Life and junk.
I haven't updated in a while and I'm thinking that maybe I should. I need an outlet to dump my thoughts so they aren't floating around in my head... even though they seem to find their way back there again.
I'm not really sure where to start. In some ways, my depression has lifted. I hesitate to even call it a depression because it's not as though I can't feel happiness -- I do. I get excited about things, look forward to upcoming events, etc. But even as I write this, I feel a pressing emotion on me. Though, part of it is just because it's nighttime. I always feel worse at night, for some reason. Probably something about the absence of light.
I find my fears and worries increasing as time wanes on. I thought I had overcome most of them, but it's obvious I haven't. I didn't really ever give too much thought to the future prior to Christmas break, but with this being my last semester, it's all I can think about. What's after this? Who knows. Relationships have been on my mind a lot, as well. I have never been in a good one and sometimes I feel like there's no one out there that gets me. Not to imply I'm some sort of random engima, more along the lines of "I'm weird and who would like me if they knew the whole entire me" sort of thing. I sometimes shun others for their weird thoughts even though I have the same floating around in my head. It's hard enough finding people in this area that are into video games, RPing, and my entire internet existance... not many people get that. Hell, I still feel embarrassed when I log onto Gaia in public places. I'm not embarrassed that I play on it... I dunno. I don't know what it is. I feel like for most people having OCs and roleplaying is a passing phase, but it doesn't feel like that for me.
Anywho, back on track. My latest kick/worry has been my health. For a while it was my teeth, but I've always had good teeth so that didn't stay for long. Now that I take better and fuller care of them, I'm not so concerned. Now it's my health. My parents have always been telling me I need to lose weight, espcially for my height. And it's not that I don't agree -- I do -- but they always throw in other shit that I don't understand. Like how I shouldn't be staying up past 10 or 11 (really?), waking up at 10am is far too late and barely even acceptable on the weekends, I need to work out 5 days a week to stay fit or else my heart will overwork itself and I'll live a shorter life... shit like that. Normally I could shrug all that off, but in my current state, it's not so easy. And it's not as though I haven't made changes. I've stopped drinking as many sodas (used to drink one a day, now I drink one or two a week max), I drink tons more water than I used to, I take a multivitamin, and I've started eating healthier. I realize I am still overweight, but now I'm afraid I'm going to fall over and die just because I'm fat and my heart is being overworked. Which honestly, there's not much to support this if I think about it logically. Of all the things I've ever gone to the ER for, my heart was never one of them. It was back pain brought on by stress, kidney stone from never drinking water, getting my tonsils removed, finding out about my thyroid, etc.
I guess I feel like my health is dampened because I have an anxiety problem that makes me nervous and therefore makes me feel ill. I'm doing my best to overcome it, but it's not so easy. If I really think about it though... I haven't been to the ER in years. The few times I did go, it wasn't for serious things. The only reason I see the doctor every 6 months is because they have to test my thyroid. Aside from that, it's never been anything more serious. If that's all true though, why am I so worried about my health?
I'm not really sure where to start. In some ways, my depression has lifted. I hesitate to even call it a depression because it's not as though I can't feel happiness -- I do. I get excited about things, look forward to upcoming events, etc. But even as I write this, I feel a pressing emotion on me. Though, part of it is just because it's nighttime. I always feel worse at night, for some reason. Probably something about the absence of light.
I find my fears and worries increasing as time wanes on. I thought I had overcome most of them, but it's obvious I haven't. I didn't really ever give too much thought to the future prior to Christmas break, but with this being my last semester, it's all I can think about. What's after this? Who knows. Relationships have been on my mind a lot, as well. I have never been in a good one and sometimes I feel like there's no one out there that gets me. Not to imply I'm some sort of random engima, more along the lines of "I'm weird and who would like me if they knew the whole entire me" sort of thing. I sometimes shun others for their weird thoughts even though I have the same floating around in my head. It's hard enough finding people in this area that are into video games, RPing, and my entire internet existance... not many people get that. Hell, I still feel embarrassed when I log onto Gaia in public places. I'm not embarrassed that I play on it... I dunno. I don't know what it is. I feel like for most people having OCs and roleplaying is a passing phase, but it doesn't feel like that for me.
Anywho, back on track. My latest kick/worry has been my health. For a while it was my teeth, but I've always had good teeth so that didn't stay for long. Now that I take better and fuller care of them, I'm not so concerned. Now it's my health. My parents have always been telling me I need to lose weight, espcially for my height. And it's not that I don't agree -- I do -- but they always throw in other shit that I don't understand. Like how I shouldn't be staying up past 10 or 11 (really?), waking up at 10am is far too late and barely even acceptable on the weekends, I need to work out 5 days a week to stay fit or else my heart will overwork itself and I'll live a shorter life... shit like that. Normally I could shrug all that off, but in my current state, it's not so easy. And it's not as though I haven't made changes. I've stopped drinking as many sodas (used to drink one a day, now I drink one or two a week max), I drink tons more water than I used to, I take a multivitamin, and I've started eating healthier. I realize I am still overweight, but now I'm afraid I'm going to fall over and die just because I'm fat and my heart is being overworked. Which honestly, there's not much to support this if I think about it logically. Of all the things I've ever gone to the ER for, my heart was never one of them. It was back pain brought on by stress, kidney stone from never drinking water, getting my tonsils removed, finding out about my thyroid, etc.
I guess I feel like my health is dampened because I have an anxiety problem that makes me nervous and therefore makes me feel ill. I'm doing my best to overcome it, but it's not so easy. If I really think about it though... I haven't been to the ER in years. The few times I did go, it wasn't for serious things. The only reason I see the doctor every 6 months is because they have to test my thyroid. Aside from that, it's never been anything more serious. If that's all true though, why am I so worried about my health?