Once upon a time Part 01
I don't even know. It was late at night and I caved, all right?
Recap of Legend of the Seeker S2ep13 - Princess.
Once upon a time, there was princess. She wasn’t a real princess, but apart from embroidering, she managed quite well pretending to be one for the time needed. But let us not rush. The tale begins in a different way…
Once upon a time, there was a secret order of Red Riding Hoods. They worshiped the Keeper and wanted to destroy all living creatures. In short, they were crazy.
They dabbled in voodoo rituals, human sacrifice, and whatnot. There was even the occasional special appearance of a Mord’Sith.
And a tiny mortal stab later, ta-da, the mini boss (no special loot, sorry), the Red Riding Hood in charge, the mommy of them all, is back. T’Pol Nicci with a new body, because rumor has it blondes have more fun (and the old body had been too dead to revive anyway.)
---
Meanwhile, on the other side of the forest, in a happy family scene, women gathered and chopped wood, while men cooked, as it seemed customary in the Midlans (at least when it comes to heroes and saviors of… everything).
The happy family moments were soon interrupted…
…when someone (or something) kidnapped Kahlan.
The rest of the family was shocked. As they saw Kahlan take flight, it became clear to them Kahlan was in truth Mary Poppins! (Who needs an umbrella if you have magical creatures?)
---
Kahlan was displeased her double identity had been revealed, and she glared at her capturer Margrave. Let’s call him Margaret, as that’s easier to remember. Maggie for short.
While Richard, Cara, and Zedd were galloping atop of their horses to rescue Mary Poppins our dear Mother Confessor, Kahlan had been thrown into the dungeons.
There, she met the former queen - Maggie’s old wife. The queen had been waiting to be executed. What was her crime? Apparently, there was no worse crime for a woman than to become old, wrinkled, and have bad hair.
Maggie’s wife had been waiting patiently, though, because the Creator’s words were that women had to listen to men and be obedient. Plus, in the afterlife, women could in return have as many pretty, experienced, and sexually pleasing boys as they wanted meet their family again. Yes, the queen was a sad case, but it could always have been worse. She could, for example, have been on a suicide attack mission instead of merely waiting for death.
Kahlan could hardly believe her ears.
Kahlan: “Hello? I’m the Mother Confessor, the ultimate moral authority in the Midlands. I decide the standards for hair in these lands! By the way, they’ve messed my hairdo during the flight.”
Maggie’s wife: “Bad hair? You too? We’ll both have to die.”
---
Back to the Red Riding Hood sect (Or should it be Red Riding Veil sect?).
(Random but very important fact:
Nicci had been in the Underwold, better known as the ‘No Undies World,’ where, as the name suggests, all the pretty dead people throng together without undies. )
Nicci showed she was afraid of no big bad wolf. She called Darken Rahl, better known as the man in the green flames, or the only man in the ‘No Undies World’ who actually had been wearing undies.
Nicci: “Oh, Lord of the green flames, I invoke thee!”
Darken Rahl: “Why do you call me, Nicci? I’ve been playing chess with the Keeper… and winning.”
Nicci:” Lies! Nobody can win the Keeper. I have a perfect plan, and I will give the Keeper what he desires. You’ve been failing for the whole first season of this series and almost half of the second one, loser!”
Darken Rahl: “Before you call me loser, may I remind you that the Keeper has granted me the special privilege in the Underworld, the privilege to wear underwear and even clothes from the first Season of the Legend of the Seeker. Where were you during the first season? Pha! I’m the Big Baddy! I have seen you in our Master’s domain, and I didn’t notice your being granted the same favor as me.”
Nicci: “I bet you wear undies only because you have nothing worth showing underneath them! Loser. Now give this to the Keeper to sign. Maggy got the Mother Confessor for us. He wants a guarantee of eternal life for him and his wife in return.”
Darken Rahl: “The Keeper is not interested in half-victories, but I will ask him.”
Darken Rahl thought of a few other points he could persuade the Keeper to add in the contract, some points that would benefit Darken himself.
---
In front of Maggie’s castle, Zedd had one bad and one good news for Richard and Cara.
Zedd: “Inside those walls, no magic works, and Kahlan can’t use her Confessor powers either.”
Richard and Cara, who had both heard, “And Kahlan can have fun times without her Confessor powers,” couldn’t understand how that was bad news.
Zedd: “The good news is that someone here is going to receive a complete visual makeover, as in those reality shows. That someone is going to be Cara.”
Cara: “What? Why? No way! I’m comfortable with my body. I look gorgeous already. Don’t I? Don’t I?”
As the fist seed of doubt had been planted in her, Zedd proceeded with his indispensable instructions on how to impersonate ‘Homo Midlandicus Nobilis.’
First, they would rob the poor noblemen of their clothes and enter the castle. Then, Cara would pretend to court Maggy, and at last, they would save Kahlan. Perfect plan.
Cara: “That’s the princess I have to impersonate? I am at least as pretty as her.”
Zedd: “Cara, did I mention you’ll have to speak in verses? It’s going to be fun, you’ll see.”
Zedd would play the role of the Duchess, and Richard would play the Playboy ‘I bedded at least 1000 girls’ Prince.
Whether the aristocrats would wake up later and sputter puzzled questions in verses, who could tell?
Would the duchess ask this and fall senseless to the ground again? (You'll have to forgive her hypothetical lapses in speech; the duchess wold be very distressed at this point.)
Duchess:
“Am I wakeful, or dormant, or dead now I wonder.
For me and these two to lie naked, whose is the blunder?
They must deceive me, no doubt, my weary old eyes,
A lady of prudence and virtue would not show her thighs.”
Well, the story doesn’t tell if this really happened or not, so the rumors live on.
It does tell Cara was not enthusiastic, however.
Cara: “You’re joking, right? Me? A Princess? It’s one thing entirely to have fake eyelashes and two fake dildos fake weapons agiels, but having a completely fake sugary disgusting personality is way over the top. Why are we doing this again?”
Zedd: “Why? My magic doesn’t work inside the castle walls. If you don’t pretend you’re a princess who wishes to marry Maggy, I’m afraid Kahlan will die.”
Cara: “Kahlan?”
Zedd: “Yes, you don’t want her to die, do you?”
Cara: “… I hate you. Let’s do this.”
Part 02
Recap of Legend of the Seeker S2ep13 - Princess.
Once upon a time, there was princess. She wasn’t a real princess, but apart from embroidering, she managed quite well pretending to be one for the time needed. But let us not rush. The tale begins in a different way…
Once upon a time, there was a secret order of Red Riding Hoods. They worshiped the Keeper and wanted to destroy all living creatures. In short, they were crazy.
They dabbled in voodoo rituals, human sacrifice, and whatnot. There was even the occasional special appearance of a Mord’Sith.
And a tiny mortal stab later, ta-da, the mini boss (no special loot, sorry), the Red Riding Hood in charge, the mommy of them all, is back. T’Pol Nicci with a new body, because rumor has it blondes have more fun (and the old body had been too dead to revive anyway.)
---
Meanwhile, on the other side of the forest, in a happy family scene, women gathered and chopped wood, while men cooked, as it seemed customary in the Midlans (at least when it comes to heroes and saviors of… everything).
The happy family moments were soon interrupted…
…when someone (or something) kidnapped Kahlan.
The rest of the family was shocked. As they saw Kahlan take flight, it became clear to them Kahlan was in truth Mary Poppins! (Who needs an umbrella if you have magical creatures?)
---
Kahlan was displeased her double identity had been revealed, and she glared at her capturer Margrave. Let’s call him Margaret, as that’s easier to remember. Maggie for short.
While Richard, Cara, and Zedd were galloping atop of their horses to rescue Mary Poppins our dear Mother Confessor, Kahlan had been thrown into the dungeons.
There, she met the former queen - Maggie’s old wife. The queen had been waiting to be executed. What was her crime? Apparently, there was no worse crime for a woman than to become old, wrinkled, and have bad hair.
Maggie’s wife had been waiting patiently, though, because the Creator’s words were that women had to listen to men and be obedient. Plus, in the afterlife, women could in return have as many pretty, experienced, and sexually pleasing boys as they wanted meet their family again. Yes, the queen was a sad case, but it could always have been worse. She could, for example, have been on a suicide attack mission instead of merely waiting for death.
Kahlan could hardly believe her ears.
Kahlan: “Hello? I’m the Mother Confessor, the ultimate moral authority in the Midlands. I decide the standards for hair in these lands! By the way, they’ve messed my hairdo during the flight.”
Maggie’s wife: “Bad hair? You too? We’ll both have to die.”
---
Back to the Red Riding Hood sect (Or should it be Red Riding Veil sect?).
(Random but very important fact:
Nicci had been in the Underwold, better known as the ‘No Undies World,’ where, as the name suggests, all the pretty dead people throng together without undies. )
Nicci showed she was afraid of no big bad wolf. She called Darken Rahl, better known as the man in the green flames, or the only man in the ‘No Undies World’ who actually had been wearing undies.
Nicci: “Oh, Lord of the green flames, I invoke thee!”
Darken Rahl: “Why do you call me, Nicci? I’ve been playing chess with the Keeper… and winning.”
Nicci:” Lies! Nobody can win the Keeper. I have a perfect plan, and I will give the Keeper what he desires. You’ve been failing for the whole first season of this series and almost half of the second one, loser!”
Darken Rahl: “Before you call me loser, may I remind you that the Keeper has granted me the special privilege in the Underworld, the privilege to wear underwear and even clothes from the first Season of the Legend of the Seeker. Where were you during the first season? Pha! I’m the Big Baddy! I have seen you in our Master’s domain, and I didn’t notice your being granted the same favor as me.”
Nicci: “I bet you wear undies only because you have nothing worth showing underneath them! Loser. Now give this to the Keeper to sign. Maggy got the Mother Confessor for us. He wants a guarantee of eternal life for him and his wife in return.”
Darken Rahl: “The Keeper is not interested in half-victories, but I will ask him.”
Darken Rahl thought of a few other points he could persuade the Keeper to add in the contract, some points that would benefit Darken himself.
---
In front of Maggie’s castle, Zedd had one bad and one good news for Richard and Cara.
Zedd: “Inside those walls, no magic works, and Kahlan can’t use her Confessor powers either.”
Richard and Cara, who had both heard, “And Kahlan can have fun times without her Confessor powers,” couldn’t understand how that was bad news.
Zedd: “The good news is that someone here is going to receive a complete visual makeover, as in those reality shows. That someone is going to be Cara.”
Cara: “What? Why? No way! I’m comfortable with my body. I look gorgeous already. Don’t I? Don’t I?”
As the fist seed of doubt had been planted in her, Zedd proceeded with his indispensable instructions on how to impersonate ‘Homo Midlandicus Nobilis.’
First, they would rob the poor noblemen of their clothes and enter the castle. Then, Cara would pretend to court Maggy, and at last, they would save Kahlan. Perfect plan.
Cara: “That’s the princess I have to impersonate? I am at least as pretty as her.”
Zedd: “Cara, did I mention you’ll have to speak in verses? It’s going to be fun, you’ll see.”
Zedd would play the role of the Duchess, and Richard would play the Playboy ‘I bedded at least 1000 girls’ Prince.
Whether the aristocrats would wake up later and sputter puzzled questions in verses, who could tell?
Would the duchess ask this and fall senseless to the ground again? (You'll have to forgive her hypothetical lapses in speech; the duchess wold be very distressed at this point.)
Duchess:
“Am I wakeful, or dormant, or dead now I wonder.
For me and these two to lie naked, whose is the blunder?
They must deceive me, no doubt, my weary old eyes,
A lady of prudence and virtue would not show her thighs.”
Well, the story doesn’t tell if this really happened or not, so the rumors live on.
It does tell Cara was not enthusiastic, however.
Cara: “You’re joking, right? Me? A Princess? It’s one thing entirely to have fake eyelashes and two fake dildos fake weapons agiels, but having a completely fake sugary disgusting personality is way over the top. Why are we doing this again?”
Zedd: “Why? My magic doesn’t work inside the castle walls. If you don’t pretend you’re a princess who wishes to marry Maggy, I’m afraid Kahlan will die.”
Cara: “Kahlan?”
Zedd: “Yes, you don’t want her to die, do you?”
Cara: “… I hate you. Let’s do this.”
Part 02