(no subject)
As the waves continue to crash
into my receding shore
The resilient blue
confines me.
Another hospital stay,
another round of procedures
another line of specialists
"We don't know."
"You're too young for this."
I'm grateful. I have so much.
I am worse off than some
but better off than most.
I know this.
I don't mean to ask "why me?"
because I think this is unfair.
I ask because I truly want to know.
Have I kept myself sick?
Have I made myself sick?
In my desperate plays for control,
do I continue to lead myself
to these situations where I have none at all?
Maybe I connect my sickness to you,
and still have that child's hope that you might
be there, if even for a moment.
But when you aren't, and you usually aren't,
I feel my lack of control all the more.
I feel what's lacking in me as I'm all too aware
of the ways I try to control everything and everyone.
I want you all to be wrong. I want you all to feel guilty.
But I'm not blind to my own hypocrisy, as I "judge you for your actions
and judge myself based on my intentions."
I am the same, and perhaps, even worse.
Who am I being strong for if no one is watching?
What am I being strong for if it doesn't satisfy me to know you're watching?
I believe that there's a purpose in the challenges before me,
that the game of life is all the more beautiful if I try to play the cards I'm dealt
instead of trying to alter what they say.
I've always gotten exactly what I wanted.
I've always had the signs clearly put in front of me,
guiding me where to go.
I should finally let it all go.
I should finally wake up.
I should finally decide to live on the outside
instead of burying these dreams in fantasies
being whisked away into the depths of my mind.
I can't control when this journey ends
I can't control what I'll lose along the way
But I am here, now, with so much
and I'll risk it all,
to set myself free.
into my receding shore
The resilient blue
confines me.
Another hospital stay,
another round of procedures
another line of specialists
"We don't know."
"You're too young for this."
I'm grateful. I have so much.
I am worse off than some
but better off than most.
I know this.
I don't mean to ask "why me?"
because I think this is unfair.
I ask because I truly want to know.
Have I kept myself sick?
Have I made myself sick?
In my desperate plays for control,
do I continue to lead myself
to these situations where I have none at all?
Maybe I connect my sickness to you,
and still have that child's hope that you might
be there, if even for a moment.
But when you aren't, and you usually aren't,
I feel my lack of control all the more.
I feel what's lacking in me as I'm all too aware
of the ways I try to control everything and everyone.
I want you all to be wrong. I want you all to feel guilty.
But I'm not blind to my own hypocrisy, as I "judge you for your actions
and judge myself based on my intentions."
I am the same, and perhaps, even worse.
Who am I being strong for if no one is watching?
What am I being strong for if it doesn't satisfy me to know you're watching?
I believe that there's a purpose in the challenges before me,
that the game of life is all the more beautiful if I try to play the cards I'm dealt
instead of trying to alter what they say.
I've always gotten exactly what I wanted.
I've always had the signs clearly put in front of me,
guiding me where to go.
I should finally let it all go.
I should finally wake up.
I should finally decide to live on the outside
instead of burying these dreams in fantasies
being whisked away into the depths of my mind.
I can't control when this journey ends
I can't control what I'll lose along the way
But I am here, now, with so much
and I'll risk it all,
to set myself free.