Sorry not this time.
o0o0o0ooooo0o0o, i am upset. about the same shit i just posted about.
I am pretty pissed that I'm not already gone. right now i should be at least to utah. But no, where am i? Still stuck on fuckin fort carson! why? Tony. okay so i did say i would not go home. I said it in hopes that my staying here would take stress off him. But what does he say to me the day after that whole converstaion...
me"so do you feel any better since i'm not going home?"
him-"No, i told you it wasn't going to make me feel any better"
Then what the fuck was the point in my staying here. Oh just to oblige to him. NO FUCK THAT BULLSHIT!! He does not own me. I don't belong to him. If i belong to anyone(which i dont) it would probably be my parents. So i'm irritated. He was complaining about utilities like cable internet and the washer and dryer. cause we pay monthly on those. So he's going on and on about how it was really dumb that i wasn't going to have them come get the washer and dryer. to save $90 in the course of 3 months. to pay a 75$ fee to get them back ehn i get home plus the $30 for the initial month. then all the cable shit...eh. No. i can have the utilities temporarily suspended i found out. But still that makes no difference.
He's upset cause i was going to go home without consulting him about it. I know he's my husband, but as long as i tell him im going...i dont need to ask him. yeah i could have talked to him about it. when, when he calls randomly. if he was going to call before i left.. i didn't know. whatever. So he's freakin out about all the shit everyone over there says. Like how realtionships don't work out. they dont last. He told me in the midst of his flipping out, "you dont know the horrible shit i hear over here" okay . valid point. i dont. but i have a damn good idea. So, dont judge me cause of everyone else. He told me and this really really got my panties in a bunch but i didn't retort..."if i jusdged us based on them i would have left you already" what the fuck does that mean? i dont' even want to know right now. i have enough on my plate to be pissed about. he was just being really selfish. talking about i never tell you what to do and you made me break that. PFFFF! whatever man. Now is not the time to try and start tellin me what to do.
A: you are going to fail miserably
B: I do what i want so save your breath
C: you can say whatever you want about it honey, go ahead. tip. I'm don't really care. im gonna do what i want.
D: you don't own me. i'll do as i please
E: I chose to be with you. We have a good system of making life work for us. dont fuck it up now.
F: you are changing wether you know it or not. i hear it when you speak, and it terrifies me.
G: i love YOU. Don't go chagning into one of them. Be who YOU are. and this, this is NOT you.
He told me that if i wanted to live with my parents i should have gone when he left. maybe i should have. but then we wouldn't have a house here. I REFUSE to leech off my parents. I will not live in there house absolutely free like that. although i can. i wont that's ridiculous. im a grown woman. with a husband and a dog. there's no fuckin way im livin with my parents like that for that long. i wouldn't be happy. But im not happy here anymore. He said finally at the end of our conversation...man, i feel like an asshole, just go you're pretty much gone anyway. Okay another thing i dont care to know exactly what he meant. im sure it's nothing. i just dont care. he said that only cause by that time i was so frustrated he wouldn't listen to a thing i said with any understanding. and i was crying from being so upset with him and the situartion. so he says that to clear his conscience. Nope. not accepting pitty thank you.
I talked to his mother last night. she wants me to come down there. i would love to. just like i would love to see my family. so next time i talk to Tony i will see how he feels about it. Seeing how he would obviously like for me to discuss my travel plans with him before making any decisions. which annoys me. that's a leash to me. i hate it. So, if he says oh yeah it's fine. sounds great go. I AM GOING TO FLIP THE FUCK OUT!! cause that shit would just be wrong.
You have to understand that i completely understand the amount of stress he is under and the stories he hears are horrible i know. i hear them too. but seriously. He is pushin it. He is changing. Yep he is. I expected a change in him. nothing big though. He's too strong and too beautiful a person to let this break him down. I love him more than my life. and that is a truth. But i do NOT like who he is turning into. or at least the way he is acting lately. Thinking he can raise his voice at me, and tell me what to do. And how he made me sound like i was some sort of idiot or something...yaddayadda. No, that is not okay. i do not talk to him like that. He never used to talk down to me. He never used to care about money like that. i dont' care about money, but im not stupid about it. I'm so frustrated.
He wasacting like i was leaving him. then once he got it in his own head that i wasn't he turned from okay honey and sweet and concerned if i was happy and not depressed to total asshole. Not like the normal type asshole you would think of from the name...but like controlling, belittleing, narcissistic, self concerned asshole. none of which are qualities i admire. and yet i was the one to give in and say honey im sorry i stressed you out. when in all actuality he wasn't stressed about me. it didn't phase him in the least when i said i would stay here in this hell that i dispise with a passion. i would scrifice my sanity for his. any day. but he wanted to be so selfish and he doesn't understand me anymore. whatever he wants i give him. i always listen (not just hear) what he says and i understand where he's coming from. i give it to him when his points are valid. his feelings always valid. but lately, he just isn't getting me. and he either has no idea how to appologize...which the few times he tried, he's horrible at it. i dont mind that he's bad at appologizing. i hate that he never does when he's an ass and is wrong. it's called compromise. and he's not doing that with me anymore. it's like he doesn't get me anymore. i appologize when i irritate his feelings, and when im wrong. but i am stubborn and i wont back down if i KNOW im right. but i did the other day. his level of stress and his situation ...it's not fair to him if i were to be my normal self and fight it. he doesn't need the stress of that added on top of what he's already got going on. i know that. so i gave in . but i am fuckin pissed. why can't he see. my heart is crying to go see my family. how can act like this. and then a day later be all sweet......cause he wanted something from me.
what am i supposed to tell my nephew for why i'm breaking the promise i made to see him. or what am i going to tell my parents today for why im not coming. i don't lie. i can't. i dont want to. so what am i going to say. my parents are understanding to a degree. and tony acting like a dick is not a valid reason for me not to come out there to see them. the way their voices sounded, so happy, so excited and now...i'm just saying no im not coming and i dont want to tell you why. what the fuck do i say?? my brother needs me. i know he does. he misses me. i would like to spend time with my sister. i miss her. i want to be like normal sisters who see eachother on more than just holidays. im close with my family. i hate this. im going to go. i am . but shit, i dont want my husband to feel like im abandoning him either. he is my family too. i am torn. i just dont know what to do. i hate it here. im not depressed. im not so bored that i want to leave. although i am bored as shit with this life. i just feel like i'm making sacrifices too. not just tony. although his are great. i think mine are pretty great too. my feelings count. what do i do, what do i tell my family? i'm crackin up. i'll make it. but im not happy. i dont give up though. i never do. nothing in life is ever bad enough to give up for. nothing. i will fight to make anything work. im just confused. scared. angry. understanding...all that. eh. i don't know if i even make sense right now. i'm sure none of this sounded so bad. just try and think if it were you. and you were in my position all the way around.
I am pretty pissed that I'm not already gone. right now i should be at least to utah. But no, where am i? Still stuck on fuckin fort carson! why? Tony. okay so i did say i would not go home. I said it in hopes that my staying here would take stress off him. But what does he say to me the day after that whole converstaion...
me"so do you feel any better since i'm not going home?"
him-"No, i told you it wasn't going to make me feel any better"
Then what the fuck was the point in my staying here. Oh just to oblige to him. NO FUCK THAT BULLSHIT!! He does not own me. I don't belong to him. If i belong to anyone(which i dont) it would probably be my parents. So i'm irritated. He was complaining about utilities like cable internet and the washer and dryer. cause we pay monthly on those. So he's going on and on about how it was really dumb that i wasn't going to have them come get the washer and dryer. to save $90 in the course of 3 months. to pay a 75$ fee to get them back ehn i get home plus the $30 for the initial month. then all the cable shit...eh. No. i can have the utilities temporarily suspended i found out. But still that makes no difference.
He's upset cause i was going to go home without consulting him about it. I know he's my husband, but as long as i tell him im going...i dont need to ask him. yeah i could have talked to him about it. when, when he calls randomly. if he was going to call before i left.. i didn't know. whatever. So he's freakin out about all the shit everyone over there says. Like how realtionships don't work out. they dont last. He told me in the midst of his flipping out, "you dont know the horrible shit i hear over here" okay . valid point. i dont. but i have a damn good idea. So, dont judge me cause of everyone else. He told me and this really really got my panties in a bunch but i didn't retort..."if i jusdged us based on them i would have left you already" what the fuck does that mean? i dont' even want to know right now. i have enough on my plate to be pissed about. he was just being really selfish. talking about i never tell you what to do and you made me break that. PFFFF! whatever man. Now is not the time to try and start tellin me what to do.
A: you are going to fail miserably
B: I do what i want so save your breath
C: you can say whatever you want about it honey, go ahead. tip. I'm don't really care. im gonna do what i want.
D: you don't own me. i'll do as i please
E: I chose to be with you. We have a good system of making life work for us. dont fuck it up now.
F: you are changing wether you know it or not. i hear it when you speak, and it terrifies me.
G: i love YOU. Don't go chagning into one of them. Be who YOU are. and this, this is NOT you.
He told me that if i wanted to live with my parents i should have gone when he left. maybe i should have. but then we wouldn't have a house here. I REFUSE to leech off my parents. I will not live in there house absolutely free like that. although i can. i wont that's ridiculous. im a grown woman. with a husband and a dog. there's no fuckin way im livin with my parents like that for that long. i wouldn't be happy. But im not happy here anymore. He said finally at the end of our conversation...man, i feel like an asshole, just go you're pretty much gone anyway. Okay another thing i dont care to know exactly what he meant. im sure it's nothing. i just dont care. he said that only cause by that time i was so frustrated he wouldn't listen to a thing i said with any understanding. and i was crying from being so upset with him and the situartion. so he says that to clear his conscience. Nope. not accepting pitty thank you.
I talked to his mother last night. she wants me to come down there. i would love to. just like i would love to see my family. so next time i talk to Tony i will see how he feels about it. Seeing how he would obviously like for me to discuss my travel plans with him before making any decisions. which annoys me. that's a leash to me. i hate it. So, if he says oh yeah it's fine. sounds great go. I AM GOING TO FLIP THE FUCK OUT!! cause that shit would just be wrong.
You have to understand that i completely understand the amount of stress he is under and the stories he hears are horrible i know. i hear them too. but seriously. He is pushin it. He is changing. Yep he is. I expected a change in him. nothing big though. He's too strong and too beautiful a person to let this break him down. I love him more than my life. and that is a truth. But i do NOT like who he is turning into. or at least the way he is acting lately. Thinking he can raise his voice at me, and tell me what to do. And how he made me sound like i was some sort of idiot or something...yaddayadda. No, that is not okay. i do not talk to him like that. He never used to talk down to me. He never used to care about money like that. i dont' care about money, but im not stupid about it. I'm so frustrated.
He wasacting like i was leaving him. then once he got it in his own head that i wasn't he turned from okay honey and sweet and concerned if i was happy and not depressed to total asshole. Not like the normal type asshole you would think of from the name...but like controlling, belittleing, narcissistic, self concerned asshole. none of which are qualities i admire. and yet i was the one to give in and say honey im sorry i stressed you out. when in all actuality he wasn't stressed about me. it didn't phase him in the least when i said i would stay here in this hell that i dispise with a passion. i would scrifice my sanity for his. any day. but he wanted to be so selfish and he doesn't understand me anymore. whatever he wants i give him. i always listen (not just hear) what he says and i understand where he's coming from. i give it to him when his points are valid. his feelings always valid. but lately, he just isn't getting me. and he either has no idea how to appologize...which the few times he tried, he's horrible at it. i dont mind that he's bad at appologizing. i hate that he never does when he's an ass and is wrong. it's called compromise. and he's not doing that with me anymore. it's like he doesn't get me anymore. i appologize when i irritate his feelings, and when im wrong. but i am stubborn and i wont back down if i KNOW im right. but i did the other day. his level of stress and his situation ...it's not fair to him if i were to be my normal self and fight it. he doesn't need the stress of that added on top of what he's already got going on. i know that. so i gave in . but i am fuckin pissed. why can't he see. my heart is crying to go see my family. how can act like this. and then a day later be all sweet......cause he wanted something from me.
what am i supposed to tell my nephew for why i'm breaking the promise i made to see him. or what am i going to tell my parents today for why im not coming. i don't lie. i can't. i dont want to. so what am i going to say. my parents are understanding to a degree. and tony acting like a dick is not a valid reason for me not to come out there to see them. the way their voices sounded, so happy, so excited and now...i'm just saying no im not coming and i dont want to tell you why. what the fuck do i say?? my brother needs me. i know he does. he misses me. i would like to spend time with my sister. i miss her. i want to be like normal sisters who see eachother on more than just holidays. im close with my family. i hate this. im going to go. i am . but shit, i dont want my husband to feel like im abandoning him either. he is my family too. i am torn. i just dont know what to do. i hate it here. im not depressed. im not so bored that i want to leave. although i am bored as shit with this life. i just feel like i'm making sacrifices too. not just tony. although his are great. i think mine are pretty great too. my feelings count. what do i do, what do i tell my family? i'm crackin up. i'll make it. but im not happy. i dont give up though. i never do. nothing in life is ever bad enough to give up for. nothing. i will fight to make anything work. im just confused. scared. angry. understanding...all that. eh. i don't know if i even make sense right now. i'm sure none of this sounded so bad. just try and think if it were you. and you were in my position all the way around.