part3
Reread Part Two.
*
“Crickets? Frogs? Are we sure the plague isn’t coming next?” Faith asked as she plopped down next to Joshua in the cafeteria. Across from them, Carter grinned and didn’t reply.
“It’s war,” Joshua replied simply. He hadn’t talked to Carter about it, but there wasn’t much to say. He knew from Carter’s self-satisfied smirk that he was perfectly content with himself.
“Ew, bugs.” Britney shuddered. “You guys are disgusting.”
“They’re just crickets,” Carter said innocently, mussing his hair more, and Joshua had a brief thought of running his fingers through Carter’s hair, but he was in the middle of the cafeteria with Britney and Faith, and that would have been more than a little odd.
He kept his hands to himself, then, although all he wanted to do was crawl into Carter’s lap and kiss that smirk right off his face.
Maybe Faith had been right after all.
“How long is this war going to go on for?” Britney asked skeptically. “We’re already halfway through camp as it is.”
Joshua glanced at Carter and shrugged. “As long as it goes on,” he replied. It wasn’t as if they’d discussed an end. “It’s just for fun.”
Britney rolled her eyes and muttered something like, “Until someone gets hurt,” under her breath. Joshua ignored her. It seemed lately she had nothing constructive to add and he was getting tired of hearing it.
“It was just a few crickets,” Carter threw in, rolling his eyes at Britney and grinning at Joshua. Joshua’s stomach did another stupid little flip like it had been doing all summer. “Lighten up, Buttercup.”
Britney just frowned darkly. “If this gets too out of hand, I’m telling the campers your real names.”
“You wouldn’t!” Joshua exclaimed, scandalized. “Besides, mine haven’t even tried to guess.”
“One of mine asked me if my name was Shane,” Carter said, snorting. “Do I look like a Shane to you?”
Joshua took him in for a moment, pausing thoughtfully. “Maybe if you still had the eyebrow piercing.”
“Had to take it out,” Carter replied, reaching for his hair again, fingers sweeping through to make it even messier, and Britney rolled her eyes at him. “Got a job in a restaurant and it was just easier to keep it out.”
“That’s too bad,” Joshua replied. “I thought it looked good.”
He didn’t react as Britney elbowed him sharply in the stomach except to shoot her an annoyed look. She looked angry now, again.
“You had an eyebrow piercing?” Faith asked curiously, and Carter grinned at her.
Joshua rubbed at his side, frowning at Britney, who just crossed her arms haughtily and turned away as if he’d done something to offend her. Joshua honestly had no idea what. It was just crickets.
*
‘Just crickets’ didn’t even begin to describe the next few days of agony. Joshua could swear he was losing sleep, lying awake at night listening to crickets hidden in the recesses of the cabin chirping away. If he thought they’d been loud from outside the window, it was nothing to having them inside.
It was making his campers irritable, and Joshua couldn’t blame them. He didn’t think, however, that it warranted the way they’d taken to grumbling at each other. They needed a good night’s sleep and they wouldn’t get it until the last cricket died.
“You pushed me,” Michael said as he stomped through the cabin door, Logan rolling his eyes behind him.
“I did not, you baby.”
Michael didn’t respond, only tossing him a glare as he climbed onto his bunk and the rest of the campers filed in, tired and hot, and just wanting to sleep. Joshua was last, leaving the door open, hoping that maybe the crickets would sense the fresh air and hop to freedom.
“No name calling,” Joshua reprimanded them tiredly. It had been a particularly long, hot day, and it just needed to be over. “We’re not five.”
Logan only rolled his eyes as he dragged his shirt over his head and dumped it on the floor. It fell at Dorian’s feet and Dorian glanced down at it for a second before his eyes flicked to Logan. Joshua didn’t know if it was worth telling Dorian that Logan was a bad idea, in more ways than one. He probably knew already, but then again, he was fifteen.
“What are you looking at?” Logan asked sharply as he caught sight of Dorian watching him. Dorian immediately frowned and looked away.
“Nothing,” he replied as Logan arched an eyebrow, grabbing his shirt off the floor. Joshua flopped onto his bed and sighed, rubbing his forehead.
Logan was watching Dorian suspiciously now as Dorian busied himself straightening his sleeping bag and digging in his bag for his toothbrush. Cautious, Joshua shot them both a glance. Logan wasn’t stupid after all.
“Why don’t you all go get ready for bed? I think we could use the sleep.”
For once, no one argued with him about going to bed on time, and it didn’t take long for everyone to fall into bed, exhausted.
Joshua lay there in the darkness, listening to the boys falling asleep, the soft changes in breathing as they did. The night was warm, warmer than normal, but the whole day had been warmer than normal. Closing his eyes, he tried to fall asleep, to drift into the thoughtless space between night and day, but as he tried, a loud chirp interrupted his peace.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Joshua swore he was going to kill Carter. The cricket chirped again, loud, as if it was hiding under his pillow. He wished it was so he could crush it. Pulling the pillow over his head, he tried to drown out the sound, but it just seemed to get louder and there was no way he was going to be able to sleep.
Throwing the pillow away then, he sighed and stared at the dark bottom of the bunk above him. The cricket chirped again and he couldn’t take it.
Kicking off the sleeping bag, he slipped out of bed, grabbing a pair of sandals and his flashlight. Careful not to wake anyone, he crept to the door and pulled it open. A sliver of pale moonlight fell across the floor, but he stepped out quickly, shutting the door behind him.
Walking quickly, he passed the silent cabins, resisting the urge to step on every cricket that chirped as he went. Instead, he headed for the bathrooms, but he didn’t even have to make it inside to find what he wanted.
Carter was lounging against the stair railing as though he’d been waiting for Joshua to come find him.
“I just came to tell you,” Joshua said as he stopped in front of Carter and Carter waiting patiently, “that I hate you.”
Carter didn’t react for a moment before he smiled, and Joshua refused to budge, but he couldn’t help it when Carter reached out for him, pulling him in closer and tipping his chin up.
“You hate crickets.”
“You, crickets, what’s the difference?” Joshua asked.
“The difference is crickets can’t make it up to you,” Carter murmured, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Joshua’s lips, too soft, too short to mean anything more than what it always did. A part of Joshua wished it meant more, but he didn’t say anything about it. Instead, he sighed and slid a hand into Carter’s hair that he’d been itching to touch the past few days. It was soft and thick as usual, and Carter hummed his appreciation, kissing Joshua harder.
“We can’t do this here,” Joshua murmured a second later, breath short as he pulled away, glancing around quickly. For a second, he thought he saw something move behind a tree, but it was probably just a squirrel… or a giant cricket knowing his luck. He almost lost all resolution as Carter’s stubble scraped along his jaw and his mouth slid down to his neck.
“Boat house?”
Joshua knew he should get back to his cabin, but it was hard to say no with Carter’s tongue lapping at his neck, a slow teasing slide that made his fingers tighten and his stomach bottom out.
“Boat house,” he agreed with a shiver, and he could only feel Carter’s smile against his neck for a second before Carter was sliding an arm around his neck and leading him away from the bathroom and the safety of his cabin.
*
For the first time in days, Joshua slept well, but he thought it had more to do with the memory of Carter’s mouth skimming down his body than anything else, especially considering the one, stubborn cricket who refused to die. He woke up to sunny skies, still a tad bit too warm, but he somehow felt like it was going to be a better day.
“Wakey, wakey!” he called to his boys as the trumpets went off at eight AM sharp.
He was mostly met with grumbles and boys rolling over into their pillows, like every morning.
“Get up!” he said brightly, flipping on the light even though there was already plenty of sunshine streaming in.
“Why are you so happy?” Logan grumbled as Joshua shook his shoulder before moving on to Ewan below him.
“It’s a beautiful day,” Joshua replied. “And I think I actually slept, so get on up! You’re making candles today in arts and crafts!”
No one seemed to share his enthusiasm, but one by one, they finally rolled out of bed. Dorian was awake, eyes following Joshua as Joshua got dressed and tried to hurry everyone along. They had a bad habit of being late for breakfast and he was eager to break it.
“Hey, Dorian, you okay?” he asked when he turned around to find Dorian watching him.
“Fine,” Dorian replied simply, looking away finally. He rummaged in his bag for clothes as Logan dropped down from his bunk, smacking Dorian’s shoulder as he passed. Looking up, Dorian frowned slightly but didn’t say anything.
They were actually late to breakfast but only because Ewan found the last cricket hiding in his shoe. He shrieked for a second as he dropped the shoe and the cricket bounced out onto the floor.
“Get it!” Joshua cried and three boys dove, colliding on the floor, but the cricket was caught and dropped unceremoniously outside.
“When are we getting Cedar cabin back for the crickets?” Logan asked as they headed to breakfast.
“We have to think of something really good,” Joshua replied as they filed down the path along with the rest of the cabins making their way to breakfast.
“So let’s think of something!”
“Yeah!” the rest of the boys agreed. Dorian kept quiet, watching Joshua closely.
“I’m not the only one with ideas, you know,” he pointed out, holding the cafeteria door open for Britney’s cabin that was passing in front of them. “Plus, great ideas take time.”
“Well, Cedar’s winning,” Logan argued as Joshua led the way in to the cafeteria. “We have to do something.”
“We will,” Joshua assured him as they sat down. Dorian climbed onto the space across from Joshua, frowning slightly. “Patience is a virtue, you know.”
“I’m fifteen,” Logan pointed out, rolling his eyes. “Who cares about patience?”
“Good things take time.”
Logan rolled his eyes again, elbowing Michael in the side. Michael looked over, pushing his black hair out of his eyes.
“How do we know Cedar isn’t planning some other kind of ambush?” Michael asked. “Maybe they’re going to do something else before we retaliate. We should do something now.”
“Do what exactly?” Joshua asked, glancing over at Cedar cabin. Carter was talking with his kids, and Joshua repressed his smile as he turned away. “What’s your brilliant plan?”
When neither Michael nor Logan replied, Joshua nodded.
“Exactly. You can’t just run into war without a plan. So take some time and think of something and we’ll talk about it.”
Logan looked skeptical. “What about ambush wars?”
“Still need a plan,” Joshua pointed out, reaching for his water glasses as Dorian watched him. “What?”
Dorian shook his head quickly. “Nothing,” he said, although Joshua thought he sounded a little evasive when he did.
“Today’s gonna be a good day,” he just said, glancing around at his campers, who looked much more well-rested than normal. “I can tell.”
*
“You look better today,” Carter said as he caught Joshua just before they entered the cafeteria. Joshua had just dropped his campers off at arts and crafts, smiling at the extremely skeptical looks they’d had on their faces when faced with Alex and the prospect of hot wax.
“Oh, thanks,” Joshua joked, pausing before the door, not pushing it open yet. “Does that mean I looked bad yesterday?”
“Not bad,” Carter offered easily, giving him a very obvious once-over, and Joshua only smirked slightly. “Just tired.”
“You can thank your infernal crickets for that,” Joshua shot back. “But don’t get too cocky over there, Mr. Oberon. Dogwood cabin is not out of the running.”
“I would expect nothing less,” Carter replied seriously before leaning in closer. “I was thinking about last night.”
“Yeah?” Joshua asked, trying not to get his hopes up that it meant more than it did.
“We should do that more often,” Carter went on, skimming a hand up Joshua’s arm before checking that no one was around, but they were alone. The only voices were coming from inside the cafeteria, but there was no one outside.
“Yeah,” Joshua agreed, glancing into Carter’s eyes, wondering if he was thinking the same thing, but he couldn’t tell. Carter was just smiling, the same smile he always had, nothing different about it. Joshua wondered if there was a different smile, if he might ever see it. “Yeah, we should.”
“It sucks that we’re counselors now,” Carter said regretfully, dropping his hand to his side as he sighed. “It’s much harder to sneak off with all the responsibilities.”
Joshua nodded slowly.
“But I guess it doesn’t matter,” Carter said, reaching for the door to the cafeteria and pulling it open. “I won’t be coming back next year anyway.”
“What?” Joshua asked sharply as Carter held open the door for him but he didn’t go in. A quick glance told him that Britney and Faith were inside, Britney painting her fingernails a bright pink and Faith gazing out the window. “Why not?”
Carter shrugged. “Next year, I’ll have to start thinking about stuff like internships or getting a real job, you know? We can’t stay in camp forever.”
Joshua’s brain had stopped working as he stared at Carter. It had never crossed his mind that Carter might not come back to camp. He’d certainly never considered it, although of the two of them, his schooling was more likely to put a stop to camp. He’d have to take on internships within the next few years if he had any hope of actually accomplishing something.
“What internships?” he asked stupidly while Carter arched an eyebrow as if Joshua should just get it.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged again. “Magazines, newspapers, you know.”
Joshua didn’t know but he was more concerned with the fact that Carter wouldn’t be coming back.
“So you’re just not coming back?” he asked dimly. Carter cocked his head to the side, his smile slightly confused now.
“Hey, what’s the big deal?”
Blinking, Joshua shook his head quickly. “Nothing,” he said, telling himself to get it together. He was being stupid. What did it matter if he never saw Carter again?
Except it did matter.
He couldn’t imagine a summer without seeing Carter, without talking to him, being with him. He’d always known that he’d have to grow up someday, but he didn’t want to do it without Carter.
“Nothing,” he said again, letting out a breath and avoiding Carter’s eyes as he finally stepped through the open door. Carter looked skeptical but he didn’t push it and just followed Joshua in, the door swinging shut behind them.
*
“Could we drop scorpions in their cabin?” Logan asked, and Joshua sighed heavily, setting down his fork from where he’d mostly been pushing his mashed potatoes into a pile in the center of his plate.
“Of course not,” he said tiredly. “Besides, where do you expect to find scorpions out here? We’re in the middle of the woods.”
Looking annoyed, Logan grumbled something about pet stores but didn’t respond otherwise. Dorian was watching him but looked away when Logan shot him a glare.
“Look, I know you want to get them back,” Joshua said, glancing at Cedar cabin and Carter down at the end. He paused a second but shook himself mentally. “But we have to be smart about it. We can’t just do something stupid.”
“Why not?” Michael asked.
“Because we’re not stupid,” Joshua explained calmly. “We have to show Cedar cabin that or they’ll just take advantage. It’s basic war strategy.”
Dorian was eyeing him now, as if trying to glean more from his words than there was.
“War strategy?” he asked skeptically.
“Yeah, you know,” Logan butted in before Joshua could respond, “stealth, secrecy, not that you’d know anything about that.”
Dorian frowned now, expression darkening, and Joshua sighed. Couldn’t they leave it alone for two seconds?
He looked over at Carter again while Logan went on about being stealth and how Dorian obviously lacked that quality due to his obvious crush on Jenny. Joshua wondered if Carter ever thought about him during the school year. He wondered if Carter had ever thought about sending him a message on facebook but stopped himself. Joshua sure knew he had.
“I know something you don’t!” Dorian said loudly, bringing Joshua’s attention back to the table and he sighed, annoyed.
“That’s enough,” he said firmly. “Can’t you just stop picking at each other for one night? After dinner, there’s a short counselors meeting. You guys are going to go to the field for a twilight football game. Please try not to kill each other.”
Neither Logan nor Dorian looked happy, but they were finally quiet, and Joshua took a moment to revel in it. He just needed to be able to think and he couldn’t do it with them picking at each other all the time.
“We’ll talk about the war stuff later,” he promised them as dinner ended and he herded them off to the field. He left them looking less than happy, but there was really nothing he could do. He was starting to regret signing up for fifteen year olds, not that he’d really had a choice.
The meeting was just a required mid-summer check-in and Joshua spent most of his time watching Carter at the table next to his. Once or twice, Britney elbowed him in the side, much to his annoyance.
“What?” he hissed the second time it happened. The director was in the middle of explaining proper cabin cleaning procedures, but Joshua had heard it for five years now and had no interest in cleaning the crevices.
Britney shot him a look that was obviously supposed to mean something but he had no idea what. Ignoring her then, he settled back in his seat, eyes drifting back to Carter as Carter ran a hand backwards through his hair to make it perfectly mussed. Joshua wished he could know what he was thinking.
“Could you be any more obvious?” Britney asked as the meeting was dismissed and the scraping of chairs covered her hissed question. Joshua only frowned.
“Could you be any more annoying?” he asked instead. “I still have no idea what your problem is.”
“Of course you don’t,” she said, rolling her eyes and tossing her hair back. It nearly whipped him in the face, but she just turned sharply and joined the other counselors leaving. Joshua frowned as he watched her go but he couldn’t find any answers in her retreating back, so he shook his head and went to collect his cabin instead.
*
The campers were quiet… which was just weird. They had been quiet since Joshua had picked them up from the field and the entire walk back. Logan hadn’t even picked on Dorian, and Dorian had been especially quiet, tossing glances at Joshua every now and again.
“Alright,” Joshua said as they trooped into the cabin and he shut the door behind them. The boys dispersed to their own beds, although they kept tossing him strange glances. “What exactly happened tonight?”
They seemed to exchange glances for a moment before Logan stepped forward boldly.
“You’re sleeping with the enemy!”
So much for a good day.
“What?” Joshua asked, completely caught off guard.
Logan’s stance was challenging and Logan shot a glance at Dorian, who was sitting on the edge of his bed, watching Joshua too, along with everyone else in the cabin.
“Dorian saw you,” Logan said accusingly, and Joshua frowned, glancing at Dorian, who for once didn’t shy away from confrontation.
“I saw you last night,” he said firmly, “kissing the counselor from Cedar - Oberon.”
Joshua stared for a second, unsure what to do. Logan was still staring at him accusingly, and the rest of the boys looked suspicious now too. He felt as if he was sitting in a very bright spotlight as all faces turned to him.
“That’s why you didn’t want us to retaliate,” Logan spat as Joshua paused, trying to think. “Because you’re helping them!”
Joshua couldn’t help rolling his eyes at how overdramatic he was being. “That’s ridiculous,” he replied calmly, but no one looked reassured. If anything, they looked even more skeptical. “I’m on your side.”
“Yeah?” Michael asked. “How do we know that?”
“You lied to us,” Logan accused him. “I mean, you’re a f-”
Standing up so quickly Logan actually took a step back, Joshua held his gaze, eyes hard.
“If I hear so much as one derogatory comment about anyone in this cabin, whoever said it will be sent straight to the director,” he said, voice hard, casting a glance around the cabin. No one moved, all eyes on him. Dorian seemed to shrink a little on his bed as Joshua stepped back. His heart was thrumming rapidly with a mix of shock and anger. He told himself to be calm, though. He had to be calm.
For a second, Logan actually looked something other than overly-confident as Joshua’s eyes landed on him again.
“First of all, I didn’t tell you because my personal life is none of your business, and second of all, it has no effect on what side I’m on. I’m on your side because you’re my cabin. I think you may have forgotten about the friendly part of this competition.”
“You’re not a little too friendly?” Michael asked, though, a skeptical eyebrow raised, and Joshua sighed.
“It’s not like I’m giving him trade secrets,” Joshua scoffed. “Besides, have I ever done anything to indicate I was helping them?”
“You didn’t want us to retaliate,” Logan jumped in sharply.
“I didn’t want you to retaliate stupidly,” Joshua corrected him, sighing. He couldn’t believe this was happening to him. “There’s a difference.”
Glancing around at the rest of the campers, he found a mixture of suspicion and confusion etched on their faces. He honestly didn’t know how to convince them. They were going to believe what they wanted.
“But you’re hooking up with him, right?” Logan asked baldly, and Joshua wondered how many times he could sigh before he just ran out of air.
“You don’t understand,” he replied, shaking his head. “You’re too young. The two things aren’t linked.”
“Aren’t they?” Sam asked from his bunk, brown eyes peering owlishly out from behind where he was hugging his pillow.
“No,” Joshua replied. “Now I don’t want to hear any more about this. Do you believe that I’m not helping Cedar?”
There was a general muttering of reluctant yeses although Logan still looked suspicious. Shaking his head, Joshua sunk back onto his bunk. How he could have possibly thought it was going to be a good day was beyond him. It was now quite possibly turning into the worst day of the summer so far.
A few of the boys turned away finally, rummaging in their bags for their toothbrushes. Logan tossed Joshua a look before climbing onto his bunk and ignoring when Michael tried to talk to him. Dorian, for his part, didn’t look too abashed, staring up at Logan’s bunk instead. A part of Joshua wondered if he’d been that stupid when he was fifteen too.
It wasn’t long before they were all getting ready for bed and heading off to brush their teeth. Joshua reminded them vaguely to take a buddy, but he remained lying on his bed, watching them pair off and leave. Sam, however, paused on his way by.
“So, are you and Oberon, like, dating?” he asked curiously, and Joshua frowned, glancing at him. He didn’t look accusing, though, just curious.
“Not really, no,” he answered when he decided the damage had already been done. There was no point in hiding anything, and Sam didn’t seem angry at all, just genuinely interested. Sam was a good kid, he thought vaguely.
“That must be nice,” Sam said, and Joshua raised an eyebrow this time, confused. He saw Dorian pass by with Gus, not looking at him.
“What makes you say that?”
Sam shrugged. “Girls would never do that.”
Joshua didn’t feel the need to correct him. They didn’t need to be corrupted any more than they already were. He’d find out soon enough what girls would and wouldn’t do. Instead, he quirked a small smile.
“Go brush your teeth,” he told him and Sam took a step towards the door but paused and looked back.
“I believe you, just so you know.”
“Thanks,” Joshua said, lying back as Sam left with Ewan.
What a great day.
*
“I can’t believe he sold me out.”
Carter sighed, pushing himself up from where he lay on the grass next to Joshua, a leg thrown over his and pushed up against Joshua’s inner thigh, but Joshua was just frowning at the dark sky. It was scattered with stars and the moon was barely a sliver now, reflecting off the lake down the hill.
“I can’t believe you got me up at midnight just to complain about your campers,” he replied, brushing Joshua’s hair off his forehead, but Joshua couldn’t be distracted as he glanced at Carter.
“I told him something personal, just between us, to help him, and he threw it right back in my face.”
“He’s fifteen,” Carter replied calmly, leaning back in to Joshua’s neck where he’d been busy trying to distract him before. “And he’s the odd one out. He just wants to be liked.”
“By telling secrets?” Joshua asked, still annoyed. “I thought, considering what he told me, that he’d want to keep things like that to himself, that he’d understand.”
He felt Carter huff slightly, clearly giving up. Carter moved back, gazing at him through the darkness.
“He’s fifteen,” he said again. “He doesn’t know what he wants.”
Joshua frowned at Carter’s imploring look.
“Now be quiet and let’s do what you dragged me out here to do.”
Carter’s mouth was soft, lips pressing against Joshua’s, and it felt nice, like it always did, but something was wrong. Carter’s hand slid around to his jaw, fingers brushing against his neck, and Joshua kissed him back slowly, but it was only a minute before Joshua pushed him away.
“What?” Carter asked, fingers still resting against Joshua’s neck, and Joshua could feel something strange in his stomach, like it was bunching up on itself, somehow making it difficult to breathe.
“What if I dragged you out here to talk?” he asked, searching Carter’s eyes, and only getting slight confusion.
“Er, okay,” Carter said slowly. “But there are better things we could be doing.”
“What do you mean, better?”
“Well, more fun,” Carter replied, pressing kisses to Joshua’s jaw, heading towards his mouth, but Joshua turned away at the last minute, and Carter gave him a strange look. “Are you okay?”
Joshua sighed. He didn’t really have an answer to that question.
“What if I wanted to talk to you?” he asked instead, watching Carter closely. Carter just shrugged.
“You can talk to me,” he said, sounding confused. “What do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know,” Joshua said, pushing up onto his elbows, and Carter was forced back too. “School, life, what you thought about the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie, who was your favorite Spice Girl, what you wanted to be when you were a kid.”
“You want to talk about all of that stuff?”
“Yes! I mean, not right now, but eventually, you know?” Joshua stared at Carter, willing him to understand, but Carter was just frowning.
“No, I don’t,” he said finally as Joshua sighed, rubbing his forehead. “What are you saying?”
“I want to talk to you,” Joshua said imploringly. “Outside of camp. I want to know what’s happening with you. I want to be able to call you when something happens and I need someone to tell. I want to be more than… this.”
Carter’s expression changed slowly from confusion to understanding, but he still frowned.
“Why?”
“Why?” Joshua repeated incredulously. “Because I like you.”
“I like you too,” Carter said, but he was still frowning, and Joshua knew he didn’t get it.
“No, I like you,” he said seriously, watching Carter nervously. “And I want more than just the summers. I don’t want to go home feeling like I did last year. I don’t want to suffer through another year of school without at least knowing there’s someone who cares.”
“What are you talking about?”
Sitting up completely, Joshua pulled his knees up to his chest, gazing out at the calm surface of the lake. It was another warm night, a light breeze coming off the water and rustling the grass around him.
“Last year sucked,” he said plainly, glancing at Carter. “I hated my school, I didn’t have any friends, and the only time I actually hooked up with someone, the guy was a total asshole afterwards.”
“You didn’t have friends?” Carter asked skeptically. “You’re one of the most social guys I know.”
“I had friends,” Joshua admitted, rolling his eyes. “But they were just people to go to parties with. They weren’t real friends.” He sighed. “That’s not the point anyway.”
“Well, what’s the point?”
Turning to Carter, Joshua looked at him seriously, heart battering furiously, stomach twisting into knots as a part of himself begged him not to say anything.
“Are we dating?” he asked plainly, and his stomach clenched a little as Carter gave a half a smile and laughed.
“No,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “Why would we be dating?”
“What if I wanted to?”
Carter’s expression changed slowly, smile falling, and he didn’t reply as Joshua shifted to face him completely.
Joshua swallowed nervously. “Carter, I really like you and I’m tired of pretending this is just… whatever it is, because it’s not for me.”
Carter was quiet for another minute, looking as though he was trying to figure something out until he shook his head.
“We can’t date,” he said slowly. “We don’t even live near each other.”
“So?” Joshua frowned when Carter looked away from him. He could feel the thrum of his heartbeat against his Adam’s apple, the nervous boom, boom of each beat.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Carter said finally, and Joshua felt his heart sink, stomach unknotting into an empty pit.
“Why not?”
“We’re friends,” Carter replied simply. “We’re just messing around, having fun, you know? It’s not supposed to be serious. I don’t want to mess it up.”
“I just messed it up,” Joshua pointed out sharply. “I just told you that I liked you and… obviously, you don’t feel the same.”
Carter gave him a look. “Come on, you know I like you.”
“Not the same way,” Joshua said obviously as Carter sighed, frowning. “You just… you just want to be friends, don’t you?” he asked, biting his bottom lip as Carter looked away.
“No, I like what we’re doing,” Carter replied and Joshua shook his head.
“What are we doing? Fucking around? Ignoring each other all year? Do you know how many times I thought about sending you a message or calling you? But I didn’t because this is all we’re doing, but I don’t want to do it anymore. I want more.”
“Sorry, but I don’t,” Carter said finally.
Joshua stared at him for a moment, feeling like something inside of him was breaking up into tiny little pieces and slowly falling apart. Carter wasn’t looking at him, instead staring out at the dark surface of the lake, and Joshua swallowed, taking a breath that seemed to come shorter now. The air was too warm, almost suffocating, and the breeze coming off the water did nothing to relieve the pressure.
He didn’t know if he was more angry or disappointed as he pushed himself to his feet.
“I guess Faith was right,” he muttered, standing up, and Carter frowned back on the ground.
“What does she have to do with anything?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Joshua replied sharply. “You don’t care. I was stupid for even thinking… But, you’re right. We don’t have to do it. We don’t have to do anything anymore. After this summer, you can just forget that I ever existed. It’s fine.” There was a lump in his throat that wasn’t going away as he huffed out a breath.
He should have known this would happen. Of course Carter didn’t want to be with him. They were just friends. Just friends who happened to sleep together.
“It’s fine,” he repeated, a little too loudly. “You know, it’s probably better this way, end it before anyone gets hurt or attached or… whatever. Maybe it’s too late anyway, but at least I won’t have to worry about it anymore, and I won’t have to think about you.” He nodded, more to himself since Carter still wasn’t looking at him. “It’ll be better.” His throat was closing up as he tried to suck in a breath. “Who wants to be happy anyway?”
“Josh,” Carter said slowly, but Joshua took a step back.
“No,” he interrupted. “I get it. You don’t want to. Fine. I have to get back to my cabin.”
“I don’t want you to be mad,” Carter said anyway as Joshua turned around and started to leave, but he turned on his heel a few steps away.
“I’m not mad,” he replied quietly. “I don’t really feel anything right now.” He was glad it was dark as he bit his bottom lip, feeling the unmistakable prick of tears at the corner of his eyes. The lump in his throat was blocking the air passage as he took another step back, further away from Carter. “It’s my own fault. It really is.”
Carter didn’t say anything, still sitting on the grass, hands in his lap, and Joshua let out a shaky breath as he backed away.
“Just don’t talk to me anymore, okay? I can’t talk to you anymore.”
Joshua turned before Carter could reply, not that he thought he was going to. Rubbing at his face with a hard hand, Joshua sucked in a breath and blinked away the hot prick in his eyes, disappearing down the darkened path and leaving Carter behind.
*
Joshua woke up the next morning feeling like something big and hairy had stomped on his chest, both literally and figuratively. His campers were still wary from the night before, so when he got them up with less enthusiasm as usual, none of them said a thing. Joshua didn’t even bother giving Dorian a disappointed look as he told them all to get dressed.
The sun was bright outside, but it couldn’t brighten his mood as they walked to breakfast.
He wasn’t sure how he felt. He was… hurt, if he was honest with himself. It wasn’t as if he’d expected Carter to declare passionate love for him and say he’d just been waiting for Joshua to bring it up, but he hadn’t expected a flat-out rejection. Somehow, he’d thought that three years had meant more than that, but apparently he was as naïve as every other person who’d ever fallen for a friend with benefits. He should have known better, and that thought didn’t cheer him up in the least.
He was angry too, despite whatever he’d told Carter. He was angry with himself for being so stupid, for opening himself up for what could only be pain. Three years ago, though, it hadn’t seemed like a bad idea. He hadn’t expected it to go on for this long or get this complicated.
Now, though, now it hurt to know that he was about to step into the cafeteria where Carter would be, where he couldn’t talk to him, didn’t want to.
“Maybe we could steal something,” Michael was saying as they settled into their table.
Joshua was only half paying attention. The rest of his concentration was on not looking at Carter’s table. He didn’t want to look, knowing it would only bring up a welling of emotions that he couldn’t deal with, not right now. His cabin didn’t need to know what had happened. They were already suspicious enough and he didn’t need any more arguments at the moment.
“Steal what?” Logan asked skeptically, shooting a glance as Joshua as if he was about to step in and put a damper on their revenge, but Joshua was rubbing his forehead and staring at his orange juice.
He knew he should be paying attention, if only to make sure Logan didn’t do anything stupid, but what did he know about preventing stupidity? What qualifications did he really have to be a counselor? He was just as stupid as the rest of them, only he had more scars to prove it.
Michael shrugged, picking up a piece of bacon with his fingers. “Their shirts?”
Logan’s lip curled slightly at Michael’s suggestion.
“Their dirty magazines?” Dorian muttered under his breath, and Logan looked between them, eyebrows furrowed with annoyance.
“You guys are useless,” he complained. Dorian frowned slightly. Michael wasn’t affected as he reached for his orange juice. Logan scoffed at their attitudes, turning to Joshua. “Tramp?”
“Hm?” Joshua asked dully. His head felt as though there was something inside of it, taking up all the space and making concentrating hard. He was acutely aware of Carter sitting a few tables away, but he wouldn’t turn.
“Could we take something from Cedar cabin?”
Joshua blinked for a second before sighing and scrubbing the back of his neck. “As long as they get it back.”
Joshua didn’t feel like doing anything with Cedar cabin at the moment. He would have been perfectly content to let this war fizzle out, but he knew he was too far in at this point. The boys were invested, and really, it was his fault. Everything was his fault lately.
“Shoes,” Sam piped up from down the table, and Logan turned towards him curiously. “We could take their shoes.”
“Throw them up a tree?” Michael asked, but Logan shook his head, a gleam in his eye.
“Set them out in a canoe,” he said instead, smiling slowly.
Joshua didn’t offer an opinion. As long as they weren’t plotting to drown someone, he didn’t need to worry.
“Can we do it tonight?” Logan demanded, turning his gaze to Joshua, who hesitated. He didn’t want to see Carter, even if it was while he was asleep.
“I don’t know about tonight,” he said slowly, and Logan exchanged a glance with Michael.
“Why?” he asked, tone almost suspicious. “Have other plans?”
“Logan,” Joshua said warningly, and Logan just stared back.
“Do you?” he asked challengingly.
Sighing, Joshua set his fork down with a clink. “No,” he replied, slightly cold. “But remember that I am the counselor and what I say goes. If you want special privileges like going out at night, you better start acting a bit more mature than you have been. Do you understand?”
Logan stared at him for another moment before quirking an eyebrow and sitting back.
“Okay,” Joshua said, glancing around at the rest of his cabin, none of whom seemed interested in getting in the middle. “We’ll see how today goes. If you can prove that you’re actually responsible, maybe tonight, you can have your revenge.”
Logan looked appeased at the very least, although Joshua wasn’t sure he’d actually gotten through to him. He just hoped they could get through a day without hurt feelings and accusations. He realized how ludicrous that sounded as soon as he thought it, but he really needed to keep it together or Logan would walk all over him.
He had to pull it together, he told himself firmly, but when Carter walked past later with his cabin, Joshua couldn’t help the way his heart fell or the twist of pain as he looked away, wishing it just didn’t hurt so much.
*
“You’re awfully quiet,” Britney commented suspiciously as she and Joshua left their cabins with Alex at arts and crafts, none of them looking particularly excited when Alex had announced they were doing tie-dye.
“Camp isn’t as fun as I remember it,” he muttered, walking with Britney towards the cafeteria. For the first time, in possibly his life, Joshua just wanted camp to be over. The remaining three weeks seemed so very long at this point.
“You’re a counselor now,” Britney pointed out as the cafeteria loomed into view past the trees. The front door was open and Joshua could see Faith sitting at one of the tables talking to someone out of sight. “You have to actually be responsible.”
“It’s not about responsibility,” Joshua replied dully. “It’s-”
He stopped as they reached the door and he caught sight of Carter. He was the one Faith was talking to. He looked up, though, as Joshua stopped dead a few feet from the door.
“What are you doing?” Britney asked, an eyebrow raised as he took a step back, a sense of panic overtaking him. He didn’t know why it was panic that filled him when faced with sharing the same space as Carter, but he couldn’t bring himself to go in, and Britney was still giving him a quizzical look.
“I’m kind of tired,” he said instead, taking another step away from the door. Britney was frowning, obviously confused and probably a little annoyed if the look on her face meant anything. “I think I’m just gonna go… just go, yeah.”
He was a coward, he thought, as he turned quickly and left Britney staring after him. He was a coward and an idiot, and he wanted to spend the rest of camp curled up in his bunk like one of his immature fifteen year olds. He wasn’t fifteen anymore. This wasn’t supposed to happen to him!
It was happening, though, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. Carter had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want anything more, and Joshua couldn’t pretend he didn’t anymore. Breaking up (if he could really break up something that wasn’t even anything) was the best option. He just wished it didn’t have to hurt so much.
Joshua did go back to his cabin, but he didn’t rest or hide in his bunk. Instead, he dropped to his knees, prying up the loose floorboard to find the little dusty box hidden there. He brushed off the top layer of dust and set the board back, rising and leaving the cabin, the box held tightly in his hand.
The camp was filled with laughter, the sounds of happy children playing around every corner. Birds twittered in the trees and other, probably adorable, woodland creatures rustled the bushes. Joshua just wanted to kick them for being so happy when he was so unhappy.
He mastered the urge, though, as he headed for his favorite spot in camp. Admittedly, it was probably only his favorite spot because of Carter.
It was just a little niche in the trees, a small carved out area overlooking the lake. The sun always seemed to come in just at the right angle, dappled through the leaves and splattering shadows like paint on the grass. It was quiet here, though, just far enough from the lake that the voices didn’t carry and hidden amongst the trees that blocked out any other sounds from the rest of camp.
Settling down on the dried grass that crinkled underneath him, Joshua sighed, gazing out at the lake. A cabin was out in the canoes but he didn’t know which one it was. It didn’t matter. He didn’t try to make out the counselor. Instead, he stared out at the water, the sun shimmering off the top of the ripples made by the canoes.
For the first time in five years, he didn’t want to be at camp. He’d rather be back at home working some crappy job at a fast food restaurant than have to be here with the prospect of seeing Carter every day for the next three weeks and knowing it was over.
Sitting crossed legged on the grass, Joshua turned the box over in his hands idly. It was a small box, a faded pink under the dust with little white flowers painted around the rim. There was a faded metal latch but the box wasn’t locked. His fingers played idly with the latch, flipping it open and closed. He couldn’t remember the last time the box had been opened - probably three years ago when he’d put it under the floorboard in the first place.
Joshua just wanted to stay on that hillside forever. He never wanted to go back to the cafeteria, to face Carter knowing that Carter didn’t want him. But he wasn’t an emotional teenager anymore. He couldn’t just run away from his problems.
He always did, though. Every summer, he escaped his problems by running off to camp. He left behind his cell phone, his computer, and everything tying him to a real life. For two months every year, he pretended it didn’t exist. He pretended that he wouldn’t return to something less than perfect, to the things he dealt with all year round.
His mother had always called him an escapist, always running from something, hiding from the truth, living in a fantasy world. He hadn’t used to think it was a bad thing, but since he’d gone to college, it had just seemed to make things worse.
As he sat on the hillside, he just wished that time could rewind and he could fix all this, although he knew that even if he did, he wouldn’t have been happy.
Joshua sighed, setting the box down in his lap and picking at a piece of dried grass. He broke it into little pieces, glancing up as someone appeared over the crest of the hill. It was Britney in her sandals and khaki skirt, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she approached him and Joshua looked away. He wasn’t really in the mood for another argument about him neglecting his counselor duties.
“I recognize that box,” she said as she stopped in front of him, glancing down at the box in his lap.
“How?” he asked skeptically, glancing up and blinking in the glare of the sun behind her.
“You stole it from me three years ago,” she replied simply, and Joshua frowned slightly.
“Is that why you’ve been mad at me all summer?”
Britney rolled her eyes, hands falling to her hips. “It was three years ago.”
Joshua didn’t understand why she felt the need to interrupt his solitude. He really just wanted to be alone. Instead, he sighed and looked out at the lake. One of the canoes had overturned and a couple kids were flailing in the water.
“So did you come to say you told me so?” he asked dully, picking at the grass again. He knew Britney wasn’t dumb despite the blonde hair and the name. She obviously knew something was wrong, but it didn’t take a genius to figure it out.
“You guys had a fight?” she asked instead of responding to his question. Joshua scoffed and tossed away a handful of dead grass.
“Not a fight, no, not really. We broke up, or broke up whatever it was we were doing. He… he didn’t want to be with me, I guess.”
It hurt to say it, like it somehow made it real. Biting his bottom lip, he looked away from Britney. It was too sunny out, he decided as he rubbed at his face slowly. It still felt like some sort of weird, surreal dream. He’d wake up tomorrow and Carter would be there smiling at him.
Britney watched him in silence for a moment before sitting down next to him decidedly. Joshua only eyed her suspiciously. It wasn’t as if he and Britney had ever been particularly close. He always thought she’d hated him a little since he’d been part of the plan to lock the girls out of their cabins in only towels when they were fifteen.
“What’s in the box?” she asked bluntly. No one had ever said she was the sensitive type.
Joshua glanced down at the box in his lap, playing with the latch again. “Nothing. Just stupid stuff.”
Britney gave him an obvious look. “Like what?”
Joshua sighed. He was tired and annoyed, and Britney was not helping at all. He flipped open the box, though, pulling out a folded and wrinkled photograph and tossing it into her lap. Britney smoothed it out slowly on her knee, gazing down at the faces of Joshua and Carter.
The photograph wasn’t that old, only a few years, but after being stuck in a box for the majority of the time, it was faded, a crease down the middle, running right between Joshua and Carter, both grinning for the camera.
“See?” he asked. “Just stupid stuff.”
He dug in the box, coming up with a long-faded glowstick, a smoothed rock shaped like a heart, and a folded piece of paper that Joshua paused before pulling out.
“What’s that?” Britney asked, ignoring the rest of the useless, meaningless trinkets in the box.
Joshua didn’t answer right away. The paper was folded over several times, edges tucked into some complicated pattern.
“Tramp?”
Shaking himself, Joshua glanced at Britney.
“You remember how they used to make us write down things we liked about our cabinmates? You know, to ‘increase the bond’ or whatever?”
Britney shrugged, eyes on the paper as Joshua’s fingers tightened.
“I never gave Oberon his. I kept it.”
It seemed so stupid now, as he looked back on it. Why had he kept it? Why this long? He should have thrown it out years ago. Things always seemed to be coming back to bite him in the ass, especially lately.
Unfolding the paper, he stared down at the words he’d written three years ago, the first summer he’d met Carter, back when he’d been a stupid sixteen year old.
“‘You’re really hot,’” he read dully, wishing he had thrown this out years ago. “‘And I’m glad you kissed me back or I would have felt really stupid. I think you’re really cool and smart, and I wish someone like you would notice me somewhere other than at camp. But I’m glad you did, and I really like you. I hope you come back next year.’”
He remembered writing it, remembered scribbling it down with everyone else, but when it had come time to give the papers to the counselor, he couldn’t bring himself to do it for some reason, stuffing it in his pocket. He remembered the one he’d received from Carter. It had said something cheeky about liking the sounds he made and then a suggestion to sneak away that evening. It had made Joshua glad he hadn’t sent his note, and instead, he’d stuffed it in the box along with everything else.
“So you’ve loved him since the beginning?” Britney asked, and Joshua sighed, crumpling up the note.
“I didn’t love him,” he replied obviously. “And I don’t now. All I wanted was… I don’t know, something more.”
Britney gave him a skeptical look as she handed back the photograph. “So you broke up with him instead?”
“Oh, come on,” Joshua sneered, feeling tired. “Like you don’t know what happened. I know you think Faith was right, that the whole friends with benefits is a joke, and guess what? You were right. Does that make you feel better? Because it sure as hell doesn’t make me feel any better.” Snatching back the photograph, he stuffed it in the box, making a mental note to throw the entire thing in the campfire the first chance he got.
Britney actually looked slightly insulted, but Joshua didn’t care. She was always giving him dirty looks anyway. It was about time she got some of her own medicine.
“I didn’t want this to happen,” she said finally, still looking annoyed as Joshua snapped the box shut and struggled to his feet, brushing the dead grass off his shorts.
“Well, it did, and you’re free to gloat, and I’m just gonna go roll in poison oak to make this summer complete.”
Stalking away, Joshua made a conscious decision to hurl the box into a thicket of bushes as he went. He should never have kept it at all.
*
“So can we do it tonight?” Logan whispered across Dorian to where Joshua sat on the bench, the warm flickers of flame casting shadows over his face as they sat around the campfire. The director was telling ghost stories that had most of the younger kids terrified and hiding their faces in their counselors’ shirts. Joshua hadn’t been listening for the last ten minutes, staring blankly into the fire instead.
At Logan’s question, he roused himself slightly. Logan was watching him carefully, as though judging his every movement.
“I don’t know about tonight,” Joshua replied slowly. “It’s been a long day.”
“But we didn’t do anything,” Logan said indignantly. Beside him, Dorian looked nervous as Logan leaned further into his space, staring at Joshua. “You said if we were good-”
“I said maybe,” Joshua interrupted. “You know, I’m starting to think this war was a bad idea.”
Logan didn’t look happy at Joshua’s answer, and even Dorian was looking at him now. On Joshua’s other side, Michael shot him a look as well.
“So they just win?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows, and Joshua sighed.
“It’s not about winning.”
“It’s a war!” Logan said loudly but quieted when more than a few pairs of eyes swiveled to him.
Joshua rolled his eyes, leaning forward against his knees and staring into the fire.
The fire was built up high, reaching several feet in the air and the circle of benches was wide around it. He could see everyone’s faces in the flickering light, most of which were turned towards the director as he stood in the middle, acting out his story with large gestures. Carter was across from Joshua. He wasn’t smiling or talking to any of his campers this time. Instead, he was just watching the director, eyes squinted slightly in the light.
Looking away, Joshua glanced at Logan, who still looked angry.
“When you’re older, you’ll understand there are more important things than a stupid camp war.”
“Well, I’m not older,” Logan pointed out obviously. “And you promised.”
“What other things?” Dorian asked, eyebrows furrowed, and Joshua wished he hadn’t said anything.
It was too late to stop the war now, no matter how much he wanted nothing to do with it, nothing to do with Carter. It was hard enough being at camp with him, having to see him every day, but being involved in this just made it harder.
“Nothing,” he muttered finally. “Fine, okay, we’ll do it, but not tonight. Tomorrow.”
“You swear?” Logan asked suspiciously as Joshua sighed, eyes flicking to Carter across the fire.
“Yeah,” Joshua agreed, dropping his gaze to the fire instead and watching a red hot spark pop into the air and vanish in the darkness.
Part Four >>
*
“Crickets? Frogs? Are we sure the plague isn’t coming next?” Faith asked as she plopped down next to Joshua in the cafeteria. Across from them, Carter grinned and didn’t reply.
“It’s war,” Joshua replied simply. He hadn’t talked to Carter about it, but there wasn’t much to say. He knew from Carter’s self-satisfied smirk that he was perfectly content with himself.
“Ew, bugs.” Britney shuddered. “You guys are disgusting.”
“They’re just crickets,” Carter said innocently, mussing his hair more, and Joshua had a brief thought of running his fingers through Carter’s hair, but he was in the middle of the cafeteria with Britney and Faith, and that would have been more than a little odd.
He kept his hands to himself, then, although all he wanted to do was crawl into Carter’s lap and kiss that smirk right off his face.
Maybe Faith had been right after all.
“How long is this war going to go on for?” Britney asked skeptically. “We’re already halfway through camp as it is.”
Joshua glanced at Carter and shrugged. “As long as it goes on,” he replied. It wasn’t as if they’d discussed an end. “It’s just for fun.”
Britney rolled her eyes and muttered something like, “Until someone gets hurt,” under her breath. Joshua ignored her. It seemed lately she had nothing constructive to add and he was getting tired of hearing it.
“It was just a few crickets,” Carter threw in, rolling his eyes at Britney and grinning at Joshua. Joshua’s stomach did another stupid little flip like it had been doing all summer. “Lighten up, Buttercup.”
Britney just frowned darkly. “If this gets too out of hand, I’m telling the campers your real names.”
“You wouldn’t!” Joshua exclaimed, scandalized. “Besides, mine haven’t even tried to guess.”
“One of mine asked me if my name was Shane,” Carter said, snorting. “Do I look like a Shane to you?”
Joshua took him in for a moment, pausing thoughtfully. “Maybe if you still had the eyebrow piercing.”
“Had to take it out,” Carter replied, reaching for his hair again, fingers sweeping through to make it even messier, and Britney rolled her eyes at him. “Got a job in a restaurant and it was just easier to keep it out.”
“That’s too bad,” Joshua replied. “I thought it looked good.”
He didn’t react as Britney elbowed him sharply in the stomach except to shoot her an annoyed look. She looked angry now, again.
“You had an eyebrow piercing?” Faith asked curiously, and Carter grinned at her.
Joshua rubbed at his side, frowning at Britney, who just crossed her arms haughtily and turned away as if he’d done something to offend her. Joshua honestly had no idea what. It was just crickets.
*
‘Just crickets’ didn’t even begin to describe the next few days of agony. Joshua could swear he was losing sleep, lying awake at night listening to crickets hidden in the recesses of the cabin chirping away. If he thought they’d been loud from outside the window, it was nothing to having them inside.
It was making his campers irritable, and Joshua couldn’t blame them. He didn’t think, however, that it warranted the way they’d taken to grumbling at each other. They needed a good night’s sleep and they wouldn’t get it until the last cricket died.
“You pushed me,” Michael said as he stomped through the cabin door, Logan rolling his eyes behind him.
“I did not, you baby.”
Michael didn’t respond, only tossing him a glare as he climbed onto his bunk and the rest of the campers filed in, tired and hot, and just wanting to sleep. Joshua was last, leaving the door open, hoping that maybe the crickets would sense the fresh air and hop to freedom.
“No name calling,” Joshua reprimanded them tiredly. It had been a particularly long, hot day, and it just needed to be over. “We’re not five.”
Logan only rolled his eyes as he dragged his shirt over his head and dumped it on the floor. It fell at Dorian’s feet and Dorian glanced down at it for a second before his eyes flicked to Logan. Joshua didn’t know if it was worth telling Dorian that Logan was a bad idea, in more ways than one. He probably knew already, but then again, he was fifteen.
“What are you looking at?” Logan asked sharply as he caught sight of Dorian watching him. Dorian immediately frowned and looked away.
“Nothing,” he replied as Logan arched an eyebrow, grabbing his shirt off the floor. Joshua flopped onto his bed and sighed, rubbing his forehead.
Logan was watching Dorian suspiciously now as Dorian busied himself straightening his sleeping bag and digging in his bag for his toothbrush. Cautious, Joshua shot them both a glance. Logan wasn’t stupid after all.
“Why don’t you all go get ready for bed? I think we could use the sleep.”
For once, no one argued with him about going to bed on time, and it didn’t take long for everyone to fall into bed, exhausted.
Joshua lay there in the darkness, listening to the boys falling asleep, the soft changes in breathing as they did. The night was warm, warmer than normal, but the whole day had been warmer than normal. Closing his eyes, he tried to fall asleep, to drift into the thoughtless space between night and day, but as he tried, a loud chirp interrupted his peace.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Joshua swore he was going to kill Carter. The cricket chirped again, loud, as if it was hiding under his pillow. He wished it was so he could crush it. Pulling the pillow over his head, he tried to drown out the sound, but it just seemed to get louder and there was no way he was going to be able to sleep.
Throwing the pillow away then, he sighed and stared at the dark bottom of the bunk above him. The cricket chirped again and he couldn’t take it.
Kicking off the sleeping bag, he slipped out of bed, grabbing a pair of sandals and his flashlight. Careful not to wake anyone, he crept to the door and pulled it open. A sliver of pale moonlight fell across the floor, but he stepped out quickly, shutting the door behind him.
Walking quickly, he passed the silent cabins, resisting the urge to step on every cricket that chirped as he went. Instead, he headed for the bathrooms, but he didn’t even have to make it inside to find what he wanted.
Carter was lounging against the stair railing as though he’d been waiting for Joshua to come find him.
“I just came to tell you,” Joshua said as he stopped in front of Carter and Carter waiting patiently, “that I hate you.”
Carter didn’t react for a moment before he smiled, and Joshua refused to budge, but he couldn’t help it when Carter reached out for him, pulling him in closer and tipping his chin up.
“You hate crickets.”
“You, crickets, what’s the difference?” Joshua asked.
“The difference is crickets can’t make it up to you,” Carter murmured, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Joshua’s lips, too soft, too short to mean anything more than what it always did. A part of Joshua wished it meant more, but he didn’t say anything about it. Instead, he sighed and slid a hand into Carter’s hair that he’d been itching to touch the past few days. It was soft and thick as usual, and Carter hummed his appreciation, kissing Joshua harder.
“We can’t do this here,” Joshua murmured a second later, breath short as he pulled away, glancing around quickly. For a second, he thought he saw something move behind a tree, but it was probably just a squirrel… or a giant cricket knowing his luck. He almost lost all resolution as Carter’s stubble scraped along his jaw and his mouth slid down to his neck.
“Boat house?”
Joshua knew he should get back to his cabin, but it was hard to say no with Carter’s tongue lapping at his neck, a slow teasing slide that made his fingers tighten and his stomach bottom out.
“Boat house,” he agreed with a shiver, and he could only feel Carter’s smile against his neck for a second before Carter was sliding an arm around his neck and leading him away from the bathroom and the safety of his cabin.
*
For the first time in days, Joshua slept well, but he thought it had more to do with the memory of Carter’s mouth skimming down his body than anything else, especially considering the one, stubborn cricket who refused to die. He woke up to sunny skies, still a tad bit too warm, but he somehow felt like it was going to be a better day.
“Wakey, wakey!” he called to his boys as the trumpets went off at eight AM sharp.
He was mostly met with grumbles and boys rolling over into their pillows, like every morning.
“Get up!” he said brightly, flipping on the light even though there was already plenty of sunshine streaming in.
“Why are you so happy?” Logan grumbled as Joshua shook his shoulder before moving on to Ewan below him.
“It’s a beautiful day,” Joshua replied. “And I think I actually slept, so get on up! You’re making candles today in arts and crafts!”
No one seemed to share his enthusiasm, but one by one, they finally rolled out of bed. Dorian was awake, eyes following Joshua as Joshua got dressed and tried to hurry everyone along. They had a bad habit of being late for breakfast and he was eager to break it.
“Hey, Dorian, you okay?” he asked when he turned around to find Dorian watching him.
“Fine,” Dorian replied simply, looking away finally. He rummaged in his bag for clothes as Logan dropped down from his bunk, smacking Dorian’s shoulder as he passed. Looking up, Dorian frowned slightly but didn’t say anything.
They were actually late to breakfast but only because Ewan found the last cricket hiding in his shoe. He shrieked for a second as he dropped the shoe and the cricket bounced out onto the floor.
“Get it!” Joshua cried and three boys dove, colliding on the floor, but the cricket was caught and dropped unceremoniously outside.
“When are we getting Cedar cabin back for the crickets?” Logan asked as they headed to breakfast.
“We have to think of something really good,” Joshua replied as they filed down the path along with the rest of the cabins making their way to breakfast.
“So let’s think of something!”
“Yeah!” the rest of the boys agreed. Dorian kept quiet, watching Joshua closely.
“I’m not the only one with ideas, you know,” he pointed out, holding the cafeteria door open for Britney’s cabin that was passing in front of them. “Plus, great ideas take time.”
“Well, Cedar’s winning,” Logan argued as Joshua led the way in to the cafeteria. “We have to do something.”
“We will,” Joshua assured him as they sat down. Dorian climbed onto the space across from Joshua, frowning slightly. “Patience is a virtue, you know.”
“I’m fifteen,” Logan pointed out, rolling his eyes. “Who cares about patience?”
“Good things take time.”
Logan rolled his eyes again, elbowing Michael in the side. Michael looked over, pushing his black hair out of his eyes.
“How do we know Cedar isn’t planning some other kind of ambush?” Michael asked. “Maybe they’re going to do something else before we retaliate. We should do something now.”
“Do what exactly?” Joshua asked, glancing over at Cedar cabin. Carter was talking with his kids, and Joshua repressed his smile as he turned away. “What’s your brilliant plan?”
When neither Michael nor Logan replied, Joshua nodded.
“Exactly. You can’t just run into war without a plan. So take some time and think of something and we’ll talk about it.”
Logan looked skeptical. “What about ambush wars?”
“Still need a plan,” Joshua pointed out, reaching for his water glasses as Dorian watched him. “What?”
Dorian shook his head quickly. “Nothing,” he said, although Joshua thought he sounded a little evasive when he did.
“Today’s gonna be a good day,” he just said, glancing around at his campers, who looked much more well-rested than normal. “I can tell.”
*
“You look better today,” Carter said as he caught Joshua just before they entered the cafeteria. Joshua had just dropped his campers off at arts and crafts, smiling at the extremely skeptical looks they’d had on their faces when faced with Alex and the prospect of hot wax.
“Oh, thanks,” Joshua joked, pausing before the door, not pushing it open yet. “Does that mean I looked bad yesterday?”
“Not bad,” Carter offered easily, giving him a very obvious once-over, and Joshua only smirked slightly. “Just tired.”
“You can thank your infernal crickets for that,” Joshua shot back. “But don’t get too cocky over there, Mr. Oberon. Dogwood cabin is not out of the running.”
“I would expect nothing less,” Carter replied seriously before leaning in closer. “I was thinking about last night.”
“Yeah?” Joshua asked, trying not to get his hopes up that it meant more than it did.
“We should do that more often,” Carter went on, skimming a hand up Joshua’s arm before checking that no one was around, but they were alone. The only voices were coming from inside the cafeteria, but there was no one outside.
“Yeah,” Joshua agreed, glancing into Carter’s eyes, wondering if he was thinking the same thing, but he couldn’t tell. Carter was just smiling, the same smile he always had, nothing different about it. Joshua wondered if there was a different smile, if he might ever see it. “Yeah, we should.”
“It sucks that we’re counselors now,” Carter said regretfully, dropping his hand to his side as he sighed. “It’s much harder to sneak off with all the responsibilities.”
Joshua nodded slowly.
“But I guess it doesn’t matter,” Carter said, reaching for the door to the cafeteria and pulling it open. “I won’t be coming back next year anyway.”
“What?” Joshua asked sharply as Carter held open the door for him but he didn’t go in. A quick glance told him that Britney and Faith were inside, Britney painting her fingernails a bright pink and Faith gazing out the window. “Why not?”
Carter shrugged. “Next year, I’ll have to start thinking about stuff like internships or getting a real job, you know? We can’t stay in camp forever.”
Joshua’s brain had stopped working as he stared at Carter. It had never crossed his mind that Carter might not come back to camp. He’d certainly never considered it, although of the two of them, his schooling was more likely to put a stop to camp. He’d have to take on internships within the next few years if he had any hope of actually accomplishing something.
“What internships?” he asked stupidly while Carter arched an eyebrow as if Joshua should just get it.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged again. “Magazines, newspapers, you know.”
Joshua didn’t know but he was more concerned with the fact that Carter wouldn’t be coming back.
“So you’re just not coming back?” he asked dimly. Carter cocked his head to the side, his smile slightly confused now.
“Hey, what’s the big deal?”
Blinking, Joshua shook his head quickly. “Nothing,” he said, telling himself to get it together. He was being stupid. What did it matter if he never saw Carter again?
Except it did matter.
He couldn’t imagine a summer without seeing Carter, without talking to him, being with him. He’d always known that he’d have to grow up someday, but he didn’t want to do it without Carter.
“Nothing,” he said again, letting out a breath and avoiding Carter’s eyes as he finally stepped through the open door. Carter looked skeptical but he didn’t push it and just followed Joshua in, the door swinging shut behind them.
*
“Could we drop scorpions in their cabin?” Logan asked, and Joshua sighed heavily, setting down his fork from where he’d mostly been pushing his mashed potatoes into a pile in the center of his plate.
“Of course not,” he said tiredly. “Besides, where do you expect to find scorpions out here? We’re in the middle of the woods.”
Looking annoyed, Logan grumbled something about pet stores but didn’t respond otherwise. Dorian was watching him but looked away when Logan shot him a glare.
“Look, I know you want to get them back,” Joshua said, glancing at Cedar cabin and Carter down at the end. He paused a second but shook himself mentally. “But we have to be smart about it. We can’t just do something stupid.”
“Why not?” Michael asked.
“Because we’re not stupid,” Joshua explained calmly. “We have to show Cedar cabin that or they’ll just take advantage. It’s basic war strategy.”
Dorian was eyeing him now, as if trying to glean more from his words than there was.
“War strategy?” he asked skeptically.
“Yeah, you know,” Logan butted in before Joshua could respond, “stealth, secrecy, not that you’d know anything about that.”
Dorian frowned now, expression darkening, and Joshua sighed. Couldn’t they leave it alone for two seconds?
He looked over at Carter again while Logan went on about being stealth and how Dorian obviously lacked that quality due to his obvious crush on Jenny. Joshua wondered if Carter ever thought about him during the school year. He wondered if Carter had ever thought about sending him a message on facebook but stopped himself. Joshua sure knew he had.
“I know something you don’t!” Dorian said loudly, bringing Joshua’s attention back to the table and he sighed, annoyed.
“That’s enough,” he said firmly. “Can’t you just stop picking at each other for one night? After dinner, there’s a short counselors meeting. You guys are going to go to the field for a twilight football game. Please try not to kill each other.”
Neither Logan nor Dorian looked happy, but they were finally quiet, and Joshua took a moment to revel in it. He just needed to be able to think and he couldn’t do it with them picking at each other all the time.
“We’ll talk about the war stuff later,” he promised them as dinner ended and he herded them off to the field. He left them looking less than happy, but there was really nothing he could do. He was starting to regret signing up for fifteen year olds, not that he’d really had a choice.
The meeting was just a required mid-summer check-in and Joshua spent most of his time watching Carter at the table next to his. Once or twice, Britney elbowed him in the side, much to his annoyance.
“What?” he hissed the second time it happened. The director was in the middle of explaining proper cabin cleaning procedures, but Joshua had heard it for five years now and had no interest in cleaning the crevices.
Britney shot him a look that was obviously supposed to mean something but he had no idea what. Ignoring her then, he settled back in his seat, eyes drifting back to Carter as Carter ran a hand backwards through his hair to make it perfectly mussed. Joshua wished he could know what he was thinking.
“Could you be any more obvious?” Britney asked as the meeting was dismissed and the scraping of chairs covered her hissed question. Joshua only frowned.
“Could you be any more annoying?” he asked instead. “I still have no idea what your problem is.”
“Of course you don’t,” she said, rolling her eyes and tossing her hair back. It nearly whipped him in the face, but she just turned sharply and joined the other counselors leaving. Joshua frowned as he watched her go but he couldn’t find any answers in her retreating back, so he shook his head and went to collect his cabin instead.
*
The campers were quiet… which was just weird. They had been quiet since Joshua had picked them up from the field and the entire walk back. Logan hadn’t even picked on Dorian, and Dorian had been especially quiet, tossing glances at Joshua every now and again.
“Alright,” Joshua said as they trooped into the cabin and he shut the door behind them. The boys dispersed to their own beds, although they kept tossing him strange glances. “What exactly happened tonight?”
They seemed to exchange glances for a moment before Logan stepped forward boldly.
“You’re sleeping with the enemy!”
So much for a good day.
“What?” Joshua asked, completely caught off guard.
Logan’s stance was challenging and Logan shot a glance at Dorian, who was sitting on the edge of his bed, watching Joshua too, along with everyone else in the cabin.
“Dorian saw you,” Logan said accusingly, and Joshua frowned, glancing at Dorian, who for once didn’t shy away from confrontation.
“I saw you last night,” he said firmly, “kissing the counselor from Cedar - Oberon.”
Joshua stared for a second, unsure what to do. Logan was still staring at him accusingly, and the rest of the boys looked suspicious now too. He felt as if he was sitting in a very bright spotlight as all faces turned to him.
“That’s why you didn’t want us to retaliate,” Logan spat as Joshua paused, trying to think. “Because you’re helping them!”
Joshua couldn’t help rolling his eyes at how overdramatic he was being. “That’s ridiculous,” he replied calmly, but no one looked reassured. If anything, they looked even more skeptical. “I’m on your side.”
“Yeah?” Michael asked. “How do we know that?”
“You lied to us,” Logan accused him. “I mean, you’re a f-”
Standing up so quickly Logan actually took a step back, Joshua held his gaze, eyes hard.
“If I hear so much as one derogatory comment about anyone in this cabin, whoever said it will be sent straight to the director,” he said, voice hard, casting a glance around the cabin. No one moved, all eyes on him. Dorian seemed to shrink a little on his bed as Joshua stepped back. His heart was thrumming rapidly with a mix of shock and anger. He told himself to be calm, though. He had to be calm.
For a second, Logan actually looked something other than overly-confident as Joshua’s eyes landed on him again.
“First of all, I didn’t tell you because my personal life is none of your business, and second of all, it has no effect on what side I’m on. I’m on your side because you’re my cabin. I think you may have forgotten about the friendly part of this competition.”
“You’re not a little too friendly?” Michael asked, though, a skeptical eyebrow raised, and Joshua sighed.
“It’s not like I’m giving him trade secrets,” Joshua scoffed. “Besides, have I ever done anything to indicate I was helping them?”
“You didn’t want us to retaliate,” Logan jumped in sharply.
“I didn’t want you to retaliate stupidly,” Joshua corrected him, sighing. He couldn’t believe this was happening to him. “There’s a difference.”
Glancing around at the rest of the campers, he found a mixture of suspicion and confusion etched on their faces. He honestly didn’t know how to convince them. They were going to believe what they wanted.
“But you’re hooking up with him, right?” Logan asked baldly, and Joshua wondered how many times he could sigh before he just ran out of air.
“You don’t understand,” he replied, shaking his head. “You’re too young. The two things aren’t linked.”
“Aren’t they?” Sam asked from his bunk, brown eyes peering owlishly out from behind where he was hugging his pillow.
“No,” Joshua replied. “Now I don’t want to hear any more about this. Do you believe that I’m not helping Cedar?”
There was a general muttering of reluctant yeses although Logan still looked suspicious. Shaking his head, Joshua sunk back onto his bunk. How he could have possibly thought it was going to be a good day was beyond him. It was now quite possibly turning into the worst day of the summer so far.
A few of the boys turned away finally, rummaging in their bags for their toothbrushes. Logan tossed Joshua a look before climbing onto his bunk and ignoring when Michael tried to talk to him. Dorian, for his part, didn’t look too abashed, staring up at Logan’s bunk instead. A part of Joshua wondered if he’d been that stupid when he was fifteen too.
It wasn’t long before they were all getting ready for bed and heading off to brush their teeth. Joshua reminded them vaguely to take a buddy, but he remained lying on his bed, watching them pair off and leave. Sam, however, paused on his way by.
“So, are you and Oberon, like, dating?” he asked curiously, and Joshua frowned, glancing at him. He didn’t look accusing, though, just curious.
“Not really, no,” he answered when he decided the damage had already been done. There was no point in hiding anything, and Sam didn’t seem angry at all, just genuinely interested. Sam was a good kid, he thought vaguely.
“That must be nice,” Sam said, and Joshua raised an eyebrow this time, confused. He saw Dorian pass by with Gus, not looking at him.
“What makes you say that?”
Sam shrugged. “Girls would never do that.”
Joshua didn’t feel the need to correct him. They didn’t need to be corrupted any more than they already were. He’d find out soon enough what girls would and wouldn’t do. Instead, he quirked a small smile.
“Go brush your teeth,” he told him and Sam took a step towards the door but paused and looked back.
“I believe you, just so you know.”
“Thanks,” Joshua said, lying back as Sam left with Ewan.
What a great day.
*
“I can’t believe he sold me out.”
Carter sighed, pushing himself up from where he lay on the grass next to Joshua, a leg thrown over his and pushed up against Joshua’s inner thigh, but Joshua was just frowning at the dark sky. It was scattered with stars and the moon was barely a sliver now, reflecting off the lake down the hill.
“I can’t believe you got me up at midnight just to complain about your campers,” he replied, brushing Joshua’s hair off his forehead, but Joshua couldn’t be distracted as he glanced at Carter.
“I told him something personal, just between us, to help him, and he threw it right back in my face.”
“He’s fifteen,” Carter replied calmly, leaning back in to Joshua’s neck where he’d been busy trying to distract him before. “And he’s the odd one out. He just wants to be liked.”
“By telling secrets?” Joshua asked, still annoyed. “I thought, considering what he told me, that he’d want to keep things like that to himself, that he’d understand.”
He felt Carter huff slightly, clearly giving up. Carter moved back, gazing at him through the darkness.
“He’s fifteen,” he said again. “He doesn’t know what he wants.”
Joshua frowned at Carter’s imploring look.
“Now be quiet and let’s do what you dragged me out here to do.”
Carter’s mouth was soft, lips pressing against Joshua’s, and it felt nice, like it always did, but something was wrong. Carter’s hand slid around to his jaw, fingers brushing against his neck, and Joshua kissed him back slowly, but it was only a minute before Joshua pushed him away.
“What?” Carter asked, fingers still resting against Joshua’s neck, and Joshua could feel something strange in his stomach, like it was bunching up on itself, somehow making it difficult to breathe.
“What if I dragged you out here to talk?” he asked, searching Carter’s eyes, and only getting slight confusion.
“Er, okay,” Carter said slowly. “But there are better things we could be doing.”
“What do you mean, better?”
“Well, more fun,” Carter replied, pressing kisses to Joshua’s jaw, heading towards his mouth, but Joshua turned away at the last minute, and Carter gave him a strange look. “Are you okay?”
Joshua sighed. He didn’t really have an answer to that question.
“What if I wanted to talk to you?” he asked instead, watching Carter closely. Carter just shrugged.
“You can talk to me,” he said, sounding confused. “What do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know,” Joshua said, pushing up onto his elbows, and Carter was forced back too. “School, life, what you thought about the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie, who was your favorite Spice Girl, what you wanted to be when you were a kid.”
“You want to talk about all of that stuff?”
“Yes! I mean, not right now, but eventually, you know?” Joshua stared at Carter, willing him to understand, but Carter was just frowning.
“No, I don’t,” he said finally as Joshua sighed, rubbing his forehead. “What are you saying?”
“I want to talk to you,” Joshua said imploringly. “Outside of camp. I want to know what’s happening with you. I want to be able to call you when something happens and I need someone to tell. I want to be more than… this.”
Carter’s expression changed slowly from confusion to understanding, but he still frowned.
“Why?”
“Why?” Joshua repeated incredulously. “Because I like you.”
“I like you too,” Carter said, but he was still frowning, and Joshua knew he didn’t get it.
“No, I like you,” he said seriously, watching Carter nervously. “And I want more than just the summers. I don’t want to go home feeling like I did last year. I don’t want to suffer through another year of school without at least knowing there’s someone who cares.”
“What are you talking about?”
Sitting up completely, Joshua pulled his knees up to his chest, gazing out at the calm surface of the lake. It was another warm night, a light breeze coming off the water and rustling the grass around him.
“Last year sucked,” he said plainly, glancing at Carter. “I hated my school, I didn’t have any friends, and the only time I actually hooked up with someone, the guy was a total asshole afterwards.”
“You didn’t have friends?” Carter asked skeptically. “You’re one of the most social guys I know.”
“I had friends,” Joshua admitted, rolling his eyes. “But they were just people to go to parties with. They weren’t real friends.” He sighed. “That’s not the point anyway.”
“Well, what’s the point?”
Turning to Carter, Joshua looked at him seriously, heart battering furiously, stomach twisting into knots as a part of himself begged him not to say anything.
“Are we dating?” he asked plainly, and his stomach clenched a little as Carter gave a half a smile and laughed.
“No,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “Why would we be dating?”
“What if I wanted to?”
Carter’s expression changed slowly, smile falling, and he didn’t reply as Joshua shifted to face him completely.
Joshua swallowed nervously. “Carter, I really like you and I’m tired of pretending this is just… whatever it is, because it’s not for me.”
Carter was quiet for another minute, looking as though he was trying to figure something out until he shook his head.
“We can’t date,” he said slowly. “We don’t even live near each other.”
“So?” Joshua frowned when Carter looked away from him. He could feel the thrum of his heartbeat against his Adam’s apple, the nervous boom, boom of each beat.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Carter said finally, and Joshua felt his heart sink, stomach unknotting into an empty pit.
“Why not?”
“We’re friends,” Carter replied simply. “We’re just messing around, having fun, you know? It’s not supposed to be serious. I don’t want to mess it up.”
“I just messed it up,” Joshua pointed out sharply. “I just told you that I liked you and… obviously, you don’t feel the same.”
Carter gave him a look. “Come on, you know I like you.”
“Not the same way,” Joshua said obviously as Carter sighed, frowning. “You just… you just want to be friends, don’t you?” he asked, biting his bottom lip as Carter looked away.
“No, I like what we’re doing,” Carter replied and Joshua shook his head.
“What are we doing? Fucking around? Ignoring each other all year? Do you know how many times I thought about sending you a message or calling you? But I didn’t because this is all we’re doing, but I don’t want to do it anymore. I want more.”
“Sorry, but I don’t,” Carter said finally.
Joshua stared at him for a moment, feeling like something inside of him was breaking up into tiny little pieces and slowly falling apart. Carter wasn’t looking at him, instead staring out at the dark surface of the lake, and Joshua swallowed, taking a breath that seemed to come shorter now. The air was too warm, almost suffocating, and the breeze coming off the water did nothing to relieve the pressure.
He didn’t know if he was more angry or disappointed as he pushed himself to his feet.
“I guess Faith was right,” he muttered, standing up, and Carter frowned back on the ground.
“What does she have to do with anything?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Joshua replied sharply. “You don’t care. I was stupid for even thinking… But, you’re right. We don’t have to do it. We don’t have to do anything anymore. After this summer, you can just forget that I ever existed. It’s fine.” There was a lump in his throat that wasn’t going away as he huffed out a breath.
He should have known this would happen. Of course Carter didn’t want to be with him. They were just friends. Just friends who happened to sleep together.
“It’s fine,” he repeated, a little too loudly. “You know, it’s probably better this way, end it before anyone gets hurt or attached or… whatever. Maybe it’s too late anyway, but at least I won’t have to worry about it anymore, and I won’t have to think about you.” He nodded, more to himself since Carter still wasn’t looking at him. “It’ll be better.” His throat was closing up as he tried to suck in a breath. “Who wants to be happy anyway?”
“Josh,” Carter said slowly, but Joshua took a step back.
“No,” he interrupted. “I get it. You don’t want to. Fine. I have to get back to my cabin.”
“I don’t want you to be mad,” Carter said anyway as Joshua turned around and started to leave, but he turned on his heel a few steps away.
“I’m not mad,” he replied quietly. “I don’t really feel anything right now.” He was glad it was dark as he bit his bottom lip, feeling the unmistakable prick of tears at the corner of his eyes. The lump in his throat was blocking the air passage as he took another step back, further away from Carter. “It’s my own fault. It really is.”
Carter didn’t say anything, still sitting on the grass, hands in his lap, and Joshua let out a shaky breath as he backed away.
“Just don’t talk to me anymore, okay? I can’t talk to you anymore.”
Joshua turned before Carter could reply, not that he thought he was going to. Rubbing at his face with a hard hand, Joshua sucked in a breath and blinked away the hot prick in his eyes, disappearing down the darkened path and leaving Carter behind.
*
Joshua woke up the next morning feeling like something big and hairy had stomped on his chest, both literally and figuratively. His campers were still wary from the night before, so when he got them up with less enthusiasm as usual, none of them said a thing. Joshua didn’t even bother giving Dorian a disappointed look as he told them all to get dressed.
The sun was bright outside, but it couldn’t brighten his mood as they walked to breakfast.
He wasn’t sure how he felt. He was… hurt, if he was honest with himself. It wasn’t as if he’d expected Carter to declare passionate love for him and say he’d just been waiting for Joshua to bring it up, but he hadn’t expected a flat-out rejection. Somehow, he’d thought that three years had meant more than that, but apparently he was as naïve as every other person who’d ever fallen for a friend with benefits. He should have known better, and that thought didn’t cheer him up in the least.
He was angry too, despite whatever he’d told Carter. He was angry with himself for being so stupid, for opening himself up for what could only be pain. Three years ago, though, it hadn’t seemed like a bad idea. He hadn’t expected it to go on for this long or get this complicated.
Now, though, now it hurt to know that he was about to step into the cafeteria where Carter would be, where he couldn’t talk to him, didn’t want to.
“Maybe we could steal something,” Michael was saying as they settled into their table.
Joshua was only half paying attention. The rest of his concentration was on not looking at Carter’s table. He didn’t want to look, knowing it would only bring up a welling of emotions that he couldn’t deal with, not right now. His cabin didn’t need to know what had happened. They were already suspicious enough and he didn’t need any more arguments at the moment.
“Steal what?” Logan asked skeptically, shooting a glance as Joshua as if he was about to step in and put a damper on their revenge, but Joshua was rubbing his forehead and staring at his orange juice.
He knew he should be paying attention, if only to make sure Logan didn’t do anything stupid, but what did he know about preventing stupidity? What qualifications did he really have to be a counselor? He was just as stupid as the rest of them, only he had more scars to prove it.
Michael shrugged, picking up a piece of bacon with his fingers. “Their shirts?”
Logan’s lip curled slightly at Michael’s suggestion.
“Their dirty magazines?” Dorian muttered under his breath, and Logan looked between them, eyebrows furrowed with annoyance.
“You guys are useless,” he complained. Dorian frowned slightly. Michael wasn’t affected as he reached for his orange juice. Logan scoffed at their attitudes, turning to Joshua. “Tramp?”
“Hm?” Joshua asked dully. His head felt as though there was something inside of it, taking up all the space and making concentrating hard. He was acutely aware of Carter sitting a few tables away, but he wouldn’t turn.
“Could we take something from Cedar cabin?”
Joshua blinked for a second before sighing and scrubbing the back of his neck. “As long as they get it back.”
Joshua didn’t feel like doing anything with Cedar cabin at the moment. He would have been perfectly content to let this war fizzle out, but he knew he was too far in at this point. The boys were invested, and really, it was his fault. Everything was his fault lately.
“Shoes,” Sam piped up from down the table, and Logan turned towards him curiously. “We could take their shoes.”
“Throw them up a tree?” Michael asked, but Logan shook his head, a gleam in his eye.
“Set them out in a canoe,” he said instead, smiling slowly.
Joshua didn’t offer an opinion. As long as they weren’t plotting to drown someone, he didn’t need to worry.
“Can we do it tonight?” Logan demanded, turning his gaze to Joshua, who hesitated. He didn’t want to see Carter, even if it was while he was asleep.
“I don’t know about tonight,” he said slowly, and Logan exchanged a glance with Michael.
“Why?” he asked, tone almost suspicious. “Have other plans?”
“Logan,” Joshua said warningly, and Logan just stared back.
“Do you?” he asked challengingly.
Sighing, Joshua set his fork down with a clink. “No,” he replied, slightly cold. “But remember that I am the counselor and what I say goes. If you want special privileges like going out at night, you better start acting a bit more mature than you have been. Do you understand?”
Logan stared at him for another moment before quirking an eyebrow and sitting back.
“Okay,” Joshua said, glancing around at the rest of his cabin, none of whom seemed interested in getting in the middle. “We’ll see how today goes. If you can prove that you’re actually responsible, maybe tonight, you can have your revenge.”
Logan looked appeased at the very least, although Joshua wasn’t sure he’d actually gotten through to him. He just hoped they could get through a day without hurt feelings and accusations. He realized how ludicrous that sounded as soon as he thought it, but he really needed to keep it together or Logan would walk all over him.
He had to pull it together, he told himself firmly, but when Carter walked past later with his cabin, Joshua couldn’t help the way his heart fell or the twist of pain as he looked away, wishing it just didn’t hurt so much.
*
“You’re awfully quiet,” Britney commented suspiciously as she and Joshua left their cabins with Alex at arts and crafts, none of them looking particularly excited when Alex had announced they were doing tie-dye.
“Camp isn’t as fun as I remember it,” he muttered, walking with Britney towards the cafeteria. For the first time, in possibly his life, Joshua just wanted camp to be over. The remaining three weeks seemed so very long at this point.
“You’re a counselor now,” Britney pointed out as the cafeteria loomed into view past the trees. The front door was open and Joshua could see Faith sitting at one of the tables talking to someone out of sight. “You have to actually be responsible.”
“It’s not about responsibility,” Joshua replied dully. “It’s-”
He stopped as they reached the door and he caught sight of Carter. He was the one Faith was talking to. He looked up, though, as Joshua stopped dead a few feet from the door.
“What are you doing?” Britney asked, an eyebrow raised as he took a step back, a sense of panic overtaking him. He didn’t know why it was panic that filled him when faced with sharing the same space as Carter, but he couldn’t bring himself to go in, and Britney was still giving him a quizzical look.
“I’m kind of tired,” he said instead, taking another step away from the door. Britney was frowning, obviously confused and probably a little annoyed if the look on her face meant anything. “I think I’m just gonna go… just go, yeah.”
He was a coward, he thought, as he turned quickly and left Britney staring after him. He was a coward and an idiot, and he wanted to spend the rest of camp curled up in his bunk like one of his immature fifteen year olds. He wasn’t fifteen anymore. This wasn’t supposed to happen to him!
It was happening, though, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. Carter had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want anything more, and Joshua couldn’t pretend he didn’t anymore. Breaking up (if he could really break up something that wasn’t even anything) was the best option. He just wished it didn’t have to hurt so much.
Joshua did go back to his cabin, but he didn’t rest or hide in his bunk. Instead, he dropped to his knees, prying up the loose floorboard to find the little dusty box hidden there. He brushed off the top layer of dust and set the board back, rising and leaving the cabin, the box held tightly in his hand.
The camp was filled with laughter, the sounds of happy children playing around every corner. Birds twittered in the trees and other, probably adorable, woodland creatures rustled the bushes. Joshua just wanted to kick them for being so happy when he was so unhappy.
He mastered the urge, though, as he headed for his favorite spot in camp. Admittedly, it was probably only his favorite spot because of Carter.
It was just a little niche in the trees, a small carved out area overlooking the lake. The sun always seemed to come in just at the right angle, dappled through the leaves and splattering shadows like paint on the grass. It was quiet here, though, just far enough from the lake that the voices didn’t carry and hidden amongst the trees that blocked out any other sounds from the rest of camp.
Settling down on the dried grass that crinkled underneath him, Joshua sighed, gazing out at the lake. A cabin was out in the canoes but he didn’t know which one it was. It didn’t matter. He didn’t try to make out the counselor. Instead, he stared out at the water, the sun shimmering off the top of the ripples made by the canoes.
For the first time in five years, he didn’t want to be at camp. He’d rather be back at home working some crappy job at a fast food restaurant than have to be here with the prospect of seeing Carter every day for the next three weeks and knowing it was over.
Sitting crossed legged on the grass, Joshua turned the box over in his hands idly. It was a small box, a faded pink under the dust with little white flowers painted around the rim. There was a faded metal latch but the box wasn’t locked. His fingers played idly with the latch, flipping it open and closed. He couldn’t remember the last time the box had been opened - probably three years ago when he’d put it under the floorboard in the first place.
Joshua just wanted to stay on that hillside forever. He never wanted to go back to the cafeteria, to face Carter knowing that Carter didn’t want him. But he wasn’t an emotional teenager anymore. He couldn’t just run away from his problems.
He always did, though. Every summer, he escaped his problems by running off to camp. He left behind his cell phone, his computer, and everything tying him to a real life. For two months every year, he pretended it didn’t exist. He pretended that he wouldn’t return to something less than perfect, to the things he dealt with all year round.
His mother had always called him an escapist, always running from something, hiding from the truth, living in a fantasy world. He hadn’t used to think it was a bad thing, but since he’d gone to college, it had just seemed to make things worse.
As he sat on the hillside, he just wished that time could rewind and he could fix all this, although he knew that even if he did, he wouldn’t have been happy.
Joshua sighed, setting the box down in his lap and picking at a piece of dried grass. He broke it into little pieces, glancing up as someone appeared over the crest of the hill. It was Britney in her sandals and khaki skirt, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she approached him and Joshua looked away. He wasn’t really in the mood for another argument about him neglecting his counselor duties.
“I recognize that box,” she said as she stopped in front of him, glancing down at the box in his lap.
“How?” he asked skeptically, glancing up and blinking in the glare of the sun behind her.
“You stole it from me three years ago,” she replied simply, and Joshua frowned slightly.
“Is that why you’ve been mad at me all summer?”
Britney rolled her eyes, hands falling to her hips. “It was three years ago.”
Joshua didn’t understand why she felt the need to interrupt his solitude. He really just wanted to be alone. Instead, he sighed and looked out at the lake. One of the canoes had overturned and a couple kids were flailing in the water.
“So did you come to say you told me so?” he asked dully, picking at the grass again. He knew Britney wasn’t dumb despite the blonde hair and the name. She obviously knew something was wrong, but it didn’t take a genius to figure it out.
“You guys had a fight?” she asked instead of responding to his question. Joshua scoffed and tossed away a handful of dead grass.
“Not a fight, no, not really. We broke up, or broke up whatever it was we were doing. He… he didn’t want to be with me, I guess.”
It hurt to say it, like it somehow made it real. Biting his bottom lip, he looked away from Britney. It was too sunny out, he decided as he rubbed at his face slowly. It still felt like some sort of weird, surreal dream. He’d wake up tomorrow and Carter would be there smiling at him.
Britney watched him in silence for a moment before sitting down next to him decidedly. Joshua only eyed her suspiciously. It wasn’t as if he and Britney had ever been particularly close. He always thought she’d hated him a little since he’d been part of the plan to lock the girls out of their cabins in only towels when they were fifteen.
“What’s in the box?” she asked bluntly. No one had ever said she was the sensitive type.
Joshua glanced down at the box in his lap, playing with the latch again. “Nothing. Just stupid stuff.”
Britney gave him an obvious look. “Like what?”
Joshua sighed. He was tired and annoyed, and Britney was not helping at all. He flipped open the box, though, pulling out a folded and wrinkled photograph and tossing it into her lap. Britney smoothed it out slowly on her knee, gazing down at the faces of Joshua and Carter.
The photograph wasn’t that old, only a few years, but after being stuck in a box for the majority of the time, it was faded, a crease down the middle, running right between Joshua and Carter, both grinning for the camera.
“See?” he asked. “Just stupid stuff.”
He dug in the box, coming up with a long-faded glowstick, a smoothed rock shaped like a heart, and a folded piece of paper that Joshua paused before pulling out.
“What’s that?” Britney asked, ignoring the rest of the useless, meaningless trinkets in the box.
Joshua didn’t answer right away. The paper was folded over several times, edges tucked into some complicated pattern.
“Tramp?”
Shaking himself, Joshua glanced at Britney.
“You remember how they used to make us write down things we liked about our cabinmates? You know, to ‘increase the bond’ or whatever?”
Britney shrugged, eyes on the paper as Joshua’s fingers tightened.
“I never gave Oberon his. I kept it.”
It seemed so stupid now, as he looked back on it. Why had he kept it? Why this long? He should have thrown it out years ago. Things always seemed to be coming back to bite him in the ass, especially lately.
Unfolding the paper, he stared down at the words he’d written three years ago, the first summer he’d met Carter, back when he’d been a stupid sixteen year old.
“‘You’re really hot,’” he read dully, wishing he had thrown this out years ago. “‘And I’m glad you kissed me back or I would have felt really stupid. I think you’re really cool and smart, and I wish someone like you would notice me somewhere other than at camp. But I’m glad you did, and I really like you. I hope you come back next year.’”
He remembered writing it, remembered scribbling it down with everyone else, but when it had come time to give the papers to the counselor, he couldn’t bring himself to do it for some reason, stuffing it in his pocket. He remembered the one he’d received from Carter. It had said something cheeky about liking the sounds he made and then a suggestion to sneak away that evening. It had made Joshua glad he hadn’t sent his note, and instead, he’d stuffed it in the box along with everything else.
“So you’ve loved him since the beginning?” Britney asked, and Joshua sighed, crumpling up the note.
“I didn’t love him,” he replied obviously. “And I don’t now. All I wanted was… I don’t know, something more.”
Britney gave him a skeptical look as she handed back the photograph. “So you broke up with him instead?”
“Oh, come on,” Joshua sneered, feeling tired. “Like you don’t know what happened. I know you think Faith was right, that the whole friends with benefits is a joke, and guess what? You were right. Does that make you feel better? Because it sure as hell doesn’t make me feel any better.” Snatching back the photograph, he stuffed it in the box, making a mental note to throw the entire thing in the campfire the first chance he got.
Britney actually looked slightly insulted, but Joshua didn’t care. She was always giving him dirty looks anyway. It was about time she got some of her own medicine.
“I didn’t want this to happen,” she said finally, still looking annoyed as Joshua snapped the box shut and struggled to his feet, brushing the dead grass off his shorts.
“Well, it did, and you’re free to gloat, and I’m just gonna go roll in poison oak to make this summer complete.”
Stalking away, Joshua made a conscious decision to hurl the box into a thicket of bushes as he went. He should never have kept it at all.
*
“So can we do it tonight?” Logan whispered across Dorian to where Joshua sat on the bench, the warm flickers of flame casting shadows over his face as they sat around the campfire. The director was telling ghost stories that had most of the younger kids terrified and hiding their faces in their counselors’ shirts. Joshua hadn’t been listening for the last ten minutes, staring blankly into the fire instead.
At Logan’s question, he roused himself slightly. Logan was watching him carefully, as though judging his every movement.
“I don’t know about tonight,” Joshua replied slowly. “It’s been a long day.”
“But we didn’t do anything,” Logan said indignantly. Beside him, Dorian looked nervous as Logan leaned further into his space, staring at Joshua. “You said if we were good-”
“I said maybe,” Joshua interrupted. “You know, I’m starting to think this war was a bad idea.”
Logan didn’t look happy at Joshua’s answer, and even Dorian was looking at him now. On Joshua’s other side, Michael shot him a look as well.
“So they just win?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows, and Joshua sighed.
“It’s not about winning.”
“It’s a war!” Logan said loudly but quieted when more than a few pairs of eyes swiveled to him.
Joshua rolled his eyes, leaning forward against his knees and staring into the fire.
The fire was built up high, reaching several feet in the air and the circle of benches was wide around it. He could see everyone’s faces in the flickering light, most of which were turned towards the director as he stood in the middle, acting out his story with large gestures. Carter was across from Joshua. He wasn’t smiling or talking to any of his campers this time. Instead, he was just watching the director, eyes squinted slightly in the light.
Looking away, Joshua glanced at Logan, who still looked angry.
“When you’re older, you’ll understand there are more important things than a stupid camp war.”
“Well, I’m not older,” Logan pointed out obviously. “And you promised.”
“What other things?” Dorian asked, eyebrows furrowed, and Joshua wished he hadn’t said anything.
It was too late to stop the war now, no matter how much he wanted nothing to do with it, nothing to do with Carter. It was hard enough being at camp with him, having to see him every day, but being involved in this just made it harder.
“Nothing,” he muttered finally. “Fine, okay, we’ll do it, but not tonight. Tomorrow.”
“You swear?” Logan asked suspiciously as Joshua sighed, eyes flicking to Carter across the fire.
“Yeah,” Joshua agreed, dropping his gaze to the fire instead and watching a red hot spark pop into the air and vanish in the darkness.
Part Four >>