(no subject)
I am realizing that this past week I have been in a state of denial. Not denying that my relationship with Hayden is over. I am facing that fully. I know there is no denying that it has happened. But the denial I am experiencing is a different kind. I have been denying myself to feel emotions. I unconsciously have been not letting myself feel anything these past few weeks. (A post just recently about crying and the Forgotten Carols is what has awoken me to that fact, and finally realizing more of what all that meant not only excluded, but being the catalyst for this post.) I still am experiencing that kind of denial still. I am not letting myself feel. Not on a conscious way, but it is happening. This lack of feeling is taking it's toll on me physically. I have had a headache the past couple of days. My sleep schedule is totally screwed. My cousin was blaming me and his friend Dave for all the problems that the Christmas lights are having. So I didn't even go help yesterday or today. I went to church today to teach my lesson then came right home. I have been in bed all day yesterday and today other than that. But not because I am emotionally hurting, but because I am not feeling anything emotionally, and it is hurting me physically. I don't know how to let it out. I don't know what I am doing or not doing to be holding this in. I want to feel. I want to move on. I just don't know how. And not getting a response back from Jamie about Wed night isn't helping me feel any less frustrated.
All of this is SO tempting me to go back to me old ways. But I know that it won't solve anything. It wouldn't help me feel any better, only worse. But dang if it isn't tempting right now just to find that shred of acceptance that I so need right now.
Could that be it? Could that be where I am having the biggest issues is not feeling accepted? I am not blaming me in any shape or form for the breakup. I feel, and am telling myself only slightly, that it wasn't me, but the us that didn't work. Hayden's wants and needs didn't match up with what I had to give. That isn't MY fault, nor is it hers. There doesn't need to be any blame because it wasn't because of something somebody actively did or didn't do. It just was the way we are, and it didn't match up to each others needs. But I think that there still might be that part of me that is feeling rejected and unaccepted. I know that we all have a need to be accepted. Every human does. But for me it is something that I have struggled with most my life. I don't feel accepted. That is why when I do find somebody or group that does accept me I fight for it with all I have. I fought to be with Hayden with every ounce of my being I had. But it wasn't enough to keep the kind of acceptance that I was seeking. As a person and a friend she still accepts me, but not as a companion. That is where I am hurting perhaps, loosing that acceptance that I fought so hard to find. I didn't feel accepted by her friends, more tolerated than accepted. I don't feel accepted by the people in my theater class. I am not making the acceptable grades in my Bio class right now. Outside of family, the only people that I currently feel acceptance from are all out of state causing me to feel alone. Why am I still awake at 3AM with a headache?! Why do I have this headache? Why am I not feeling anything? I had one night of feeling and it felt so good, I wanted to hold on to that. I want to feel again. I feel physical pain right now, and it is because emotionally I am not feeling anything. I want to cry, I want to be angry, I want to be disappointed, I want to feel rejection. I don't want only the negative feelings, I want the good ones too, I want to feel happy, I want to feel loved, I want to feel joy. I just want to FEEL SOMETHING! Something other than what I can best describe as an empty shell.
I would buy a ticket to the Blue Man show that is coming to SLC in Feb, but the rock concert is not what touched me. The feeling of the Blue Man show that touched me when I first saw it at the Luxor is not what the concert is. The Blue Man feeling that I felt then, is gone. The show has changed too much for that original vibe to hit me again. God I have rambled and digressed. Please God, let me feel again. Let me feel so that I can move on. Move up. So that I can just move.
All of this is SO tempting me to go back to me old ways. But I know that it won't solve anything. It wouldn't help me feel any better, only worse. But dang if it isn't tempting right now just to find that shred of acceptance that I so need right now.
Could that be it? Could that be where I am having the biggest issues is not feeling accepted? I am not blaming me in any shape or form for the breakup. I feel, and am telling myself only slightly, that it wasn't me, but the us that didn't work. Hayden's wants and needs didn't match up with what I had to give. That isn't MY fault, nor is it hers. There doesn't need to be any blame because it wasn't because of something somebody actively did or didn't do. It just was the way we are, and it didn't match up to each others needs. But I think that there still might be that part of me that is feeling rejected and unaccepted. I know that we all have a need to be accepted. Every human does. But for me it is something that I have struggled with most my life. I don't feel accepted. That is why when I do find somebody or group that does accept me I fight for it with all I have. I fought to be with Hayden with every ounce of my being I had. But it wasn't enough to keep the kind of acceptance that I was seeking. As a person and a friend she still accepts me, but not as a companion. That is where I am hurting perhaps, loosing that acceptance that I fought so hard to find. I didn't feel accepted by her friends, more tolerated than accepted. I don't feel accepted by the people in my theater class. I am not making the acceptable grades in my Bio class right now. Outside of family, the only people that I currently feel acceptance from are all out of state causing me to feel alone. Why am I still awake at 3AM with a headache?! Why do I have this headache? Why am I not feeling anything? I had one night of feeling and it felt so good, I wanted to hold on to that. I want to feel again. I feel physical pain right now, and it is because emotionally I am not feeling anything. I want to cry, I want to be angry, I want to be disappointed, I want to feel rejection. I don't want only the negative feelings, I want the good ones too, I want to feel happy, I want to feel loved, I want to feel joy. I just want to FEEL SOMETHING! Something other than what I can best describe as an empty shell.
I would buy a ticket to the Blue Man show that is coming to SLC in Feb, but the rock concert is not what touched me. The feeling of the Blue Man show that touched me when I first saw it at the Luxor is not what the concert is. The Blue Man feeling that I felt then, is gone. The show has changed too much for that original vibe to hit me again. God I have rambled and digressed. Please God, let me feel again. Let me feel so that I can move on. Move up. So that I can just move.