Overcoming Judas
So, I filled out my fafsa today, all be it way past the state deadline... but still something to be happy about I suppose. More so that they finally see me as independent; It has never been so easy to fill out before and my EFC is zero to boot. I'm also registered at Salano, however not enrolled since I don't plan on attending a summer term ( or whatever jargon this specific institute uses ). So my current plan is to finish up my AA in no longer than one year, then transfer in to either UC Davis, Berkeley, Cal state Chico, or Sacramento; Actually more or less in that order... No more than two years later it's grad school time ( at present I'm still throwing my eggs in to the law basket ). That plan, thought somewhat vague is my new track. I will stick to it if it kills me. I mean that, I'm not letting myself sabotage anything any longer, I've had enough frankly. I've been in more control these past ( and vary vary short ) three years than ever before. All my life I've wanted this kind of power and I'm not saying my life is completely glamorous, at all even, however it is 100% mine. No decisions I've made in this time, set backs or otherwise, have had anything to do with anything out of my control. Every half chance, every blunder 100% my choice, 100% of my concern, resolve and conviction. I haven't once though " this isn't my fault! " or " what can/should I do?" . It may seem stupid, but looking at your life and being able to see, for better or worse, that everything was by your own design is so... enlightening, or uplifting even. I spent a lot of time just running on hope, now I feel for the first time that I am running on my own resilience, and what I hope to mold in to discipline... reliability.
Michelle, thanks for the phone call the other day. Sometimes though are conversations don't in anyway toutch on anything deep, they somehow clear my head. You have this way of helping me think by clearing out all the nonsense that keeps me going. It's crazy how us talking about nothing can mean so much.
Armando I love you.
Adrian, having you back is like being able to breath again.
Silly girl, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for breaking my seals.
Carlos who knows for how long, but feeling your presence again settles things in ways I can't coherently explain.
Rob I miss you so much, I wish we we're closer when we had the chance... We'll always have alcohol and women of questionable demeanor.
Ani I hope one day you understand life, yourself and the world. I hope just as much that someone can understand you in the same fashion.
Ryan, move the fuck to California, never stay the same, and always remind me that although only in short burst, I love seeing the world through your eyes and respect the way you live in it.
Josh, you've been a greater friend to me than I think you are aware. One day I'll repay the debt that you don't even acknowledge.
Cynthia I love you so much, thanks for never giving up on me, for not pushing to hard, and for being the family I never had.
Mother, I'm sorry that I was such a bastard. You're one of the only regrets I have in life and I know things... I, would be completely different if you were still breathing, but I love the person I am and the man I'm becoming.
I've been blessed with some of the most amazing people in the world, I will cherish you guys long after the sun has burned out and long after all of our bodies return to nothing. I wish everyone could feel the way I do these days, and I find the greatest comfort in knowing that one day you absolutely must. Just breathing is a miracle, and the fact that we live in a world so complex in its simplicity is simply magical. It may be the greatest part of life altogether. To everyone I didn't list by name don't fret, I do care it's just that you've fallen farther out of my family, that's what these people are to me. Typing all that stole a little more from me then I expected so I'm cutting this off but I'll leave you with a bit from howl by Allen Ginsberg.
"angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly
connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night."
Michelle, thanks for the phone call the other day. Sometimes though are conversations don't in anyway toutch on anything deep, they somehow clear my head. You have this way of helping me think by clearing out all the nonsense that keeps me going. It's crazy how us talking about nothing can mean so much.
Armando I love you.
Adrian, having you back is like being able to breath again.
Silly girl, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for breaking my seals.
Carlos who knows for how long, but feeling your presence again settles things in ways I can't coherently explain.
Rob I miss you so much, I wish we we're closer when we had the chance... We'll always have alcohol and women of questionable demeanor.
Ani I hope one day you understand life, yourself and the world. I hope just as much that someone can understand you in the same fashion.
Ryan, move the fuck to California, never stay the same, and always remind me that although only in short burst, I love seeing the world through your eyes and respect the way you live in it.
Josh, you've been a greater friend to me than I think you are aware. One day I'll repay the debt that you don't even acknowledge.
Cynthia I love you so much, thanks for never giving up on me, for not pushing to hard, and for being the family I never had.
Mother, I'm sorry that I was such a bastard. You're one of the only regrets I have in life and I know things... I, would be completely different if you were still breathing, but I love the person I am and the man I'm becoming.
I've been blessed with some of the most amazing people in the world, I will cherish you guys long after the sun has burned out and long after all of our bodies return to nothing. I wish everyone could feel the way I do these days, and I find the greatest comfort in knowing that one day you absolutely must. Just breathing is a miracle, and the fact that we live in a world so complex in its simplicity is simply magical. It may be the greatest part of life altogether. To everyone I didn't list by name don't fret, I do care it's just that you've fallen farther out of my family, that's what these people are to me. Typing all that stole a little more from me then I expected so I'm cutting this off but I'll leave you with a bit from howl by Allen Ginsberg.
"angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly
connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night."