April/May/June Entry: The Lost Pregnancy / Cali & St. Louis Trips / Turmoil at Work
Oops! I let three months go by without an update. I wasn't sure about keeping this LiveJournal but it's not been shut off yet and I don't really have a backup plan, so I guess I'll just make this work for now. It's not like much will be lost if I suddenly and unexpectedly lose this account; I have a backup of most of it and if I were to lose any of it that's probably for the best. This account had many purposes over the years and lately it might be about screaming into the void more than anything else.
The first topic is a big one and I'll just come right out with it. After decades of deciding I didn't want children only to have Nicole come along and successfully convince me to try out parenthood with her, we finally decided in late 2021 to conceive. We were successful after only two months of trying and we kept the news from everyone because we wanted to wait until we were into the second trimester (around 13 weeks) to spread the news. It was difficult not telling everyone but neither of us had ever been pregnant before so we just wanted to be cautious. The first trimester was fascinating. Nicole began having terrible nausea and I stepped up to take on a lot of extra responsibilities around the house but it felt good. It felt wonderful to be of service while Nicole was doing something important. It was a strange new road we were on together and the excitement was huge.
When the 12th week arrived in early May, we were days away from our first ultrasound appointment when things abruptly changed. Nicole's nausea completely vanished and she felt suddenly different. In an abundance of concern, we were able to get the ultrasound moved up and we even had some genetic testing done. The news was devastating. Seemingly as quickly as we'd found out we were pregnant, we learned the fetus appeared to have stopped developing beyond the seventh week. It was all over within a matter of days and we were suddenly left with a bizarre new emptiness or void within ourselves. That first weekend was tough. And maybe every weekend will be tough from here on out. Now that we've been touched by miscarriage, it makes everything seem a little more fragile. When the genetics testing results came back, it was even more of a shock. We were pregnant with a boy but he had markers for down syndrome, which might explain the miscarriage. The news was both a blessing in that it gave us closure but also a hardship that we'll carry the rest of our lives.
At the same time, Nicole's maternal grandmother in California died. We had to make haste and rush to California to be with her family and attend a rather lovely memorial. Only a very tiny select few knew of our miscarriage and we were relieved that no one brought it up or made it a shadow over the already sad loss of a relative. It was a difficult couple weeks. Quite possibly one of the hardest periods of time in our lives.
Thankfully, at the end of May Nicole and I had a much-needed vacation to visit her sister in St. Louis. This trip was on the books for more than half a year and it was great to have something good to look forward to after such a bleak month. The trip was also our first time flying again since well before the Coronavirus pandemic began in early 2020. Nicole's sister and her husband live in one of the suburbs in a quiet little neighborhood with no fences. We spent every day of the week-long vacation having an activity. We visited a lot of great restaurants and a few fun tourist spots. I can now say I've seen the Gateway Arch and had my fill of Lewis and Clark documentaries. We even spent a day at the zoo they have there and I got a much-deserved sunburn. It was a wonderful although short seven-day trip. Getting home was a breeze but once we were back the reality of our normal lives settled back in and knowing we didn't have a pregnancy to look forward to (Or anything really) was a strange new hurt.
June has been another difficult month. The transition at my workplace occurred at the beginning of the month but it's been mismanaged a bit. The managers that inherited my team weren't ready to lead and their idea of managing the team is not what we're used to. To say that the whole team is frustrated and worried is an understatement. There's even talk that some might look for other work which would be devastating to those of us who would like to stay. It's just been hard. One glimmer of hope has been that a couple of my teammates have reached out and invited Nicole and me to visit their homes and enjoy their company which is something wonderful that we don't get to share often. Certainly not since before the pandemic. It's a ray of sunshine in an otherwise crazy couple months.
So as we enter July, Nicole and I are grappling with the question of when to begin trying again for a baby. Nicole wants to get started again as soon as possible but I'm worried her body isn't ready yet so I'm dragging my feet a month or two. Both of us seem stressed out and coupled with American politics and the events happening around America and the world, it's a challenging time to say the least. I have no idea what the next month will look like but I know it will be a continuing series of strange new challenges.
The first topic is a big one and I'll just come right out with it. After decades of deciding I didn't want children only to have Nicole come along and successfully convince me to try out parenthood with her, we finally decided in late 2021 to conceive. We were successful after only two months of trying and we kept the news from everyone because we wanted to wait until we were into the second trimester (around 13 weeks) to spread the news. It was difficult not telling everyone but neither of us had ever been pregnant before so we just wanted to be cautious. The first trimester was fascinating. Nicole began having terrible nausea and I stepped up to take on a lot of extra responsibilities around the house but it felt good. It felt wonderful to be of service while Nicole was doing something important. It was a strange new road we were on together and the excitement was huge.
When the 12th week arrived in early May, we were days away from our first ultrasound appointment when things abruptly changed. Nicole's nausea completely vanished and she felt suddenly different. In an abundance of concern, we were able to get the ultrasound moved up and we even had some genetic testing done. The news was devastating. Seemingly as quickly as we'd found out we were pregnant, we learned the fetus appeared to have stopped developing beyond the seventh week. It was all over within a matter of days and we were suddenly left with a bizarre new emptiness or void within ourselves. That first weekend was tough. And maybe every weekend will be tough from here on out. Now that we've been touched by miscarriage, it makes everything seem a little more fragile. When the genetics testing results came back, it was even more of a shock. We were pregnant with a boy but he had markers for down syndrome, which might explain the miscarriage. The news was both a blessing in that it gave us closure but also a hardship that we'll carry the rest of our lives.
At the same time, Nicole's maternal grandmother in California died. We had to make haste and rush to California to be with her family and attend a rather lovely memorial. Only a very tiny select few knew of our miscarriage and we were relieved that no one brought it up or made it a shadow over the already sad loss of a relative. It was a difficult couple weeks. Quite possibly one of the hardest periods of time in our lives.
Thankfully, at the end of May Nicole and I had a much-needed vacation to visit her sister in St. Louis. This trip was on the books for more than half a year and it was great to have something good to look forward to after such a bleak month. The trip was also our first time flying again since well before the Coronavirus pandemic began in early 2020. Nicole's sister and her husband live in one of the suburbs in a quiet little neighborhood with no fences. We spent every day of the week-long vacation having an activity. We visited a lot of great restaurants and a few fun tourist spots. I can now say I've seen the Gateway Arch and had my fill of Lewis and Clark documentaries. We even spent a day at the zoo they have there and I got a much-deserved sunburn. It was a wonderful although short seven-day trip. Getting home was a breeze but once we were back the reality of our normal lives settled back in and knowing we didn't have a pregnancy to look forward to (Or anything really) was a strange new hurt.
June has been another difficult month. The transition at my workplace occurred at the beginning of the month but it's been mismanaged a bit. The managers that inherited my team weren't ready to lead and their idea of managing the team is not what we're used to. To say that the whole team is frustrated and worried is an understatement. There's even talk that some might look for other work which would be devastating to those of us who would like to stay. It's just been hard. One glimmer of hope has been that a couple of my teammates have reached out and invited Nicole and me to visit their homes and enjoy their company which is something wonderful that we don't get to share often. Certainly not since before the pandemic. It's a ray of sunshine in an otherwise crazy couple months.
So as we enter July, Nicole and I are grappling with the question of when to begin trying again for a baby. Nicole wants to get started again as soon as possible but I'm worried her body isn't ready yet so I'm dragging my feet a month or two. Both of us seem stressed out and coupled with American politics and the events happening around America and the world, it's a challenging time to say the least. I have no idea what the next month will look like but I know it will be a continuing series of strange new challenges.