(no subject)
I don't like to cry. I can feel it coming on sometimes, and I'll do whatever I can to avoid it. But it always 'wins'. The stupidest things might set it off. And once it's out of my system, I'm usually fine for a while. But I just abhor the whole act of it. The runny nose and eventual headache, the sobbing, because once I start, I can't stop. Sometimes I try to put it into my character, because through her it turns to anger. But then that's me trying to force a personality on something that, after two years, now has a personality of it's own. So I have to deal with my own life, my own hurt, and my own tears. It's a release of sorts, but not something that brings comfort, not anymore. I wonder why that's changed?
Why does everything always have to come down to money? Especially lately. Between medicine, doctors, and gas, not to mention food on occasion, I'm getting myself into a hole. I have to have $300 by the 5th. I have no idea how I'll get it. Actually, unless there's some sort of miracle lurking about, I won't get it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have to have the meds, I have to pay bills. I don't have to eat, so I conserve as much as I can there. Otherwise, I'm just at a loss right now. So I probably won't have a phone after the 5th, and apparently, no internet either, unless I can come up with something. If anyone has any ideas, lay them on me. This time I'm down to the wire, and my medicine is the most important. The rest, I'll just have to live without.
Today they decided that it has to be more then the cancer that is ravaging my body. I've been trying to tell them that for a while, but doctors never listen. I've lost fine motor skills in my hands. Meaning, I can't button my shirts, can't hold a pencil, can't carry a glass that is too full. My hands shake like an 80 year old woman's would....in a hurricane. It's taking me longer to type this then usual, because I'm hitting two keys at once. They think this has to do somehow with the blackouts. I figured that one out on my own too. Now they just have to figure out what it is now, and what to do. It comes and it goes. I have muscle spasms in my right hand, not yet in the left. The fingers are numb, and they won't always close and open when I want them to. I wondered about arthritis, but they said no. More serious. If it involves another medication, then I just don't know what I'll do. I can't afford the ones I take now. It's a scary feeling to not be able to control your own body. To, at age 36, not be able to dress yourself, not be able to sign your name, not be able to pour a glass of milk without half of it ending up anywhere but the cup. Even scarier to know you're dependent on others kindness to make sure you can get the pills you need to survive. I'm so sick of it. The money, the pain, everything. I've made my peace with death a long time ago. I just wish it would make it's peace with me.
Why does everything always have to come down to money? Especially lately. Between medicine, doctors, and gas, not to mention food on occasion, I'm getting myself into a hole. I have to have $300 by the 5th. I have no idea how I'll get it. Actually, unless there's some sort of miracle lurking about, I won't get it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have to have the meds, I have to pay bills. I don't have to eat, so I conserve as much as I can there. Otherwise, I'm just at a loss right now. So I probably won't have a phone after the 5th, and apparently, no internet either, unless I can come up with something. If anyone has any ideas, lay them on me. This time I'm down to the wire, and my medicine is the most important. The rest, I'll just have to live without.
Today they decided that it has to be more then the cancer that is ravaging my body. I've been trying to tell them that for a while, but doctors never listen. I've lost fine motor skills in my hands. Meaning, I can't button my shirts, can't hold a pencil, can't carry a glass that is too full. My hands shake like an 80 year old woman's would....in a hurricane. It's taking me longer to type this then usual, because I'm hitting two keys at once. They think this has to do somehow with the blackouts. I figured that one out on my own too. Now they just have to figure out what it is now, and what to do. It comes and it goes. I have muscle spasms in my right hand, not yet in the left. The fingers are numb, and they won't always close and open when I want them to. I wondered about arthritis, but they said no. More serious. If it involves another medication, then I just don't know what I'll do. I can't afford the ones I take now. It's a scary feeling to not be able to control your own body. To, at age 36, not be able to dress yourself, not be able to sign your name, not be able to pour a glass of milk without half of it ending up anywhere but the cup. Even scarier to know you're dependent on others kindness to make sure you can get the pills you need to survive. I'm so sick of it. The money, the pain, everything. I've made my peace with death a long time ago. I just wish it would make it's peace with me.