你还要我怎样
A quick record of the nightmare I had last night. Had immediately whipped out my phone the moment my eyes flung open and typed this furiously until I was done. I wrote this at 0619, so pardon the typos and haphazard writing.
I was on a huge space ship with a million people.
During a battle, a Jap guy and I are kinda wearing a backpack of sorts that magnetized to a Death Star-like capsule. We managed to detach ourselves from the Death Star and ended up holding one of those inflatable bubbles you blew from a little sticky gel. From the narrative, I knew that it was an explosive inside and that Jap guy and I had to get it safely out before it completely deflated.
We wandered through back alleys and the intestines of the space ship, saw a man kill his girlfriend (made her jump off a high platform and knock her head, sadistically say while carrying her limp body, "just one more time and you know how j feel" while she's crying out in pain, asking him why he was doing what he was") and finally found myself in a little cabin with an extended window ledge that looked down into a garden of sorts. I had to bypass an old well-kept lady inside. She looked nothing like Mama Chang but I knew was my mom and she was going on a date. I was happy for her.
The bubble that I had held on to vanished. I suddenly was flanked by Yoke, my bestie who was represented by the body of Yalan, and many other random people whose presence wasn't physically felt. They weren't ghosts or apparitions. I could just feel them. She sat next to me as we pressed our palms on the glass window. We peered down. 8 floors down, two maintenance men, each in a blue and grey uniform signalled frantically to me downstairs. "You!" They signed. "Ok?" "Wait!"
Suddenly my tiny cabin swirled with a flurry of conversations from friends who were married. Everyone jibing each other with anecdotes from their own married lives. Then it occurred to me that someone was proposing to me and I freaked out. I shook Yalan/Yoke. "WHO IS IT?! WHO IS IT" I pleaded in tears. She gave me with a knowing but cryptic smile. The conversations of others crescendoed in the background as I started to panic. In my heart, I already knew it wasn't him proposing to me and I wailed tearfully "What about JJ?!?? What am I going to do about him?!?!? What about him..."
I cried till I choked, which forced myself awake.
It's been half an hour since I woke. My heart still aches.
***
It takes no genius to see that this is a manifestation of the struggles I've had over the past few weeks, post the meltdown on the 16th, post his decision to stop seeing the other girl, post his desire to work things out again. I did not expect this. I did not expect this from him, especially not after the meltdown, especially not after I had moved on.
I'm still piecing together my thoughts, which hopefully will bring the clarity and peace that I'm seeking.
I was on a huge space ship with a million people.
During a battle, a Jap guy and I are kinda wearing a backpack of sorts that magnetized to a Death Star-like capsule. We managed to detach ourselves from the Death Star and ended up holding one of those inflatable bubbles you blew from a little sticky gel. From the narrative, I knew that it was an explosive inside and that Jap guy and I had to get it safely out before it completely deflated.
We wandered through back alleys and the intestines of the space ship, saw a man kill his girlfriend (made her jump off a high platform and knock her head, sadistically say while carrying her limp body, "just one more time and you know how j feel" while she's crying out in pain, asking him why he was doing what he was") and finally found myself in a little cabin with an extended window ledge that looked down into a garden of sorts. I had to bypass an old well-kept lady inside. She looked nothing like Mama Chang but I knew was my mom and she was going on a date. I was happy for her.
The bubble that I had held on to vanished. I suddenly was flanked by Yoke, my bestie who was represented by the body of Yalan, and many other random people whose presence wasn't physically felt. They weren't ghosts or apparitions. I could just feel them. She sat next to me as we pressed our palms on the glass window. We peered down. 8 floors down, two maintenance men, each in a blue and grey uniform signalled frantically to me downstairs. "You!" They signed. "Ok?" "Wait!"
Suddenly my tiny cabin swirled with a flurry of conversations from friends who were married. Everyone jibing each other with anecdotes from their own married lives. Then it occurred to me that someone was proposing to me and I freaked out. I shook Yalan/Yoke. "WHO IS IT?! WHO IS IT" I pleaded in tears. She gave me with a knowing but cryptic smile. The conversations of others crescendoed in the background as I started to panic. In my heart, I already knew it wasn't him proposing to me and I wailed tearfully "What about JJ?!?? What am I going to do about him?!?!? What about him..."
I cried till I choked, which forced myself awake.
It's been half an hour since I woke. My heart still aches.
***
It takes no genius to see that this is a manifestation of the struggles I've had over the past few weeks, post the meltdown on the 16th, post his decision to stop seeing the other girl, post his desire to work things out again. I did not expect this. I did not expect this from him, especially not after the meltdown, especially not after I had moved on.
I'm still piecing together my thoughts, which hopefully will bring the clarity and peace that I'm seeking.