Dear Diary, part 17
July 30th
Dear Diary,
I really really don't like it here any more. Daddy's been so weird ever since that night Houston disappeared.
Sometimes he's really angry, and he yells at me, so I try to stay out of his way. But he still finds me and yells at me.
And if he's not yelling at me, he's crying. He yells at me if I cry, but then he cries and it's ok!
I try to make him happy and to be good. I don't like it when he's sad or when he's yelling at me. I wish I was good enough so that he wouldn't yell any more.
I don't want to stay here any more. I want to go home.
I miss mama.
Daddy said she's a stupid two bit whore, just like Nina, but I don't think that's true. Mama's nothing like Nina.
I've had lots of bad dreams, where Houston comes back, and kills daddy. Daddy says that I'm a baby if they scare me, because they're not real.
I also had dreams where this woman came and took me away and said I couldn't live with my daddy any more.
Sometimes they're scary, but not always. Sometimes they make me feel good.
I don't see Mama in my dreams, but I wish I did.
Daddy doesn't like me talking about her. He gets angry, and yells, and then drinks a lot. Sometimes he takes some of his special vitamins, the ones I'm not allowed to touch. He usually falls asleep on the floor after he's had them. Sometimes he's there all night.
I'm so scared and lonely, diary. You're all I have. There aren't any other kids around here, and daddy won't let me go anywhere. I'm not allowed to talk to the other people who live here, daddy said they'll take me away and do bad things to me. And that he's the only one who can keep me safe from bad men like Houston.
I don't know if that's true. I know mama wouldn't hurt me, mama loves me. But why would daddy lie to me? People who love you shouldn't lie to you.
I want to run away and find mama. I packed my bag and have it under my bed, but I don't know where to go.
I tried running away last night, but I got scared. I thought I heard him creeping up behind me.
I don't have any money. Daddy says he has lots and that's why he doesn't need to work any more. I know stealing is wrong, but if daddy has lots, then maybe he won't notice if I take some? He never buys me anything, not even new books for school.
He doesn't notice me when he has his girls over. He just tells me to get out.
I don't want to live with daddy any more, diary.
Landy.
August 15th
Dear Diary Finkle Winkle,
I've been using daddy's computer when he's been drinking.
Which is every night, so I've been able to use it every day. I don't remember where mama lives, and she's not in the phone book. I've been talking to people who live in Pleasantview, which is where daddy said we lived. He only told me that because he was drunk and dopey.
Some of the people I chat to are creepy like Houston and they scare me and I stop using the computer when that happens. But others are good, and they said they'd try to help me.
They said they had her phone number and they gave it to me!
So I called it when daddy was asleep, but no one answered. I've tried it every day, but no one ever answers. Now I don't know if it's the right number.
What if she moved? She might not live there any more. Maybe she left me too.
Landy.
July 14th
Dear Diary,
Poor Kaylynn. Her marriage hasn't been going well. I know this pregnancy is hard on her, and has caused a strain with Darren. She said he hardly helps out around the house, he just sits on the couch while she and Dilbert do it all.
She said they've also fighting a lot, mostly about the pregnancy. She's having twins also (did I mention that I am? It's hard to remember, so much has been going on, and I've been spending so much time with Xander and Wanda), and he's said he's not sure he wants to have any more children. But that's a bit late, if you ask me!
And then during one of their fights - she went into labour! Dilbert called me as they were on the way to the hospital, but, I couldn't get up there to be with her, because my nanny couldn't make it here.
But the babies - Diamond and Danger - are doing well, though they're still in hospital. I know what that's like!
They still fight, she said, but not as much. Though that may be due to her hardly being home, as she spends most of her time up at the hospital with her twins. I hope they can make it work.
Z.
July 30th
Dear Diary,
Damon's been insisting that we try new things, to 'spice up' our love life.
I'm a bit shocked at some of the things he wants us to do, and I just don't know if I can do any more of them. Being pregnant with twins - again - while looking after three other children is really wearing. The nanny, maid and gardener do make it easier (I shudder to think how hard it would be without them!), but they're not here all the time. And neither is Damon.
When he is around, he's either all over me, or ignoring me, and I'm not sure how to take it. When he's all over me, he's, well, he reminds me of Alfred. With no real consideration for me or what I want or need. He hasn't forced me to do anything, but he's been so insistent about some things that I do it to stop him from asking.
I guess I didn't realise how bad things were getting. Vincent doesn't sleep very well during the night, and it's always me who has to get up for him.
I've been sleeping in Yolanda's room, so I guess that might have been when it really started. Her room is closer than ours, so it's easier to hear him and to get there faster. I don't move so quickly these days.
I also feel closer to her, just by sleeping there. Which I need, seeing as the police have no idea where she is. I read the police reports each day, just in case.
When I do get some time to myself, that I don't use for napping, I'm making more floral arrangements. I do find it really peaceful and calming.
And they are quite pretty, if I do say so myself.
But they're not as beautiful as my children.
Z.
August 25th
Dear Diary,
I feel so bad about neglecting you! I do feel so much better after writing in you, but life is just hectic. I hardly get a minute to myself, and when I do, I'm usually napping. I think I might have to hire another nanny, or maybe get some live in help.
I cut all my hair off, because taking care of it was too much bother. It's the shortest I've had it since I was a kid, but I like it. It's so easy to take care of.
And one reason I needed to make it hassle free, was that my babies came a few weeks early, on the 17th! I just haven't had the time or energy to write.
Twin girls, Unity and Tilly, who are both doing so well.
It's been crazy around here, too, in the neighbourhood. When I bought this house, there was hardly anyone around. Now all these other houses have popped up nearby, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I liked the solitude, but maybe having some close neighbours could be good for us, certainly for the children when they get older. I guess it will raise the value of the house, too, should I ever need to sell it.
Damon's been incredibly busy with work, so he's hardly home. And when he is, he's either on the computer or sleeping. I wish I knew what was up with him.
Z.
September 12th
Dear Diary,
Oh god oh god oh god. My head is spinning so much. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I've been crying for days, and it feels like years, but now I'm just furious. I am so angry, I feel like I could burst into flames. I can get through this, I know I can.
All the kids were asleep at the same time the other day, and I wanted to sit outside, and enjoy the cooler weather.
Kaylynn surprised me by turning up, and she seemed really depressed.
She told me that she and Darren were separating, that it wasn't working out with them. Dilbert was off to college now, so it was just them and the twins. I felt so bad for her, so sorry that her marriage was over...but she said that wasn't all.
She'd been having an affair, and was going to live with him, and Darren was going to raise the twins.
Then Damon came out, and I hadn't even known he was home. I was sitting there in complete shock - I had no idea Kaylynn would be capable of having an affair, let alone leave her children behind!
And then I was hit again, and this is something I never, ever, want to experience again.
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. They started kissing! I can't believe it. Of all the ways to break it to me! Of all the ways to treat me!
Damon was having an affair with Kaylynn, and it's been going on for months.
How could they do this to me?? She knows what I went through with Alfred, she knew how much Damon meant to me. I though she loved Darren!
I thought she was my friend.
But she didn't seem bothered by it. She just sauntered off. I have no idea where my friend went, but she wasn't there.
I didn't want to hear what he had to say, either. After everything I went through with Alfred, and because of him, I wasn't going to put up with this for a minute longer.
I kicked him out then and there. I told him I'd pack his stuff up and have it sent to him, and that he wasn't to set a foot on my property again.
I could hear Vincent wake up, so I went inside to settle him, I guess my yelling woke him up. I cannot believe I've been betrayed like this. Again! But this time it was worse. It was my husband and my best friend, and I loved them both. I thought they loved me! Can I find no one who's trustworthy?
I am still furious at them, but I have too much to do around here to let it take over.
I still have to find Yolanda. I think I might hire a private detective, because the police haven't been able to find hide nor hair of Alfred. She's still alive, I know it. I know I'll get her back. I can't lose her forever.
Z
November 7th
Dear Diary,
Yet again, I'm a terrible diarist. I'm a much better mother, thankfully, though I didn't throw a party for Vincent's birthday.
Having 3 active children is a lot of hard work, but they're all so adorable, and usually well behaved! I'm coping pretty well since I kicked Damon out, I haven't heard from him or Kaylynn since, and that's how I like it. I don't know whether it's a good thing or not that the kids haven't seemed to notice he's not living here any more.
I know that Xander and Wanda won't be toddlers for much longer, and I don't want to wish this stage away.
It seems like forever ago that Yolanda was this young, and I have no idea what she's like now. I'm trying to remember as much as I can about her, but it gets hard, some days.
Z.
January 1st
Dear Diary,
I had the craziest dream last night. I don't normally remember them (I could barely remember it was Xander and Wanda's birthday last month, or Christmas!), but this one has stuck with me all day. It just felt so...real.
I had a few glasses of some wine last night, Kathryn (the nanny) left it for me. I wonder if that had anything to do with it? She said it was a special blend that her family would make for the New Year, something to help celebrate the new beginning. She said it might help me get some insight into what's going on, which I thought was weird.
I dreamt that I was walking through the middle of the desert, and the sky was this amazing array of colours, it was breathtaking. I had no idea if it was night or day, but I was wearing my pyjamas, so I guessed it was night.
I found myself walking towards a small oasis, and there was this nearly naked...woman, stirring a great big cauldron. Her skin was green, and she was wearing leaves. It was really, really odd. But she was beautiful.
She didn't greet me, she just handed me a ladle, and I knew I was meant to drink from the cauldron. It tasted just like the wine the nanny gave me, but one sip went straight to my head.
I could feel the world rushing around me, like I was in the middle of a whirlpool, but I was still. Everything was circling about me, and I was holding it all together.
I felt I could reach the sky, and hear the earth. I guess this would be what being on drugs would be like.
We sat down, and started talking. Well, she started talking, I just listened. I could feel her words resonate within me.
She told me that I would find love again, and to not give up hope. That adversity would bring strength and growth or something, I'm not sure.
That there was all forms of love, and that it would always come back to me, it would always surround me. Including the love of my daughter, from my daughter.
She held her hand out to me, and I could feel this wave of love wash over me. I could feel Yolanda's love, and her pain, like she was right there with me.
Like there was some sort of psychic connection between us.
She told me she would bring love back to me, to my life, and kissed me gently on the lips. Even though her lips barely brushed mine, it was the best kiss I've ever had. It filled me, from head to toe in a rush, with love and hope and peace.
She started telling me this story, though I don't remember the details, but I know it was enthralling.
I soon realised there was someone else there...and sitting beside me, was Yolanda.
She looked just like me. Sitting there in her pyjamas, just like me, with her hair cut just like mine, even the same colour. I didn't want to move, in case she disappeared.
But once the story was over, I leapt up and held her in my arms, kissing her again and again.
She seemed so much bigger, so much older, than when I saw her last. She was so beautiful. I didn't want to let her go.
But she said she had to go, so that she could come home. That she would find her way back to me. We were then in the middle of a road, that went up this huge hill, in the middle of the desert. I don't know where she was going.
Then she just disappeared.
This...shaman, I guess, she held me again, and told me that this year I would get answers. That Vincent held the key.
I wish I knew what it all meant! It was so surreal, but when I woke up, I could still feel Yolanda around me.
I wonder what was in that wine.
I hope it comes true.
Z
Notes:
- During Yolanda's dream scenes, the damn social worker kept coming to take her away, which was slightly annoying, but it worked its way into the story well enough.
- Alfred is SUCH a cry baby. He's no getting enough ass for his Romance aspiration liking, so he spends most of his time crying.
- The first time Zady gave birth this update, it was to quads. I almost let her keep them (two of each), but I just did not want to torture her that much! The storyline would have gone VERY differently if she'd kept them, though.
- I summoned Kaylynn over for the scene where she tells Zady that her marriage is over, and she and Damon autonomously started making out like that. I guess they knew where I was going with this, and just wanted to jump ahead!
- Some of you may have recognised her, but the alien shaman was Stella Terrano, from La Fiesta Tech. I wanted a desert scene, so I added LFT to the neighbourhood, and she seemed like the perfect shaman.
- Life may not be getting any easier for Zady as yet, but at least she's better off without another cheating husband!
Previous entries:
[ part one][ part two][ part three][ part four][ part five]
[ part six][ part seven][ part eight][ part nine][ part ten]
[ part eleven][ part twelve] [ part thirteen] [ part fourteen] [ part fifteen]
[ part sixteen]
[ family tree]