Going home
I'm going home to vegas.
I talked to my husband this morning about it. He wasn't to thrilled about the news. He was worried that I would not come back or that i would run into people i used to know. That is in no way a possibility. Well, running into an old "friend" is inevitable at one point or another. But i will not be searching for them. I don't want to spend time with them. i am in the habit of ducking putting on the nicole richie style sunglasses i own and running. Yes, this is the method that was devised in the 8th grade between natalie and I. It has been tested an approved. This method is a success. I understand his concerns are real. And the level of stress about relationships overseas is high. I understand and sympathize with that. But that is not us. That is not how we do. We love. We're trust. We have faith in us. and that is real. I guess it's safe to asume that he feels as though i am abandoning him and our house in a way. I am bitching out on our house. I hate the damn thing. But i will be back before he is. I want tomake sure that the house is clean and put together. There is just a ton of things i want to be absolutely perfect before his erturn. So i will be back. I tried to reassure him. I think it worked. the only way i knew how to put it was this:
"i knew them, i don't want to know them anymore. a hi and bye is harmless. i love our life, and i kinda like you a lot too.....think i might want to keep that.?" His reply: " yeah i kinda like you a lot too" so that was us makin good on the deal. i'm sure he has his worries. But i can understand that. I can't change how he feels. I can only try my hardest to help him through it. that's all. It's not a big deal at all. I see where he is coming from. and he now sees where i am coming from. So, i feel better about it. However, I feel like a loser. when he said well i hoped you wouldn't be so bored and depressed that you would leave. I thought you were going to go to school and work. man, that hit me where it hurts the most. my pride. I've learned over the years to deal with my heart. so it hurt my pride. kinda like a reality check. i am a leech off my husband. That's not at all the woman i aspired to be. Not the kind of person i ever respected or admired. So i gotta change that. But as it is the middle of the fall semester i am powerless to do anything about school at the moment. Work. well, i went out there and i tried to get a job. No one would hire me. I have a great work background. So i don't understand it. Guess, i wasn't trying hard enough. I didn't have my heart in it. and i need heart to go after something i truly want. Otherwise i end up empty handed. anyways. i'm going home. it's going to be a long visit. i'm not leaving. i'm goingto visit. just longer than most people do. haha. i miss my family. i'm excited to see them. and my nephew called me on the phone and told me he was missing me. too cute. So i'm really excited to see him. I have only a few friends that i still keep in touch with. and those are my true friends. natalie, brittany, and mike. i never wanted to move back to vegas. Tony remembered that so it threw him for a loop when i said i was going home for a while. it makes sense that it would. but im not moving. for the record. it's just a long visit. with a long drive. i have to go get shit in order. so i shall return yet another day with another tale from the book of my life.
caio