science.
so i've been doing much debating of what i would like to do with my life. and researching schools, etc. i can't decided if this new-found passion for science was just previously undiscovered or if this is still just my honey-moon phase with it. i feel like i would love to just wander through unknown territories: discovering trees or stars. <--either way i would be ecstatic. but how many scientists actually end up doing that. plus, i would more than likely want to be more involved in research on how to recycle, reuse, and all that jazz, than just studying everything until i fall upon something new or significant.
and i was thinking the other day about what it would be like to meet oneself. would it be freaky, in that you would be doing similar things at similar times and completing each others sentences, or would be it be annoying as hell...and then i wondered if i would even like who i am if i met me. right now i am not content with myself. for a while i was really content and when i thought about what i was doing i thought to myself that it was cool. but now i can't even look in the mirror without being kind-of annoyed. i'm feeling the hands of peer pressure like never before. and they hurt because they make me feel like a contradiction and a liar. my whole life i have been telling myself i would be myself and not allow myself to get moved from what i love and believe in. and now i have been drunk at least once a weekend (save three, two of which because my parents were here.) since i've gotten here because i am surrounded by alchoholics and stoners. talk about anti-me. yuck.
i guess on the plus side i am working a job i love. well most of the time. i laugh at myself sometimes because work exhausts me and so i say i want to go home. but when i'm home i just want to go to sleep because i can't stand to be around all of my stoned/drunk roomates. and you know me, i generally love weekends: time i can plan and control and chill. and now i hate them. i can't wait for them to be over so i can finally have an escape, a reason to not be in my hell-whole home. maybe i'll just get a second job like i said i would...i already applied to REI but they never called back. i guess i could try EMS or maybe try to get a job at a restaurant or coffee shop. coffee shops at least are almost guarenteed to have cool people working there...hm...another plus is that i finally got back in touch with juju. it's been nice talking to someone not city year and not family.
i think what it really comes down to is i miss home like crazy and i really miss la tasca. but i'm glad to be doing city year...because really i am just here for the kids. *sigh* oh life.
and i was thinking the other day about what it would be like to meet oneself. would it be freaky, in that you would be doing similar things at similar times and completing each others sentences, or would be it be annoying as hell...and then i wondered if i would even like who i am if i met me. right now i am not content with myself. for a while i was really content and when i thought about what i was doing i thought to myself that it was cool. but now i can't even look in the mirror without being kind-of annoyed. i'm feeling the hands of peer pressure like never before. and they hurt because they make me feel like a contradiction and a liar. my whole life i have been telling myself i would be myself and not allow myself to get moved from what i love and believe in. and now i have been drunk at least once a weekend (save three, two of which because my parents were here.) since i've gotten here because i am surrounded by alchoholics and stoners. talk about anti-me. yuck.
i guess on the plus side i am working a job i love. well most of the time. i laugh at myself sometimes because work exhausts me and so i say i want to go home. but when i'm home i just want to go to sleep because i can't stand to be around all of my stoned/drunk roomates. and you know me, i generally love weekends: time i can plan and control and chill. and now i hate them. i can't wait for them to be over so i can finally have an escape, a reason to not be in my hell-whole home. maybe i'll just get a second job like i said i would...i already applied to REI but they never called back. i guess i could try EMS or maybe try to get a job at a restaurant or coffee shop. coffee shops at least are almost guarenteed to have cool people working there...hm...another plus is that i finally got back in touch with juju. it's been nice talking to someone not city year and not family.
i think what it really comes down to is i miss home like crazy and i really miss la tasca. but i'm glad to be doing city year...because really i am just here for the kids. *sigh* oh life.