expression of my love and gratitude.
I was in denial today in my Science and Human Values class. Complete denial. It was the second to last class meeting but I couldn’t get myself to believe it. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t true. I kept thinking that I was still going to be seeing the same people at the same time, at the same place next week and thereafter. During the usual sharing of the selected individuals’ personal papers, I began to notice them. I found myself subconsciously noticing the details of them for the first time. I noticed every inch of their face, the way their hair stuck up or fell, the way their chest rose and fell with every breath, the way their mouth quivered as the words provoked emotions, the way their hands nervously played with the edge of their paper, their eyes as they filled up with tears, their overall beauty. Then I began to look around the circle of my peers, peers whom I’ve grown so much closer to through their words and my words. I looked at each individual and took a mental picture with my mental camera. This collection of photos along with the memories that accompany them will stay with me for the rest of my life. As I admired each individual’s beauty, I felt a flow, a flow of love. How could I forget these gifted, open, trusting, courageous, beautiful individuals? These people have contributed so much to my life, more than they’ll ever know, for the past 10 weeks and I can’t even begin to thank them. My gratitude is never-ending. How I was capable of sharing my deeper self with a class full of strangers was beyond my comprehension. We were all afraid of sharing, afraid of judgment, afraid no one would understand. But the feedback afterwards is what broke down all the fears: the smiles, the pat-on-the-backs, the thank yous, the same tears, the understanding eyes. I was no longer afraid to bare my soul. Finding people like my classmates who truly understand me, who accept me for who I am, who trusts me entirely is becoming a rare occurrence these days. My hands are trembling as I write this entry; my eyes are filling up with tears, my heart races. Towards the end of class today, our professor asked each one of us to say something to the class. The moment I heard that, my mind raced, my heart pounded. I had so much to say that I didn’t even know where to begin. When it was my turn, I thanked each and every one of them for changing me through their writing. I told them how I came into the class afraid of hugs but I’m learning to love them. My mind was racing so fast that I had a hard time getting all the words I wanted to get out. The minute I left class today, my mind was bombarded with so many shoulds - I should have said this, I should have said that, I should have told that person this, etc. Though I’ve gained so much from this experience and have been feeling a lot more whole than before, I feel like I have some unfinished business. I haven’t had the chance to personally know each person in the class - I’ve only had the chance to know about half. I don’t blame the timing, I blame myself. I blame myself for taking the many opportunities for granted and for shying away constantly. I have so many shoulds to get out of my system: I should have walked up to that person, I should have introduced myself to them, I should have told them that I cared, I should have told them that they’re not alone in their personal struggles, I should have given them a hug, I should have told them that I would be there for them whenever they needed someone to turn to, I should have told them that I admire their courage to write the scary and naked truth of their life, I should have told them that they constantly inspire me. With one class meeting left and a class potluck the following week, my opportunity to tell this person(s) all these things listed above isn’t entirely gone. It’s time to learn from my peers and be courageous, to discard this box I have been confined in all my life.
Thank you for your presence, thank you for letting me into your life, thank you for giving me a chance to live through your words, thank you for teaching me how to love and to love in return, thank you for your honesty, thank you for allowing me to trust in you as well as your trust in me, thank you for opening my heart and mind, thank you for teaching me the true effect of hugging, thank you for teaching me how to embrace life and every moment of it, thank you for teaching me how to live with my arms wide open, thank you for letting me be human, thank you for letting me cry with you, thank you for the laughs, thank you for the personal empowerment, and thank you for changing my life. I can’t even begin to think of saying goodbye…