soooo
house arrest is lame, but I'm gonna make it... I just get really restless. the only time I get out is to go to work. so at work i want to play... and no one will play with me. the thing most on my mind right now is love...
Jarin is locked up. Jarin is younger than me... age wise and mentally. so he isn't ready for the stuff I'm ready for and I feel like if he is with me he will miss out on some of the things in life that I think he will regret later. I'm 19 and he is almost 18... we are about a year and a half apart... I want to have kids by the time I'm 22 which would make him 20. not even 21. so he would miss going out to bars and such, and I dont think he wants to do that. I mean I know he WOULD do it, but he wouldn't WANT to... so I think he would grow to resent me or our family, ya know? but because he is young his habits are still changable... I mean 14-19 i would say is when you find who you want to be in life... so he is guideable, and will do what I want him to, to a certain degree. so he can be made into the guy I want. but is that good enough? to be the person I made him? I want someone who made themselves into someone I want... someone who got there on their own... like I did. someone who made mistakes and cleaned them up themselves... not their mommy and daddy or their lover. just like I did. i cleaned up my own life, i got myself on the track i want to be on... i dunno. jarin has just always been some dumb punk of a kid. did the total minimum in school... in resource classes... getting detentions and saturday schools because he was a jackass and cut class and such... didn't take education serious... he needs help, and I need to help someone. someone told me the reason i get with these bad kids, especially the ones younger than me is i have that mothering instinct, so i see these kids drowning in their mistakes, and i want to help them... give them a hand and pull them above it all, where i am. but i pulled myself out and am all the wiser and stronger from it. i should be with someone who did the same... not these kids that NEED me... but i do love him. i like being around him. even though we fought all the time... there was a reason we'd get back together. we were... are? in love. I mean... thats why we have been together just about a year. 11 months.. nearly a year of my life... if this weren't enough to think about theres also...
Tony. covered in tats, has big ol' plugs in his ears... basically a mom's worst nightmare... not the kind of person i would ever imagine myself with. i mean i want that picture perfect family... not this grungy looking punk... but then i talk to him and it just opens my eyes. we went through almost the same shit and we both pulled ourselves out of it, put our pasts behind us and brushed ourselves off... got back on the horse so to say. for god's sake we have the same moto in life... No regret. learn from your mistakes, dont dwell on them. he smokes ciggys :-( he said he is going to quit... because he wants to. thats the best reason. when we talk i feel free to speak my mind. we talked for half an hour after work (and then i had to go cause of house arrest) and i realized i was.. well... kind of falling for him. so i posted this bulletin on myspace that was like -someone help me!! guy drama and I am stuck inside my own head!- or something... and who responds to it? Tony... "anything i can help with" fuck... but i say nah, why would I want to make an ass outta myself, and ofcourse he is charming and says he wont judge me... so i decide, what the hell, hold my nose and jump in. i tell him everything. how i feel about him, whats going on with jarin and that right now i dont even know what to do. he tells me he feels the same about me but whatever is happening inside my head is for me to figure out and to take things step by step. i know not to decide until j gets out and we talk. Tony knows that i dont want anything until i either cut ties with j or stay with him.. and he respects me enough to not pressure me. in any way. Tony took a closing shift to work with me one night... even though he was opening the next morning... we were there until 11:00pm, and his next shift was at 4:15am. he didn't sleep that night because he wanted to stay up and talk to me. to make sure i knew he was there for me. to help me. for the past 2-2.5 years I have been so busy taking care of and helping everyone else i hadn't been helping myself. he helps me see that my needs have to come before other peoples. but he is COVERED in tatoos, and i honestly think i may be too shallow in the long run to be with someone like that.
I always get what i want, but not what i need. i want attention from a boy, boom, i get it. i want someone to take me out, they do. i want someone to take care of, done. i want to help someone up, abra cadabra. i want to be loved, got it. but i need someone who will treat me right... i need someone i love back... i need someone to take care of me as much as i take care of them. i need someone to hold my hand on an even level, right next to me, not below or above.
I want Jarin. I need Tony.
Jarin needs me. Tony wants me.
I'm torn. throw away everything I have with Jarin on a whim? on a hope? on a feeling? on an image... of what i think is right. being near tony makes me hate jarin. i dont know what being around jarin does... i haven't been for a month, today. still a month to go. maybe i should see what being around jarin does before i make a choice. maybe tony wont wait. many girls like him... throw themselves at him in fact. he is hot. but he wants what i want. something real. someone to marry... start a family with. someone to love for the rest of his life. could he resist girls constantly throwing themselves at him? for how long? *sigh* they dont call it a crush for no reason I suppose. they should call in maiming... cause thats what its all doing to my head. my heart. dont say i am too young to talk about all of this. i am more grown up than my age. i am ready for a family and love now. i would be happier right now married with kids than out at a bar, or smoking, or going to clubs. some are carrer oriented... not me. family. i dont care what my job is, as long as me and my man (whoever he may be) can provide for our family. i will work in a sewer if it means my kids can have a good life. but thats not even the point of all this... do i go with what i want or what i think i need?
I want Jarin. I think I need Tony.
any advice is welcome. and appreciated...
Jarin is locked up. Jarin is younger than me... age wise and mentally. so he isn't ready for the stuff I'm ready for and I feel like if he is with me he will miss out on some of the things in life that I think he will regret later. I'm 19 and he is almost 18... we are about a year and a half apart... I want to have kids by the time I'm 22 which would make him 20. not even 21. so he would miss going out to bars and such, and I dont think he wants to do that. I mean I know he WOULD do it, but he wouldn't WANT to... so I think he would grow to resent me or our family, ya know? but because he is young his habits are still changable... I mean 14-19 i would say is when you find who you want to be in life... so he is guideable, and will do what I want him to, to a certain degree. so he can be made into the guy I want. but is that good enough? to be the person I made him? I want someone who made themselves into someone I want... someone who got there on their own... like I did. someone who made mistakes and cleaned them up themselves... not their mommy and daddy or their lover. just like I did. i cleaned up my own life, i got myself on the track i want to be on... i dunno. jarin has just always been some dumb punk of a kid. did the total minimum in school... in resource classes... getting detentions and saturday schools because he was a jackass and cut class and such... didn't take education serious... he needs help, and I need to help someone. someone told me the reason i get with these bad kids, especially the ones younger than me is i have that mothering instinct, so i see these kids drowning in their mistakes, and i want to help them... give them a hand and pull them above it all, where i am. but i pulled myself out and am all the wiser and stronger from it. i should be with someone who did the same... not these kids that NEED me... but i do love him. i like being around him. even though we fought all the time... there was a reason we'd get back together. we were... are? in love. I mean... thats why we have been together just about a year. 11 months.. nearly a year of my life... if this weren't enough to think about theres also...
Tony. covered in tats, has big ol' plugs in his ears... basically a mom's worst nightmare... not the kind of person i would ever imagine myself with. i mean i want that picture perfect family... not this grungy looking punk... but then i talk to him and it just opens my eyes. we went through almost the same shit and we both pulled ourselves out of it, put our pasts behind us and brushed ourselves off... got back on the horse so to say. for god's sake we have the same moto in life... No regret. learn from your mistakes, dont dwell on them. he smokes ciggys :-( he said he is going to quit... because he wants to. thats the best reason. when we talk i feel free to speak my mind. we talked for half an hour after work (and then i had to go cause of house arrest) and i realized i was.. well... kind of falling for him. so i posted this bulletin on myspace that was like -someone help me!! guy drama and I am stuck inside my own head!- or something... and who responds to it? Tony... "anything i can help with" fuck... but i say nah, why would I want to make an ass outta myself, and ofcourse he is charming and says he wont judge me... so i decide, what the hell, hold my nose and jump in. i tell him everything. how i feel about him, whats going on with jarin and that right now i dont even know what to do. he tells me he feels the same about me but whatever is happening inside my head is for me to figure out and to take things step by step. i know not to decide until j gets out and we talk. Tony knows that i dont want anything until i either cut ties with j or stay with him.. and he respects me enough to not pressure me. in any way. Tony took a closing shift to work with me one night... even though he was opening the next morning... we were there until 11:00pm, and his next shift was at 4:15am. he didn't sleep that night because he wanted to stay up and talk to me. to make sure i knew he was there for me. to help me. for the past 2-2.5 years I have been so busy taking care of and helping everyone else i hadn't been helping myself. he helps me see that my needs have to come before other peoples. but he is COVERED in tatoos, and i honestly think i may be too shallow in the long run to be with someone like that.
I always get what i want, but not what i need. i want attention from a boy, boom, i get it. i want someone to take me out, they do. i want someone to take care of, done. i want to help someone up, abra cadabra. i want to be loved, got it. but i need someone who will treat me right... i need someone i love back... i need someone to take care of me as much as i take care of them. i need someone to hold my hand on an even level, right next to me, not below or above.
I want Jarin. I need Tony.
Jarin needs me. Tony wants me.
I'm torn. throw away everything I have with Jarin on a whim? on a hope? on a feeling? on an image... of what i think is right. being near tony makes me hate jarin. i dont know what being around jarin does... i haven't been for a month, today. still a month to go. maybe i should see what being around jarin does before i make a choice. maybe tony wont wait. many girls like him... throw themselves at him in fact. he is hot. but he wants what i want. something real. someone to marry... start a family with. someone to love for the rest of his life. could he resist girls constantly throwing themselves at him? for how long? *sigh* they dont call it a crush for no reason I suppose. they should call in maiming... cause thats what its all doing to my head. my heart. dont say i am too young to talk about all of this. i am more grown up than my age. i am ready for a family and love now. i would be happier right now married with kids than out at a bar, or smoking, or going to clubs. some are carrer oriented... not me. family. i dont care what my job is, as long as me and my man (whoever he may be) can provide for our family. i will work in a sewer if it means my kids can have a good life. but thats not even the point of all this... do i go with what i want or what i think i need?
I want Jarin. I think I need Tony.
any advice is welcome. and appreciated...