in need of a home
It sucks when you need to put words down but you don't really have a place to put them. I feel really hurt and betrayed more than I've ever felt before and I'm afraid I'm just going to let myself continue to get hurt because I want to be loved. Isn't that stupid? I know...I'm smarter than that, I deserve better, but I can't help it I want to fix this even though I know he's going to keep screwing me over.
Want the whole truth? well I'm not so sure about the whole truth. But here's some of it. I've been seeing this guy his name is adam and he's sweet, not the brightest but I feel special cuz he's always sending me a good morning text and get worried if I don't talk to him and will send like 10 messages if I don't respond right away. Last week I was feeling bad about the whole situation cuz I didn't know why I liked him and if I was in this for the wrong reasons. But Saturday I spend the day at his house and I fell in love with him, I finally let myself go and not worry about him ditching me that this boy was someone I could actually offically call my boyfriend. I have to admit that it was a mixed weekend of being exceedingly happy and woeful cuz I was stuck at home and he was up in beaverton. I even considered seeing him today after i was done with school but he had errands to do and we decided I would just wait until friday.
Then my life changed again...and that's the real reason I find myself writing here again. On his myspace was a message from a girl that made my stomach turn. She called him baby and said she loved him and that she hoped that one day they would get married...i couldn't just ignore it so I called him. And here is where he made a huge mistake...he told me i could go onto his account and delete the message for him..well and also i had wanted him to change his status to in a relationship because I wanted to not be this secret. I asked him if he was really sure about this and he said yeah.
I couldn't help myself I went through his trash...yep I went through the emails he thought he'd deleted and I read about these girls that he'd called babe and sweet heart (endearments that he had called me) dating just back into april a month that we had for the most part been "dating" through. Maybe i could excuse these messages of girls he'd talked with fondly but then there was one that hurt me like none other, He said it never happened but it made me cry...it didn't have to be carrying out the act it was the whole fact that he said he would that hurt.
I've never let myself really love someone where I thought that they actually returned my feelings. I knew that these messages were total ground for me to dump him and me be in the right but I just had that wonderful weekend and I wasn't ready to lose it...i realized that he was important to me and it hurt that I might not be important to him...I've always been replaceable it seems, that's been my downfall with a lot of friendships. Other people have always been so important to me that it hurt to lose them but if i turned my back at them in spite they just walked away because I really wasn't important to them.
I had a few horrible phone conversations with him and despite what i should have done I forgave him and decided that I wanted to keep that feeling of someone loving me. I have to admit it feels really good...I didn't think someone would love me. But I have a terrible curiosity...
Damn fool changed his password...I admit I tried to log into his account again but the information he gave me didnt work...but silly boy...I'm such a sneak and I hacked back in I can't help myself I'm brighter than your average bear....I would tell all about how I did it but heaven forbid that he discovers my secret...i need to know what is being said behind screnes he thinks he can hid behind.
And there when I hacked into his account was a message again...another lie that he told me and that's why i'm here. I know the question is should i leave him...and I know the ask is yes, but I guess the question that i have or more plead is there a reason that i could stay with him and get that feeling of really being loved...the only one he cares about...I know i shouldn't be doomed to be someone that is replaceable or not important but I gave in and let myself love him and i don't want to lose that wonderful feeling of being loved.
Want the whole truth? well I'm not so sure about the whole truth. But here's some of it. I've been seeing this guy his name is adam and he's sweet, not the brightest but I feel special cuz he's always sending me a good morning text and get worried if I don't talk to him and will send like 10 messages if I don't respond right away. Last week I was feeling bad about the whole situation cuz I didn't know why I liked him and if I was in this for the wrong reasons. But Saturday I spend the day at his house and I fell in love with him, I finally let myself go and not worry about him ditching me that this boy was someone I could actually offically call my boyfriend. I have to admit that it was a mixed weekend of being exceedingly happy and woeful cuz I was stuck at home and he was up in beaverton. I even considered seeing him today after i was done with school but he had errands to do and we decided I would just wait until friday.
Then my life changed again...and that's the real reason I find myself writing here again. On his myspace was a message from a girl that made my stomach turn. She called him baby and said she loved him and that she hoped that one day they would get married...i couldn't just ignore it so I called him. And here is where he made a huge mistake...he told me i could go onto his account and delete the message for him..well and also i had wanted him to change his status to in a relationship because I wanted to not be this secret. I asked him if he was really sure about this and he said yeah.
I couldn't help myself I went through his trash...yep I went through the emails he thought he'd deleted and I read about these girls that he'd called babe and sweet heart (endearments that he had called me) dating just back into april a month that we had for the most part been "dating" through. Maybe i could excuse these messages of girls he'd talked with fondly but then there was one that hurt me like none other, He said it never happened but it made me cry...it didn't have to be carrying out the act it was the whole fact that he said he would that hurt.
I've never let myself really love someone where I thought that they actually returned my feelings. I knew that these messages were total ground for me to dump him and me be in the right but I just had that wonderful weekend and I wasn't ready to lose it...i realized that he was important to me and it hurt that I might not be important to him...I've always been replaceable it seems, that's been my downfall with a lot of friendships. Other people have always been so important to me that it hurt to lose them but if i turned my back at them in spite they just walked away because I really wasn't important to them.
I had a few horrible phone conversations with him and despite what i should have done I forgave him and decided that I wanted to keep that feeling of someone loving me. I have to admit it feels really good...I didn't think someone would love me. But I have a terrible curiosity...
Damn fool changed his password...I admit I tried to log into his account again but the information he gave me didnt work...but silly boy...I'm such a sneak and I hacked back in I can't help myself I'm brighter than your average bear....I would tell all about how I did it but heaven forbid that he discovers my secret...i need to know what is being said behind screnes he thinks he can hid behind.
And there when I hacked into his account was a message again...another lie that he told me and that's why i'm here. I know the question is should i leave him...and I know the ask is yes, but I guess the question that i have or more plead is there a reason that i could stay with him and get that feeling of really being loved...the only one he cares about...I know i shouldn't be doomed to be someone that is replaceable or not important but I gave in and let myself love him and i don't want to lose that wonderful feeling of being loved.