I Am A Stranger To Myself
I have been having many strange days lately. For me this is not a good thing because it is a sure sign of impending deep depression. I know for a fact that Once I get over this horrible mania that I am on that I am going to surely going to crash and burn. I just hope that I can express this before It consumes me like a fire out of control. It won't be till a week or two before I am able to see my psychiatrist to tell her about these things that are going on with me. This "Self Imposed Hell" that I have been putting myself through for many a day now.
I am on a horrible manic right now. I have a want to get all of the cleaning and straightening done within the house plus work on 3 other projects that needed to be done and then I have to go to the store and do some creating purchasing. I KNOW myself and I am quite aware of the features of my diagnosis especially with the new noticing of the voices and other facets of the delusional behavior.
Why you may ask? Well, that is one of the other problems that I am having. Both in my peripheral vision and in some cases directly in front of me, well, within a considerable distance, I see shadows of people who are of course not there. My home should be my sanctuary but it is more of a crypt; a place. That I can come back to where I feel safe at any given time of the day, or in my case during the day.
It is obvious that I can say "I do not wish to go into anymore of that right now". Is it a question of coming understanding or not giving myself a time to come to terms with it. Being Agoraphobic by ITSELF is bad enough but that does not mean that I have to be a prisoner of my own surroundings unfortunately I am. I sleep during the day and work by night. It keeps the Shadows away if I am in darkened surroundings. I do not believe myself delusional but obviously, I am. I guess I am not as intelligent as I thought I was.
I have to try to scare up some work for “my hobby” and myself but I am a victim of my own design. While trying to get myself on disability I cannot have a job so I am not allowed to have a job, well, I can have something part time but I am not allowed to make more than $600.00 per month. Not a problem, hell my insurance pays for the rest at this time so I can keep things going for the time being. The well is sure to dry up so I need to make something happen one way or another.
SIKOLTO
I am on a horrible manic right now. I have a want to get all of the cleaning and straightening done within the house plus work on 3 other projects that needed to be done and then I have to go to the store and do some creating purchasing. I KNOW myself and I am quite aware of the features of my diagnosis especially with the new noticing of the voices and other facets of the delusional behavior.
Why you may ask? Well, that is one of the other problems that I am having. Both in my peripheral vision and in some cases directly in front of me, well, within a considerable distance, I see shadows of people who are of course not there. My home should be my sanctuary but it is more of a crypt; a place. That I can come back to where I feel safe at any given time of the day, or in my case during the day.
It is obvious that I can say "I do not wish to go into anymore of that right now". Is it a question of coming understanding or not giving myself a time to come to terms with it. Being Agoraphobic by ITSELF is bad enough but that does not mean that I have to be a prisoner of my own surroundings unfortunately I am. I sleep during the day and work by night. It keeps the Shadows away if I am in darkened surroundings. I do not believe myself delusional but obviously, I am. I guess I am not as intelligent as I thought I was.
I have to try to scare up some work for “my hobby” and myself but I am a victim of my own design. While trying to get myself on disability I cannot have a job so I am not allowed to have a job, well, I can have something part time but I am not allowed to make more than $600.00 per month. Not a problem, hell my insurance pays for the rest at this time so I can keep things going for the time being. The well is sure to dry up so I need to make something happen one way or another.
SIKOLTO