Part I. and it all started with a rubber band
so what am I even supposed to write. I could pour out my guts in here and be left only with the bitter satisfaction of feeling slightly lighter, after the fact. The truth is... I'm lost. as emo and silly as it sounds, I'm utterly lost, and I'm stuck in this weird rut of work and home, work and home, work and home, work and home, work and home. I haven't talked to most of you in weeks and I have to wonder if any of this will even make sense to you, but I'm feeling honest now and that doesn't happen often so here it goes: Faith works much like the tide, back and forth, in and out and I've had my fair share of spiritual lows before but this is too much. I KNOW God exists and I believe that Jesus died to save us and technically that is enough, but what about everything else. There are so many questions that no one wants to answer, either becuase they themselves don't know, or they don't actually want ME to know. In either scenario it is frusterating and frankly I'm feeling a little betrayed. I learned my memory work, I went to bible study, I go to church and I still feel totally in the dark. It is like going through initiation and then... nothing, no one ever fills you in on how anything works.
PART II: My life as a Not-So-Only Child
"This is really weird" Katie thought to her self as she sat cross legged on the floor of her, now completely empty room. All her life Katie had been surrounded by a handful of siblings, and she was one of the few children of such a family, who never wished to be an only child. Yet here she sat, silently taking note of the many wholes in her red walls where bookshelves once hung, housing the beloved library of books that her sister had always pushed her to read. These days those books were in North Carolina, along with Katie's sister. It seemed a cruel punishment for those outstanding books to be subject to a climate of such oppressive humidity, which over the years would slowly warp and swell those lovely pages.
These days Katie lived her life from distraction to distraction. The trick was to keep moving, she had convinced herself. As long as she could keep herself busy, it wouldn't bother her. After all, as she had told her sister many many times before the move, this was for the best.
Part III.
Revelations.
I'm sorry that I, more often than not, come across as insincere and overly enthused. It has recently come to my attention that this has been bothering a couple people. For the record, I meant it, but I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that I didn't care because of my sacharine tone. In working with kids they tell you that the only way to get kids excited is for you to be excited. Kids respond best to large overly dramatic gestures, so I developed the "open mouth "yeah!"" which I'm sure most of you recognize.
Part IV.
the end: for serious this time.
Dear World,
From now on, I'm not going to try to make you happy. I'm going to tell you what I'm thinking, cut the b.s., and let you hate me if you are absolutely set on doing so. I'm going to do what only I can do first. I'm not going to go back on my word. I'm going to join a gym, get in shape, stay in shape. I'm going to travel and write to you on post cards that tell you I wish you were here and really mean it. I'm going to...
Part V.
Seatbelts are no match for God.
In the past week I've made up my mind about a couple of things: First, I love making up my mind. Even if I end up making a decision that I KNOW I will inevitably regret and grow to despise myself for making, I like thinking that I know what I'm aiming for. Second, I want to be a teacher, starting next semester I will put aside this childish, heel dragging approach toward my education/future and just get on with the only career path that has ever really made much sense to me. Third, I DO NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED. Marriage is for impulsive, dependant, hopeless romantics who like to argue. I like to think that I am none of those things. Ergo, matrimonial boycot. This isn't a silly "I'm giving up on boys" play that we used to throw out in high school because we were so bitter about our inability to cultivate a decent relationship with the opposite sex. This is really more motivated by multiple dimensions of emotional fatigue topped off with the lovely cherry that is my life's bombardment of marriage/divorce in rapid succession. I have only myself to blame for these perceptions. I KNOW THAT
Part VI.
can anyone hear me?
If you've stuck with me thus far, thank you and I'm sorry. If not, I'll not be addressing you in this section because you won't be reading it anyway. In conclusion I know there are those out there who are really suffering and to them I tip my hat. I'm fine, and it is sincerely nothing to worry about, I mostly just needed a good rant entry, and honestly, it does feel a bit better to have it off my chest. So there it is.
PART II: My life as a Not-So-Only Child
"This is really weird" Katie thought to her self as she sat cross legged on the floor of her, now completely empty room. All her life Katie had been surrounded by a handful of siblings, and she was one of the few children of such a family, who never wished to be an only child. Yet here she sat, silently taking note of the many wholes in her red walls where bookshelves once hung, housing the beloved library of books that her sister had always pushed her to read. These days those books were in North Carolina, along with Katie's sister. It seemed a cruel punishment for those outstanding books to be subject to a climate of such oppressive humidity, which over the years would slowly warp and swell those lovely pages.
These days Katie lived her life from distraction to distraction. The trick was to keep moving, she had convinced herself. As long as she could keep herself busy, it wouldn't bother her. After all, as she had told her sister many many times before the move, this was for the best.
Part III.
Revelations.
I'm sorry that I, more often than not, come across as insincere and overly enthused. It has recently come to my attention that this has been bothering a couple people. For the record, I meant it, but I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that I didn't care because of my sacharine tone. In working with kids they tell you that the only way to get kids excited is for you to be excited. Kids respond best to large overly dramatic gestures, so I developed the "open mouth "yeah!"" which I'm sure most of you recognize.
Part IV.
the end: for serious this time.
Dear World,
From now on, I'm not going to try to make you happy. I'm going to tell you what I'm thinking, cut the b.s., and let you hate me if you are absolutely set on doing so. I'm going to do what only I can do first. I'm not going to go back on my word. I'm going to join a gym, get in shape, stay in shape. I'm going to travel and write to you on post cards that tell you I wish you were here and really mean it. I'm going to...
Part V.
Seatbelts are no match for God.
In the past week I've made up my mind about a couple of things: First, I love making up my mind. Even if I end up making a decision that I KNOW I will inevitably regret and grow to despise myself for making, I like thinking that I know what I'm aiming for. Second, I want to be a teacher, starting next semester I will put aside this childish, heel dragging approach toward my education/future and just get on with the only career path that has ever really made much sense to me. Third, I DO NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED. Marriage is for impulsive, dependant, hopeless romantics who like to argue. I like to think that I am none of those things. Ergo, matrimonial boycot. This isn't a silly "I'm giving up on boys" play that we used to throw out in high school because we were so bitter about our inability to cultivate a decent relationship with the opposite sex. This is really more motivated by multiple dimensions of emotional fatigue topped off with the lovely cherry that is my life's bombardment of marriage/divorce in rapid succession. I have only myself to blame for these perceptions. I KNOW THAT
Part VI.
can anyone hear me?
If you've stuck with me thus far, thank you and I'm sorry. If not, I'll not be addressing you in this section because you won't be reading it anyway. In conclusion I know there are those out there who are really suffering and to them I tip my hat. I'm fine, and it is sincerely nothing to worry about, I mostly just needed a good rant entry, and honestly, it does feel a bit better to have it off my chest. So there it is.