Once upon a time 03
Previously
Remember when I said that the 'Great Rival' was superior in all ways that matter, but our heroine had something better? A great and adventurous heart?
Well, Maggie as one was enraptured by Cara’s great heart. Princess Court Intriguer was not.
Princess Court Intriguer: “Not this trick again!”
‘Princess Court Intriguer’ was not called so without reason however.
From the Court Intrigue Manual, tip 347: “Everyone is staring at your rival’s breast? Use this opportunity, because nobody is looking at your legs.”
Thus, Princess Court Intriguer tripped a servant, and the poor servant would spill the drinks on Cara’s dress, if it hadn’t been for Cara’s quick Mord’Sith reflexes.
Cara: “Kiddie play. I’ve suffered AND done far, far worse back when I was a Mord’Sith.”
Princess Court Intriguer: “Drat!”
Auntie Zedd: “Girls nowadays are truly ferocious. I’m concerned.”
As Cara regained some of her old confidence, she eloquently explained what she would do to a bad servant. The mention of torture really brings out the best in her.
Maggie: “Wow, girls nowadays are truly ferocious. It must be the same in bed. I think I like it.”
---
When Richard rejoined Maggie and the others, auntie Zedd confided him an important secret.
Auntie Zedd: “To save Kahlan, you have to get the key that’s under Maggie’s sister’s gown.”
Richard: “Oh, the Handkerchief Lady? No problem. I’ll dig into her skirts. I’m totally willing to make that sacrifice for Kahlan.”
Auntie Zedd: “Don’t rush Prince Playboy, the skirts you’re interested in belong to Lady Unpopular.”
Richard: *jaw-drop*
Richard: “Lady Unpopular? Can I pretend I’m a frog instead? I’d prefer to be turned into a frog, really. But I’ll be brave. For Kahlan, for Kahlan.”
Since there are very little things one would not do for love, Richard started flirting with Maggie’s sister, Lady Unpopular.
Lady Unpopular was thrilled, for she had always known that one day, a man who would love her body and soul would finally appear. She had also always known that this man would be from a land far away, because the man at her court had the bad sense to ignore her body and soul altogether. The third thing she knew was this man was Prince Playboy.
Thus, Richard and Lady Unpopular inconspicuously left to seek further adventures together.
Princess Court Intriguer noted the fact for future plotting, but first things first. She had to discredit her rival with the great and adventurous heart.
From the Court Intrigue Manual, tip 2091: “A lady should not rely on her looks alone. Techniques are at least as valuable as looks for a wife. Nimble fingers at handicraft by association mean equally nimble fingers in other occasions.”
Cara’s fancywork did not look too fancy.
Cara: “What? It’s abstract art, the latest trend in fashionable embroidery. Simpletons.”
Everyone else, auntie Zedd included: “Urgh.”
Meanwhile, Princess Court Intriguer’s work reaped admiration from everyone present (except Cara).
Cara: “Give me an agiel and a patch of human skin, and I’ll show you handiwork!”
The latest results of the match between Princess Court Intriguer VS Princess with a great heart (Cara) = 1:0
As usual, auntie Zedd solved the situation by explaining that princess Cara fared far better with arrows and bows than needle and yarn.
Maggie: “A woman who likes hunting is wild, and a woman who is wild at hunting is wild also in bed. I like where this is going. Let’s put this to a test.”
Cara: *Smirk*
Princess Court Intriguer: “It’s not over yet! It’s only 1:1. I can still win. Plus, I have a few plans…”
Meanwhile, in one of the rooms in the castle, someone was happy. Lady Unpopular finally enjoying her hot stuff.
Lady Unpopular: “Rawr! I want some hot stuff, baby, this evening. I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight.”
Someone else in that same room was merely pretending to be happy.
Richard: “Halp?” (“For Kahlan, for Kahlan. I must endure for Kahlan.”)
I say, “Go, girl! Don’t let anyone tell you can’t have a bit of Seeker for yourself. Just be quick, before the Mother Confessor catches you. (You don’t want to deal with the Con Dar, trust me.)”
Gratuitous Richard’s porn!face:
For the record, it seems that ladies with more meat on have more (men) fun in bed (at least if you listen to some evolutionary psychologists).
Richard: “Wait, could we do this in the dungeons? I get turned on by Kahlan, I mean, constraints…”
Lady Unpopular: “Aw, sorry, BB, I don’t have the keys to the dungeons, but I can bind you if you wish.”
Richard: “Um…”
The hot scene is interrupted by Maggie and her guards, all equally distressed by the scene they had witnessed.
The guards seized Richard.
Lady Unpopular: “Not fair!”
Princess Court Intriguer: “Amateurs. Nobody can beat my plots.”
It appeared Richard was about to be executed for his indecent behavior (and that would be the end of Midlands as well), but Lady unpopular proved she had a great heart too. (I hope Richard felt at least bit guilty for deceiving her.) Her wailing about loneliness and sex deprivation touched Maggie’s heart, and her shrieks had a certain impact on his hearing too.
Thus, Maggie was forced to let Richard/Prince Playboy live, under the condition that Prince Playboy would marry Lady Unpopular. Richard and Lady Unpopular were both thrilled with the proposed solution, although probably for entirely different reasons.
Witnessing this display of raw girl power, Cara remembered what made a woman or a Mord’Sith powerful. It didn’t include verses, frills, bowing, or being princessy in any kind of way.
Cara: “Now we play my way!”
Lady Unpopular checked out her future hubby, who preferred to excuse himself and run away quickly. Still, she was unsuspecting that Prince Popular was indeed as any other man she had met so far. Love is blind, as they say.
---
In the forest, during the hunt, Sir Court Crier decided to pursue his heart’s desire once more.
Sir Court Crier: “My lady, I’m sure your nephew has told you of my intense interest in your person. He said you would favorably look at my plea.”
Auntie Zedd: “Oh my! Another fanboy attack! What do I do now?”
Sir Court Crier: “Now, my lady, we kiss?”
Auntie Zedd: “That’s not how I envisioned helping to save the world. I hope Shota isn’t watching, at least.”
Somewhere, in the land of magical water basins, Shota was trying hard not to gigglesnort.
Shota: “I am watching, Zeddicus, rest assured I’m always watching.”
Since in this series romantic moments are usually interrupted by one or another insensible person, Sir Court Crier never received his kiss. Princess Court Intriguer began to scream a poem about fear and monsters.
While Princess Court Intriguer had the perfect form, princess Cara had the perfect substance.
Cara aimed at the monster, imagining she was aiming at Princess Court Intriguer, and shot.
Princess Court Intriguer telepathically sensed Cara’s thoughts and grimaced accordingly.
Maggie was impressed by the wild princess with a great and adventurous heart in front of him.
Cara: “Do you need an aphrodisiac?”
Cara: “Time to cut the chase. What’s it going to be, Maggie? Poetry or sex? Sex or poetry?”
Maggie: “Sex.”
Cara: “Smart choice.”
And that was how Princess Cara defeated her great rival and brought Team Noble Gown one step closer to rescuing Kahlan.
Part 04