I am somewhat independent. But I rely on my mom for so much moral support. She drives me insane but that's what parents do. I feel like I take everything for granted.
I feel like I'm taken for granted by people too.
I feel like my heart is in the right place, but my efforts are so scattered. I need to buckle down. But I don't want to. I want to go out. I want to have fun. I want it to be warm. I want to go to the beach during the day and walk to boardwalk stoned at night. I want to dance with my friends. I want to fall in love. I want someone to notice me.
Sometimes I feel like no one notices me.
I don't need to be an attention whore. But anyone who says they don't like attention is lying. Positive or negative, everyone wants eyes on them at some point. I'm no different. What am I doing this for?
I just wish I knew who was on my team.
My mom always says I spread myself too thin. She's right. I think about others before myself. And when I do try to focus on me I just get so frustrated. I feel like I work better when I'm not thinking about myself. I try to sit down and do school work, but I get distracted. And I go to the gym SOO much. And I'm just not seeing the results I want to. Its so fucking hard for me. I work harder than anyone I know and I just can't do what I want. 5 miles. How many people can say they run 5 miles multiple times a week? I get so proud of myself everytime I do it. I want other people to be proud of me too.
I want my dad to be proud of me.
I'm going to see him in 2 weeks. I can't believe it. 7 years. And now that I know the truth. I dunno. What do you say to the person that helped create you but never shared a moment with the life he created? I'm scared. When I met him at 13, I think I was too young to fully understand anything. But now I do understand. And it breaks my heart to know that at some point he did want me and my mom took that away from him. That wasn't fair. To him or to me. Being lied to for your entire life isn't fair. And I'm not mad at my mother. And I'm not holding anything against her. But I don't understand why she did it. I know she has her reasons. But coming from my perspective I feel like I was robbed in a way. I'm probably closer to my mom than I am to anyone in the whole world. I just don't get how people keep secrets. I hate secrets and deceptions. And now I'm going to be face to face with a man I don't know. I think part of me wants to see him and have this instant connection. That he'll see me and hug me and the almost 20 years he wasn't around will melt away. I felt like that when I was 13 and met him for the first time. But reality is.... he didn't even recognize me. He walked right passed me. I have so many questions to ask him. But I don't know how to put anything into words. My family says that I'm eliquinte. That I always know what to say and how to put it. But when it comes to him I feel like an infant all over again. Like I never had the chance to develop speech. To develop anything. I want to know what he thinks of me. I want to know IF he thinks of me. There's so much I want to know. But I don't have the guts.
I really am a coward.
I can talk so much shit. But I'm so sensitive. I take things to heart. I get hurt all the time. And I never say anything about it. Stupid things. Little things. Bob making fun of me. Joe calling me names. My mom critiquing me. IT HURTS. And I know I have to just get over myself so I keep everything inside. Cause I'm the person that people talk to about their problems. I don't really talk about mine. Like when I found out all the shit about my father and my mother. I told people once. But that's it. No one really knows how much I cry. I cry all the time.
I'm not depressed. I'm just confused and undirected. I get so scattered over everything. I'm like this huge ball of emotion all the time. Maybe I should go back into therapy. I'm better dealing with other people's problems. Listening and giving advice. Its when I focus on myself that I get all tourn up. I'm spelling like a 9yr old tonight. Maybe I should become a psycologist. Everyone says I should. And I'm good at it. Its not a passion but it'll make me money and I know I can do it well. I always said that therapists were the most fucked up people in the world. That's why they liked listening to others, it makes them feel better about themselves. I'd probably fit right in.
I can't believe how long this is. Maybe this will be my therapy. This and working out. And school. I HAVE to focus on school. It feel so good to write things down. Cause here it doesn't matter that my thoughts aren't organized and maybe I don't make sense. But I don't have to! That's beautiful. Night.