letting go of all inhibitions.
I walk down the same path before and after class everyday - a path that is separate from the unnatural. It seems as if this one path can lead to all locations on campus, to all possibilities. I feel so in-tune with nature while I walk down this path, one foot after another. I feel connected to the surrounding trees, the leaves on the ground, the running creek below me, the rocks in the dirt, and the blooming flowers. Although I am a scientist, I don’t necessarily think like one. When I look at a tree or a flower, I don’t imagine all the biological and chemical processes occurring at that very moment - all the processes I have ingrained in my mind from my many science courses taken these past four years. Instead, I look beyond the biology, chemistry, and physics. I look beyond photosynthesis, water transport, and light reflection.
As I walk down this path day after day, I can’t help but contemplate about my life or just life in general. When I pass by an older, leafless tree, I start to recollect all my past memories and reflect on them: my numerous mistakes made, my harsh lessons learned, my promises made and promises broken, my attachments and bonds formed as well as those broken, the happiest of times, the saddest of times and those in between, the disappointments. On this particular day, I found an older, leafless tree and took a seat next to it. I took my headphones out of my ears and focused on the sounds of nature surrounding me: the chirping of birds, the water running along the creek, the rustling of the leaves in the wind, the buzzing of insects and tried hard to tune out the sounds of cars, buses, and the chattering of people. There were many older, leafless trees so why did I choose this particular one to sit next to and bond with? It was standing alone yet was still close to a group of other trees. That’s why. The tree represented me. I like to be independent and have my alone times, a trait I think I inherited from my mother. But at the same time, I like to keep people at a safe distance whether they are people I love or people I have never talked to before. So although I like to stand alone at times, I’m not entirely unreachable.
Staring at this older, leafless tree reminded me of all the things I’ve experienced for the past 22 years (well I guess for the past 19 years since I can’t remember my first 3 years of life). I am reminded of my first day in elementary school and the memories accompanied with those years: the innumerable time-outs and pink slips, the naptimes, the life lessons, the sneaking-into-the-boys-bathroom, recess, the good and bad visits to the principal’s office, the school plays, the silliness, the singing and folk dancing, the number of times I was infected with cooties, the innocent interaction with other children. Remembering these times make me yearn for my childhood years again. After I spent a few minutes (but really felt like an hour) recollecting my childhood memories, I quickly thought about my junior high and pre-teen years (yes it’s true, I think chronologically and I know it’s weird how this happens every time I am reminded of the past). Junior high was the beginning of my private school education. And this is the reason why I am at a public university. But don’t get me wrong, I loved my previous education but I feel less confined now and I don’t have to wear a uniform. I think junior high was a huge transition from elementary school, at least for me. Instead of the innumerable time-outs and pink slips, I had a handful of detentions. There were no naptimes, but a “head-down” time after lunch, but the two were synonymous. There were no sneaking-into-the-boys-bathroom but I remember all of us girls getting all giggly when we would catch glimpses of the boys changing before and after P.E. class when the door opened for a few seconds. There were no visits to the principal office (yeah, I was kind of a goody-too-shoes). There was immense silliness: the attacking-each-other-with-chocolate-syrup-at-slumber parties and the purchasing-condoms-and-putting-them-on-public telephones. There weren’t anymore of those “you’ve got cooties” games; rather, there were the seven minutes in heaven and spin-the-bottle games. There were the many crushes, the butterflies-in-the-stomach and the semi-innocent relationships. And there was dancing all right; I remember my hands sweating all over the shirt of the first boy I’ve ever danced with and his with mine. Then there were the tears that flowed out of nowhere the night of my eighth-grade graduation. As I wrapped up my junior high thoughts, I had to take a minute to breathe before I started recollecting the memories of high school. High school was an emotional roller coaster. I went to an all-girls private high school (hence the emotional roller coaster part). Imagine almost 500 girls on their periods at the same time - it wasn’t pretty, but there were some good days. In addition, rumors and drama spread like fire. There were too many memories from high school that I can’t possibly list them all but here were the ones that particularly stuck: the bonding sessions at retreats, the meditations in religion class (again, it was like naptime), the torture of having to ask boys to go to the formal dances, the class competitions during spirit week, being apart of ASB, my emotional junior year having dealt with traumatic and dramatic situations, the stupid and smart decisions made, the many mistakes made. I usually spend more time thinking about my high school years than my other years because it’s those years that I wish I could have changed. I was so oblivious those 4 years.
I had to snap back into the present moment after reminiscing my high school years. I can’t begin to think about my 4 years here at UCSC. Graduation is only 2 weeks away and I have been avoiding and freaking out about it. I am having a hard time facing the reality that another chapter of my life has been completed. Why am I getting so attached and emotional all of a sudden when I so desperately wanted to get the hell out of Santa Cruz at the beginning of the school year? This always happens to me. I have a tendency to embrace things when it’s almost too late. I’m not ready to leave. I feel like I didn't take enough courses, courses that matter I mean. I feel like I wasn't as involved as I was in high school - I didn't join any organizations or volunteered enough. I didn't become "active" until a couple of weeks ago; active as in getting involved in fundraisers, socializing with people I don't normally socialize with (strangers, professors, TAs, peers, authority figures), doing things I don't normally have the guts to do (dancing in front of a couple of hundred people and sharing my deeper self to others) and really embracing college life. I don't want to say I wasted my college years doing what the stereotypical college student does: immense partying, falling in and out of love, and finding oneself because engaging in these so-called "activities" helped me grow as an individual. But I think I've grown and experienced life more within these past 3 weeks than the past 4 years. Better now than never right?
After sitting next to the tree what seemed like a lifetime, I felt a surge of inner peace. I felt like I had shared my past experiences and memories with the tree. I felt a connection, like an understanding. I wasn’t afraid to reveal myself; I wasn’t afraid to share my darkest of secrets. Most importantly, I wasn’t afraid to be judged, a fear I have had for the majority of my life. The tree was there to listen and relieve me of my bottled up thoughts and emotions. It’s like therapy and it didn’t even involve money, illegal drugs, or alcohol.