Dear Diary, part eight
December 21st
Deary Diary,
The time I have spent at home - which hasn't been much - I've spent worrying. How could I not? My husband and newborn babies were all in hospital, my ex husband was out on bail for assaulting my new husband...there's just so much going on.
And I miss Yolanda so much! I miss her cuddles and her kisses. But I know it's best she spends some time with mother right now.
I've been spending my days up at the hospital, sitting by Damon's bed, waiting for him to wake up. And fretting, as I sit there. It's hard to look at him and not worry.
The doctor said something about how when Damon landed, he'd fractured his skull, and had split his scalp on the sharp edge of a paving stone or something, which is why there was so much blood. I wasn't really listening. But I couldn't stand to see his head covered in bandages, so the nurses let me put a beanie on him, to cover them. I know it's ridiculous to worry about something so petty, but it really helped.
He hasn't woken up yet, but the doctor is confident that he should. Something about his body just needing to heal itself while they monitor him.
I don't want to lose him, I love him so much.
It tears me up to have to leave his side, but I have to. Some times, it's just too much, to look at him and know why he's there.
I have to make myself leave, to eat, to go to the bathroom, to just walk around. If I don't, I just stay by his bed until it's time to feed the twins.
Yesterday, I fainted. The fact that Christmas is coming, and he and the twins were still in hospital...I hadn't eaten since the day before. His doctor gave me a gentle talking to, making me promise to take care of myself. "We'll take care of him, Mrs Wade, but you have to take care of you," is what he said. I have to remember that.
Especially for Xander and Wanda. Grandmother is paying for the best health care that they and Damon can get. She isn't well enough to travel here, but this was enough for her and mother to start repairing their differences, especially as mother took Yolanda to see her.
The twins have excellent care, and their doctor said they should be allowed home any day now.
And I do like to sit there and watch them sleep.
It's even better when the nurses say that I can hold them. I just want to take them home. It will be soon, I know, but that's not soon enough.
Z.
December 23rd
Dear Diary,
My life feels like a roller coaster - one minute it's going up and great, and the next, it's going down, down, down. Mother suggested I delay Christmas until Damon and twins are out of hospital, which I have no problem doing. I know Yolanda is too young to understand when it's meant to be, and I'd rather it be a happy time for her, with all of us at home.
When I arrived at the hospital yesterday morning, I had good news - Damon was awake! He was sitting up in bed, and had even managed to eat some breakfast. I was so thrilled.
At first.
He didn't seem himself. He was angry. At me, at the nurses, at everyone. The doctor said that it can happen sometimes, but he should get back to himself soon enough.
I did my best to act like nothing was wrong, and told him about how Yolanda and the twins were doing, but he didn't seem interested.
It was like his mind was elsewhere. I hope things go back to normal again soon. I don't know if I can cope with him being a different person. Does that make me shallow? I don't know. But Damon isn't an angry man. I hope this is just an after effect of his injury, and that as he heals, it goes away. I want my Damon back.
Zady.
December 26th
Dear Diary,
It hurts to write, but I know I have to. I have to record this.
Yesterday, mother came back with Yolanda, because the doctors said that Damon and the twins should all be fine to come home by the end of this week, and even if we weren't going to celebrate Christmas, we could at least spend the day together. I doubt I can fully express how happy that made me. I was so thrilled that I would be getting my family back together, that I started to cry.
But last night, that changed. Alfred came around. He said he just wanted to see Yolanda, and he wanted to see the twins. I told him the twins were still in hospital, and they were too small for visitors. It was Christmas, he said he had a right to see his children.
Yolanda was still awake, and had followed me to the door, so I couldn't even lie and say she was in bed. He scooped her up and cuddled her. She giggled and called him Daddy 'Fred.
At first, he said he wanted me. That with Damon in hospital, I must be lonely, and must be wanting a real man. I didn't know what to say at first. I stammered something about him being married. He just laughed, and said that never stopped him before.
Somehow, I managed to pull myself together and tell him no, that I had no intention of doing anything like that with him again.
Then he quickly changed his tune, and told me that he wanted custody of the children - of all of them. I was horrified! I couldn't speak, my mind had gone blank, my heart was racing, and I felt like someone had kicked me in the guts.
I told him no, he couldn't do that, I wouldn't let him, he got mad. Furious. I tried to shoo Yolanda inside, but as I did that...he attacked me
He'd never hit me like this before. Before, it was mostly slapping, with him putting me down. This time, he used his fists. But I didn't just take it. I fought back. I gave as good as I could.
I was horrified when I realised that Yolanda hadn't gone inside, but was sitting there watching us. That made me fight harder.
She should never have had to witness anything like this. I hope that she doesn't remember it when she's older.
And though I tried and tried and fought back as much as I could, he still beat the crap out of me. I guess that was a forgone conclusion, but I couldn't just lie down and take it.
I was in so much pain, and I was bleeding and crying and terribly afraid, but I managed to get him to leave. I'm not sure exactly what I said, I babbled something about my parents being here, and asleep, but if I screamed loud enough, my father would be out and would make him leave.
Father wasn't here, of course, but Alfred didn't know that. I took Yolanda inside and called the police and Dr Kimberly, and reluctantly woke mother. I wanted to clean myself up, but mother said not to, that the police would need to document my injuries.
Two officers came around to take my statement, and they were here very quickly. They were very sympathetic, and said they would put a warrant out for his arrest.
Poor Yolanda refused to sleep, she just wanted to be with me, and she had to see me sobbing as I told the police what happened.
Dr Kimberly was there quickly, too, and cleaned me up. There's nothing broken, but I'm covered in bruises, and have a few stitches. I ache all over, but if this gets him out of my life for good, then it's a small price to pay. With his assault on Damon, plus my statement of the abuse from our marriage, on top of this, the police think he should be serving some jail time.
I hope that's true. Especially as Damon will be coming home tomorrow.
Z.
January 1st
Dear Diary,
I'm currently staying with Kaylynn, though it's a bit cramped. I'm not sure for how long, because the twins were discharged this morning. But I can't go home just yet. I can barely see as I write this, I'm crying so hard. But you've become a necessary part of my life, I have to write this. I have to work through what I'm feeling. I may not be able to say what I'm feeling, but I know I can write it.
I wasn't home at the time, I was at the hospital, spending time with the twins, and Damon and Yolanda had joined us. He is better, physically, apart from some headaches, but he's still having flashes of anger, which worry me. But once he saw what Alfred did to me, he started to improve. Maybe some good has come out of that, if it shocked him into being himself again.
But two days ago, mother was making herself something to eat, which in itself was a rarity. She doesn't know how to cook, because at home she has a maid, chef and gardener.
Somehow, whether it was an electrical fault, or what she'd put in the microwave, I don't know, but the microwave burst into flames.
The firemen said she'd tried to put it out, as the extinguisher was found on the ground nearby, but it wasn't enough.
She did her best, but she was old, and not very strong. Her health wasn't that good, given her lifestyle, but she tried to stop the flames. The smoke alarm didn't work very well, something about a loose wire.
But by the time the firemen got there...it was too late. My mother had died. They're not sure if she had a heart attack or succumbed to the smoke or flames or what. But I've lost my mother, who was trying her best to put the fire out.
I think I'm too scared to ask what else can go wrong. So much already has. The damage to the house is mostly superficial, and was contained to the kitchen. But that pales in comparison to the loss of my mother. We may not have been as close as I would have liked, but she was still my mother.
Father is distraught, but is adamant that I stay here. He doesn't want to risk the twins health by having them travel so far, so soon.
I think I'm going to have a small memorial for her. She hasn't lived here for a while, but she did spend a long time here, and plenty of people still remember Grandmother, and will want to pay their respects.
Kaylynn said we can stay at her place for as long as we need to, though she knows I can afford to stay at the most expensive hotels in town.
I need support and comfort and someone to help me out, and she knows she can offer that. It will be cramped, but I don't mind.
I can't finish this now, I'm too upset. I'm going to go feed the twins and try to calm down.
***
Okay, it's been a few hours, and the twins are resting nicely. I feel better now.
She also insisted that we both have makeovers. I really didn't want to, but she told me, very gently, that I need to remember me. I had been letting myself go, but I just didn't have the energy to bother with hair or make up, let alone clothes.
Damon really liked it, he couldn't stop telling me how pretty I am. It's still hard for me to hear that and believe they're telling me the truth, but I still like hearing it. I think his glasses really suit him, though I do understand why he prefers wearing contacts. I'm glad he's wearing glasses more.
I am glad that Damon still adores Yolanda. I was so worried that he would feel some resentment towards her, after what Alfred has put us through.
But he said he went all mushy when she called him Daddy. I love hearing her call him that, I just get filled with so much love for them both.
I love having her back with me. I missed her so much, but I know it was best she spend time with mother, and I'm glad that mother had those days with Yolanda. It means a lot to me that they had that time.
And I don't know if it was because of everything that's been going on, or if it's just her age, or a combination or what, but mothering a toddler is getting harder! I know I'm also lacking patience, and I'm a lot more emotional than I normally am. I've been through so much, but so has she. I know how hard it's been for me, and I can talk about it and get it all out. But my poor baby, I know she's seen some scary things that she doesn't understand, and I know she doesn't have the words to voice it.
She looks so much like her father when she's angry. It's an expression I hope not to see often.
Damon and Darren are getting along really well, which is a relief. Having a calm home (as calm as it can be with four adults, one child, one toddler and two babies!) is really important to me right now.
Damon also gets along well with Dilbert, Kaylynn and Darren's son. He's a cheeky thing, but he adores Yolanda. I think he wants a baby brother or sister, given how much he dotes over my children.
And even though Damon and I have been trying to get back to how things were, I still feel there's some distance between us. I can't help but worry he blames me for the problems with Alfred. I was married to him, and I have his children, maybe I should've handled things differently. Maybe I could've stopped him. I don't know. I don't know if I'm creating this feeling of distance, or if I'm imagining it. We've had sex again, though finding a time when all the kids are asleep is hard, and it was good, as good as it always was...but, there's something different with us. Is it my fault? I toss and turn a lot at night, and find it hard to fall asleep. Damon drops off quickly, which means I get to watch him sleep, and as gorgeous as he is, I would rather get more sleep.
I just need Alfred to go to jail. I don't think I'll be able to sleep properly until he does.
Zady.
NOTES:
- I summoned Alfred over to have a confrontation, but I'd planned on it being more verbal. Within moments of them being near each other, he autonomously attacked her.
- I've had to redo Zady's house thanks to my great CC deletion (which occurred after the 'hospital' scenes and before the ones at Kaylynn's house), but her mother DID set the kitchen on fire by herself, so that gave me a great reason to do that.
- There were a number of amusing things that happened during this update, so I've put together a bloopers entry.
Previous entries:
[ part one][ part two][ part three][ part four][part five][ part six][ part seven]