"I've been smart, I recommend pleasant"
Well, gosh. Yesterday was a day of recovery. I'm going to say that, while I did have legitimate reasons to be emotionally jacked up, it would have been manageable had not I also been in my first blast of hormones. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and all.
Let's see. A few weeks ago I mentioned my annoying professor on here I think? And I think I told you all about how the fella was advising me in the correct way to inform this professor of his idiocy without letting him know that I was doing so. In the end, I did make an oblique reference to him in a paper.
Keeping this incident in mind, let us return to this week. Most everyone knows, by now, about the "girls are ruining scifi" blog. In my opinion, this blog recieved far more attention than it deserved, and I decided to say so. Following several articles promoting women and our contributions to the world of science fiction, I posted my own article. And let me just tell you, I had FUN writing it! It was pure, grade A, holier-than-thou rhetoric. And, just in case you didn't know, I am good at that. When I want to I can turn a phrase, both memorable and wickedly satirical. But here's the thing, I was having fun and getting lost in the act of writing something really sharp. I don't often get to do that. Add to that, I had a valid point. But the problem with this scenario was two-fold. First, my valid point was completely lost in all that self-satisfied mocking. Second, I am not the kind of person who can write really controversial stuff.
The second point is the most important and will lead to an examination of the first. Here's the key. I can't handle saying things that alienate people whose opinions I care about. Some of the comments on this article were not just from faceless screennames, but from girls I actually know and consider to be friends. I was, and I mean this, shattered by their responses. But more than that, I had an actual physical feeling of illness over the reaction this article recieved. A feeling that stayed in the pit of my stomach the entire day and was constantly asserting its presence. As I said, it went up on Monday, which coincided with my first day of PMS depression. So, this certainly factored in to the whole thing. But I have had this sort of experience before, and my reaction is only slightly less, not completely absent.
As for the second point, I think I derive far too much pleasure in pointing out another person's stupidity. In this case, if I'm going to be honest, I was absolutely revelling in it. Sure, most of it was directed at the man who wrote the blog post, but no matter how much I protest, it's obvious that a fair share of it was aimed at my fellow writers as well--and I had no place doing something like that. And then, why do I need to make fun of the blogger either? Especially if I'm trying to make the point that he should be ignored?? This is where I bring up the annoying professor from a couple of weeks ago. What is this need I have of letting people know how stupid they are? It's an obvious answer, though I hate to admit it. I love doing this because I love the fact that it makes me seem smart. Well, to me, at least. To everyone else it makes me seem like a stuck-up jerk. And more importantly, most of the time I'm wrong anyway, either from lack of information or lack of understanding. Which makes me, by far, the bigger idiot in the scenario
What this is really coming to is an admission that I fancy myself to be quite clever, and I am pretty dang proud of that fact. The more I think about it, the more I think that this is true, and the evidence of it shows up in more and more places. Why don't I do my homework? Because I'm smart enough to get by anyway. Why do I tell people this? Because that way they can know how smart I am. Why do I correct small, unimportant mistakes in people's speech? To show how clever I was to pick up on it. Why do I feel such a need to point out people's stupidity to them? Because then they'll see that I'm smart enough to notice it.
In my defence, I don't think I do this conciously most of the time. I think that I simply found intelligence to be the best means of distinguishing myself when I was younger, and it became my most cherished talent. It was the shining jewel in my personality, the one from which came all my praise, respect, and acceptance. I may not be pretty or athletic, but I'm smart! If it is a question of knowing the answers, you want me! But I can't walk around saying "Hey, I'm smart!" to people because that is just tacky. So I developed these stealth means of conveying my intelligence, these subtle indications that I'm more brilliant than you cause look, I just pointed out another bit of proof of that fact. In case you're not sure, this is a BAD strategy!
There are some places, like when talking with Ducky, that these talents might be useful. However. In almost all of life they are not. And I mean that. And, as I have learned so painfully this week, I absolutely would rather get along with people than be smart. This video says it best.
I was deeply impressed by this philosophy back when I first saw this movie however many years ago, and I decided that I wanted to make it my philosophy as well. Today I think I want to recommit* myself to that idea. I, in my own personal life, need to get over that impulse I have to be "oh so smart" and just try and be "oh so pleasant". Because, in the end, what do I get with all my cleverness and witty put-downs? Not much beyond my own satisfaction and that seems less and less worth having. I would rather be liked by other people. That may or may not sound pathetic to you, but I think I'm ok with admitting it. I want to be the kind of person that other people like talking to, not the one that you grit your teeth when she comes in the room because you know that enjoyable conversation just flew out of the window. And ideally, one day I will get to the point where I'm not just 'not saying' stuff, but not thinking it either. Someday I will be at a place in my life where I can simply love people for who they are, and anything else just let go.
*I reserve the right to use my own judgement in the application of this philosophy, and to claim "imperfect" status as a recovering smartness addict.
*edit*
I hate that I can never say what I mean. This post doesn't really express my thoughts clearly, but I don't know how to do so. I'm rereading it and it still kinda sounds snotty. I don't mean it to be snotty. I'm just bad at getting my thoughts out the way I want them. I'll just stick to my dance posts.
Let's see. A few weeks ago I mentioned my annoying professor on here I think? And I think I told you all about how the fella was advising me in the correct way to inform this professor of his idiocy without letting him know that I was doing so. In the end, I did make an oblique reference to him in a paper.
Keeping this incident in mind, let us return to this week. Most everyone knows, by now, about the "girls are ruining scifi" blog. In my opinion, this blog recieved far more attention than it deserved, and I decided to say so. Following several articles promoting women and our contributions to the world of science fiction, I posted my own article. And let me just tell you, I had FUN writing it! It was pure, grade A, holier-than-thou rhetoric. And, just in case you didn't know, I am good at that. When I want to I can turn a phrase, both memorable and wickedly satirical. But here's the thing, I was having fun and getting lost in the act of writing something really sharp. I don't often get to do that. Add to that, I had a valid point. But the problem with this scenario was two-fold. First, my valid point was completely lost in all that self-satisfied mocking. Second, I am not the kind of person who can write really controversial stuff.
The second point is the most important and will lead to an examination of the first. Here's the key. I can't handle saying things that alienate people whose opinions I care about. Some of the comments on this article were not just from faceless screennames, but from girls I actually know and consider to be friends. I was, and I mean this, shattered by their responses. But more than that, I had an actual physical feeling of illness over the reaction this article recieved. A feeling that stayed in the pit of my stomach the entire day and was constantly asserting its presence. As I said, it went up on Monday, which coincided with my first day of PMS depression. So, this certainly factored in to the whole thing. But I have had this sort of experience before, and my reaction is only slightly less, not completely absent.
As for the second point, I think I derive far too much pleasure in pointing out another person's stupidity. In this case, if I'm going to be honest, I was absolutely revelling in it. Sure, most of it was directed at the man who wrote the blog post, but no matter how much I protest, it's obvious that a fair share of it was aimed at my fellow writers as well--and I had no place doing something like that. And then, why do I need to make fun of the blogger either? Especially if I'm trying to make the point that he should be ignored?? This is where I bring up the annoying professor from a couple of weeks ago. What is this need I have of letting people know how stupid they are? It's an obvious answer, though I hate to admit it. I love doing this because I love the fact that it makes me seem smart. Well, to me, at least. To everyone else it makes me seem like a stuck-up jerk. And more importantly, most of the time I'm wrong anyway, either from lack of information or lack of understanding. Which makes me, by far, the bigger idiot in the scenario
What this is really coming to is an admission that I fancy myself to be quite clever, and I am pretty dang proud of that fact. The more I think about it, the more I think that this is true, and the evidence of it shows up in more and more places. Why don't I do my homework? Because I'm smart enough to get by anyway. Why do I tell people this? Because that way they can know how smart I am. Why do I correct small, unimportant mistakes in people's speech? To show how clever I was to pick up on it. Why do I feel such a need to point out people's stupidity to them? Because then they'll see that I'm smart enough to notice it.
In my defence, I don't think I do this conciously most of the time. I think that I simply found intelligence to be the best means of distinguishing myself when I was younger, and it became my most cherished talent. It was the shining jewel in my personality, the one from which came all my praise, respect, and acceptance. I may not be pretty or athletic, but I'm smart! If it is a question of knowing the answers, you want me! But I can't walk around saying "Hey, I'm smart!" to people because that is just tacky. So I developed these stealth means of conveying my intelligence, these subtle indications that I'm more brilliant than you cause look, I just pointed out another bit of proof of that fact. In case you're not sure, this is a BAD strategy!
There are some places, like when talking with Ducky, that these talents might be useful. However. In almost all of life they are not. And I mean that. And, as I have learned so painfully this week, I absolutely would rather get along with people than be smart. This video says it best.
Click to viewI was deeply impressed by this philosophy back when I first saw this movie however many years ago, and I decided that I wanted to make it my philosophy as well. Today I think I want to recommit* myself to that idea. I, in my own personal life, need to get over that impulse I have to be "oh so smart" and just try and be "oh so pleasant". Because, in the end, what do I get with all my cleverness and witty put-downs? Not much beyond my own satisfaction and that seems less and less worth having. I would rather be liked by other people. That may or may not sound pathetic to you, but I think I'm ok with admitting it. I want to be the kind of person that other people like talking to, not the one that you grit your teeth when she comes in the room because you know that enjoyable conversation just flew out of the window. And ideally, one day I will get to the point where I'm not just 'not saying' stuff, but not thinking it either. Someday I will be at a place in my life where I can simply love people for who they are, and anything else just let go.
*I reserve the right to use my own judgement in the application of this philosophy, and to claim "imperfect" status as a recovering smartness addict.
*edit*
I hate that I can never say what I mean. This post doesn't really express my thoughts clearly, but I don't know how to do so. I'm rereading it and it still kinda sounds snotty. I don't mean it to be snotty. I'm just bad at getting my thoughts out the way I want them. I'll just stick to my dance posts.