Can't sleep
I've been waking up every couple of hours since I went to bed last night... 5AM came around and I finally gave up. This is the first night in awhile I haven't slept well, which that is saying something. There's been a lot on my mind lately which is quite common for me to have; thinking about things too much without doing anything else has seemed to become my hobby as of late.
I'm worried about myself. Long ago back in 2nd grade I made some sort of nerve connection somewhere in my brain that disallowed me to function like the fun, smart, healthy, caring, and creative human being that everyone says that I am. My schooling started to slip then. What was once a fun and easy time was now dreaded and I have fought school tooth and nail ever since. My position is that school shouldn't take over your life; that you should be able to enjoy your life and enjoy your education at the same time (read: Don't do homework).
I'm a hedonist and I can't help but to think like that. I love to live and enjoy life for what it is. I hate how everyone's obligations force them to ignore such things in order to get the job done. Now I know the secret is to balance your life and your work but I've never been able to do that. Trust me... I've had years of therapy to try to right that and nothing has worked yet.
This is my one big problem... if I could overcome this I know I could be as great a person as everyone says that I am. I know I could become like my Great Grandfather, Joe - who despite how he felt he gave endlessly to his family when he was 15 years old and was the only able member in the family that could work on the railroads during the great depression. My grandmother says she sees a lot of her father in me and other people have confirmed that too because of how I always put others before myself. I just feel more comfortable being there for others rather than being there for myself. Its not even a conscious decision... it just happens.
Lately I've started to realize I have to stop putting others before me and take care of myself. But after doing it for so long it’s quite difficult to pull away from. I would love to go back to school but I'm too afraid of failure since I've dealt with it so many times before. Nothing in this world makes me feel more awful than failing at something I know that I could do under different circumstances. It’s just ridiculous.
Jenn said some things that made me think tonight. I'm starting to come to terms with that I have to be everything and do everything that I have been afraid to do if I want her in my life. I have some resolve coming, I can feel it. I just hope I'll finally overcome this mountain in the weeks to come because once I fix this issue I know I'll live a happy and healthy life. Once I overcome this I know Jenn will feel more secure with the idea of living with me. That has been her only fear. I plan to dispel it.
I love you Jenn.
I'm worried about myself. Long ago back in 2nd grade I made some sort of nerve connection somewhere in my brain that disallowed me to function like the fun, smart, healthy, caring, and creative human being that everyone says that I am. My schooling started to slip then. What was once a fun and easy time was now dreaded and I have fought school tooth and nail ever since. My position is that school shouldn't take over your life; that you should be able to enjoy your life and enjoy your education at the same time (read: Don't do homework).
I'm a hedonist and I can't help but to think like that. I love to live and enjoy life for what it is. I hate how everyone's obligations force them to ignore such things in order to get the job done. Now I know the secret is to balance your life and your work but I've never been able to do that. Trust me... I've had years of therapy to try to right that and nothing has worked yet.
This is my one big problem... if I could overcome this I know I could be as great a person as everyone says that I am. I know I could become like my Great Grandfather, Joe - who despite how he felt he gave endlessly to his family when he was 15 years old and was the only able member in the family that could work on the railroads during the great depression. My grandmother says she sees a lot of her father in me and other people have confirmed that too because of how I always put others before myself. I just feel more comfortable being there for others rather than being there for myself. Its not even a conscious decision... it just happens.
Lately I've started to realize I have to stop putting others before me and take care of myself. But after doing it for so long it’s quite difficult to pull away from. I would love to go back to school but I'm too afraid of failure since I've dealt with it so many times before. Nothing in this world makes me feel more awful than failing at something I know that I could do under different circumstances. It’s just ridiculous.
Jenn said some things that made me think tonight. I'm starting to come to terms with that I have to be everything and do everything that I have been afraid to do if I want her in my life. I have some resolve coming, I can feel it. I just hope I'll finally overcome this mountain in the weeks to come because once I fix this issue I know I'll live a happy and healthy life. Once I overcome this I know Jenn will feel more secure with the idea of living with me. That has been her only fear. I plan to dispel it.
I love you Jenn.