Once upon a time 02
Previously
At Maggie's court, they hadn’t seen Cara's 'before' picture (painting?), and were not as enthusiastic about the big transformation.
Then Richard made his entrance, posing as Prince Playboy.
He thought, “Be composed. Be cool. Be confident. You’re the one true Seeker. You’re Lord Rahl. And all those other titles you’re too nervous to remember. See? The ladies are falling for it.”
Sir Court Crier announced a very special lady - auntie Zedd. Thus an unusual love story began (but more about that later).
Zed, Cara, and Richard: “Here we are, Maggie. You can see by our proud and noble portent that we aren’t impostors.”
Maggie: “Yeah, whatever. There’s another potential wife coming in. Tall auntie with gray hair, step away, please.”
There cannot be a court love story (fake love or not) without a decent rival. There can’t be intrigue without rivals, and there can’t be court without intrigue. It’s the way things work.
The twist in the story requires the classical ‘Great Rival,’ a real noble woman who was superior in all ways that matter, but our heroine had something a honey-tongued princess did not possess - a large bosom great and adventurous heart, or whichever euphemism you want to use to describe a Mord’Sith a killer body and killer skills.
Cara pretended she was confident, although her self-esteem had been suffering ever since she had been targeted as an ‘ugly duckling’ in need of a makeover.
The contest began right away.
Maggie: “Girls, who can curtsey lower?”
Zedd:
“Your Highness, may my crude manners be forgiven,
I can no more curtsey as a maiden, though I am so driven.
I’ll leave these ardent games to the budding youth,
My back too old to bend thus low is, to tell the truth.”
Maggie: “You’re too old to be my wife anyway. Don’t bother.”
*somewhere in the back*
Sir Court Crier: !
Sir Court Crier: :-)
Sir Court Crier: *plots dirty old-men plots that involve extremely tall older (wo)men*
The ‘Great Rival,’ known also as Princess Court Intriguer, recited her little poem perfectly.
Cara: “You’ve been practicing those lines for the whole trip, admit it, you ****! I had only one hour to prepare.”
Cara’s performance was lacking, but before evil rumors could spread around the court, auntie Zedd bravely put them to rest by showing off her/his own brilliant knowledge of metrics.
Somewhere in the background, the Court Crier came to an important decision that involved naughty things (and again extremely tall older women).
---
Meanwhile, in the dungeons, more bad!hair bonding was taking place. The queen still insisted to accept the death sentence in order to meet the pretty boys her family in the afterlife.
At least it was lunchtime.
Kahlan decided it was also origami time, or rather plate-o-gami time. (It should probably be coined as ori-plate, but we’re not that finicky.)
Fold and apply pressure, following the Mother Confessor’s example.
Kahlan: “Never despair! With a bit of imagination, you can make a hair comb out of anything. Team Dungeon for the victory!”
---
In the Team Noble Gown, the preparations were fervent as well.
Richard: “Guys, I don’t know what plate-o-gami is, but if we don’t do better at dancing, we’ll never defeat Team Dungeon!”
The dancing lessons were interrupted by the Court Crier.
Court Crier: “Duchess, I… um.. I noticed you around. I find you very attractive. I am your biggest fan and I… um…”
Auntie Zedd: “Oh! A fanboy attack!”
Court Crier: “Can we meet later?”
Auntie Zedd: “No?”
Cara: “WTH? I can’t believe Zedd got an indecent proposal before I did. Richard, take him around and find out why. The events in this episode are becoming simply unbelievable.”
---
The Court Crier was showing the fake Prince Playboy around the castle, when a lady dropped a handkerchief.
Richard: “Milady? It’s rude to throw garbage on the floor.”
Lady: *giggle*
Richard: “Was this handkerchief for me? Are snots running down my nose?”
Court Crier: “It’s an invitation for… ahem.”
Richard: “Invitation? Oh, yeah, I knew that, of course. Pfft. I did it once with Kahlan, I mean with a magical fragment that looked like Kahlan, so I know how these things work. And there were two other occasions where I almost did it with Kahlan. I mean, there were at least thousands girls called Kahlan I did it with. And who even counted the others?"
Richard fell into deep contemplation. "She’s here, isn’t she? The Mother Confessor. All lonely and without her magic. I could keep her company.”
Court Crier: “I see you truly are an expert on such things, and I need a small advice. Your aunt is an attractive lady, and I don’t know how to approach her. I'm afraid my chances are ruined - she even called me fanboy.”
Richard: “Fanboy? That's a compliment. Fear not, my friend. Here’s the deal: I do the Mother Confessor, and then you can do auntie Zedd. Give me the key of the Mother Confessor’s cell, and I will teach you how to unlace the corset of a respectable older woman.”
The Court Crier looked intrigued, and it was a great pity that he did not possess the key to the dungeons.
Part 03