Once upon a time 04
Previously
That evening everyone was in a festive mood in Maggie's castle (except Princess Court Intriguer, who still couldn’t handle that her pride had been hurt.) The main quests of the evening appeared - the RRH (Red Riding Hood) sect.
While Maggie and the Red Riding Hood in charge were debating the terms of their agreement, auntie Zedd and Richard were exchanging worried looks.
Maggie: “Do you have the contract for my immortality?”
Nicci: “Do you have the Mother Confessor?”
Richard and Zedd: “Oops.”
---
Meanwhile, Team Dungeon:
Maggie’s wife: “You don’t understand. You’re a Mother confessor, and your hair can become pretty again after one session at the hairdresser’s, but I’m only a common woman. My destiny is to die here.”
Kahlan: “Do you really think the creator would want you to give up on your hair? Do you really think he would punish you for bad hair days? My hair has a great destiny, and so does yours. You have to believe in yourself.”
---
At the banquet, Maggie was starting to realize legal documents were nearly impossible to understand.
Maggie: “I don’t get it. What is this clause? ‘Lord Darken Rahl shall always be well endowed. The type of Lord Darken Rahl’s attire shall have no bearing on it.’ What does this have to do with my immortality?”
Cara knew it was time to act. Kahlan’s life was in her hands now, and so were Maggie’s desires.
Cara: “We should have a taste of eternal pleasure before you sign that.”
Maggie: “Not now, I’m trying to figure out how Darken Rahl fits into my immortal life.”
Cara: “As you wish. It’s now or later. You should know, however, that in my kingdom later equals never.”
Maggie: “If you put it that way. We’ll be shortly away for urgent kinkly kingly matters.”
Those urgent kinkly kingly matters looked promising to Maggie, until Princess Cara put a knife to his throat.
The two began their first marital squabble before they had been even married.
---
At the banquet, things were becoming tense. There was entirely too many Red Riding Hoods in one story for anyone to feel relaxed.
Richard and Zedd played the game ‘use objects from the environment as mimicry’ and ‘if we pretend we’re invisible, they will not see us.’
Nicci, the Red Riding Hood in charge, did not indulge in such games.
Nicci: “Sir Court crier, bring Maggie here now, or we’re leaving.”
Auntie Zedd used all his feminine charms to convince Sir Court Crier not to go yet.
Nicci intuitively sensed that feminine charms had been used against her cause.
Nicci: “Who is that woman, and why are you fangirling her?”
Sir Court Crier: “It’s fanboying, actually.”
Auntie Zedd: “I’m a woman of no consequence, pay no heed to me.”
Fearing the worst would happen, Richard grabbed a knife on the table. It was not precisely the Sword of Truth, but it was still better that nothing.
Red Riding Hood Nicci: “There’s something odd about you. Why is your face covered?”
Auntie Zedd: “So I can see you better.”
Nicci: “You know that makes no sense, right? Why is your chest so flat?”
Auntie Zedd: “So I can fit this dress better.”
Nicci: “Why is your voice so masculine?”
Auntie Zedd: “So I can speak with more authority.”
Nicci: “You’re still failing to make sense. Why are your features so unladylike?”
Auntie Zedd: “So others can love me for my nice personality better.”
Nicci: “Let me see your face.”
The moment of revelation came.
Nicci: “I know you! You’re Zeddicus Zu’l Zorander, wizard of the first order. I’m Nicci. We both had a makeover, but mine went better than yours, I see.”
Sir Court Crier: “That’s impossible! Don’t insult the lady of my heart!”
The scuffle began.
Lady Unpopular saw that Prince Playboy was just like any other man - he had deceived her. The big slap from the bottom of a broken heart was in order. (Sorry, Richard, but you did deserve it for leading on the poor girl.)
In the middle of the rumble, Nicci ordered Sir Court Crier to lead her to the Mother Confessor.
With sadness, Sir Court Crier realized he had been deceived too. Auntie Zedd was not the one for him - no proper lady would throw plates and cutlery around like that.
The general tumult was entirely too much excitement for the ladies, whose main source of amusement had been embroidery.
At least Cara managed to tame her never-to-be husband.
Cara: “Key or little decapitation, which one do you prefer?”
She cut the lacing of Margrave’s clothes with a swift motion of the hand. Margrave felt the blade of the knife passing above his skin, barely touching it. Then Cara’s hand slipped into his tunic and played with the fabric of his pocket. Her fingers fumbled above his naked skin.
“Oh,” thought Margrave. “This was all foreplay!”
Cara extracted the key and smiled. Margrave looked at her in anticipation.
Cara: “Payback time!”
And with an entirely unprincessly punch, she sent him to sleep.
What Maggie dreamt of after that, we don’t know to this day, but we can speculate.
---
At the same time, the girls in Team Dungeon finalized their escape plan.
Maggie’s wife: “Help! The Confessor is dying!”
The guards, one more dull than the other, were easy prey for an angered Mother Confessor and her new best hair!friend.
---
To rescue Kahlan, Princess Cara transformed in Prince Cara and dealt with the guards. Red Riding Hood and Sir Court Crier caught up with her, though.
More fights. More hair and freedom angst. Fights again.
Headshots. Dancing choreography and naked thighs. The drama!
The suspense! Finally, Team Dungeon and Team Noble Gown reunited and became Team Awesome.
Nicci had no chance against such formidable foes, so she jumped through the window.
Nicci: “It’s not over. I still have all Richard’s mojo magic Han (and his Solo) that I stole. I’ll be back!”
With those words, she vanished.
Time for a dramatic family photo:
Maggie’s wife, the Queen, finally decided that her hair was meant to flow freely in the wind, away from her husband.
---
The next day, Maggie woke up with quite a few things to digest. No immortality, no Princess Cara, no Princess Court Intriguer, no old wife.
Sir Curt Crier: “Do not worry, your Highness, you still have me.”
Sometimes you find love in the places you least expect it, it seems. Maggie was much too distressed to realize that yet, however.
---
In the forest, where magic was available, the group finally went back to old quest of saving the world. Richard used the compass to lead them into the direction of the Stone of Tears.
Kahlan bid goodbye to her a new friend and dispensed fashion advice to her old friends. She was, after all, the Mother Confessor, the ultimate arbiter of everything moral and fashionable in Midlands.
Cara: “As long as I don’t have to be a princess again, everything is fine.”
Morals of the story (no subliminal message included, because I’m not subtle enough for subliminal messages):
-Zedd makes a wonderful lady.
-Every woman should decide by herself what to do with her hair. Every woman should love her hair, no matter what others say.
-Zedd makes a wonderful lady.
-Love can be found in the strangest places at the strangest of times.
-Zedd makes a wonderful lady.
-You’re better off as yourself instead of trying to be the princess you’re not.
-Zedd makes a wonderful lady.
-Fighting without magic is just as messy as fighting with magic.
-Zedd makes a wonderful lady.
-The quest to save the world never ends.
-Zedd makes a wonderful lady.
Thus, everything is back to normal in the Midlands.
Almost everything. Um, guys and gals, what about your clothes? And horses? And the Sword of truth? Be sure to find then until the next episode.
THE END