(no subject)
It's getting harder. Harder to work, harder to breathe, harder to do anything. I pulled an 8 hour shift yesterday and it was all I could do to drive home and get into bed. I slept for 14 hours straight, and was still exhausted. Nothing helps. The pain is too intense, too constant. It used to ebb. Now it hurts all the time, the only thing that changes is the intensity. From painful to excruciating. I am always tired. I get short of breath, everything starts to ache, throb, with no provocation. My legs were swollen today, my feet aching like I had just run a 20 mile marathon. This is getting ridiculous. And I swear, the doctors are just not getting it. It's a huge collection of problems, there has to be a diagnosis somewhere. Or a couple, even. There's obviously more going on then just the cancer. Unless it's cancer absolutely everywhere, and I'd like to think that they would notice that at least. It's insane. It takes at least 15 minutes to just get out of bed. And I'm not exaggerating. I can barely walk. Right after I wake up it's Hell. And it doesn't get much better. My right hand keeps going numb, can't use my fingers most of the time. I feel absolutely primitive, I can't do fine motor when it happens, so I just end up using my hand as a club. My thumb works, and that's it. Sometimes I get the feeling back, then my wrist will ache and bang, my hand is useless again. No warning, no reason I can see for it happening. I've been told it could be as simple as a pinched nerve, or as complicated as a brain tumor. Though I'm going to doubt it's the latter. Mainly because I just can't wrap my mind around it. I don't fear death. I think it's more that it just seems too unbelievable. The idea of it just makes me think of Arnold Schwaciwhatever in Kindergarten Cop. "Is not a tumor!!" I just wish that whatever it is, they'd figure it out. Kill me or cure me. Whatever is easiest. Or, as far as the doctors are concerned, cheapest. They could do a handful of tests and already know the answer, but since I have no insurance, I think they're just waiting for the autopsy to tell them what was wrong. Bitter? Ha. You think? I just want it to be over. Now.
HA! Spell check doesn't even offer a suggestion for Schwaciwhatever. And people think this guy should be our next president? Poor kids would never graduate because they could never spell the president's name. Hell, we're lucky if they can spell Bush.
HA! Spell check doesn't even offer a suggestion for Schwaciwhatever. And people think this guy should be our next president? Poor kids would never graduate because they could never spell the president's name. Hell, we're lucky if they can spell Bush.