fathers day
Have you ever felt - what I call- time space? It's not like deja vu, which generally has the feeling of your repeating something from the past ("like [it's] happened before). I personally think anytime you have a deja vu it's because you a repeating something from a past life. It is like a confirmation of who you are, who you were, and how- since you've always been like this- you can change the outcome.
Time space is when you sitting/doing something, and yet a part of you feels like you are not all there because you are simultaneously listening/feeling like you are actively somewhere else. I'm not talking about day dreaming, either. Day dreaming is where you're fantasizing something is happening. I'm talking about SIMULTANEOUSLY hearing, smelling, feelings, tasting a different dimension. What is a different dimension? Like a new planet? No, I am talking about something that is happening, in the same place, at the same time, but in a different SPACE.
Let me just tell you what happened:
Jake and I went to Kerby Lane (the original!) the day before father's day. Jake dropped me off to get a seat while he parked the car. I ended up outside (in the shade), since I asked for first available, pretty quickly. I figured since it was just the two of us, it wasn't that big of a deal that it was a pretty pedestrian heavy area, but I knew Jake would have preferred air conditioning on the inside, but I was hungry and didn't want to wait 35 minutes.
As he sat down, he said so, but we ordered pretty quickly. As we sat waiting for our food, I had the thought "This is so nice,it's like our little version of father's day- happy father's day!" And as soon as the thought began in my mind I suddenly felt an out of body experience where I saw/heard what was happening right then and there, but also like a branch off of a path that I could have taken that was running parallel the whole time, but at the moment in time, intersected.
It was not like a "oh it could have been like this" day dream moment. You know how when you have deja vu you have this feeling of almost being prepelled backward in space, then launched forward into that moment to where your senses are hightened and tingling to where you can almost feel high for a second? This felt like my body was split. I was in it, but I wasn't in it. I was breathing (actively pushing naval in and out), but it felt like I was very fluid as if I was breathing underwater (like it was possible). I heard my voice say the thought I had, making it resonate abnormally loudly in my mind. And then I heard my daughter squeal, at a level that sounded as if she was across the restaurant. I saw her in a tall blonde wooden restaurant standard highchair, right next to me, the orange flowers swaying in the breeze right behind her. She continued to babble and gurgle as if in celebration, dressed in pink, playing with a spoon. In this other dimension we then all smiled.
Suddenly I felt slammed back into my own body and felt the tightness of my throat and the tears that were at the rim of my eyes. I did not feel that actual tightening happen- when I came back in it was already there. I did not feel the tears well up- when I came back in there were already there. My ears were RINGING with a high pitched buzzing noise. I quickly turned away from Jake so he couldn't see my face, and looked at where the highchair would have been. The flowers were still swaying in the breeze right behind that spot. And there were no children around to have made a squeal. There was just a big excitedly barking dog at the next table. There was spoon on a napkin on the table like a place setting just for her, but she wasn't there.
It was at this point that I really exaggerated my naval moving up and down, trying to focus on breathing through both nostrils, bringing breath in and out, wondering if I had been holding my breath at all. I realized I hadn't because my naval had been moving previously, but now it was just very deliberate. I swallowed and suddenly just wanted to leave, but couldn't. Our meal came. It tasted good, but the knot in my stomach made me not want to eat it. I watched as a family with little kids where seated in the tented section of the outside, with a waiter and a highchair- that looked exactly like the one I saw next to me- follow behind them. I forced myself to eat the whole plate of food, and didn't hear one thing Jake said the entire time.
Was I going crazy? Did that really just happen? Was it guilt that was playing with my mind?
It took me all day, but I later realized, I don't feel guilty. I know that I didn't have that child because I wouldn't have been able to raise it like they would have deserved, and I drank that tea that made them not whole, so it wasn't fair to them to give them a 50 yards set back at the start of life. But that was one choice that changed the course of the direction of my life in THIS time space. In another dimension, I did keep it, and life went in a different direction. We were all at Kerby Lane that day, and we were meant to be there because no matter what our choices are that lead which way and where, sometimes there are landmarks, or checkpoints, that you are meant to cross no matter how you get there. I saw past the illusion of Maya, for one very quick second. I started to feel was it was like to BE and be omniscient. My physical body at this point can't handle that though, so I was brought back and had ringing in my ears, the upset stomach.
I'm glad I ate the omelette. If I ever get pregnant again, she will be back. I think she may even bring a brother too (twins).
Time space is when you sitting/doing something, and yet a part of you feels like you are not all there because you are simultaneously listening/feeling like you are actively somewhere else. I'm not talking about day dreaming, either. Day dreaming is where you're fantasizing something is happening. I'm talking about SIMULTANEOUSLY hearing, smelling, feelings, tasting a different dimension. What is a different dimension? Like a new planet? No, I am talking about something that is happening, in the same place, at the same time, but in a different SPACE.
Let me just tell you what happened:
Jake and I went to Kerby Lane (the original!) the day before father's day. Jake dropped me off to get a seat while he parked the car. I ended up outside (in the shade), since I asked for first available, pretty quickly. I figured since it was just the two of us, it wasn't that big of a deal that it was a pretty pedestrian heavy area, but I knew Jake would have preferred air conditioning on the inside, but I was hungry and didn't want to wait 35 minutes.
As he sat down, he said so, but we ordered pretty quickly. As we sat waiting for our food, I had the thought "This is so nice,it's like our little version of father's day- happy father's day!" And as soon as the thought began in my mind I suddenly felt an out of body experience where I saw/heard what was happening right then and there, but also like a branch off of a path that I could have taken that was running parallel the whole time, but at the moment in time, intersected.
It was not like a "oh it could have been like this" day dream moment. You know how when you have deja vu you have this feeling of almost being prepelled backward in space, then launched forward into that moment to where your senses are hightened and tingling to where you can almost feel high for a second? This felt like my body was split. I was in it, but I wasn't in it. I was breathing (actively pushing naval in and out), but it felt like I was very fluid as if I was breathing underwater (like it was possible). I heard my voice say the thought I had, making it resonate abnormally loudly in my mind. And then I heard my daughter squeal, at a level that sounded as if she was across the restaurant. I saw her in a tall blonde wooden restaurant standard highchair, right next to me, the orange flowers swaying in the breeze right behind her. She continued to babble and gurgle as if in celebration, dressed in pink, playing with a spoon. In this other dimension we then all smiled.
Suddenly I felt slammed back into my own body and felt the tightness of my throat and the tears that were at the rim of my eyes. I did not feel that actual tightening happen- when I came back in it was already there. I did not feel the tears well up- when I came back in there were already there. My ears were RINGING with a high pitched buzzing noise. I quickly turned away from Jake so he couldn't see my face, and looked at where the highchair would have been. The flowers were still swaying in the breeze right behind that spot. And there were no children around to have made a squeal. There was just a big excitedly barking dog at the next table. There was spoon on a napkin on the table like a place setting just for her, but she wasn't there.
It was at this point that I really exaggerated my naval moving up and down, trying to focus on breathing through both nostrils, bringing breath in and out, wondering if I had been holding my breath at all. I realized I hadn't because my naval had been moving previously, but now it was just very deliberate. I swallowed and suddenly just wanted to leave, but couldn't. Our meal came. It tasted good, but the knot in my stomach made me not want to eat it. I watched as a family with little kids where seated in the tented section of the outside, with a waiter and a highchair- that looked exactly like the one I saw next to me- follow behind them. I forced myself to eat the whole plate of food, and didn't hear one thing Jake said the entire time.
Was I going crazy? Did that really just happen? Was it guilt that was playing with my mind?
It took me all day, but I later realized, I don't feel guilty. I know that I didn't have that child because I wouldn't have been able to raise it like they would have deserved, and I drank that tea that made them not whole, so it wasn't fair to them to give them a 50 yards set back at the start of life. But that was one choice that changed the course of the direction of my life in THIS time space. In another dimension, I did keep it, and life went in a different direction. We were all at Kerby Lane that day, and we were meant to be there because no matter what our choices are that lead which way and where, sometimes there are landmarks, or checkpoints, that you are meant to cross no matter how you get there. I saw past the illusion of Maya, for one very quick second. I started to feel was it was like to BE and be omniscient. My physical body at this point can't handle that though, so I was brought back and had ringing in my ears, the upset stomach.
I'm glad I ate the omelette. If I ever get pregnant again, she will be back. I think she may even bring a brother too (twins).