(no subject)
Lying against him on the couch, warm on this bitterly frigid Valentine's night, I finally found a word for what I feel when he is holding me in his arms.
Disgust.
I can give myself the same talk I've been giving myself for weeks now, but I feel sick to my stomach with contempt and betrayal. Betrayal on his end for not being anything I hoped he would be, and betrayal on my end for being so giving and warm even after it become clear that he was neither. Hospitality, I kept telling my housemates with concern. He's good to me in many ways, but he doesn't show me good hospitality. I was referring to the fact that he's never offered me food, drink, or a blanket at his house, but now I see it is more than that. He's never reciprocated a compliment, a display of affection, an indication of thoughtfulness. And that angers me.
I am not heart-broken, no. I made it very clear that he was an experiment for me, a learning experience. I also openly admitted to myself and to others that what I really wanted was to be held and to not feel so lonely when I went to bed at night and all my housemates went back to their affectionate boyfriends.
Everyone tells me I deserve so much, but I don't believe them.
The world takes advantage of women who are giving and warm.
Disgust.
I can give myself the same talk I've been giving myself for weeks now, but I feel sick to my stomach with contempt and betrayal. Betrayal on his end for not being anything I hoped he would be, and betrayal on my end for being so giving and warm even after it become clear that he was neither. Hospitality, I kept telling my housemates with concern. He's good to me in many ways, but he doesn't show me good hospitality. I was referring to the fact that he's never offered me food, drink, or a blanket at his house, but now I see it is more than that. He's never reciprocated a compliment, a display of affection, an indication of thoughtfulness. And that angers me.
I am not heart-broken, no. I made it very clear that he was an experiment for me, a learning experience. I also openly admitted to myself and to others that what I really wanted was to be held and to not feel so lonely when I went to bed at night and all my housemates went back to their affectionate boyfriends.
Everyone tells me I deserve so much, but I don't believe them.
The world takes advantage of women who are giving and warm.