Epihany
I don't know how to write what I'm feeling.
I judged you for your weakness all the while admiring your lack of emotion.
What I was afraid of all along was not getting hurt.
I had hurt myself enough times, held myself in chains and isolated myself.
I thought I hurt myself because I didn't want to be hurt by your first.
What I was afraid of was not losing myself, either.
I hated the power you, you and everyone had over me.
It was easy to 'lose myself' in you and blame you for it.
To be the victim. To be a martyr. To write a tragic story.
I was unable to love myself or anyone else because I couldn't accept their weakness.
I couldn't accept that another's actions would affect me and my life.
That I could not control their actions.
That they could affect my life with their weakness and I would have no power.
With a heavy heart I tried to convince myself over and over that I had done nothing wrong.
That I was the only one who loved selflessly and even in my weakness that I would be loving.
But yet, I judged you for your every wrong move.
Every move that was outside of my expectations.
You have no right to love me if you are not who I expect you to be.
You have no right to know me, me who would never be as cruel as you.
Yes, it's what they have told me, what I hated most to hear: "You think you're so perfect."
I was afraid of finding out who I really was.
I was afraid to discover that I am just as selfish and weak as everyone else.
That my judgements of you were because I was afraid of you.
I was afraid that I was like you. I was afraid that you were better than me.
I was afraid that even you might be a better person than I actually am, if I would only really look.
What I was protecting myself from, afraid of the world and of the people in it,
was myself.
My true self.
I did everything I could to hold it back and make myself numb.
Fake smiles and barely managing to cope with my exhaustion.
I envied you who had no emotion to deny. I wanted to be like you and hated you all the more when you showed me your weakness.
I let you punish me as you would yourself and I punished myself as well.
In doing that, I was once again the victim, once again the poor girl who just wanted to love someone and save them.
But that is not who I really am.
Who I am is much weaker than that.
I am judging, selfish and seek those who I feel superior to while hating those I feel inferior too.
I am, after all, human.
If I love someone, they will see this part of me.
Not just the imperfect me, but the me that isn't selfless or all-loving.
The me that wants, envies, and judges.
In trying to deny these parts of myself, I became them all the more.
"Those who think others look down on them are actually looking down on others."
I have been living trying to avoid everything that comes along with life.
I haven't lived as a person.
The heart knows no good or bad.
It only knows heaviness or the lack of it.
Can I still be a good person?
To love myself is to forgive myself and accept myself as I am.
This is who I am, but it's not all of who I am.
The first step is understanding myself and realizing that I'm just like everyone else.
I'm weak and afraid.
But I can walk forward with just a little less weight.
I will be loved in spite of this weakness if I can love someone in spite of their weakness.
Perhaps having such weakness is the only way to be loved or love at all.
To not be weak would make me inhuman.
Strength exists only in those who know how weak they are and don't resist it.
To come to the place where I can break free may not come for a while,
but I finally understand it now.
And maybe I even like this self better than the person I was trying to be.
I judged you for your weakness all the while admiring your lack of emotion.
What I was afraid of all along was not getting hurt.
I had hurt myself enough times, held myself in chains and isolated myself.
I thought I hurt myself because I didn't want to be hurt by your first.
What I was afraid of was not losing myself, either.
I hated the power you, you and everyone had over me.
It was easy to 'lose myself' in you and blame you for it.
To be the victim. To be a martyr. To write a tragic story.
I was unable to love myself or anyone else because I couldn't accept their weakness.
I couldn't accept that another's actions would affect me and my life.
That I could not control their actions.
That they could affect my life with their weakness and I would have no power.
With a heavy heart I tried to convince myself over and over that I had done nothing wrong.
That I was the only one who loved selflessly and even in my weakness that I would be loving.
But yet, I judged you for your every wrong move.
Every move that was outside of my expectations.
You have no right to love me if you are not who I expect you to be.
You have no right to know me, me who would never be as cruel as you.
Yes, it's what they have told me, what I hated most to hear: "You think you're so perfect."
I was afraid of finding out who I really was.
I was afraid to discover that I am just as selfish and weak as everyone else.
That my judgements of you were because I was afraid of you.
I was afraid that I was like you. I was afraid that you were better than me.
I was afraid that even you might be a better person than I actually am, if I would only really look.
What I was protecting myself from, afraid of the world and of the people in it,
was myself.
My true self.
I did everything I could to hold it back and make myself numb.
Fake smiles and barely managing to cope with my exhaustion.
I envied you who had no emotion to deny. I wanted to be like you and hated you all the more when you showed me your weakness.
I let you punish me as you would yourself and I punished myself as well.
In doing that, I was once again the victim, once again the poor girl who just wanted to love someone and save them.
But that is not who I really am.
Who I am is much weaker than that.
I am judging, selfish and seek those who I feel superior to while hating those I feel inferior too.
I am, after all, human.
If I love someone, they will see this part of me.
Not just the imperfect me, but the me that isn't selfless or all-loving.
The me that wants, envies, and judges.
In trying to deny these parts of myself, I became them all the more.
"Those who think others look down on them are actually looking down on others."
I have been living trying to avoid everything that comes along with life.
I haven't lived as a person.
The heart knows no good or bad.
It only knows heaviness or the lack of it.
Can I still be a good person?
To love myself is to forgive myself and accept myself as I am.
This is who I am, but it's not all of who I am.
The first step is understanding myself and realizing that I'm just like everyone else.
I'm weak and afraid.
But I can walk forward with just a little less weight.
I will be loved in spite of this weakness if I can love someone in spite of their weakness.
Perhaps having such weakness is the only way to be loved or love at all.
To not be weak would make me inhuman.
Strength exists only in those who know how weak they are and don't resist it.
To come to the place where I can break free may not come for a while,
but I finally understand it now.
And maybe I even like this self better than the person I was trying to be.