Test Anxiety, Weightloss, and Cooking
I know I've already talked about it, not only on hear, but to several people already. But, it's still an issue that is foremost in my mind: the JLPT. Oh my god. It's like massive test anxiety in my head right now. Last night, in bed, before falling asleep, I wrote on Brian's sleeping back every kanji I could think of and recall. Yesterday I spent three hours writing out kanji 100 times each, and studying for readings others. Today, when I woke up this morning, the first thing I did before getting up, or even really opening my eyes, was try to recall every kanji I could. I am literally starting to eat, breathe, and sleep kanji. I need to know SO MANY by the time I get to this test...
The thing that really makes the acid start bubbling in my gut is that I have no way of knowing WHICH 600 kanji I should study. Oh sure, I know at least 300 or so that I should know, because they're the same as the previous JLPT Level 3 (which is now Level 4, and to pass Level 3 you must "be able" to pass 5 and 4, so, I know I need to know THOSE kanji, which remain mostly the same as prior years). But, there's this 350 or so kanji that people THINK and ASSUME will PROBABLY be on the JLPT 3. There are so many maybes, it's not funny. So, rather than think, "Oh, I only have to study 600 kanji by December," I need to think more like, "I need AT LEAST 600 kanji completely memorized by December, plus all radicals and meanings, and I should aim for around 800 kanji total that I feel comfortable with." Because, I really, really CANNOT know which kanji I need to study. And it's not as if the test is "600 kanji." They will pull out around 20 kanji total for the kanji section. They could all, conceivably, be kanji I didn't study, even if I know 600 other kanji. Also, I need to know not only how to read the kanji, but I need to know the meanings and common usages PLUS readings, because there is a section where I have to identify how the kanji would be read, and a section where I have to CHOOSE THE KANJI FOR THE READING.
In addition to this is vocabulary that I need to memorize, grammar structures that I need to master, and comprehension that I must review. It's like this major wave of things that I suddenly need to know hitting me all at once, with my entire future on the line.
I'm a little surprised that this hasn't added up to major weight gain, which is what usually happens when I'm this stressed out. Instead, I went down from 133.2 yesterday to 132.4 today. I'm still actually techincally "overweight" until I get down to 132 properly, but in reality, I am now on the "heavy side" of the acceptable weight range for my body type. I have until next Saturday to lose two pounds for this week, and then I'll actually be right back on schedule to only lose a pound a week. Optimism is returning with this latest loss.
The only final thing today is that I am tired of cooking. During the weekend is when we eat out the most--at least one meal per day. Ordinarily it's lunch on Saturday and breakast or dinner on Sunday. Part of it is just to give me a break, and let me recharge. I DO NOT ENJOY COOKING. I may be proficient at it, and quick, but this does not mean that I enjoy it. It tires me. I can only muster the emotional strength to really cook two meals per day, and by the weekend, I feel like I'm in a good place if I can get even just one meal done.
That's changing as of now, due to the recent budget scare in our household. I have put a real, strict limit on our budget, and that includes our "Eating Out Fund." In fact, we are allowed to eat out very rarely now, perhaps once a month, if it's in the spirit of making friends, but it will be kept to $20 total or less. Also, because Brian still has not mastered the art of cooking without a recipe, from the ingredients we have, quickly and efficiently, I will be taking over all cooking duties for the duration of this Budget Cut. This means that I will not have ANY DAYS OFF of cooking for months. It's going to cause some serious wear and tear on my mental state, and will definitely cut down on how many meals are interesting or different. I know that dinner is going to get significantly less interesting, and so will bento. Breakfast is at least "you're on your own" but not on the weekends. I'm really, really, really not looking forward to this, especially with this recent need to study hours and hours a day for the JLPT.
Additionally, I am expected to find a job in the near future, which will mean dedicating time every day for applications. I just feel as if I'm putting too much on my plate very suddenly. If I had introduced all these things slowly, I feel as if I'd assimilate them and move on with my life...but all at once, all things that cause my stress level to rise, feels as if I've just been slammed in the face with a brick. I still need to lose weight--so I still need to find the time to exercise for hours. I have to make lunches and dinners to keep food expenses low, and I have to use the ingredients we have to make things, not buy ingredients for meals. I have to study for the JLPT so that I can know all the kanji and vocab and grammar I will need to pass it. I have to apply and try to get a job.
I'm just not at all pleased with this dramatic turn my life has taken, and what is even more irritating is the simultaneous feeling that I've done it all to myself, and that it is all out of my hands. I was the one who gained this weight, so it's my fault that I have to work hard to get it off now. And I was the one who chose Japanese as my proposed second language that I would need to get something like the certificate of proficiency from the JLPT. And I was the one who didn't ask early about our expenses and budgeted accordingly. And I was the one who didn't have multiple jobs all throughout college so that I would have the necessary experience to get a job now. It's like it's all my fault in some ways, but...at the same time. I didn't change my body's metabolism so that it's not as easy to drop weight at 22-23 as it was at 16-17. I didn't just recently change the JLPT test so that study materials for it are useless and the material is unknown. I didn't keep our financial situation on the down-low, leading me to believe we had more money for frivolous spending than we really did (this one is Brian's fault--also his fault is that while I spent most of my college years learning how to cook healthy, quick, efficient, cheap meals, he spent his taking either the easiest way out or creating lavish, time-consuming meals all based off recipes, using ingredients that he wasn't responsible for paying for). I didn't make poor decisions financially years before that caused the Great Depression II to come about, driving jobs way, way down and making it nearly impossible for recent grads to find a place in this new economy.
In the end...it's really just a blame game. Yes, I feel a little punished for good behavior, and yeah, there is some Pity Partying going on. But, on the other hand, I really am just trying to do my best to do some damage control on situations that are beyond my real scope of control. I don't want to say that some things are "all Brian's fault" and other things are "all the government's fault." 'Cause at this point in time, it really doesn't matter who is to blame. It just matters what I do, and what they do, and what happens from here on out.
So, I'm going to do what I can, and hope for better days to come, and move on. These coming weeks are going to be difficult, and I know that I can't expect much support beyond myself, or so experience has taught me, so I'm going to toughen up and buckle down and ride this out to its end. And now, I'm going to go and make lunch. Then, I'll study kanji for a bit. Afterwards, I'll go for a second hour walk today (I already went on one earlier), since it'll have cooled off a little. Then, I will come home and make dinner. After dinner, I'll study some more. When my brain gets tired, I'll do a little cardio and then a little yoga. And then, I'll go to sleep, and tomorrow it'll all start all over again.
The thing that really makes the acid start bubbling in my gut is that I have no way of knowing WHICH 600 kanji I should study. Oh sure, I know at least 300 or so that I should know, because they're the same as the previous JLPT Level 3 (which is now Level 4, and to pass Level 3 you must "be able" to pass 5 and 4, so, I know I need to know THOSE kanji, which remain mostly the same as prior years). But, there's this 350 or so kanji that people THINK and ASSUME will PROBABLY be on the JLPT 3. There are so many maybes, it's not funny. So, rather than think, "Oh, I only have to study 600 kanji by December," I need to think more like, "I need AT LEAST 600 kanji completely memorized by December, plus all radicals and meanings, and I should aim for around 800 kanji total that I feel comfortable with." Because, I really, really CANNOT know which kanji I need to study. And it's not as if the test is "600 kanji." They will pull out around 20 kanji total for the kanji section. They could all, conceivably, be kanji I didn't study, even if I know 600 other kanji. Also, I need to know not only how to read the kanji, but I need to know the meanings and common usages PLUS readings, because there is a section where I have to identify how the kanji would be read, and a section where I have to CHOOSE THE KANJI FOR THE READING.
In addition to this is vocabulary that I need to memorize, grammar structures that I need to master, and comprehension that I must review. It's like this major wave of things that I suddenly need to know hitting me all at once, with my entire future on the line.
I'm a little surprised that this hasn't added up to major weight gain, which is what usually happens when I'm this stressed out. Instead, I went down from 133.2 yesterday to 132.4 today. I'm still actually techincally "overweight" until I get down to 132 properly, but in reality, I am now on the "heavy side" of the acceptable weight range for my body type. I have until next Saturday to lose two pounds for this week, and then I'll actually be right back on schedule to only lose a pound a week. Optimism is returning with this latest loss.
The only final thing today is that I am tired of cooking. During the weekend is when we eat out the most--at least one meal per day. Ordinarily it's lunch on Saturday and breakast or dinner on Sunday. Part of it is just to give me a break, and let me recharge. I DO NOT ENJOY COOKING. I may be proficient at it, and quick, but this does not mean that I enjoy it. It tires me. I can only muster the emotional strength to really cook two meals per day, and by the weekend, I feel like I'm in a good place if I can get even just one meal done.
That's changing as of now, due to the recent budget scare in our household. I have put a real, strict limit on our budget, and that includes our "Eating Out Fund." In fact, we are allowed to eat out very rarely now, perhaps once a month, if it's in the spirit of making friends, but it will be kept to $20 total or less. Also, because Brian still has not mastered the art of cooking without a recipe, from the ingredients we have, quickly and efficiently, I will be taking over all cooking duties for the duration of this Budget Cut. This means that I will not have ANY DAYS OFF of cooking for months. It's going to cause some serious wear and tear on my mental state, and will definitely cut down on how many meals are interesting or different. I know that dinner is going to get significantly less interesting, and so will bento. Breakfast is at least "you're on your own" but not on the weekends. I'm really, really, really not looking forward to this, especially with this recent need to study hours and hours a day for the JLPT.
Additionally, I am expected to find a job in the near future, which will mean dedicating time every day for applications. I just feel as if I'm putting too much on my plate very suddenly. If I had introduced all these things slowly, I feel as if I'd assimilate them and move on with my life...but all at once, all things that cause my stress level to rise, feels as if I've just been slammed in the face with a brick. I still need to lose weight--so I still need to find the time to exercise for hours. I have to make lunches and dinners to keep food expenses low, and I have to use the ingredients we have to make things, not buy ingredients for meals. I have to study for the JLPT so that I can know all the kanji and vocab and grammar I will need to pass it. I have to apply and try to get a job.
I'm just not at all pleased with this dramatic turn my life has taken, and what is even more irritating is the simultaneous feeling that I've done it all to myself, and that it is all out of my hands. I was the one who gained this weight, so it's my fault that I have to work hard to get it off now. And I was the one who chose Japanese as my proposed second language that I would need to get something like the certificate of proficiency from the JLPT. And I was the one who didn't ask early about our expenses and budgeted accordingly. And I was the one who didn't have multiple jobs all throughout college so that I would have the necessary experience to get a job now. It's like it's all my fault in some ways, but...at the same time. I didn't change my body's metabolism so that it's not as easy to drop weight at 22-23 as it was at 16-17. I didn't just recently change the JLPT test so that study materials for it are useless and the material is unknown. I didn't keep our financial situation on the down-low, leading me to believe we had more money for frivolous spending than we really did (this one is Brian's fault--also his fault is that while I spent most of my college years learning how to cook healthy, quick, efficient, cheap meals, he spent his taking either the easiest way out or creating lavish, time-consuming meals all based off recipes, using ingredients that he wasn't responsible for paying for). I didn't make poor decisions financially years before that caused the Great Depression II to come about, driving jobs way, way down and making it nearly impossible for recent grads to find a place in this new economy.
In the end...it's really just a blame game. Yes, I feel a little punished for good behavior, and yeah, there is some Pity Partying going on. But, on the other hand, I really am just trying to do my best to do some damage control on situations that are beyond my real scope of control. I don't want to say that some things are "all Brian's fault" and other things are "all the government's fault." 'Cause at this point in time, it really doesn't matter who is to blame. It just matters what I do, and what they do, and what happens from here on out.
So, I'm going to do what I can, and hope for better days to come, and move on. These coming weeks are going to be difficult, and I know that I can't expect much support beyond myself, or so experience has taught me, so I'm going to toughen up and buckle down and ride this out to its end. And now, I'm going to go and make lunch. Then, I'll study kanji for a bit. Afterwards, I'll go for a second hour walk today (I already went on one earlier), since it'll have cooled off a little. Then, I will come home and make dinner. After dinner, I'll study some more. When my brain gets tired, I'll do a little cardio and then a little yoga. And then, I'll go to sleep, and tomorrow it'll all start all over again.