Another letter to you
Today was my sister's graduation party
and in the back of my mind,
I couldn't help but feel like you were missing.
Things you were supposed to be there for,
Things I was supposed to be there for,
all these dreams we shared
and roads we paved
even now is still the hardest to grasp.
I want you to know so many things
in the same way that there's nothing left to be said.
Words can't convey the complexity,
nor would any words really be heard by you as they are.
You may think I don't love you,
or that I gave up,
but things are more simple than the conclusions you might draw.
We were young, we were restless,
and we felt life with such intensity.
I want you to know that I do not look upon you
as a painful memory,
nor do I think of you as a broken or spiteful person.
You are and always will be my favorite memory,
and in my heart you are all the things right with the world.
I don't think you know the ways you hurt me,
I don't think you knew back then that we would never recover.
You were young, as was I,
and you were lost in young loves and burning questions
about where to go next.
I do not fault you for who you were.
But I also cannot accept who you are.
I still miss you, and I still think of you every day.
I still wish things were different.
But somewhere along the way, you became someone else
and perhaps it's a fault of my own-
to be unable to accept a person in their weakness.
This is something I try to mend with in myself,
this is where I allow my self to get hurt.
I will always love you,
but I don't think that love is unconditional.
I gave you a letter after your graduation
and the words in that piece of paper
ring truer than any I've ever told you.
I meant it when I said that I had let go,
I meant it when I said that I had nothing more to give,
and I meant it when I said that I loved you
and wanted to see you happy.
And then, that was the end.
Not the end of the hurt, not the end of the days
where I would miss you by my side,
but the end of the rope I had been dangling on,
and the last of the chances I had to give.
Walls have been built,
bridges have been burned,
and there is no fire left to ignite.
There are just bittersweet memories
and lingering regrets.
I was gone when you left me,
and what you came back to was but a ghost of the girl you knew.
The more I loved myself,
the more I could see that you didn't love me.
Somewhere along the way,
you forgot who I was, and neglected to see who I was becoming.
And along that path,
I lost my faith in you,
and you never really changed.
You never kept any promises,
you never saw anyone but yourself,
never saw anyone's pain but your own.
I do not believe that you could love me,
I do not believe that you would fight for me.
Not as I am now,
not as you are now.
You made your choices, over and over again,
to leave my on my own, waiting for your call,
bracing myself for impact.
That was nearly two years of my life you missed,
nearly two that you couldn't pick up the phone.
So I had no choice but to let go.
And I don't want you to be angry with me now because I let go.
I am not trying to do something to you.
I'm not angry anymore.
This is not because I hate you,
or that I see you as less of a person for your mistakes.
It's because you are asking me to build a bridge out of ashes,
while you lay more bricks upon my walls.
I have nothing to give you,
yet you ask me for more.
I was waiting, nearly two years, for you to come around.
I waited, again and again, for you to give me something,
anything.
All I am good for is giving.
That is what you loved me for. That is who you saw.
And when I have nothing left, and you give nothing,
what do I have to give?
But this is not anger, not sadness, not even remorse.
I just want you to understand
that there is nothing we can do.
Those dreams we built together
will stay in those memories.
There is nothing we can do
because I cannot love you as you are.
I love you as you were, I loved myself with you,
I loved us together.
But there is nothing you could do to break these walls anymore.
There is nothing I can do to make you understand.
These words, as honest as they may intend to be,
may never really break the skin.
I want your happiness, just as I did then,
only now, my own happiness means something to me too.
And there is no more room for happiness between us.
Most of all,
I wish you understood just how grateful I am
that you were in my life for the time you were.
That I could care for something that much,
that I could share those moments with you,
is something I feel lucky for each day.
I hope you feel the way I do,
I hope you can let go,
and I hope one day we'll meet again,
even if it be in another life.
One where we can start over and do it all again.
I would do it all again just to see you again,
just to be the person I was with you again.
and in the back of my mind,
I couldn't help but feel like you were missing.
Things you were supposed to be there for,
Things I was supposed to be there for,
all these dreams we shared
and roads we paved
even now is still the hardest to grasp.
I want you to know so many things
in the same way that there's nothing left to be said.
Words can't convey the complexity,
nor would any words really be heard by you as they are.
You may think I don't love you,
or that I gave up,
but things are more simple than the conclusions you might draw.
We were young, we were restless,
and we felt life with such intensity.
I want you to know that I do not look upon you
as a painful memory,
nor do I think of you as a broken or spiteful person.
You are and always will be my favorite memory,
and in my heart you are all the things right with the world.
I don't think you know the ways you hurt me,
I don't think you knew back then that we would never recover.
You were young, as was I,
and you were lost in young loves and burning questions
about where to go next.
I do not fault you for who you were.
But I also cannot accept who you are.
I still miss you, and I still think of you every day.
I still wish things were different.
But somewhere along the way, you became someone else
and perhaps it's a fault of my own-
to be unable to accept a person in their weakness.
This is something I try to mend with in myself,
this is where I allow my self to get hurt.
I will always love you,
but I don't think that love is unconditional.
I gave you a letter after your graduation
and the words in that piece of paper
ring truer than any I've ever told you.
I meant it when I said that I had let go,
I meant it when I said that I had nothing more to give,
and I meant it when I said that I loved you
and wanted to see you happy.
And then, that was the end.
Not the end of the hurt, not the end of the days
where I would miss you by my side,
but the end of the rope I had been dangling on,
and the last of the chances I had to give.
Walls have been built,
bridges have been burned,
and there is no fire left to ignite.
There are just bittersweet memories
and lingering regrets.
I was gone when you left me,
and what you came back to was but a ghost of the girl you knew.
The more I loved myself,
the more I could see that you didn't love me.
Somewhere along the way,
you forgot who I was, and neglected to see who I was becoming.
And along that path,
I lost my faith in you,
and you never really changed.
You never kept any promises,
you never saw anyone but yourself,
never saw anyone's pain but your own.
I do not believe that you could love me,
I do not believe that you would fight for me.
Not as I am now,
not as you are now.
You made your choices, over and over again,
to leave my on my own, waiting for your call,
bracing myself for impact.
That was nearly two years of my life you missed,
nearly two that you couldn't pick up the phone.
So I had no choice but to let go.
And I don't want you to be angry with me now because I let go.
I am not trying to do something to you.
I'm not angry anymore.
This is not because I hate you,
or that I see you as less of a person for your mistakes.
It's because you are asking me to build a bridge out of ashes,
while you lay more bricks upon my walls.
I have nothing to give you,
yet you ask me for more.
I was waiting, nearly two years, for you to come around.
I waited, again and again, for you to give me something,
anything.
All I am good for is giving.
That is what you loved me for. That is who you saw.
And when I have nothing left, and you give nothing,
what do I have to give?
But this is not anger, not sadness, not even remorse.
I just want you to understand
that there is nothing we can do.
Those dreams we built together
will stay in those memories.
There is nothing we can do
because I cannot love you as you are.
I love you as you were, I loved myself with you,
I loved us together.
But there is nothing you could do to break these walls anymore.
There is nothing I can do to make you understand.
These words, as honest as they may intend to be,
may never really break the skin.
I want your happiness, just as I did then,
only now, my own happiness means something to me too.
And there is no more room for happiness between us.
Most of all,
I wish you understood just how grateful I am
that you were in my life for the time you were.
That I could care for something that much,
that I could share those moments with you,
is something I feel lucky for each day.
I hope you feel the way I do,
I hope you can let go,
and I hope one day we'll meet again,
even if it be in another life.
One where we can start over and do it all again.
I would do it all again just to see you again,
just to be the person I was with you again.