A couple of weeks ago I bought some new boots for work because I have a job that can’t be done in Birkenstocks.  I trained for a Birkenstock job, I went to school for a Birkenstock job and I’m still paying off the student loans almost 20 years later now.  With a Birkenstock job?  No, with a boot job, and notice I distinctly said “Boot” with a T on ( Read more... )

It's getting harder and harder to maintain my reputation as a jerkwad shithead asshole.  I mean, I've done so much to cultivate the image.  Why must all my effort be sabotaged?

I'll admit it doesn't help when I get all goo-goo over kitties and cop to getting weepy watching anime.  That deflates the douchebag facade a bit.  But this week I assisted ( Read more... )

This is completely pathetic:


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Another tale of Walmart, where humanity struts its schtuff.

Yesterday in the Walmart bathroom someone left religious tracts on the top of all the urinals.  Why?  Because taking out your johnson and going with the flow puts a man in a spiritual mind set.  "Here's some thoughts about Jesus while you pee."  Granted, I'd rather someone leave me reading ( Read more... )

Rural deliveries are scary.  Last night, my last delivery of the day, was way out in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere.  It was literally 10 minutes off the main highway, then another 20 minutes on a county road, then four miles down a dirt road and take a left.  Why do people live way out in oblivion like that?  Is it so there's no one to hear the ( Read more... )

I shit you not.

Last week a new pick-up was added to my route, so I'm the "new guy" for these people.  When I went to pick up the packages on Monday this week, a part-timer was at the counter with a couple of customers.  I had to make a couple trips back and forth to get all the packages, walking around her each time.  Once I'd loaded up, I walked ( Read more... )

Martha Stewart learns to pole dance.

Click to view

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I was behind the curve on this story, but I'd heard today that Palin not only made an appearance on the Tonight Show, but that she did a stand-up set.  Would this have happened under Conan?  I think not.

Speaking as someone who's high school dream was to do a set on the Tonight Show, I can't help but think of all those tenacious road comics who have ( Read more... )

I have to confess something.  I have a very mild form of dyslexia.  Not anything drastic enough to count as a legitimate disability, mind you, so I have no excuse for spelling mistakes.  But I am just dyslexic enough to think the vending machines are judging me.

On my way out of the grocery store, I shove three quarters into the spankin' new Dr. ( Read more... )

Hi.

It's been almost two months since I wrote anything, and what does it take to get me keyboard-tapping again?  Another incident at the ol' mall bathroom, of course.  I swear, you'd think it was my timeshare cottage for all I write about it.  I do accomplish more with my day than simply piss at the mall, I promise.  This time, though, I didn't even ( Read more... )