Slow Times..
Well, not much updating going on in my life. I guess its just because I don't do too much anymore.. Work is fine, this past week was slow as my boss and Allison were at a conference in CO. So I was kind of catching up on some mouse stuff that I had been slacking on and taking care of some data analysis that had fallen by the way-side. This week should be much busier. We have a big experiment on Monday, and then I have a meeting with my boss on Tuesday and.. yes.. I think some other stuff planned throughout the week that I'm forgetting. So yea, work is progressing. Everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to get a raise as I'm approaching my 1 year anniversary of working for CHOP.. but I wish they would all lay off because I have no idea if/when that will ever happen. Matts parents keep saying I need to ask for a raise if I want a raise.. and I believe them. But I just wish there was any avenue that would make that possible besides me just scheduling a meeting with my boss to demand more money EG: some sort of evaluation where I could bring it up. I dunno. I feel so awkward. And I know that if you don't ask for it you'll never get it blah blah blah, but also, shouldn't there be some willingness on the other side to bring it up too? I don't really know how these things work.
The apartment is doing fine, I've made up a whole list of spring cleaning chores for me and Matt to do, but I know I'll end up doing most of them. It doesn't even really feel like spring, actually. Its pretty cold outside.. so I've kind of slowed up on the actual completion of my list of spring cleaning things. But this apartment is a veritable mess. I also need to buy a proper vacuum. Matt has this tiny little shark vacuum but it really can't keep up with this whole place. It was good for college, but now we need a real-deal vacuum. I just got some spring flowers on sale at a craft store and made a pretty nice garland for the top of the kitchen cabinets and it looks really nice. I also was inspired to sign up for a subscription to Martha Stewart Living magazine. I'm looking for some inspiration on how to make this place look more.. adult, homey, less college-y.. Of course I don't really have the budget to do that properly, but if I did I would be spending thousands of dollars on nice new matching furniture to make the rooms look more I dunno.. less like a garage sale? *sigh* Though the frugal side of me is like why bother.. this stuff was free. But I'm getting too old for garage sale, in my opinion.
Jasper is doing great. Just spend like 30 bucks on him at Petsmart so he SHOULD be great haha. He now has a new collection of treats to burn through, which shouldn't be too hard. Today we are taking him to a dog vaccination clinic thingy held by the vet school in a park nearby so he can meet some other dogs, have some fun etc (he doesn't actually need any of the shots or anything).
This weekend we spent a lot of time at Matt's parents house for his dad's birthday. So that was fine. I know its just me being.. me.. but most of the time I just feel like I don't belong in that family and I don't know how to respond to anything that anyone says. I feel like I'll say the wrong thing, or say something not acceptable to them somehow.. I feel like I always say the wrong thing around his mom and that she doesn't like me very much; I don't think we have much in common. But she annoys me sometimes with stuff that I guess I'm being overly sensitive about. For instance, she's very pushy when it comes to my dog. Now I'm still pretty sensitive to the fact that its my first dog and I'm enjoying being the primary care-giver to him. I love that he loves me and wants to be near me and comes to me for comfort before anyone else.. I suppose I see the draw to motherhood. That obvious show of something else needing you, depending on you for something is nice. Anyway though, when we are around her and have our dog, she kind of takes over, calls herself his "second mommy" and at feeding time she grabs his food dish before I can and feeds him etc etc. I know I'm being childish, but I like to do things for my dog, and I feel kind of like she thinks I'm not doing it right when she takes over. I know she's just trying to help, and that she does it simply by default, and I'm not like totally pissed or anything, its just one more thing that makes me feel inadequate around her. Also though, I still can't get over the fact that its hard for me to converse with Matt's parents because I operate on this system where in order for me to remember stories to tell, or remember things that happened to me that I want to share, you have to prompt me. Asking me a simple question will do it, like, how's work going, or whats going on with you lately, or whatever. But they rarely ask these questions, which doesn't facilitate much real discussion about what I'm doing or even who I am. Which makes me feel like they don't care who I am, and don't want to hear what I'm doing, and don't want to hear my stories or something. So I just stay quiet, not really talking much, and not having much to say.. and it makes it awkward. If they showed any interest in me, really, I would step up with some bitchin' stories. Or something like this will happen: "So Erin, how was your trip to Washington DC?" "Well, it was great, the first thing we did was go to the Lincoln Memorial.." "HEY MATT remember that time we were with so and so obscure family member and we did this that remotely involves Washington DC that I just remembered?!" and then its over. And we never get back to what I was going to say, and I never bring it up again because the conversation has already progressed to something else. Usually I find talking to other people is a skill of mine, but for some reason my talent in this area is waning...
Last night we watched a video of Matt's Anna's bridal shower. It was a really sweet video.. it makes me miss the women in my family when I see a group of women from a family having fun together.. In the video, they showed Anna answering questions that they had asked Brian and saw if she answered the questions how he answered them etc etc.. you know, the kind of cutesy stuff I want to do at my shower. One of the questions was when did Brian know that he wanted to marry Anna. Brian's answer was the fall of 2009, which was right after they had gotten back from not seeing each other all summer after they met. This made me kind of sad, because I'm still not even sure Matt wants to really marry me, and here his little brother was certain after only knowing Anna for a month or so in the same state. I had this vision of Brian buying the ring for Anna and him telling the jeweler a story like that one, that he's known for so long that she was the one and he couldn't wait. I imagine Matt in the same situation saying something to the effect of "well, all her friends got married and she kept crying about it so I finally decided to shut her up". And I know I've brought that on myself and I've already ruined what should be a 'perfect' moment in our lives where he's just so excited to marry me that he's bubbling around in a jewelry store (haha, maybe waaay back in his mind..) thinking about how much he loves me. But now its just about him buying some piece of jewelry because he has to and doesn't really want to. I never wanted it to be that way, I wanted to be the girlfriend that never even mentioned getting married ever, never freaked out about it, never even brought it up until one day she was surprised by her boyfriend. She never was annoying, never cried over it, never nagged.. but I've become that girlfriend. So now I don't even want it. I don't want it like that.. where its forced and contrived by guilt and necessity. So thats how I feel. And I'm so mad at myself that I've ruined it when I have the perfect guy.. I always ruin things lately.
The apartment is doing fine, I've made up a whole list of spring cleaning chores for me and Matt to do, but I know I'll end up doing most of them. It doesn't even really feel like spring, actually. Its pretty cold outside.. so I've kind of slowed up on the actual completion of my list of spring cleaning things. But this apartment is a veritable mess. I also need to buy a proper vacuum. Matt has this tiny little shark vacuum but it really can't keep up with this whole place. It was good for college, but now we need a real-deal vacuum. I just got some spring flowers on sale at a craft store and made a pretty nice garland for the top of the kitchen cabinets and it looks really nice. I also was inspired to sign up for a subscription to Martha Stewart Living magazine. I'm looking for some inspiration on how to make this place look more.. adult, homey, less college-y.. Of course I don't really have the budget to do that properly, but if I did I would be spending thousands of dollars on nice new matching furniture to make the rooms look more I dunno.. less like a garage sale? *sigh* Though the frugal side of me is like why bother.. this stuff was free. But I'm getting too old for garage sale, in my opinion.
Jasper is doing great. Just spend like 30 bucks on him at Petsmart so he SHOULD be great haha. He now has a new collection of treats to burn through, which shouldn't be too hard. Today we are taking him to a dog vaccination clinic thingy held by the vet school in a park nearby so he can meet some other dogs, have some fun etc (he doesn't actually need any of the shots or anything).
This weekend we spent a lot of time at Matt's parents house for his dad's birthday. So that was fine. I know its just me being.. me.. but most of the time I just feel like I don't belong in that family and I don't know how to respond to anything that anyone says. I feel like I'll say the wrong thing, or say something not acceptable to them somehow.. I feel like I always say the wrong thing around his mom and that she doesn't like me very much; I don't think we have much in common. But she annoys me sometimes with stuff that I guess I'm being overly sensitive about. For instance, she's very pushy when it comes to my dog. Now I'm still pretty sensitive to the fact that its my first dog and I'm enjoying being the primary care-giver to him. I love that he loves me and wants to be near me and comes to me for comfort before anyone else.. I suppose I see the draw to motherhood. That obvious show of something else needing you, depending on you for something is nice. Anyway though, when we are around her and have our dog, she kind of takes over, calls herself his "second mommy" and at feeding time she grabs his food dish before I can and feeds him etc etc. I know I'm being childish, but I like to do things for my dog, and I feel kind of like she thinks I'm not doing it right when she takes over. I know she's just trying to help, and that she does it simply by default, and I'm not like totally pissed or anything, its just one more thing that makes me feel inadequate around her. Also though, I still can't get over the fact that its hard for me to converse with Matt's parents because I operate on this system where in order for me to remember stories to tell, or remember things that happened to me that I want to share, you have to prompt me. Asking me a simple question will do it, like, how's work going, or whats going on with you lately, or whatever. But they rarely ask these questions, which doesn't facilitate much real discussion about what I'm doing or even who I am. Which makes me feel like they don't care who I am, and don't want to hear what I'm doing, and don't want to hear my stories or something. So I just stay quiet, not really talking much, and not having much to say.. and it makes it awkward. If they showed any interest in me, really, I would step up with some bitchin' stories. Or something like this will happen: "So Erin, how was your trip to Washington DC?" "Well, it was great, the first thing we did was go to the Lincoln Memorial.." "HEY MATT remember that time we were with so and so obscure family member and we did this that remotely involves Washington DC that I just remembered?!" and then its over. And we never get back to what I was going to say, and I never bring it up again because the conversation has already progressed to something else. Usually I find talking to other people is a skill of mine, but for some reason my talent in this area is waning...
Last night we watched a video of Matt's Anna's bridal shower. It was a really sweet video.. it makes me miss the women in my family when I see a group of women from a family having fun together.. In the video, they showed Anna answering questions that they had asked Brian and saw if she answered the questions how he answered them etc etc.. you know, the kind of cutesy stuff I want to do at my shower. One of the questions was when did Brian know that he wanted to marry Anna. Brian's answer was the fall of 2009, which was right after they had gotten back from not seeing each other all summer after they met. This made me kind of sad, because I'm still not even sure Matt wants to really marry me, and here his little brother was certain after only knowing Anna for a month or so in the same state. I had this vision of Brian buying the ring for Anna and him telling the jeweler a story like that one, that he's known for so long that she was the one and he couldn't wait. I imagine Matt in the same situation saying something to the effect of "well, all her friends got married and she kept crying about it so I finally decided to shut her up". And I know I've brought that on myself and I've already ruined what should be a 'perfect' moment in our lives where he's just so excited to marry me that he's bubbling around in a jewelry store (haha, maybe waaay back in his mind..) thinking about how much he loves me. But now its just about him buying some piece of jewelry because he has to and doesn't really want to. I never wanted it to be that way, I wanted to be the girlfriend that never even mentioned getting married ever, never freaked out about it, never even brought it up until one day she was surprised by her boyfriend. She never was annoying, never cried over it, never nagged.. but I've become that girlfriend. So now I don't even want it. I don't want it like that.. where its forced and contrived by guilt and necessity. So thats how I feel. And I'm so mad at myself that I've ruined it when I have the perfect guy.. I always ruin things lately.