A real entry? Me? No way...it must be a tease...
...but, it's not! Hooray!
Just when I think, "You know, I guess life isn't so bad," reality jumps in, throws me over a counter, rapes me, aborts me, eats me, poops me out, rapes me again, and then burns whatever is leftover.
Let me give you an example:
Last weekend, Meridian HS had their musical, "Hankerin' Hillbillies." Yeah, I know, sounds really stupid, and I know it was, but the kids did a really good job. They actually made some of the lame jokes funny...and that's saying a lot considering I usually like good humor. I was the music/vocal director for the show and I also "played" the synthesizer, which is a generous way of saying that I doubled the bass line. This meant that I had to be at rehearsals every night two weeks before the show opened. Yeah, it was a pain in the ass, but I really got to know the kids really well. Hell, two of the senior girls NOT in choir decided that they would join second semester. I consider the whole experience to be a positive one. I went into choir the next Monday feeling energized and rejuvinated.
Boy, what a mistake that was.
First of all, my freshman girls just would NOT sing. They decided that their time was best spent hurling horrible insults at each other until one of them started crying. During my prep period, I got chewed out by the secretary because I've forgotten to take attendance on the new computer program too frequently and it causes her to have to delay posting the official attendance by 10 minutes. (Oh, I'm so sorry...I guess I was too busy TEACHING. Fuck you, lady.) Then Chamber Choir comes in during third hour. We hadn't really practiced in about a week because of IMEA Jazz, the Musical, and a shortened week, so I told them we really needed to get down to business. No, they'd rather talk to each other and disregard anything I had to say. I got pretty pissed off and basically told them, "Look, you're gonna sound like shit unless you listen to me...if you'd prefer to sound the way you do, fine. I wash my hands of this." (Well, when I said it, I sounded less like Pontius Pilate, but you get the point.) That seemed to work...for about five minutes, then it was back to talking.
I'm sorry to be a whiny bitch and ask the same question every time I write, but why the hell did I think I could do this? All of the reasons Forbes and Holmes told me that teaching would be worth it have not come true for me. I am NOT making any impact in ANY of these students' lives. Hell, they don't even care that I care as much as I do. 95% of them are just in there to kill time between "real" classes or to go on the end of the year chorus trip (which I am seriously considering cancelling). I have maybe 2 or 3 students in choir that are there because they love music or they love to sing. TWO OR THREE. And I'll probably lose them next year because of the hellish year we're having now.
On a non-work related subject, I've found myself growing more and more introverted. Sure, I've always been shy. It's been a chore for me to warm up to new people, but I'm finding myself wanting little to do with ANYONE. When I was at Millikin, I always had that companion...you know, SOMEBODY to sit and complain to, someone to joke around with, someone to watch cartoons with, SOMETHING. Now that I'm out on my own and working, I don't have that. I mean, the people I work with are great people, but the CLOSEST one to my age is 29! (And he's married with three kids!) I have absolutely NO ONE to talk with, hang out with, or anything. What am I supposed to do? I spend EVERY night in front of the television, either watching it or playing video games until it's time for me to go to sleep. Then I repeat the same thing the next night, and the next night until the weekend comes. Then I just do that ALL DAY. I don't know, maybe it was a mistake to move to a small town. I figured it'd be a good fit since that's where I came from, but at least in MY small town, I knew everybody and there was always someone around to hang out with.
Well, I'm sick to my stomach now, so I need to stop before I go throw up. Once again, I'll TRY to be more diligent with updates, but I make no guarantees.
Just when I think, "You know, I guess life isn't so bad," reality jumps in, throws me over a counter, rapes me, aborts me, eats me, poops me out, rapes me again, and then burns whatever is leftover.
Let me give you an example:
Last weekend, Meridian HS had their musical, "Hankerin' Hillbillies." Yeah, I know, sounds really stupid, and I know it was, but the kids did a really good job. They actually made some of the lame jokes funny...and that's saying a lot considering I usually like good humor. I was the music/vocal director for the show and I also "played" the synthesizer, which is a generous way of saying that I doubled the bass line. This meant that I had to be at rehearsals every night two weeks before the show opened. Yeah, it was a pain in the ass, but I really got to know the kids really well. Hell, two of the senior girls NOT in choir decided that they would join second semester. I consider the whole experience to be a positive one. I went into choir the next Monday feeling energized and rejuvinated.
Boy, what a mistake that was.
First of all, my freshman girls just would NOT sing. They decided that their time was best spent hurling horrible insults at each other until one of them started crying. During my prep period, I got chewed out by the secretary because I've forgotten to take attendance on the new computer program too frequently and it causes her to have to delay posting the official attendance by 10 minutes. (Oh, I'm so sorry...I guess I was too busy TEACHING. Fuck you, lady.) Then Chamber Choir comes in during third hour. We hadn't really practiced in about a week because of IMEA Jazz, the Musical, and a shortened week, so I told them we really needed to get down to business. No, they'd rather talk to each other and disregard anything I had to say. I got pretty pissed off and basically told them, "Look, you're gonna sound like shit unless you listen to me...if you'd prefer to sound the way you do, fine. I wash my hands of this." (Well, when I said it, I sounded less like Pontius Pilate, but you get the point.) That seemed to work...for about five minutes, then it was back to talking.
I'm sorry to be a whiny bitch and ask the same question every time I write, but why the hell did I think I could do this? All of the reasons Forbes and Holmes told me that teaching would be worth it have not come true for me. I am NOT making any impact in ANY of these students' lives. Hell, they don't even care that I care as much as I do. 95% of them are just in there to kill time between "real" classes or to go on the end of the year chorus trip (which I am seriously considering cancelling). I have maybe 2 or 3 students in choir that are there because they love music or they love to sing. TWO OR THREE. And I'll probably lose them next year because of the hellish year we're having now.
On a non-work related subject, I've found myself growing more and more introverted. Sure, I've always been shy. It's been a chore for me to warm up to new people, but I'm finding myself wanting little to do with ANYONE. When I was at Millikin, I always had that companion...you know, SOMEBODY to sit and complain to, someone to joke around with, someone to watch cartoons with, SOMETHING. Now that I'm out on my own and working, I don't have that. I mean, the people I work with are great people, but the CLOSEST one to my age is 29! (And he's married with three kids!) I have absolutely NO ONE to talk with, hang out with, or anything. What am I supposed to do? I spend EVERY night in front of the television, either watching it or playing video games until it's time for me to go to sleep. Then I repeat the same thing the next night, and the next night until the weekend comes. Then I just do that ALL DAY. I don't know, maybe it was a mistake to move to a small town. I figured it'd be a good fit since that's where I came from, but at least in MY small town, I knew everybody and there was always someone around to hang out with.
Well, I'm sick to my stomach now, so I need to stop before I go throw up. Once again, I'll TRY to be more diligent with updates, but I make no guarantees.