Detox
I am, I suppose, currently in a state of school detox.
(The toxic part is the studying and homework, now long since past.)
So now I'm working bit-by-bit on the other, more social side of me.
I've had a few failures, but I still think I'm making progress.
Perhaps it's the lack of academic pressure, which had been the driving force behind my anti-social idiosyncracies for so long.
Anyway, I must say that I am in a most extraordinary state now. See, when I came home two Wednesdays ago from school, the last day of classes, I found myself DONE. And for a week, a whole week, I was easing into my lazy summer routine of late-to-bed, late-to-rise, morning and daytime TV-watching, and Internet surfing for about 75% of my waking hours.
Then, Wednesday and Thursday, after this week of freedom, I found myself BACK, you know. Back There. For someone who has already started their summer routine, this can be a bit of a jarring contrast. So, all these so-called "mandatory" activities infiltrated my life. It feels very much like I've stumbled through the lucky rabbit hole, through an enchanted looking glass. I'm in an otherworldly wonderland, the likes of which I've never before experienced.
My schtick routine, which I mentioned in the previous post, has reared its God-awful visage, especially Friday night I daresay, when I was in very unfamiliar territory. So, I resorted to my overused rules of engagement-detachment and appearing to be resolute and too concerned with that with which I need not be concerned-when they really should have been broken long before.
So then, I hovered in a very hazy land of doubt and perhaps, a tinge of despair. Certainly a land characterized by one word: Regrets. Indeed, I have been pondering my many regrets, and one looms larger in my mind than all others. This regret: I am a virtual recluse. I can justify this, of course, by referring to my aforementioned academic pressures, which all but assured me no social life whatsoever. Indeed, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night of the regular school years, I was no doubt doing homework, studying, or decompressing after a long day at the proverbial school desk. Friday night, of course, was usually occupied by a hockey game, at which I was expected to be present. Saturdays these past years have been characterized by the following scene: Me, at a piano, in Nordstrom, at Providence Place. Home at 3 to do weekend school projects and relax after a 4-hour day tickling the ivories. Sunday afternoon was, no doubt, occupied by yet another hockey game.
So I have remained isolated. In the summers between 10&11 and 11&12, I spent quite a bit of time studying Travel Geography for that AAA Travel Challenge contest I entered for three straight years, and which was the cause of my week-long vacations in Orlando, FL these past three Mays. But now, I am no longer eligible for the contest, so this summer looms freer than any others in recent memory.
And now, I'm in a nostalgic dreamland neither here nor there, between school and summer, and quite frankly, it's f***ing strange. I can't get over how strange these weeks have felt. They really are the stuff of dreams-or nightmares. Nightmares of regrets. Of feeling that I've forfeited my potential. Of downcast and downtrodden melancholy.
I've no problem with acquaintances. That is assured. But I think I do have a problem with the next level beyond them. You do understand what I'm talking about, no?
I can no longer justify this.................
(The toxic part is the studying and homework, now long since past.)
So now I'm working bit-by-bit on the other, more social side of me.
I've had a few failures, but I still think I'm making progress.
Perhaps it's the lack of academic pressure, which had been the driving force behind my anti-social idiosyncracies for so long.
Anyway, I must say that I am in a most extraordinary state now. See, when I came home two Wednesdays ago from school, the last day of classes, I found myself DONE. And for a week, a whole week, I was easing into my lazy summer routine of late-to-bed, late-to-rise, morning and daytime TV-watching, and Internet surfing for about 75% of my waking hours.
Then, Wednesday and Thursday, after this week of freedom, I found myself BACK, you know. Back There. For someone who has already started their summer routine, this can be a bit of a jarring contrast. So, all these so-called "mandatory" activities infiltrated my life. It feels very much like I've stumbled through the lucky rabbit hole, through an enchanted looking glass. I'm in an otherworldly wonderland, the likes of which I've never before experienced.
My schtick routine, which I mentioned in the previous post, has reared its God-awful visage, especially Friday night I daresay, when I was in very unfamiliar territory. So, I resorted to my overused rules of engagement-detachment and appearing to be resolute and too concerned with that with which I need not be concerned-when they really should have been broken long before.
So then, I hovered in a very hazy land of doubt and perhaps, a tinge of despair. Certainly a land characterized by one word: Regrets. Indeed, I have been pondering my many regrets, and one looms larger in my mind than all others. This regret: I am a virtual recluse. I can justify this, of course, by referring to my aforementioned academic pressures, which all but assured me no social life whatsoever. Indeed, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night of the regular school years, I was no doubt doing homework, studying, or decompressing after a long day at the proverbial school desk. Friday night, of course, was usually occupied by a hockey game, at which I was expected to be present. Saturdays these past years have been characterized by the following scene: Me, at a piano, in Nordstrom, at Providence Place. Home at 3 to do weekend school projects and relax after a 4-hour day tickling the ivories. Sunday afternoon was, no doubt, occupied by yet another hockey game.
So I have remained isolated. In the summers between 10&11 and 11&12, I spent quite a bit of time studying Travel Geography for that AAA Travel Challenge contest I entered for three straight years, and which was the cause of my week-long vacations in Orlando, FL these past three Mays. But now, I am no longer eligible for the contest, so this summer looms freer than any others in recent memory.
And now, I'm in a nostalgic dreamland neither here nor there, between school and summer, and quite frankly, it's f***ing strange. I can't get over how strange these weeks have felt. They really are the stuff of dreams-or nightmares. Nightmares of regrets. Of feeling that I've forfeited my potential. Of downcast and downtrodden melancholy.
I've no problem with acquaintances. That is assured. But I think I do have a problem with the next level beyond them. You do understand what I'm talking about, no?
I can no longer justify this.................