Part4
Reread Part Three.
*
Joshua stood back at the door, leaning against the frame and watching his campers sneak around to each bed, digging for the shoes scattered around. The moonlight was dim through the trees behind him and a stray cricket chirped in the darkness.
Arms crossed, he gazed into the dark cabin, eyes falling immediately on Carter. Carter was asleep in his bunk by the door, one hand slid underneath his pillow. His hair fell in his face messily, for once not perfectly mussed. Something in Joshua’s stomach clenched painfully as he gazed down at him. He forced his eyes away, though, as the boys filtered out the door, arms full of shoes.
After the last one, Logan with twice as many shoes as the rest of them, crept down the stairs, Joshua cast one last glance inside, sighing down at Carter, before shutting the door gently behind them.
Later, as he watched the canoe float away from the shore, filled with shoes, and the boys grinned at each other, Joshua couldn’t help feeling as though the canoe somehow held everything he’d loved about summer camp, and now it was gone.
“Alright, alright,” he said finally when the canoe had moored itself off shore and was just floating, rocking slightly in the wind. “Time for bed.”
Herding the boys back in the direction of the cabin, Joshua took up the rear. The rest of the camp was silent as they followed the path back to the cabin, flashlights bobbing on the ground head of them.
Sam fell into step beside Joshua as they walked. Logan was at the front of the group, whispering with Michael while Dorian walked behind him, tossing him careful glances. A part of Joshua (the cynical part that kept telling him he was an idiot for ever thinking he and Carter could have worked) wanted to shake Dorian and tell him to get over Logan and pick someone who he might actually have a chance in hell with. Of course, he didn’t do that, though. He was supposed to be the responsible, mature one of the group. He couldn’t go around breaking his campers’ spirits. If Dorian wanted to torture himself, there wasn’t much Joshua could do about it.
“Hey, Tramp?” Sam asked as they walked, and Joshua reminded himself for the millionth time that he had to act like nothing was wrong. The boys were starting to get more than suspicious, and he really didn’t want anyone to know about this.
“Yeah?” he asked, trying to perk up and forget about Carter and the way he looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, to forget about the ache that had formed in the pit of his stomach.
“Are you still mad about the other day?” Sam asked. “With Dorian and Logan and stuff?”
“No,” Joshua replied easily. “Why would you think that?”
Sam shrugged slightly, watching his flashlight bouncing on the ground. “You sorta seemed like you were still mad or something. I don’t know. You were acting kind of sad.”
Joshua forced a smile as he reached out, ruffling Sam’s hair and sighing. “You know, camp’s almost over. And I don’t think I’ll be coming back next year.”
“Why not?”
“I think it’s just time to let go,” Joshua said slowly. Carter obviously had.
“But you’re a great counselor,” Sam said and Joshua smiled for real this time, although it was small.
“Thanks. Wish Logan thought that.”
“Logan’s a jerk.” Sam shrugged.
Joshua didn’t agree, although he wanted to. He was a counselor after all.
“There are only a few weeks left of camp,” he said instead. “If we can make it through without anyone dying, I’d say it was a decent year.”
Sam smiled and nodded. They’d reached the cabin and Joshua followed them in, sitting down on his bed as the rest of them climbed into their beds.
“Just wait until they find their shoes,” Logan whispered eagerly as he crawled into his sleeping bag.
“Go to sleep, guys,” Joshua counseled them as the flashlights flipped off and threw the cabin into darkness. He could hear sleeping bags rustling for a few minutes before the movement stopped and the tell-tale deep breaths of sleep filled the cabin.
Sitting on his bed, Joshua sighed, rubbing his face. Everything had gotten so hard in such a short amount of time. All he could hope now was that it didn’t get worse.
*
“Nothing like a morning swim to wake you up, eh, Oberon?” Brian asked, laughing as he sat down next to Carter in the cafeteria.
Joshua kept his eyes firmly down and tried not to listen. He was trying to read a book, but most of his attention was focused on not looking at Carter. Britney was sitting between them, occasionally looking from one to the other.
“It was childish and stupid,” Britney put in. Joshua lifted his book higher, hiding behind it so he couldn’t see Carter’s reaction. He figured Britney was probably glaring at him like always and he really didn’t need to see that again.
“Yeah,” Brian agreed cheerfully. “Better stop before someone gets hurt.” He winked at Carter.
“Yeah,” Joshua muttered sarcastically into his book pages.
It had only been a few days but it hurt just as much as it had before. Joshua was getting better at hiding it, though, at least around his campers. Logan had stopped giving him suspicious looks anyway and was listening to what he told him again.
He heard Carter sigh but firmly didn’t look up. He didn’t care what Carter had to say anymore. He didn’t.
“The boys weren’t too happy to find their shoes floating halfway out in the lake,” Carter commented. “Can’t say I was either.” Joshua could hear the smile in his voice, the way his voice went up at the end of the sentence, and in his mind he could see Carter running a hand through his hair, a gesture that was so painfully familiar.
“How do you know who wins?” Faith piped up from across from Britney where she’d been busy braiding her hair and was now tying a bright pink hair band around the end.
Joshua said nothing, hearing the gap of hesitation. He turned a page in his book instead.
Carter glanced at Joshua for a second. “I’m not sure,” he said finally. “I guess we’ll just know?”
Joshua couldn’t take it anymore as he sat there. Snapping his book shut, he climbed out from the bench, heading around the long way, away from Carter.
“Where are you going?” Faith asked and Joshua didn’t spare her a glance.
“It’s almost time to go,” he replied, tone clipped as he headed for the door. He couldn’t stand to be in the same room as Carter anymore. He thought maybe he could have handled it, but he couldn’t.
The door banged open as he pushed it and stepped out. He scared a few finches on the ground and they burst into the air, twittering loudly, as he walked right through their midst.
“Tramp!”
A voice reached Joshua from behind him, but he stiffened as he recognized Carter’s voice and didn’t slow down.
“Hey, wait,” Carter said, jogging to catch up with Joshua and reaching for his arm, but Joshua jerked it away the moment Carter touched it, spinning around on his heel to glare at him.
“What?” he demanded, anger bubbling up inside of him, which was at least a change from the emptiness.
Carter’s grey eyes were soft, darker as they stood underneath the shade of the fir trees. They seemed to search his face for a second as Joshua crossed his arms defensively over his chest.
“I just want to talk to you,” he said and Joshua scoffed.
“I don’t think there’s anything to say,” he replied coldly. “It’s all perfectly clear. Don’t bother.”
“Tramp,” Carter said again, but Joshua had already turned, anger fading into the pulsing hole as he brushed away a tear angrily and left Carter to pick up his kids from arts and crafts and hope none of them had hot glued their fingers together.
*
Joshua honestly couldn’t remember a worse time at camp. Even the first week of his first year when he’d been terrified and homesick couldn’t compare. Although the time was rapidly growing shorter before the summer would be over, it still seemed to drag along like it never had before.
After the shoes in the canoe, Cedar cabin hadn’t retaliated and Joshua wondered if maybe Carter had pulled the plug on the war. He would have if it had really been an option.
On the bright side, Logan hadn’t done anything stupid lately, and Dorian had even approached Joshua one afternoon when they were supposed to be playing a game of capture the flag with Britney’s cabin. Joshua was guarding the front lines, pacing back and forth although no one had come near it for half an hour.
“Tramp?” Dorian asked as Joshua turned to pace the line again, eyes on the tree line in the distance.
“Yeah?”
He hadn’t really talked with Dorian since that fateful afternoon on the dock. Sometimes, he wished he’d never said anything. He might have avoided all of this.
Dorian hesitated a minute, tugging at the ends of his hair almost nervously. Joshua eyed him for a second but didn’t speak.
“I’m… I’m sorry for telling everybody about you,” Dorian muttered finally, and Joshua’s eyes widened in surprise. That he hadn’t expected.
He sighed as he turned again on the line. “I just wanted to be liked when I was fifteen too,” he replied finally. “But there are better ways of doing it.”
“I know,” Dorian muttered to the ground, the back of his neck red with embarrassment and shame. At least he’d learned something, Joshua thought. “Logan was just…”
“Being a pain-in-the-ass teenager,” Joshua finished for him. Dorian frowned but didn’t argue with him. “You’re not a bad kid, Dorian, but maybe you should pick who you want to like better.”
He felt like a hypocrite as the words came out of his mouth, but he didn’t take it back. It was good advice even if he didn’t even listen to himself.
Dorian frowned a little but just kicked the grass. “So what’s it like?”
“What?”
He hesitated again and Joshua quirked an eyebrow.
“Being with a guy.”
Joshua almost laughed but he stopped himself at the look on Dorian’s face, half-curious and half-embarrassed.
“Sometimes it’s great,” he replied. “Sometimes it sucks. And don’t worry if you’re not ready yet.”
“I’m ready,” Dorian said, slightly indignant, and Joshua really did laugh this time.
“Kiss your first boy and then let me know,” he only said, turning around to pace the line once more and staring off into the distance as Ewan emerged from the trees, holding the girls’ flag aloft.
*
Joshua’s hopes that the war was over came to a crashing halt when he woke a few days later to Gus walking through the door only to bounce back unexpectedly. Stumbling back, Gus blinked, confused, and Michael jumped down from his bed to stare at the doorway.
“It’s plastic,” he said slowly, poking the film of clear plastic that covered the entire doorway.
“Saran wrap,” Logan declared, poking harder at the plastic, but there were at least five layers of the plastic and it didn’t break easily. “It won’t break!”
“It’s probably glued or taped on,” Joshua said, sighing. “Anyone have a knife?”
No one spoke up, which didn’t really surprise Joshua since they weren’t allowed to bring knives to camp anyway.
“How about a sharp pen?”
Dorian rummaged in his bag and came up with one.
Taking it, Joshua turned back to the saran wrapped door and sighed. “This is going to take a while.”
There was a groan as the boys flopped down to wait on their beds or their friends’ beds. Joshua just began stabbing at the plastic with no care for technique. He really didn’t feel like being locked in his cabin all morning.
It was slow going, but eventually, enough had torn that he could pull it apart. The plastic bunched in his hands and stuck to the edges around the door. He’d worry about that later. At the moment, they were very late for breakfast.
Tossing it on the floor behind him, he turned to the guys. “Alright, come on, we’re already late.”
He should have known it was too good to be true as he stepped down the first stair and immediately slipped. His hand barely caught the handrail but not before his hip slammed into the stair. A few of the guys had followed him, and although they didn’t slip, they still came off with something sticky on the bottom of their shoes, picking up all the dirt and twigs on the ground.
Pulling himself up awkwardly and cringing at the pain in his hip, Joshua turned to inspect the stairs.
“Syrup,” he concluded, unamused, and the rest of the boys at the top of the stairs groaned. There was no choice, though, but to come down the stairs on tiptoe and try not to get it all over their shoes.
Once they were all assembled at the bottom of the stairs, Joshua sighed, running a frustrated hand through his hair. Dirt and pine needles stuck to the bottom of everyone’s shoes and they couldn’t exactly go traipsing around like that, not inside.
“We have to go wash this stuff off,” he said.
“But what about breakfast?” Michael asked and Joshua shrugged.
“If we don’t wash it off now, it’ll just be worse later.”
The rest of the campers groaned and Joshua nodded.
“I know, I know, but let’s just do it now and get it over with.” Herding the boys towards the bathrooms, he winced, rubbing at his hip lightly before following after them.
*
They were late to breakfast, just barely making the end, and the pain in Joshua’s hip had seemed to have increased as he pushed open the door and tried not to put too much pressure on that side. The result was a half a limp as he crossed the cafeteria and ignored the stares to sink onto the bench with his campers.
All fun and games until someone gets hurt, he thought to himself dully as he reached for the orange juice. They didn’t have much time before they had to go to sports, but Joshua was pretty sure he was going to stop in at the nurse’s station and get a painkiller instead.
They just managed to wolf down a few bites before everyone around them was standing up and heading off to their activities. It was barely ten o’clock and already it felt as though he’d been awake for hours. It didn’t help that when he stood, he grimaced at the pain in his hip. There was probably a big purple bruise there now.
He got the boys to the field without complaint, and Nicole gave him an odd look as he told her he wasn’t staying.
“I’ll be back in an hour,” he promised. “I just need to go see Dixie.” Dixie was actually Diane, the nurse. “And do a little cleaning.”
“Okay,” she agreed when he mentioned Dixie. “Feel better.”
Joshua didn’t respond to that, already turning and heading down the hill. It hurt to put pressure on his left side as he headed towards the nurse’s cabin. It was empty considering the early hour, and Joshua limped inside with a light knock on the door.
Dixie, an older woman with bright red hair and too many clips in the wild curls, grinned at him when she saw him. She was sitting at a desk but spun the chair around as he appeared in the doorway.
“Hey, there, Tramp, haven’t seen you here this year.”
Joshua didn’t smile but he limped inside. “I thought that was supposed to be a good thing.”
“It is,” Dixie allowed, watching him carefully. “What did you do to yourself?” Standing up, she tried to lead him to the bed. He shook his head, though.
“I just fell,” he explained, pulling up his shirt and glancing down at the big, purpling bruise that disappeared under the waist of his jeans. “Do you have any painkillers?”
“You should be more careful,” Dixie lectured him as she turned to her cabinet and rummaged in her pocket for the keys.
“Yeah,” he replied simply. He didn’t feel like explaining anything beyond this. Dixie had been at camp since before Joshua had started coming and it felt that every year, for one reason or another, he always ended up here.
“So give me the skinny,” she said as she pulled out a bottle and shook two little white pills into her hand. “Have you seen much of Carter - oh, I mean, Oberon - this year?”
“Some, yeah,” Joshua muttered, taking the pills she handed to him and waiting as she filled a small paper cup with water.
“Is he still handsome?” she asked wistfully, and Joshua rolled his eyes slightly, trying not to smile at her. She was at least fifteen years older than him. He didn’t want to think about Carter anyway, though.
“He’s fine,” he replied shortly, tossing back the pills and downing the little cup of water, crumpling the paper in his fist when he finished.
Dixie hummed lightly as she watching him take a step towards the door. “You’re okay?” she asked gently and Joshua paused, tossing her a smile.
“Of course. I’ll come back if I’m not.”
He wasn’t sure that was what she’d meant, but he didn’t give her a chance to keep him back as he left and headed towards the cafeteria for some cleaning supplies.
Loaded with buckets, scrub brushes, and cleaning solution, Joshua headed for the bathroom to get some water. He climbed the stairs with a wince of pain with each step, gripping the railing to help pull himself up without so much pressure on his hip.
As he stood at the sink filling the bucket, he stared at his reflection in the foggy mirror. His eyes look tired staring back at him under his hair that was longer than when he’d arrived, falling in pieces against his forehead. The bucket was starting to overflow before he realized and switched off the faucet.
He sighed into the silence for a minute, rubbing at his forehead and closing his eyes, head bowed down to the sink.
“Are you okay?”
A voice startled him and he jumped before whipping around to find Carter behind him. Immediately, anger and resentment surfaced in him, mixed with the aching sadness he always seemed to have whenever he was in the same room as Carter.
“Fine,” he said sharply, hauling the bucket out of the sink and limping towards the door.
He knew Carter was watching him, and the thought didn’t comfort him at all. Fumbling with the door, he managed to kick it open before Carter was there, holding it open. Joshua didn’t thank him.
“Tramp,” he said quietly. “You’re limping.”
“I hadn’t noticed,” Joshua shot back. Anger was easier than what he was really feeling. He couldn’t be around Carter without feeling like a complete loser, without his throat closing up dangerously, lower lip trembling like a teenager rejected for the school dance. “Nice job on the syrup, by the way, original.”
Carter’s face seemed to fall slightly as he realized and he opened his mouth but Joshua cut him off.
“I have to go clean now so no one else does a faceplant in the dirt.”
“Tramp,” Carter said again, but Joshua was already halfway down the stairs, ignoring the sharp jab of pain as he walked faster.
He couldn’t talk to Carter. What could he possibly have to say at this point anyway? He’d said he didn’t want anything more. They were over. Joshua wasn’t going to ease his guilty conscience.
The rest of the sports hour was spent scrubbing sticky syrup off the stairs to the cabin and picking off bits of saran wrap from around the door. By the time he was done, his arm was sore to go along with his hip, and he climbed gingerly to his feet. Lifting his shirt again, he inspected the bruise, feeling around the edges, and wincing.
There were only two weeks left of camp and he hadn’t even made it through without a painful injury. And Carter had just had to come along to add insult to injury. As he tossed the brush back into the bucket and the soap spuds splashed back at him, he sighed. This was turning out to be the worst summer ever.
*
“Why are you limping?” Britney asked bluntly as they left their campers with Alex at arts and crafts and headed to the cafeteria.
“Fell down the stairs,” Joshua replied dully, rubbing at his hip, but the bruise was just as painful as before. He could just see Britney dying to say she told him so, but she kept her mouth shut for the time being as they wandered along the path.
Instead, she just gave him a knowing look, mouth pressed tight together and he sighed.
“Why do you always give me dirty looks?” he asked finally as they rounded a corner, passing by the lake. “How come you never give anyone else dirty looks? Am I just special? Why don’t you scowl at Oberon?”
Britney paused a second, twining a piece of her long hair around her finger. “I’ve known you longer.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Joshua demanded.
She shrugged. “You’ve gotten on my nerves longer.”
“Oh, thanks,” he deadpanned, rolling his eyes.
A bird swooped past overhead, black wings flashing in the sunlight as it vanished into one of the many trees that bordered the path.
“And you may be really stupid sometimes,” she continued despite Joshua’s frown, “but you might be my favorite person here.”
“Oh, god,” Joshua groaned and she shot him an unamused glare, shoving his shoulder.
“Shut up, or I’ll just decide I hate you.”
“I could live with that.”
Britney sneered as Joshua laughed at her.
“But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re stupid,” she went on. “You and Oberon.”
“Let’s not talk about him.” Joshua sighed, the smile falling from his face.
“Fine,” she said loftily as the cafeteria loomed into sight out of the trees. “But ignoring it won’t make your problem go away.”
“I don’t have a problem,” he muttered. “It’s over.”
Britney didn’t reply, but Joshua caught her rolling her eyes before they reached the cafeteria and went inside.
*
Joshua shifted gingerly on the bench, making a face at his meatloaf. He was definitely not a fan.
“I still like the snake idea,” Logan was saying, and Joshua frowned as he finally started listening in.
“It’s dumb, though,” Michael pointed out obviously, pointing at Logan with his fork. “Where are you going to get a snake?”
“Well, we have to do something. What’s your brilliant idea?” Logan sneered, rolling his eyes.
“Guys,” Joshua interrupted. “I don’t know if it’s a great idea to retaliate.”
“Why not?” Logan demanded. “You’re limping because of them.”
“I’m fine,” Joshua said seriously. “Not everything is life and death. We should cut our losses while we can.”
“You’re surrendering?” Logan asked incredulously, and Joshua sighed.
“It’s not a real war,” he explained obviously. “It doesn’t matter who wins or loses.”
“Yes, it does!”
Michael set down his fork and reached for his drink while Logan frowned at Joshua as though he was giving up completely. Dorian was looking between Logan and Joshua, clearly not sure which side he was supposed to be taking, or which one he wanted to at any rate.
“Let it go, Logan,” Sam piped up from down the table and Logan shot him an annoyed look.
“You all suck,” he declared, slumping back into his seat and glaring at Sam now. Sam didn’t seem bothered.
“Camp is almost over anyway,” Joshua reminded him as he set his own fork down. Clearly he was not going to eat the meatloaf on his plate. “No one will remember who won or lost after this.”
“You’re the one who started it,” Logan pointed out moodily. “Why start something if you’re not going to finish?”
A part of Joshua did feel guilty for copping out on the war since it had been his idea, but with the recent events, his heart just wasn’t in it anymore. He didn’t know how to explain that to Logan or if he would even understand if he did. The other part, though, was glad that it would be over. It was one less tie to Carter, one less thing to remind him of the gaping chasm inside him that used to be filled with Carter’s smile and his laugh.
He didn’t know what to tell Logan as dinner ended and they decided to skip the campfire that night. No one seemed much up to it, and Joshua would rather have spent his time trying to sleep off the bruise on his side.
As they walked back to the cabin in the dim twilight, Logan sent him a dirty look before speeding up to walk next to Michael and Dorian. Joshua could only shake his head and let him go. Besides, camp would be over soon and he could forget about all of this as a bad dream.
*
In between hikes and tie-dye lessons, games of flag football and badly attempted flirting with the girls by the lake during swim hour, the time finally seemed to pass a little quicker. Joshua still found himself sitting alone a lot of the time. He merely told himself that it was preparation for when he went back to school. He couldn’t say the thought was a happy one.
He could stand to be in the same room as Carter now, but only if he completely ignored him. It was almost like he didn’t exist. Except that he did exist. He was always there, and sometimes Joshua could just sense him. He could smell his shampoo and see the way he helped people carry things or climb up hills, strong hands on their arms as he pulled them along. He could remember the way it had felt when Carter would do that for him. He could remember everything, which just made it harder to let go.
A part of him didn’t want to let go. Some naïve little piece of his heart still thought that maybe, somehow, Carter did care. The other, more rational part of him, though, knew he was being an idiot for even thinking it.
Logan had finally dropped the push for retaliation, although Joshua still caught him throwing disapproving looks his way now and again.
It would all be over soon was Joshua’s only consolation, and even that wasn’t much of one. He spent most of his year looking forward to camp and this year it had turned out just as bad as the rest of his year. He didn’t know why the past year had been so difficult, but it had been, and he’d wanted to come back to camp and have nothing change. Camp was supposed to be unchanging.
He had changed, though. That must have been the problem. He had grown up and he’d changed too much for camp.
It didn’t matter, though. Soon he’d be back at school and Carter would be a faded memory, just like all the time spent on the lake or the tie-dye socks he still had stuffed in his drawer back home.
With that mindset, then, Joshua tried his best to forget about Carter and to fill the hole inside his heart with anything else. He threw himself into the last few weeks of camp, staying to help at arts and crafts and playing all the games in the morning sports’ hour.
He came back to the cabin tired at night and ready to fall into blissful, dreamless sleep. It really was the best medicine.
A week before camp ended, Joshua led his campers back to the cabin after a rather relaxing day in which they hadn’t done much aside from the usual scheduled activities. For the first time, and rather unusually, Logan and Dorian appeared to be getting along.
They were actually talking and laughing together when they entered the cabin, and Joshua raised a surprised eyebrow as he sunk down onto his bunk. He hadn’t thought he’d ever see the day when Dorian and Logan might actually become friends considering Dorian’s crush and Logan’s general behavior.
“What’s up with you two?” he asked curiously as he watched Logan whisper something to Dorian and they both laughed.
“Nothing,” Logan said innocently, and had it been anyone else, Joshua might have believed him.
He paused, glancing between them carefully. Dorian was just smiling, as though he knew some sort of secret. If Logan was involved, Joshua wasn’t sure it was necessarily a good one.
“Really? Nothing?” he asked, and Logan grinned.
He shrugged obviously, elbowing Dorian in the side. “Do you know what a snipe is?” he asked, and Joshua frowned slightly.
“Yeah,” he agreed slowly.
Logan’s grin widened and he glanced at Dorian. “We told two kids from Cedar cabin about snipes, said we were gonna catch one tonight. We said whoever caught one would win the war.”
He looked pretty pleased with himself. Joshua, on the other hand, felt his heart dropping as he stared at Logan.
“What?” he asked sharply, standing up quickly. “How could you do that?” he demanded, already looking around for his flashlight since it was fairly dark outside, already late and past when they should have been in bed.
“What?” Logan asked, shrugging obviously. “You weren’t gonna get Cedar cabin back.”
“No!” Joshua snapped, so loudly that several of the boys jumped. “You don’t understand how dangerous it is to be out there at night alone!”
“They’re not alone. There’s two of them…” Logan started to say but Joshua talked over him as he snatched his flashlight from the bottom of his bag.
“You are in so much trouble,” Joshua said seriously, shaking his head in disbelief. “When I get back, we are going straight to the director. For now, no one leaves this cabin.” He stared around at them all, deadly serious. His heart was pounding desperately in his chest as the panic overtook him. “I’m going get Oberon and we’re going to find those kids. If I’m not back by morning, go straight to the director and tell him what happened.” He turned to Logan and Dorian, who looked both scared and confused. “I’m so disappointed in you,” he just said before he grabbed a hoodie and left the cabin.
The paths were dark as he broke into a run, jumping the steps up to Cedar cabin before pounding loudly on the door.
It only took a few seconds before it was pulled open and one of the campers stood there, looking extremely confused and suspicious to find Joshua standing in their doorway, trying to catch his breath.
“Where’s Oberon?” he demanded and the kid opened his mouth, but Carter stepped out from behind the door.
“Tramp, what are you-” he started to say, taking in the way Joshua was breathing hard, hoodie pulled on only halfway.
“We have a problem,” Joshua interrupted him, for the first time in weeks ignoring the awkwardness between them. This was bigger than that.
Carter just shook his head, frowning slightly.
“Apparently some of my kids told some of yours that they were going on a snipe hunt,” Joshua said quickly, watching Carter’s eyes widen.
“Shit,” Carter cursed, forgetting he was surrounded by campers. “Where are they?”
“I don’t know,” Joshua said urgently. “In the woods somewhere!”
“What’s a snipe?” one of the boys piped up curiously, but Carter ran a nervous hand through his hair, shaking his head again.
“Nothing, it’s not real. It doesn’t exist,” he said quickly, staring at Joshua as if willing him to say it was all a joke. When he didn’t, he turned sharply to the boys, eyes sweeping over, and Joshua could practically see him doing a headcount. “Where’s Danny and Eric?”
The other boys glanced around now, clearly not even realizing someone had been missing.
“Shit!” Carter cursed again, louder this time. Turning immediately to his bed, he dug out his flashlight and grabbed his shoes. “Listen,” he told his cabin as he forced his shoes on, not bothering to untie the laces. “I’m gonna go find them. No one is to leave this cabin, do you hear me? Anyone steps one foot out that door and they’re dead. Got it?”
The boys all nodded quickly and Carter stood up, following Joshua out the door and shutting it firmly behind him.
“Oh my God,” Carter muttered as they headed for the edge of the forest, flashlight bobbing in front of them. “I can’t believe they were so stupid.”
“Which ones?” Joshua scoffed and Carter groaned.
“All of them! I mean, come on!. They’re fifteen not five!”
Carter kept running his hair through his hands, making it more messy than perfect. He didn’t look as though he cared at the moment, though, walking hurriedly next to Joshua as they plunged down the path that led into the woods and away from the camp.
“Dorian probably just went along because of his ridiculous crush on Logan,” Joshua muttered, rolling his eyes as he flashed his light into the trees, hoping that maybe the campers hadn’t gone too far and all this panic was for nothing.
“Danny!” Carter called into the woods. “Eric!”
There was no response except for the chirping of crickets and the sound the wind made as it blew through the leaves above them. The moonlight couldn’t push through the close-growing trees that edged up on the winding path. The woods appeared to be empty which wasn’t exactly a good sign.
Joshua’s heart, which had been pounding violently before, had calmed slightly, the panic settling into a different kind of worry as he and Carter walked down the path into the dark woods. He could hear the way Carter’s footsteps fell on the ground, heavier than his own, breaking twigs and crunching leaves. For the first time in weeks, he was truly alone with Carter.
“Danny!” Carter called again, searching the darkness with his flashlight, but it only fell on tree trunks and bushes. The answering silence was enough to make Carter sigh and shake his head. “I can’t believe this happened.”
Joshua didn’t say anything, now preoccupied with the realization that he was alone in the woods with Carter, the exact situation he hadn’t wanted to find himself in.
“Sorry,” was all Joshua could think to mutter, and Carter looked at him, eyebrows furrowed.
“What are you sorry for?” he asked. “It’s not your fault.”
“I should have kept a closer watch on Logan,” Joshua replied. He felt as though if he hadn’t been so distracted with all his own issues, maybe he could have kept a better control over him and they wouldn’t be in this situation.
“You can’t control him,” Carter said, still staring at Joshua, and Joshua looked away. He didn’t like the way Carter was watching him. It made him feel like he had three weeks ago when he’d walked away for the last time. “If anything, I should have kept a closer watch on my kids. I mean, I didn’t even notice they were gone. How bad of a counselor am I?”
Joshua didn’t reply, shying away from Carter’s gaze and searching the woods again. There was no sign of anyone, no bobbing flashlights, no sounds of crumpling leaves. He knew he was supposed to be freaking out about finding the lost kids, but he couldn’t help that his heart was pounding due to Carter’s eyes on him instead. Picking up his pace, he walked on ahead, flashing his light through the gaps in the trees hopelessly.
Carter sped up too. “Tramp?” he said but Joshua looked away from him.
“Eric!” he called instead, trying to ignore Carter beside him.
“Tramp,” he tried again, more firmly this time, but Joshua was trying not to listen to him. He hadn’t come out here to talk to Carter. He’d come out because it was both of their faults that two kids were wandering around somewhere in the woods. “Josh.”
“No,” Joshua replied sharply, staring hard into the woods although all he could see was darkness pressing in against his eyeballs.
“Will you just let me talk to you?” Carter asked, something desperate in his voice, but Joshua shook his head, swallowing down the lump that had risen in his throat.
“We’re not here to talk,” he snapped. “We’re here to find Danny and Eric before they get eaten by mountain lions.”
“Hey,” Carter said, tone sharper, and he grabbed Joshua’s arm before he could pull it away, forcing him to stop walking. “You keep doing this. You won’t even let me explain anything.”
“What’s there to explain?” Joshua asked, pulling his arm out of Carter’s grip with a dark look. “It’s over. We’re over.”
Turning, he started walking again purposefully although he had no idea where he was going. Carter didn’t let him get far, though.
“Don’t you want to know why I said no?” Carter asked, jogging to catch Joshua, who scoffed as he spun around, nearly running into Carter behind him.
“I know why you said no,” he replied sharply, looking away from Carter’s big, dark eyes. “You don’t like me. You were just fucking around while I thought something completely wrong. Gee, what a surprise.”
“No,” Carter said urgently as Joshua turned again, shining his flashlight around them, although he was sure neither of the campers were nearby. Surely they would have heard them arguing. “It’s not that I don’t like you.”
“No,” Joshua scoffed. “You just only want sex. It’s fine, I get it.”
“You don’t get it,” Carter replied, voice harder, almost angry. “You’re not listening to me, Josh. You won’t even let me talk to you.”
“Well, it hurts, okay?” Joshua exploded, eyes flying back to Carter’s, and Carter even looked taken aback at his outburst. “It hurts to talk to you and be around you when I know that I’m the only one who cares, I’m the only one who’s getting hurt. You’re free to move on with your life and leave me behind because I don’t matter to you. You can do whatever you want and I’m stuck feeling like someone ripped out my heart and threw it in the lake.”
“You do matter to me,” Carter said seriously, but Joshua scoffed, shaking his head. He could feel the lump growing bigger in his throat.
“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better,” he said. “In fact, it just makes me feel worse.”
Turning away, he lifted his flashlight again. They were completely and utterly alone in the woods, and the thought didn’t make him feel better as he remembered why they were out there in the first place. He took a step forward, but he was stopped again by Carter’s hand on his shoulder, pulling him back around.
“I’m not lying,” he said, voice low, and eyes on the ground for a second as he huffed out a sigh. “I was scared.”
“What?” Joshua tried to be skeptical but he just didn’t have the energy. This was more than he ever wanted to do with Carter. Couldn’t Carter just leave him alone to get over this in peace? Why did he have to keep bringing things up? Keep talking to him?
“Look, I’ve never actually been in a real relationship,” Carter admitted despite the way Joshua stared at him. He almost didn’t believe him. “That guy last year, I mean, it didn’t even last a month. I couldn’t do it.”
“You couldn’t do it,” Joshua repeated dimly. “Did you cheat on him or something?”
“No,” Carter said, sighing loudly. “I just didn’t know what to do with myself, you know? I had no idea. I felt like an idiot the whole time.”
“So?” Joshua asked frankly, staring at him. “What does that have to do with me?”
Carter scrubbed a hand through his hair, and Joshua frowned. He’d never really seen Carter nervous before, and to be honest, it sort of freaked him out.
“Josh,” he said, sighing softly. “I’ve liked you since I met you, and I never wanted to fuck it up, but that’s exactly what would happen.”
“It already happened,” Joshua pointed out obviously, staring at Carter. He wasn’t quite sure what to believe at this point.
“It’d be worse,” Carter assured him. “Besides, we don’t even live in the same state. Long-distance relationships never work. My parents tried and now they’re divorced and hate each other.”
Joshua paused, taking it in and frowning at Carter. Somewhere in the woods, an owl hooted ominously and the wind whistled through the trees. His flashlight was limp in his hand and for a moment, he’d completely forgotten about Danny and Eric.
“So you’re saying that you let us break up, or whatever, because you can’t do relationships?” Joshua asked slowly. “And every time you get close to one, you give up.”
“I don’t give up,” Carter argued but then stopped. “I mean, I… “ He frowned. “Fuck.”
Joshua shook his head, turning from Carter and starting down the path again. Maybe Carter was right, he thought with a pain. Maybe they were better off this way.
“Okay,” Carter said, catching up with Joshua as he continued down the path, looking for the campers. “I haven’t had great examples of relationships in my life. My parents are divorced and hate each other and I’ve never gone out with a guy more than a month… Except you.”
Joshua paused but didn’t look at him, keeping his eyes glued to the darkness before him. His flashlight shone over the tree roots that surged from the ground in an attempt to trip him.
“If you think about it, you’re the longest relationship I’ve ever had,” Carter said, watching Joshua, who frowned slightly.
“I thought it wasn’t a relationship.”
“Who are we kidding?” Carter admitted, halting on the path and reaching for Joshua’s arm to stop him too. Joshua stopped reluctantly, turning around and watching Carter. He didn’t know what was going to happen and he wasn’t even sure what he wanted to happen. “And that sort of made me think. If you’re the only person I’ve ever managed this with, it must mean something.”
Joshua didn’t know what to say, especially when Carter pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and Joshua recognized the note from three years ago, the one he’d dumped in the trees weeks ago.
“Where did you get that?” he asked, eyes widening, and Carter shrugged.
“Britney gave it to me a few days ago.” He didn’t uncrumple it but held it in his hand. “I wouldn’t have written something like this three years ago… but I would have written it now.” He glanced at Joshua slowly. “You just already knew. I didn’t until it was too late.”
The air was too warm despite it being dark and Joshua sucked in a slow breath as he watched Carter carefully. This couldn’t mean what he thought.
“Carter.” His voice was shaky as Carter took a step forward, stuffing the paper back in his pocket, and his heart was beating faster, nervous and confused.
Carter was staring at him, eyes dark in the dim starlight that fell through the trees. He looked completely serious for once.
“The past three weeks have sucked without you. And I never noticed it before, during the school year, but I always feel better when I’m with you. I always look forward to seeing you too. I just never realized how much until I couldn’t anymore.” Carter’s hand lifted to the back of his neck, rubbing lightly as he glanced at Joshua carefully. “I know we don’t live close together, and I know I suck at this, but I don’t know if I can leave here without…” He trailed away with a significant look at Joshua.
“Without?”
Carter sighed, dropping his hand, looking slightly awkward. “… You.”
Blinking slowly, Joshua just stared, heart fluttering in his chest, a mixture of hope and fear clutching at him. The owl hooted again, louder, as if it was right on top of him. Carter didn’t say any more, waiting for Joshua to say something, to react at all.
“Carter,” Joshua said finally, watching Carter’s eyes flick immediately to his. “I-”
“Hello?”
A voice cut straight through them and they could hear two people crashing through bushes nearby. He turned jerkily away from Carter, flashlight falling on two teenager boys, one of which held up his arms to shield his eyes from the bright light.
“Eric!” Carter sighed loudly, relieved. “Thank God.”
Eric emerged out of the woods with another boy behind him. He shot Joshua a suspicious look. “What’s he doing here?” he asked, frowning at Joshua. “Did they find the snipe first?”
Carter rolled his eyes in frustration. “You idiot, there’s no such thing as a snipe,” he said, grabbing Eric by the shoulder and starting to steer him back towards camp. Joshua gave the other one a little push to walk ahead of him. “How could you go out in the woods at night alone?”
“Well, they said-”
“They were lying! Trying to get you out in the woods alone.” Carter huffed as he marched the boy back along the path. Joshua was silent, his mind still on what he’d been about to say a minute ago before they’d been interrupted. “This war is officially over.”
Joshua had to agree and he was glad for it. He didn’t think he could take anymore.
When they got back to camp, Joshua accompanied them back to Cedar cabin and Carter sent them in first with a stern threat of punishment. Turning back to Joshua, he paused, and Joshua bit his bottom lip slowly.
“I have to get back,” Joshua said finally as the silence stretched, and Carter nodded slowly. “Tomorrow… I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Carter’s mouth pursed slightly but he didn’t stop Joshua from turning and heading to his own cabin. Joshua glanced back only once to see the strip of light from the cabin vanish as the door shut behind Carter, and he left for his own cabin and to administer some punishment of his own.
*
“This sucks,” Logan complained for the hundredth time. Joshua just crossed his arms firmly, leaning against the doorway to the boathouse as he supervised Logan and Dorian. They’d been sentenced to cleaning out the boathouse from top to bottom, including scrubbing the outside and clearing out all the spiders, plus they were no longer allowed to participate in swimming or canoeing. Instead, they had to sit in the nurses’ cabin and listen to Dixie’s stories about years gone past.
Dorian didn’t complain, just frowned unhappily as he moved boxes from inside the house to outside.
“You brought it upon yourself,” Joshua said, watching Dorian jump as he came across a large, black spider.
Logan stood up, scowling. “They were dumb enough to listen to us.”
“And you were dumb enough to tell them.” Joshua sighed, shaking his head. “You deserve every bit of punishment the director gave you.”
Logan just scowled and grabbed another box. Dorian squashed the spider under his shoe and grabbed a box too, pausing as he passed Joshua.
“Tramp,” he said slowly, not meeting his eyes, and Joshua waited. “I didn’t mean to.”
Joshua just sighed. “Well, you did. Can’t change that.”
Dorian lowered his head as he nodded and dragged his feet outside to dump the box.
*
“Is it just me, or did kids get really stupid the last few years?” Joshua looked around at the few counselors sitting around the table in the bright cafeteria.
“It’s not just you,” Brian agreed.
“And it’s not just kids,” Britney interjected with a significant glance. Joshua was glad that Carter wasn’t there when she said it. He hadn’t seen him since they’d taken the boys to the director together, and there hadn’t been any time to talk then.
It had been a few days since the woods, but they’d been too busy to actually talk, and Joshua wasn’t sure what he was going to say when he finally did have to talk to Carter. He had to do it soon, though. Camp was coming to an end and he’d already started reminding his campers to start packing.
Soon enough, it would all be over. He supposed it depended what happened next whether or not he’d be relieved.
“I’ll just be glad to get a little privacy,” Faith piped up from down the bench. “Ten girls in a cabin for two months is too long.”
“Does that mean you’re not coming back next year?” Britney asked curiously, pulling out a bottle of pink fingernail polish and unscrewing the top.
“I don’t know,” she said thoughtfully. “Haven’t decided. You?”
Britney shrugged. “Might as well. But we’ll see.” She glanced at Joshua. “Tramp? You coming back?”
Joshua looked away from the window where he’d been staring out at the perfectly blue sky. “I don’t think so.” He shook his head. “I think I’m done.”
Britney’s eyebrow went up but she didn’t question any further. Instead, she dipped the top into the polish and started painting her nails.
There was still a good half an hour before he had to go collect his campers from arts and crafts, and Joshua was content to sit in silence. The past few days still weighed heavily on his mind and he knew he had to talk to Carter.
Just as the thought entered his mind, the door to the cafeteria opened and Carter stepped in, looking tired but awake as he left the door open behind him.
“Hey, Oberon,” Brian greeted him and Carter responded with a nod and half a smile, but his eyes were on Joshua as he traversed the room, maneuvering around the many tables to reach where Joshua was sitting.
“Tramp, I need to talk to you,” he said quietly, and Joshua’s heart skipped a beat as he hesitated a second before nodding and rising from his seat.
He knew Britney’s eyes were on him as he followed Carter out of the cafeteria and into the warm sun outside.
This was it, he knew, his heart beating louder in his ears. Carter was leading the way away from the cafeteria, towards the lake, but they didn’t get that far as Carter stopped. He stepped off the path a few feet, and Joshua followed him without a word.
When Carter turned to him finally, it was with a nervousness to his gaze. He hesitated. “I hope you know why I need to talk to you.”
“Yeah,” Joshua muttered, kicking the ground slightly.
“I meant what I said,” Carter said finally. “I may not be very good at relationships or really know anything about them, but I know about you, and… I like you.”
He finished awkwardly, scrubbing his hair to fill the seconds that passed as Joshua tried to think of what to say, of how to word it, but he knew however he said it, it didn’t matter. It was going to come out one way or another.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Joshua said at length. “You know I like you. You know what I want.”
“I know, but-” Carter stopped, stepping closer to Joshua. “But I fucked up. I want to know if you’ll forgive me and maybe ask me again.”
“Ask you again?” Joshua didn’t frown, but his nose did wrinkle slightly in confusion. Carter didn’t look as if he was joking, and Joshua felt like smiling for the first time in weeks. “Okay.” He took a breath and tried not to smile as Carter watched him nervously. “Oberon - Carter - do you want to go out with me?”
Carter smiled slowly and Joshua’s heart skipped another beat as he watched.
“Yeah,” Carter replied simply. “Yeah, I do.”
“Good.”
Carter grinned. “Good.”
Joshua rocked back on his feet for a second before Carter rolled his eyes and reached out, pulling him in closer.
“Come here,” he murmured, leaning into Joshua’s mouth, and the kiss was soft and slow. It was a sweet rush of emotions as Joshua tried not to grin too much, wrapping his arms around Carter’s neck and sliding in closer.
A balloon was welling up inside him as he kissed Carter, an unbreakable swelling of happiness. For the first time in weeks, things were falling into the right place. He didn’t even care if someone saw them. He just sunk his hand into Carter’s hair and hummed contentedly against his mouth.
“Now we’ve just got to figure out the distance thing,” Carter murmured when they broke apart and he pressed a soft kiss to Joshua’s chin. “In case you haven’t noticed, I kinda suck at facebook too.”
“About that,” Joshua said slowly, rubbing his fingers at the base of Carter’s neck slowly and enjoying the soft skim of Carter’s mouth against his skin. “There’s something I didn’t tell you.”
“Yeah?” Carter asked, pulling back slightly, and Joshua could hear the unease in his words. “You’re not, like, moving out of the country, are you?”
Joshua shook his head. “You remember I told you I hated my school?”
Carter nodded slowly, a hand tracing down Joshua’s neck slowly as if he didn’t want to let go now that they’d finally figured something out.
“Last spring, I applied for a transfer.”
Carter frowned. “God, don’t tell me it’s even further away.”
“No,” Joshua replied slowly. “Actually, I’m going to San Diego State University.”
Carter stared for a moment. “San Diego State,” he repeated slowly. “As in two hours from Pomona?”
Joshua shrugged. “I haven’t clocked it yet.” He smiled as Carter let out a huff of air before grinning.
“Why didn’t you tell me, like, eight weeks ago?”
“Because,” Joshua said slowly, sliding his hand out of Carter’s hair to rest against his chest. “I didn’t want you to think it was because of you.”
“It wasn’t?”
“Well, maybe a little,” Joshua admitted, and Carter grinned at him. “But mostly not. I swear.”
“Had to get out of the snow, didn’t you?” Carter asked, brushing Joshua’s hair aside as Joshua shrugged.
“I heard California’s nice,” he said, “and there are perks to moving across the country.”
“Nude beaches?” Carter asked, grinning at the way Joshua rolled his eyes.
“Shut up.”
“Okay,” Carter agreed, pulling him in for a kiss that left Joshua breathless when they were rudely interrupted a few minutes later by Britney crashing off the path and to where they stood, not even remotely hidden.
“You guys are the most obvious people ever,” she declared, rolling her eyes in frustration. “For God’s sake, at least go do it in the shower.”
“That is an excellent idea, Buttercup,” Carter said brightly. “You’ll watch after our campers, won’t you?”
He grabbed Joshua’s hand and pulled him back towards the path as Britney’s mouth fell open indignantly. Joshua shot her a smile and a helpless shrug as Carter tugged him along. At least this time, he’d know for sure why the next time Britney shot him a dirty glare. But to be honest, he didn’t care at all.
*
FIN.
Art by postnotice
*
Joshua stood back at the door, leaning against the frame and watching his campers sneak around to each bed, digging for the shoes scattered around. The moonlight was dim through the trees behind him and a stray cricket chirped in the darkness.
Arms crossed, he gazed into the dark cabin, eyes falling immediately on Carter. Carter was asleep in his bunk by the door, one hand slid underneath his pillow. His hair fell in his face messily, for once not perfectly mussed. Something in Joshua’s stomach clenched painfully as he gazed down at him. He forced his eyes away, though, as the boys filtered out the door, arms full of shoes.
After the last one, Logan with twice as many shoes as the rest of them, crept down the stairs, Joshua cast one last glance inside, sighing down at Carter, before shutting the door gently behind them.
Later, as he watched the canoe float away from the shore, filled with shoes, and the boys grinned at each other, Joshua couldn’t help feeling as though the canoe somehow held everything he’d loved about summer camp, and now it was gone.
“Alright, alright,” he said finally when the canoe had moored itself off shore and was just floating, rocking slightly in the wind. “Time for bed.”
Herding the boys back in the direction of the cabin, Joshua took up the rear. The rest of the camp was silent as they followed the path back to the cabin, flashlights bobbing on the ground head of them.
Sam fell into step beside Joshua as they walked. Logan was at the front of the group, whispering with Michael while Dorian walked behind him, tossing him careful glances. A part of Joshua (the cynical part that kept telling him he was an idiot for ever thinking he and Carter could have worked) wanted to shake Dorian and tell him to get over Logan and pick someone who he might actually have a chance in hell with. Of course, he didn’t do that, though. He was supposed to be the responsible, mature one of the group. He couldn’t go around breaking his campers’ spirits. If Dorian wanted to torture himself, there wasn’t much Joshua could do about it.
“Hey, Tramp?” Sam asked as they walked, and Joshua reminded himself for the millionth time that he had to act like nothing was wrong. The boys were starting to get more than suspicious, and he really didn’t want anyone to know about this.
“Yeah?” he asked, trying to perk up and forget about Carter and the way he looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, to forget about the ache that had formed in the pit of his stomach.
“Are you still mad about the other day?” Sam asked. “With Dorian and Logan and stuff?”
“No,” Joshua replied easily. “Why would you think that?”
Sam shrugged slightly, watching his flashlight bouncing on the ground. “You sorta seemed like you were still mad or something. I don’t know. You were acting kind of sad.”
Joshua forced a smile as he reached out, ruffling Sam’s hair and sighing. “You know, camp’s almost over. And I don’t think I’ll be coming back next year.”
“Why not?”
“I think it’s just time to let go,” Joshua said slowly. Carter obviously had.
“But you’re a great counselor,” Sam said and Joshua smiled for real this time, although it was small.
“Thanks. Wish Logan thought that.”
“Logan’s a jerk.” Sam shrugged.
Joshua didn’t agree, although he wanted to. He was a counselor after all.
“There are only a few weeks left of camp,” he said instead. “If we can make it through without anyone dying, I’d say it was a decent year.”
Sam smiled and nodded. They’d reached the cabin and Joshua followed them in, sitting down on his bed as the rest of them climbed into their beds.
“Just wait until they find their shoes,” Logan whispered eagerly as he crawled into his sleeping bag.
“Go to sleep, guys,” Joshua counseled them as the flashlights flipped off and threw the cabin into darkness. He could hear sleeping bags rustling for a few minutes before the movement stopped and the tell-tale deep breaths of sleep filled the cabin.
Sitting on his bed, Joshua sighed, rubbing his face. Everything had gotten so hard in such a short amount of time. All he could hope now was that it didn’t get worse.
*
“Nothing like a morning swim to wake you up, eh, Oberon?” Brian asked, laughing as he sat down next to Carter in the cafeteria.
Joshua kept his eyes firmly down and tried not to listen. He was trying to read a book, but most of his attention was focused on not looking at Carter. Britney was sitting between them, occasionally looking from one to the other.
“It was childish and stupid,” Britney put in. Joshua lifted his book higher, hiding behind it so he couldn’t see Carter’s reaction. He figured Britney was probably glaring at him like always and he really didn’t need to see that again.
“Yeah,” Brian agreed cheerfully. “Better stop before someone gets hurt.” He winked at Carter.
“Yeah,” Joshua muttered sarcastically into his book pages.
It had only been a few days but it hurt just as much as it had before. Joshua was getting better at hiding it, though, at least around his campers. Logan had stopped giving him suspicious looks anyway and was listening to what he told him again.
He heard Carter sigh but firmly didn’t look up. He didn’t care what Carter had to say anymore. He didn’t.
“The boys weren’t too happy to find their shoes floating halfway out in the lake,” Carter commented. “Can’t say I was either.” Joshua could hear the smile in his voice, the way his voice went up at the end of the sentence, and in his mind he could see Carter running a hand through his hair, a gesture that was so painfully familiar.
“How do you know who wins?” Faith piped up from across from Britney where she’d been busy braiding her hair and was now tying a bright pink hair band around the end.
Joshua said nothing, hearing the gap of hesitation. He turned a page in his book instead.
Carter glanced at Joshua for a second. “I’m not sure,” he said finally. “I guess we’ll just know?”
Joshua couldn’t take it anymore as he sat there. Snapping his book shut, he climbed out from the bench, heading around the long way, away from Carter.
“Where are you going?” Faith asked and Joshua didn’t spare her a glance.
“It’s almost time to go,” he replied, tone clipped as he headed for the door. He couldn’t stand to be in the same room as Carter anymore. He thought maybe he could have handled it, but he couldn’t.
The door banged open as he pushed it and stepped out. He scared a few finches on the ground and they burst into the air, twittering loudly, as he walked right through their midst.
“Tramp!”
A voice reached Joshua from behind him, but he stiffened as he recognized Carter’s voice and didn’t slow down.
“Hey, wait,” Carter said, jogging to catch up with Joshua and reaching for his arm, but Joshua jerked it away the moment Carter touched it, spinning around on his heel to glare at him.
“What?” he demanded, anger bubbling up inside of him, which was at least a change from the emptiness.
Carter’s grey eyes were soft, darker as they stood underneath the shade of the fir trees. They seemed to search his face for a second as Joshua crossed his arms defensively over his chest.
“I just want to talk to you,” he said and Joshua scoffed.
“I don’t think there’s anything to say,” he replied coldly. “It’s all perfectly clear. Don’t bother.”
“Tramp,” Carter said again, but Joshua had already turned, anger fading into the pulsing hole as he brushed away a tear angrily and left Carter to pick up his kids from arts and crafts and hope none of them had hot glued their fingers together.
*
Joshua honestly couldn’t remember a worse time at camp. Even the first week of his first year when he’d been terrified and homesick couldn’t compare. Although the time was rapidly growing shorter before the summer would be over, it still seemed to drag along like it never had before.
After the shoes in the canoe, Cedar cabin hadn’t retaliated and Joshua wondered if maybe Carter had pulled the plug on the war. He would have if it had really been an option.
On the bright side, Logan hadn’t done anything stupid lately, and Dorian had even approached Joshua one afternoon when they were supposed to be playing a game of capture the flag with Britney’s cabin. Joshua was guarding the front lines, pacing back and forth although no one had come near it for half an hour.
“Tramp?” Dorian asked as Joshua turned to pace the line again, eyes on the tree line in the distance.
“Yeah?”
He hadn’t really talked with Dorian since that fateful afternoon on the dock. Sometimes, he wished he’d never said anything. He might have avoided all of this.
Dorian hesitated a minute, tugging at the ends of his hair almost nervously. Joshua eyed him for a second but didn’t speak.
“I’m… I’m sorry for telling everybody about you,” Dorian muttered finally, and Joshua’s eyes widened in surprise. That he hadn’t expected.
He sighed as he turned again on the line. “I just wanted to be liked when I was fifteen too,” he replied finally. “But there are better ways of doing it.”
“I know,” Dorian muttered to the ground, the back of his neck red with embarrassment and shame. At least he’d learned something, Joshua thought. “Logan was just…”
“Being a pain-in-the-ass teenager,” Joshua finished for him. Dorian frowned but didn’t argue with him. “You’re not a bad kid, Dorian, but maybe you should pick who you want to like better.”
He felt like a hypocrite as the words came out of his mouth, but he didn’t take it back. It was good advice even if he didn’t even listen to himself.
Dorian frowned a little but just kicked the grass. “So what’s it like?”
“What?”
He hesitated again and Joshua quirked an eyebrow.
“Being with a guy.”
Joshua almost laughed but he stopped himself at the look on Dorian’s face, half-curious and half-embarrassed.
“Sometimes it’s great,” he replied. “Sometimes it sucks. And don’t worry if you’re not ready yet.”
“I’m ready,” Dorian said, slightly indignant, and Joshua really did laugh this time.
“Kiss your first boy and then let me know,” he only said, turning around to pace the line once more and staring off into the distance as Ewan emerged from the trees, holding the girls’ flag aloft.
*
Joshua’s hopes that the war was over came to a crashing halt when he woke a few days later to Gus walking through the door only to bounce back unexpectedly. Stumbling back, Gus blinked, confused, and Michael jumped down from his bed to stare at the doorway.
“It’s plastic,” he said slowly, poking the film of clear plastic that covered the entire doorway.
“Saran wrap,” Logan declared, poking harder at the plastic, but there were at least five layers of the plastic and it didn’t break easily. “It won’t break!”
“It’s probably glued or taped on,” Joshua said, sighing. “Anyone have a knife?”
No one spoke up, which didn’t really surprise Joshua since they weren’t allowed to bring knives to camp anyway.
“How about a sharp pen?”
Dorian rummaged in his bag and came up with one.
Taking it, Joshua turned back to the saran wrapped door and sighed. “This is going to take a while.”
There was a groan as the boys flopped down to wait on their beds or their friends’ beds. Joshua just began stabbing at the plastic with no care for technique. He really didn’t feel like being locked in his cabin all morning.
It was slow going, but eventually, enough had torn that he could pull it apart. The plastic bunched in his hands and stuck to the edges around the door. He’d worry about that later. At the moment, they were very late for breakfast.
Tossing it on the floor behind him, he turned to the guys. “Alright, come on, we’re already late.”
He should have known it was too good to be true as he stepped down the first stair and immediately slipped. His hand barely caught the handrail but not before his hip slammed into the stair. A few of the guys had followed him, and although they didn’t slip, they still came off with something sticky on the bottom of their shoes, picking up all the dirt and twigs on the ground.
Pulling himself up awkwardly and cringing at the pain in his hip, Joshua turned to inspect the stairs.
“Syrup,” he concluded, unamused, and the rest of the boys at the top of the stairs groaned. There was no choice, though, but to come down the stairs on tiptoe and try not to get it all over their shoes.
Once they were all assembled at the bottom of the stairs, Joshua sighed, running a frustrated hand through his hair. Dirt and pine needles stuck to the bottom of everyone’s shoes and they couldn’t exactly go traipsing around like that, not inside.
“We have to go wash this stuff off,” he said.
“But what about breakfast?” Michael asked and Joshua shrugged.
“If we don’t wash it off now, it’ll just be worse later.”
The rest of the campers groaned and Joshua nodded.
“I know, I know, but let’s just do it now and get it over with.” Herding the boys towards the bathrooms, he winced, rubbing at his hip lightly before following after them.
*
They were late to breakfast, just barely making the end, and the pain in Joshua’s hip had seemed to have increased as he pushed open the door and tried not to put too much pressure on that side. The result was a half a limp as he crossed the cafeteria and ignored the stares to sink onto the bench with his campers.
All fun and games until someone gets hurt, he thought to himself dully as he reached for the orange juice. They didn’t have much time before they had to go to sports, but Joshua was pretty sure he was going to stop in at the nurse’s station and get a painkiller instead.
They just managed to wolf down a few bites before everyone around them was standing up and heading off to their activities. It was barely ten o’clock and already it felt as though he’d been awake for hours. It didn’t help that when he stood, he grimaced at the pain in his hip. There was probably a big purple bruise there now.
He got the boys to the field without complaint, and Nicole gave him an odd look as he told her he wasn’t staying.
“I’ll be back in an hour,” he promised. “I just need to go see Dixie.” Dixie was actually Diane, the nurse. “And do a little cleaning.”
“Okay,” she agreed when he mentioned Dixie. “Feel better.”
Joshua didn’t respond to that, already turning and heading down the hill. It hurt to put pressure on his left side as he headed towards the nurse’s cabin. It was empty considering the early hour, and Joshua limped inside with a light knock on the door.
Dixie, an older woman with bright red hair and too many clips in the wild curls, grinned at him when she saw him. She was sitting at a desk but spun the chair around as he appeared in the doorway.
“Hey, there, Tramp, haven’t seen you here this year.”
Joshua didn’t smile but he limped inside. “I thought that was supposed to be a good thing.”
“It is,” Dixie allowed, watching him carefully. “What did you do to yourself?” Standing up, she tried to lead him to the bed. He shook his head, though.
“I just fell,” he explained, pulling up his shirt and glancing down at the big, purpling bruise that disappeared under the waist of his jeans. “Do you have any painkillers?”
“You should be more careful,” Dixie lectured him as she turned to her cabinet and rummaged in her pocket for the keys.
“Yeah,” he replied simply. He didn’t feel like explaining anything beyond this. Dixie had been at camp since before Joshua had started coming and it felt that every year, for one reason or another, he always ended up here.
“So give me the skinny,” she said as she pulled out a bottle and shook two little white pills into her hand. “Have you seen much of Carter - oh, I mean, Oberon - this year?”
“Some, yeah,” Joshua muttered, taking the pills she handed to him and waiting as she filled a small paper cup with water.
“Is he still handsome?” she asked wistfully, and Joshua rolled his eyes slightly, trying not to smile at her. She was at least fifteen years older than him. He didn’t want to think about Carter anyway, though.
“He’s fine,” he replied shortly, tossing back the pills and downing the little cup of water, crumpling the paper in his fist when he finished.
Dixie hummed lightly as she watching him take a step towards the door. “You’re okay?” she asked gently and Joshua paused, tossing her a smile.
“Of course. I’ll come back if I’m not.”
He wasn’t sure that was what she’d meant, but he didn’t give her a chance to keep him back as he left and headed towards the cafeteria for some cleaning supplies.
Loaded with buckets, scrub brushes, and cleaning solution, Joshua headed for the bathroom to get some water. He climbed the stairs with a wince of pain with each step, gripping the railing to help pull himself up without so much pressure on his hip.
As he stood at the sink filling the bucket, he stared at his reflection in the foggy mirror. His eyes look tired staring back at him under his hair that was longer than when he’d arrived, falling in pieces against his forehead. The bucket was starting to overflow before he realized and switched off the faucet.
He sighed into the silence for a minute, rubbing at his forehead and closing his eyes, head bowed down to the sink.
“Are you okay?”
A voice startled him and he jumped before whipping around to find Carter behind him. Immediately, anger and resentment surfaced in him, mixed with the aching sadness he always seemed to have whenever he was in the same room as Carter.
“Fine,” he said sharply, hauling the bucket out of the sink and limping towards the door.
He knew Carter was watching him, and the thought didn’t comfort him at all. Fumbling with the door, he managed to kick it open before Carter was there, holding it open. Joshua didn’t thank him.
“Tramp,” he said quietly. “You’re limping.”
“I hadn’t noticed,” Joshua shot back. Anger was easier than what he was really feeling. He couldn’t be around Carter without feeling like a complete loser, without his throat closing up dangerously, lower lip trembling like a teenager rejected for the school dance. “Nice job on the syrup, by the way, original.”
Carter’s face seemed to fall slightly as he realized and he opened his mouth but Joshua cut him off.
“I have to go clean now so no one else does a faceplant in the dirt.”
“Tramp,” Carter said again, but Joshua was already halfway down the stairs, ignoring the sharp jab of pain as he walked faster.
He couldn’t talk to Carter. What could he possibly have to say at this point anyway? He’d said he didn’t want anything more. They were over. Joshua wasn’t going to ease his guilty conscience.
The rest of the sports hour was spent scrubbing sticky syrup off the stairs to the cabin and picking off bits of saran wrap from around the door. By the time he was done, his arm was sore to go along with his hip, and he climbed gingerly to his feet. Lifting his shirt again, he inspected the bruise, feeling around the edges, and wincing.
There were only two weeks left of camp and he hadn’t even made it through without a painful injury. And Carter had just had to come along to add insult to injury. As he tossed the brush back into the bucket and the soap spuds splashed back at him, he sighed. This was turning out to be the worst summer ever.
*
“Why are you limping?” Britney asked bluntly as they left their campers with Alex at arts and crafts and headed to the cafeteria.
“Fell down the stairs,” Joshua replied dully, rubbing at his hip, but the bruise was just as painful as before. He could just see Britney dying to say she told him so, but she kept her mouth shut for the time being as they wandered along the path.
Instead, she just gave him a knowing look, mouth pressed tight together and he sighed.
“Why do you always give me dirty looks?” he asked finally as they rounded a corner, passing by the lake. “How come you never give anyone else dirty looks? Am I just special? Why don’t you scowl at Oberon?”
Britney paused a second, twining a piece of her long hair around her finger. “I’ve known you longer.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Joshua demanded.
She shrugged. “You’ve gotten on my nerves longer.”
“Oh, thanks,” he deadpanned, rolling his eyes.
A bird swooped past overhead, black wings flashing in the sunlight as it vanished into one of the many trees that bordered the path.
“And you may be really stupid sometimes,” she continued despite Joshua’s frown, “but you might be my favorite person here.”
“Oh, god,” Joshua groaned and she shot him an unamused glare, shoving his shoulder.
“Shut up, or I’ll just decide I hate you.”
“I could live with that.”
Britney sneered as Joshua laughed at her.
“But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re stupid,” she went on. “You and Oberon.”
“Let’s not talk about him.” Joshua sighed, the smile falling from his face.
“Fine,” she said loftily as the cafeteria loomed into sight out of the trees. “But ignoring it won’t make your problem go away.”
“I don’t have a problem,” he muttered. “It’s over.”
Britney didn’t reply, but Joshua caught her rolling her eyes before they reached the cafeteria and went inside.
*
Joshua shifted gingerly on the bench, making a face at his meatloaf. He was definitely not a fan.
“I still like the snake idea,” Logan was saying, and Joshua frowned as he finally started listening in.
“It’s dumb, though,” Michael pointed out obviously, pointing at Logan with his fork. “Where are you going to get a snake?”
“Well, we have to do something. What’s your brilliant idea?” Logan sneered, rolling his eyes.
“Guys,” Joshua interrupted. “I don’t know if it’s a great idea to retaliate.”
“Why not?” Logan demanded. “You’re limping because of them.”
“I’m fine,” Joshua said seriously. “Not everything is life and death. We should cut our losses while we can.”
“You’re surrendering?” Logan asked incredulously, and Joshua sighed.
“It’s not a real war,” he explained obviously. “It doesn’t matter who wins or loses.”
“Yes, it does!”
Michael set down his fork and reached for his drink while Logan frowned at Joshua as though he was giving up completely. Dorian was looking between Logan and Joshua, clearly not sure which side he was supposed to be taking, or which one he wanted to at any rate.
“Let it go, Logan,” Sam piped up from down the table and Logan shot him an annoyed look.
“You all suck,” he declared, slumping back into his seat and glaring at Sam now. Sam didn’t seem bothered.
“Camp is almost over anyway,” Joshua reminded him as he set his own fork down. Clearly he was not going to eat the meatloaf on his plate. “No one will remember who won or lost after this.”
“You’re the one who started it,” Logan pointed out moodily. “Why start something if you’re not going to finish?”
A part of Joshua did feel guilty for copping out on the war since it had been his idea, but with the recent events, his heart just wasn’t in it anymore. He didn’t know how to explain that to Logan or if he would even understand if he did. The other part, though, was glad that it would be over. It was one less tie to Carter, one less thing to remind him of the gaping chasm inside him that used to be filled with Carter’s smile and his laugh.
He didn’t know what to tell Logan as dinner ended and they decided to skip the campfire that night. No one seemed much up to it, and Joshua would rather have spent his time trying to sleep off the bruise on his side.
As they walked back to the cabin in the dim twilight, Logan sent him a dirty look before speeding up to walk next to Michael and Dorian. Joshua could only shake his head and let him go. Besides, camp would be over soon and he could forget about all of this as a bad dream.
*
In between hikes and tie-dye lessons, games of flag football and badly attempted flirting with the girls by the lake during swim hour, the time finally seemed to pass a little quicker. Joshua still found himself sitting alone a lot of the time. He merely told himself that it was preparation for when he went back to school. He couldn’t say the thought was a happy one.
He could stand to be in the same room as Carter now, but only if he completely ignored him. It was almost like he didn’t exist. Except that he did exist. He was always there, and sometimes Joshua could just sense him. He could smell his shampoo and see the way he helped people carry things or climb up hills, strong hands on their arms as he pulled them along. He could remember the way it had felt when Carter would do that for him. He could remember everything, which just made it harder to let go.
A part of him didn’t want to let go. Some naïve little piece of his heart still thought that maybe, somehow, Carter did care. The other, more rational part of him, though, knew he was being an idiot for even thinking it.
Logan had finally dropped the push for retaliation, although Joshua still caught him throwing disapproving looks his way now and again.
It would all be over soon was Joshua’s only consolation, and even that wasn’t much of one. He spent most of his year looking forward to camp and this year it had turned out just as bad as the rest of his year. He didn’t know why the past year had been so difficult, but it had been, and he’d wanted to come back to camp and have nothing change. Camp was supposed to be unchanging.
He had changed, though. That must have been the problem. He had grown up and he’d changed too much for camp.
It didn’t matter, though. Soon he’d be back at school and Carter would be a faded memory, just like all the time spent on the lake or the tie-dye socks he still had stuffed in his drawer back home.
With that mindset, then, Joshua tried his best to forget about Carter and to fill the hole inside his heart with anything else. He threw himself into the last few weeks of camp, staying to help at arts and crafts and playing all the games in the morning sports’ hour.
He came back to the cabin tired at night and ready to fall into blissful, dreamless sleep. It really was the best medicine.
A week before camp ended, Joshua led his campers back to the cabin after a rather relaxing day in which they hadn’t done much aside from the usual scheduled activities. For the first time, and rather unusually, Logan and Dorian appeared to be getting along.
They were actually talking and laughing together when they entered the cabin, and Joshua raised a surprised eyebrow as he sunk down onto his bunk. He hadn’t thought he’d ever see the day when Dorian and Logan might actually become friends considering Dorian’s crush and Logan’s general behavior.
“What’s up with you two?” he asked curiously as he watched Logan whisper something to Dorian and they both laughed.
“Nothing,” Logan said innocently, and had it been anyone else, Joshua might have believed him.
He paused, glancing between them carefully. Dorian was just smiling, as though he knew some sort of secret. If Logan was involved, Joshua wasn’t sure it was necessarily a good one.
“Really? Nothing?” he asked, and Logan grinned.
He shrugged obviously, elbowing Dorian in the side. “Do you know what a snipe is?” he asked, and Joshua frowned slightly.
“Yeah,” he agreed slowly.
Logan’s grin widened and he glanced at Dorian. “We told two kids from Cedar cabin about snipes, said we were gonna catch one tonight. We said whoever caught one would win the war.”
He looked pretty pleased with himself. Joshua, on the other hand, felt his heart dropping as he stared at Logan.
“What?” he asked sharply, standing up quickly. “How could you do that?” he demanded, already looking around for his flashlight since it was fairly dark outside, already late and past when they should have been in bed.
“What?” Logan asked, shrugging obviously. “You weren’t gonna get Cedar cabin back.”
“No!” Joshua snapped, so loudly that several of the boys jumped. “You don’t understand how dangerous it is to be out there at night alone!”
“They’re not alone. There’s two of them…” Logan started to say but Joshua talked over him as he snatched his flashlight from the bottom of his bag.
“You are in so much trouble,” Joshua said seriously, shaking his head in disbelief. “When I get back, we are going straight to the director. For now, no one leaves this cabin.” He stared around at them all, deadly serious. His heart was pounding desperately in his chest as the panic overtook him. “I’m going get Oberon and we’re going to find those kids. If I’m not back by morning, go straight to the director and tell him what happened.” He turned to Logan and Dorian, who looked both scared and confused. “I’m so disappointed in you,” he just said before he grabbed a hoodie and left the cabin.
The paths were dark as he broke into a run, jumping the steps up to Cedar cabin before pounding loudly on the door.
It only took a few seconds before it was pulled open and one of the campers stood there, looking extremely confused and suspicious to find Joshua standing in their doorway, trying to catch his breath.
“Where’s Oberon?” he demanded and the kid opened his mouth, but Carter stepped out from behind the door.
“Tramp, what are you-” he started to say, taking in the way Joshua was breathing hard, hoodie pulled on only halfway.
“We have a problem,” Joshua interrupted him, for the first time in weeks ignoring the awkwardness between them. This was bigger than that.
Carter just shook his head, frowning slightly.
“Apparently some of my kids told some of yours that they were going on a snipe hunt,” Joshua said quickly, watching Carter’s eyes widen.
“Shit,” Carter cursed, forgetting he was surrounded by campers. “Where are they?”
“I don’t know,” Joshua said urgently. “In the woods somewhere!”
“What’s a snipe?” one of the boys piped up curiously, but Carter ran a nervous hand through his hair, shaking his head again.
“Nothing, it’s not real. It doesn’t exist,” he said quickly, staring at Joshua as if willing him to say it was all a joke. When he didn’t, he turned sharply to the boys, eyes sweeping over, and Joshua could practically see him doing a headcount. “Where’s Danny and Eric?”
The other boys glanced around now, clearly not even realizing someone had been missing.
“Shit!” Carter cursed again, louder this time. Turning immediately to his bed, he dug out his flashlight and grabbed his shoes. “Listen,” he told his cabin as he forced his shoes on, not bothering to untie the laces. “I’m gonna go find them. No one is to leave this cabin, do you hear me? Anyone steps one foot out that door and they’re dead. Got it?”
The boys all nodded quickly and Carter stood up, following Joshua out the door and shutting it firmly behind him.
“Oh my God,” Carter muttered as they headed for the edge of the forest, flashlight bobbing in front of them. “I can’t believe they were so stupid.”
“Which ones?” Joshua scoffed and Carter groaned.
“All of them! I mean, come on!. They’re fifteen not five!”
Carter kept running his hair through his hands, making it more messy than perfect. He didn’t look as though he cared at the moment, though, walking hurriedly next to Joshua as they plunged down the path that led into the woods and away from the camp.
“Dorian probably just went along because of his ridiculous crush on Logan,” Joshua muttered, rolling his eyes as he flashed his light into the trees, hoping that maybe the campers hadn’t gone too far and all this panic was for nothing.
“Danny!” Carter called into the woods. “Eric!”
There was no response except for the chirping of crickets and the sound the wind made as it blew through the leaves above them. The moonlight couldn’t push through the close-growing trees that edged up on the winding path. The woods appeared to be empty which wasn’t exactly a good sign.
Joshua’s heart, which had been pounding violently before, had calmed slightly, the panic settling into a different kind of worry as he and Carter walked down the path into the dark woods. He could hear the way Carter’s footsteps fell on the ground, heavier than his own, breaking twigs and crunching leaves. For the first time in weeks, he was truly alone with Carter.
“Danny!” Carter called again, searching the darkness with his flashlight, but it only fell on tree trunks and bushes. The answering silence was enough to make Carter sigh and shake his head. “I can’t believe this happened.”
Joshua didn’t say anything, now preoccupied with the realization that he was alone in the woods with Carter, the exact situation he hadn’t wanted to find himself in.
“Sorry,” was all Joshua could think to mutter, and Carter looked at him, eyebrows furrowed.
“What are you sorry for?” he asked. “It’s not your fault.”
“I should have kept a closer watch on Logan,” Joshua replied. He felt as though if he hadn’t been so distracted with all his own issues, maybe he could have kept a better control over him and they wouldn’t be in this situation.
“You can’t control him,” Carter said, still staring at Joshua, and Joshua looked away. He didn’t like the way Carter was watching him. It made him feel like he had three weeks ago when he’d walked away for the last time. “If anything, I should have kept a closer watch on my kids. I mean, I didn’t even notice they were gone. How bad of a counselor am I?”
Joshua didn’t reply, shying away from Carter’s gaze and searching the woods again. There was no sign of anyone, no bobbing flashlights, no sounds of crumpling leaves. He knew he was supposed to be freaking out about finding the lost kids, but he couldn’t help that his heart was pounding due to Carter’s eyes on him instead. Picking up his pace, he walked on ahead, flashing his light through the gaps in the trees hopelessly.
Carter sped up too. “Tramp?” he said but Joshua looked away from him.
“Eric!” he called instead, trying to ignore Carter beside him.
“Tramp,” he tried again, more firmly this time, but Joshua was trying not to listen to him. He hadn’t come out here to talk to Carter. He’d come out because it was both of their faults that two kids were wandering around somewhere in the woods. “Josh.”
“No,” Joshua replied sharply, staring hard into the woods although all he could see was darkness pressing in against his eyeballs.
“Will you just let me talk to you?” Carter asked, something desperate in his voice, but Joshua shook his head, swallowing down the lump that had risen in his throat.
“We’re not here to talk,” he snapped. “We’re here to find Danny and Eric before they get eaten by mountain lions.”
“Hey,” Carter said, tone sharper, and he grabbed Joshua’s arm before he could pull it away, forcing him to stop walking. “You keep doing this. You won’t even let me explain anything.”
“What’s there to explain?” Joshua asked, pulling his arm out of Carter’s grip with a dark look. “It’s over. We’re over.”
Turning, he started walking again purposefully although he had no idea where he was going. Carter didn’t let him get far, though.
“Don’t you want to know why I said no?” Carter asked, jogging to catch Joshua, who scoffed as he spun around, nearly running into Carter behind him.
“I know why you said no,” he replied sharply, looking away from Carter’s big, dark eyes. “You don’t like me. You were just fucking around while I thought something completely wrong. Gee, what a surprise.”
“No,” Carter said urgently as Joshua turned again, shining his flashlight around them, although he was sure neither of the campers were nearby. Surely they would have heard them arguing. “It’s not that I don’t like you.”
“No,” Joshua scoffed. “You just only want sex. It’s fine, I get it.”
“You don’t get it,” Carter replied, voice harder, almost angry. “You’re not listening to me, Josh. You won’t even let me talk to you.”
“Well, it hurts, okay?” Joshua exploded, eyes flying back to Carter’s, and Carter even looked taken aback at his outburst. “It hurts to talk to you and be around you when I know that I’m the only one who cares, I’m the only one who’s getting hurt. You’re free to move on with your life and leave me behind because I don’t matter to you. You can do whatever you want and I’m stuck feeling like someone ripped out my heart and threw it in the lake.”
“You do matter to me,” Carter said seriously, but Joshua scoffed, shaking his head. He could feel the lump growing bigger in his throat.
“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better,” he said. “In fact, it just makes me feel worse.”
Turning away, he lifted his flashlight again. They were completely and utterly alone in the woods, and the thought didn’t make him feel better as he remembered why they were out there in the first place. He took a step forward, but he was stopped again by Carter’s hand on his shoulder, pulling him back around.
“I’m not lying,” he said, voice low, and eyes on the ground for a second as he huffed out a sigh. “I was scared.”
“What?” Joshua tried to be skeptical but he just didn’t have the energy. This was more than he ever wanted to do with Carter. Couldn’t Carter just leave him alone to get over this in peace? Why did he have to keep bringing things up? Keep talking to him?
“Look, I’ve never actually been in a real relationship,” Carter admitted despite the way Joshua stared at him. He almost didn’t believe him. “That guy last year, I mean, it didn’t even last a month. I couldn’t do it.”
“You couldn’t do it,” Joshua repeated dimly. “Did you cheat on him or something?”
“No,” Carter said, sighing loudly. “I just didn’t know what to do with myself, you know? I had no idea. I felt like an idiot the whole time.”
“So?” Joshua asked frankly, staring at him. “What does that have to do with me?”
Carter scrubbed a hand through his hair, and Joshua frowned. He’d never really seen Carter nervous before, and to be honest, it sort of freaked him out.
“Josh,” he said, sighing softly. “I’ve liked you since I met you, and I never wanted to fuck it up, but that’s exactly what would happen.”
“It already happened,” Joshua pointed out obviously, staring at Carter. He wasn’t quite sure what to believe at this point.
“It’d be worse,” Carter assured him. “Besides, we don’t even live in the same state. Long-distance relationships never work. My parents tried and now they’re divorced and hate each other.”
Joshua paused, taking it in and frowning at Carter. Somewhere in the woods, an owl hooted ominously and the wind whistled through the trees. His flashlight was limp in his hand and for a moment, he’d completely forgotten about Danny and Eric.
“So you’re saying that you let us break up, or whatever, because you can’t do relationships?” Joshua asked slowly. “And every time you get close to one, you give up.”
“I don’t give up,” Carter argued but then stopped. “I mean, I… “ He frowned. “Fuck.”
Joshua shook his head, turning from Carter and starting down the path again. Maybe Carter was right, he thought with a pain. Maybe they were better off this way.
“Okay,” Carter said, catching up with Joshua as he continued down the path, looking for the campers. “I haven’t had great examples of relationships in my life. My parents are divorced and hate each other and I’ve never gone out with a guy more than a month… Except you.”
Joshua paused but didn’t look at him, keeping his eyes glued to the darkness before him. His flashlight shone over the tree roots that surged from the ground in an attempt to trip him.
“If you think about it, you’re the longest relationship I’ve ever had,” Carter said, watching Joshua, who frowned slightly.
“I thought it wasn’t a relationship.”
“Who are we kidding?” Carter admitted, halting on the path and reaching for Joshua’s arm to stop him too. Joshua stopped reluctantly, turning around and watching Carter. He didn’t know what was going to happen and he wasn’t even sure what he wanted to happen. “And that sort of made me think. If you’re the only person I’ve ever managed this with, it must mean something.”
Joshua didn’t know what to say, especially when Carter pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and Joshua recognized the note from three years ago, the one he’d dumped in the trees weeks ago.
“Where did you get that?” he asked, eyes widening, and Carter shrugged.
“Britney gave it to me a few days ago.” He didn’t uncrumple it but held it in his hand. “I wouldn’t have written something like this three years ago… but I would have written it now.” He glanced at Joshua slowly. “You just already knew. I didn’t until it was too late.”
The air was too warm despite it being dark and Joshua sucked in a slow breath as he watched Carter carefully. This couldn’t mean what he thought.
“Carter.” His voice was shaky as Carter took a step forward, stuffing the paper back in his pocket, and his heart was beating faster, nervous and confused.
Carter was staring at him, eyes dark in the dim starlight that fell through the trees. He looked completely serious for once.
“The past three weeks have sucked without you. And I never noticed it before, during the school year, but I always feel better when I’m with you. I always look forward to seeing you too. I just never realized how much until I couldn’t anymore.” Carter’s hand lifted to the back of his neck, rubbing lightly as he glanced at Joshua carefully. “I know we don’t live close together, and I know I suck at this, but I don’t know if I can leave here without…” He trailed away with a significant look at Joshua.
“Without?”
Carter sighed, dropping his hand, looking slightly awkward. “… You.”
Blinking slowly, Joshua just stared, heart fluttering in his chest, a mixture of hope and fear clutching at him. The owl hooted again, louder, as if it was right on top of him. Carter didn’t say any more, waiting for Joshua to say something, to react at all.
“Carter,” Joshua said finally, watching Carter’s eyes flick immediately to his. “I-”
“Hello?”
A voice cut straight through them and they could hear two people crashing through bushes nearby. He turned jerkily away from Carter, flashlight falling on two teenager boys, one of which held up his arms to shield his eyes from the bright light.
“Eric!” Carter sighed loudly, relieved. “Thank God.”
Eric emerged out of the woods with another boy behind him. He shot Joshua a suspicious look. “What’s he doing here?” he asked, frowning at Joshua. “Did they find the snipe first?”
Carter rolled his eyes in frustration. “You idiot, there’s no such thing as a snipe,” he said, grabbing Eric by the shoulder and starting to steer him back towards camp. Joshua gave the other one a little push to walk ahead of him. “How could you go out in the woods at night alone?”
“Well, they said-”
“They were lying! Trying to get you out in the woods alone.” Carter huffed as he marched the boy back along the path. Joshua was silent, his mind still on what he’d been about to say a minute ago before they’d been interrupted. “This war is officially over.”
Joshua had to agree and he was glad for it. He didn’t think he could take anymore.
When they got back to camp, Joshua accompanied them back to Cedar cabin and Carter sent them in first with a stern threat of punishment. Turning back to Joshua, he paused, and Joshua bit his bottom lip slowly.
“I have to get back,” Joshua said finally as the silence stretched, and Carter nodded slowly. “Tomorrow… I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Carter’s mouth pursed slightly but he didn’t stop Joshua from turning and heading to his own cabin. Joshua glanced back only once to see the strip of light from the cabin vanish as the door shut behind Carter, and he left for his own cabin and to administer some punishment of his own.
*
“This sucks,” Logan complained for the hundredth time. Joshua just crossed his arms firmly, leaning against the doorway to the boathouse as he supervised Logan and Dorian. They’d been sentenced to cleaning out the boathouse from top to bottom, including scrubbing the outside and clearing out all the spiders, plus they were no longer allowed to participate in swimming or canoeing. Instead, they had to sit in the nurses’ cabin and listen to Dixie’s stories about years gone past.
Dorian didn’t complain, just frowned unhappily as he moved boxes from inside the house to outside.
“You brought it upon yourself,” Joshua said, watching Dorian jump as he came across a large, black spider.
Logan stood up, scowling. “They were dumb enough to listen to us.”
“And you were dumb enough to tell them.” Joshua sighed, shaking his head. “You deserve every bit of punishment the director gave you.”
Logan just scowled and grabbed another box. Dorian squashed the spider under his shoe and grabbed a box too, pausing as he passed Joshua.
“Tramp,” he said slowly, not meeting his eyes, and Joshua waited. “I didn’t mean to.”
Joshua just sighed. “Well, you did. Can’t change that.”
Dorian lowered his head as he nodded and dragged his feet outside to dump the box.
*
“Is it just me, or did kids get really stupid the last few years?” Joshua looked around at the few counselors sitting around the table in the bright cafeteria.
“It’s not just you,” Brian agreed.
“And it’s not just kids,” Britney interjected with a significant glance. Joshua was glad that Carter wasn’t there when she said it. He hadn’t seen him since they’d taken the boys to the director together, and there hadn’t been any time to talk then.
It had been a few days since the woods, but they’d been too busy to actually talk, and Joshua wasn’t sure what he was going to say when he finally did have to talk to Carter. He had to do it soon, though. Camp was coming to an end and he’d already started reminding his campers to start packing.
Soon enough, it would all be over. He supposed it depended what happened next whether or not he’d be relieved.
“I’ll just be glad to get a little privacy,” Faith piped up from down the bench. “Ten girls in a cabin for two months is too long.”
“Does that mean you’re not coming back next year?” Britney asked curiously, pulling out a bottle of pink fingernail polish and unscrewing the top.
“I don’t know,” she said thoughtfully. “Haven’t decided. You?”
Britney shrugged. “Might as well. But we’ll see.” She glanced at Joshua. “Tramp? You coming back?”
Joshua looked away from the window where he’d been staring out at the perfectly blue sky. “I don’t think so.” He shook his head. “I think I’m done.”
Britney’s eyebrow went up but she didn’t question any further. Instead, she dipped the top into the polish and started painting her nails.
There was still a good half an hour before he had to go collect his campers from arts and crafts, and Joshua was content to sit in silence. The past few days still weighed heavily on his mind and he knew he had to talk to Carter.
Just as the thought entered his mind, the door to the cafeteria opened and Carter stepped in, looking tired but awake as he left the door open behind him.
“Hey, Oberon,” Brian greeted him and Carter responded with a nod and half a smile, but his eyes were on Joshua as he traversed the room, maneuvering around the many tables to reach where Joshua was sitting.
“Tramp, I need to talk to you,” he said quietly, and Joshua’s heart skipped a beat as he hesitated a second before nodding and rising from his seat.
He knew Britney’s eyes were on him as he followed Carter out of the cafeteria and into the warm sun outside.
This was it, he knew, his heart beating louder in his ears. Carter was leading the way away from the cafeteria, towards the lake, but they didn’t get that far as Carter stopped. He stepped off the path a few feet, and Joshua followed him without a word.
When Carter turned to him finally, it was with a nervousness to his gaze. He hesitated. “I hope you know why I need to talk to you.”
“Yeah,” Joshua muttered, kicking the ground slightly.
“I meant what I said,” Carter said finally. “I may not be very good at relationships or really know anything about them, but I know about you, and… I like you.”
He finished awkwardly, scrubbing his hair to fill the seconds that passed as Joshua tried to think of what to say, of how to word it, but he knew however he said it, it didn’t matter. It was going to come out one way or another.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Joshua said at length. “You know I like you. You know what I want.”
“I know, but-” Carter stopped, stepping closer to Joshua. “But I fucked up. I want to know if you’ll forgive me and maybe ask me again.”
“Ask you again?” Joshua didn’t frown, but his nose did wrinkle slightly in confusion. Carter didn’t look as if he was joking, and Joshua felt like smiling for the first time in weeks. “Okay.” He took a breath and tried not to smile as Carter watched him nervously. “Oberon - Carter - do you want to go out with me?”
Carter smiled slowly and Joshua’s heart skipped another beat as he watched.
“Yeah,” Carter replied simply. “Yeah, I do.”
“Good.”
Carter grinned. “Good.”
Joshua rocked back on his feet for a second before Carter rolled his eyes and reached out, pulling him in closer.
“Come here,” he murmured, leaning into Joshua’s mouth, and the kiss was soft and slow. It was a sweet rush of emotions as Joshua tried not to grin too much, wrapping his arms around Carter’s neck and sliding in closer.
A balloon was welling up inside him as he kissed Carter, an unbreakable swelling of happiness. For the first time in weeks, things were falling into the right place. He didn’t even care if someone saw them. He just sunk his hand into Carter’s hair and hummed contentedly against his mouth.
“Now we’ve just got to figure out the distance thing,” Carter murmured when they broke apart and he pressed a soft kiss to Joshua’s chin. “In case you haven’t noticed, I kinda suck at facebook too.”
“About that,” Joshua said slowly, rubbing his fingers at the base of Carter’s neck slowly and enjoying the soft skim of Carter’s mouth against his skin. “There’s something I didn’t tell you.”
“Yeah?” Carter asked, pulling back slightly, and Joshua could hear the unease in his words. “You’re not, like, moving out of the country, are you?”
Joshua shook his head. “You remember I told you I hated my school?”
Carter nodded slowly, a hand tracing down Joshua’s neck slowly as if he didn’t want to let go now that they’d finally figured something out.
“Last spring, I applied for a transfer.”
Carter frowned. “God, don’t tell me it’s even further away.”
“No,” Joshua replied slowly. “Actually, I’m going to San Diego State University.”
Carter stared for a moment. “San Diego State,” he repeated slowly. “As in two hours from Pomona?”
Joshua shrugged. “I haven’t clocked it yet.” He smiled as Carter let out a huff of air before grinning.
“Why didn’t you tell me, like, eight weeks ago?”
“Because,” Joshua said slowly, sliding his hand out of Carter’s hair to rest against his chest. “I didn’t want you to think it was because of you.”
“It wasn’t?”
“Well, maybe a little,” Joshua admitted, and Carter grinned at him. “But mostly not. I swear.”
“Had to get out of the snow, didn’t you?” Carter asked, brushing Joshua’s hair aside as Joshua shrugged.
“I heard California’s nice,” he said, “and there are perks to moving across the country.”
“Nude beaches?” Carter asked, grinning at the way Joshua rolled his eyes.
“Shut up.”
“Okay,” Carter agreed, pulling him in for a kiss that left Joshua breathless when they were rudely interrupted a few minutes later by Britney crashing off the path and to where they stood, not even remotely hidden.
“You guys are the most obvious people ever,” she declared, rolling her eyes in frustration. “For God’s sake, at least go do it in the shower.”
“That is an excellent idea, Buttercup,” Carter said brightly. “You’ll watch after our campers, won’t you?”
He grabbed Joshua’s hand and pulled him back towards the path as Britney’s mouth fell open indignantly. Joshua shot her a smile and a helpless shrug as Carter tugged him along. At least this time, he’d know for sure why the next time Britney shot him a dirty glare. But to be honest, he didn’t care at all.
*
FIN.
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