Going through a thing...
Hope that soon I will be able to say that I've worked through that thing. We'll see.
I have to do something about my mother. She's getting out of hand. It's always amazing...her capacity to be so self-centered. But when I look at the situation, are we both being self-centered? She is upset because I don't call her or visit her, yet she doesn't notice that since she and my stepdad have been going through their issues, she stopped calling me. When she did call me, she was not honest with me about her situation. She told me one thing and my sister another thing. I am not the kind of person who can knowingly carry on a deceptive or fake relationship, especially with a member of my family, someone who is supposed to be so close to me. And because of my past experiences with this woman, I hesitate to confront her about the situation. I'm not in the mood to get screamed at and be made out to be that bad guy while she solidifies her position as the perpetual victim.
I don't think she knows how lonely my 20s were. She wouldn't know, because her marriage/financial situation wasn't so rocky back then and she went on vacations and was able to go shopping all the time. She probably doesn't remember all the times I called her on weekends asking what she was doing, wanting desperately to spend time with her or get away from my living situation for awhile. So many times she'd say "oh, mom and dad came over (and maybe a few other people, maybe not) and we're having a cookout today," never inviting me. But she dares to complain to my sister that she knows that my husband and I have invited his parents up for a cookout before, and does it ever occur to me that it would be nice to invite her and my stepdad too? First off, my in-laws have only been to my house for a cookout ONCE and that was because my sister-in-law and brother-in-law were up from Florida and they all came up by our house to go to the zoo. This week while they were visiting we tried to do something with them and they were too busy with other things to hang out with us on the days we were available. So for my mom to think that we always spend time with other people is off base. She reminds me of a little kid that thinks that everyone has parties after they are sent to bed or something. My dad has only been up here for dinner once or twice.
My mom and I have never had what anyone could consider a close relationship. It seems as though my mom always thought she'd magically begin to be able to relate to me once I was married, or once I had babies or something. I understand that finding a common thread can help people relate, but I don't understand how being her daughter isn't enough of a common thread. You'd think she'd want to know about my life and what my goals, dreams, loves, hates are, but honestly, when I worked for a labor union in Lakewood, she thought I worked at an insurance company downtown. To be fair, when I started at the labor union, I did work in their insurance department, for less than 2 years of the 8 years that I was there. I guess the fact that all those times I talked about work, did she listen?
So it's a big stupid vicious circle with that woman. I try to be the bigger person and hope that things will change. They don't, so I give up.
Last night I was looking through my little kid box. It has my baby book, my parents' wedding album, a bunch of grade cards, some school projects, greeting cards, etc. Before I found it, I found a folder with printed out emails from Dave, Josh, and Frank. I read just about every one of those emails over the course of an hour or so and it shed some light on a part of me I don't think I've noticed, and also some places in those relationships that I didn't notice.
Frank and I met in 1993 I think. He was in the radio/tv dept. of the college that was in the same town as the radio station I worked at. I met him through a coworker of mine. Things were weird at first. I thought I liked him, liked him, but nothing ever happened. When it came down to it, I felt like he was a brother to me. He was always protective. That's just his nature. He's a very unlikely father figure, but he is still one. His emails were from when he first moved out to California, talking about people he worked with, and inside gossip stuff you find out about those people. I was almost envious of some of the stories, how his coworkers were like family since most people working in the business are transplants and have family in other places in the country. At the same time, although he was thousands of miles away, he was still protective over me. To this day he still can be.
Josh and I have never met in person. In 1996 when my oppressive roommate at the time got internet access, I found Josh through AOL classified things or something, just looking for someone with common interests to write to like a penpal or something. I'd already grown tired of the chatrooms (that wore off quickly! LOL!). Josh's interests intrigued me, as they mirrored a lot of my own at the time. All I remember now is kayaks, guns, and punk rawk. There may have been mountain bikes too. We emailed back and forth for awhile, just shallow stuff. I don't remember how long into it it was, but he sent me an email about how he was about to get married and he was nervous but excited because he loved this girl to death. That's when I felt we had the foundation for a "real" friendship" because I knew there were no weird motives. Until that moment, I was on guard with him. We continued to keep in touch over the next few years. I even wrote to his wife a few times. He was always "big brother" about the guys I was dating and always gave advice. It all fell apart after the birth of their first child. I also suspect the wife had uneasy feelings. I'd hoped to meet them in person, because I know if I lived in the same city, I'd get along with them both just fine. Emailing the wife was weird because I felt like she was juts trying to put me in my place, but I guess that's not fair of me to think that, because she was really cool. Just sucks that we live four states away and couldn't know each other "for real". Reading those emails last night made me miss having a friend like that.
Dave was just the weirdest thing and I've still yet to wrap my head around that whole thing. After reading those emails last night I have no idea who that girl was that was writing the stuff I wrote to him. Cheesy! If someone was to ask me about meeting Dave, the first thing I would say is that it was magical. My then boyfriend and I were outside the venue where he was playing, just hanging out, and he just walked up to us and started talking. We talked after the show, exchanged info, and started a postcard, letter-writing, intermittent phone relationship. When they came through town, he'd leave us tickets at the window. By the second and third shows, Michael and I were broken up. I'd always get the "all access" pass and Michael got the "show only" pass. At the time I thought he did that because I was so depressed over the breakup with Michael and he wanted Michael to be envious of me or something. Years later, when he looked me up and called me, he confessed a huge crush on me, which I thought was ridiculous. But, years later, at the time of that reunion, Michael and I had gotten back together, and right at that time, Michael had just taken advantage of my generous nature for the last time. I honestly feel that the pain would have been far greater if Dave had not come back into my life, even though it was very brief. Dave made me realize that Michael was not the only source of happiness for me. He made me feel special and magical and beautiful, which was something Michael never did. We had many late-night phone conversations, as he'd be in the studio on the west coast, and I'd be sleeping over here. Sometimes I questioned whether they ever happened at all because I could barely remember them in the morning. But these emails. OMG, embarrassing! I was so cheesy and gushy and if my husband saw them he would be all like "where is that girl now?!" It also rubbed me the wrong way how he was living with his girlfriend, yet emailing me about how he wanted to get nekkid with me. Just not cool, looking back. I was too flattered to care, then. I realize that loving oneself has more to do with ONESELF and not what others say or do for you. I know that if Dave had not come back into my life when he did, I would have worked through the disappointment and loneliness I'd probably feel. I've had plenty of times like that and I honestly belief that when you're going through something like that it's almost best to not rely to heavily on others to make you feel better, but that's a whole other entry, one that I don't have time for today.
But you know what else? I'd really like to think that if Dave and I crossed paths today, we could be friends, because even when all of the innuendo and hormones were raging during those horribly embarrassing emails, what it came down to is when he asked me what I thought our reunion meant, I honestly felt that deep down he was my guardian angel and that quite possibly all it meant was that I was to realize that Michael was nothing in the scheme of things and I was a beautiful and good person and deserved so much more; not necessarily him, but more, and that had he not called when he did, the sting of Michael going back to Hollie (AGAIN) would have nearly killed me at that time. Although I won't deny a crush on Dave, even before those late-night phone calls and all the flirtation, I had always seen Dave as the older brother, guardian angel guy and I think that for anything more to have happened would have fucked with our universe that we created together. I still feel like our paths will cross again, all we have are those embarrassing emails in the past, and those are just a blip in the scheme of things.
So it's weird. There are these three people who have been in my life in varying degrees and I never saw it until last night that they were all protective of me in varying degrees, there were varying degrees of intimacy, commitment, and sharing. I felt/feel like they are all family one way or the other. Frank is the only one I still see or hear from. I miss them all. And here's where I begin to paint in broader strokes. It goes beyond these three guys. So many friends have fallen by the wayside.
Reading those emails awakened something inside me last night. I realize that for so long I tried and tried to keep friendships going and got so tired of being the one getting let down. When people stopped giving back or even trying to keep up, I stopped trying too. It has certainly narrowed my circle of friends, but I've always valued quality over quantity.
I have to do something about my mother. She's getting out of hand. It's always amazing...her capacity to be so self-centered. But when I look at the situation, are we both being self-centered? She is upset because I don't call her or visit her, yet she doesn't notice that since she and my stepdad have been going through their issues, she stopped calling me. When she did call me, she was not honest with me about her situation. She told me one thing and my sister another thing. I am not the kind of person who can knowingly carry on a deceptive or fake relationship, especially with a member of my family, someone who is supposed to be so close to me. And because of my past experiences with this woman, I hesitate to confront her about the situation. I'm not in the mood to get screamed at and be made out to be that bad guy while she solidifies her position as the perpetual victim.
I don't think she knows how lonely my 20s were. She wouldn't know, because her marriage/financial situation wasn't so rocky back then and she went on vacations and was able to go shopping all the time. She probably doesn't remember all the times I called her on weekends asking what she was doing, wanting desperately to spend time with her or get away from my living situation for awhile. So many times she'd say "oh, mom and dad came over (and maybe a few other people, maybe not) and we're having a cookout today," never inviting me. But she dares to complain to my sister that she knows that my husband and I have invited his parents up for a cookout before, and does it ever occur to me that it would be nice to invite her and my stepdad too? First off, my in-laws have only been to my house for a cookout ONCE and that was because my sister-in-law and brother-in-law were up from Florida and they all came up by our house to go to the zoo. This week while they were visiting we tried to do something with them and they were too busy with other things to hang out with us on the days we were available. So for my mom to think that we always spend time with other people is off base. She reminds me of a little kid that thinks that everyone has parties after they are sent to bed or something. My dad has only been up here for dinner once or twice.
My mom and I have never had what anyone could consider a close relationship. It seems as though my mom always thought she'd magically begin to be able to relate to me once I was married, or once I had babies or something. I understand that finding a common thread can help people relate, but I don't understand how being her daughter isn't enough of a common thread. You'd think she'd want to know about my life and what my goals, dreams, loves, hates are, but honestly, when I worked for a labor union in Lakewood, she thought I worked at an insurance company downtown. To be fair, when I started at the labor union, I did work in their insurance department, for less than 2 years of the 8 years that I was there. I guess the fact that all those times I talked about work, did she listen?
So it's a big stupid vicious circle with that woman. I try to be the bigger person and hope that things will change. They don't, so I give up.
Last night I was looking through my little kid box. It has my baby book, my parents' wedding album, a bunch of grade cards, some school projects, greeting cards, etc. Before I found it, I found a folder with printed out emails from Dave, Josh, and Frank. I read just about every one of those emails over the course of an hour or so and it shed some light on a part of me I don't think I've noticed, and also some places in those relationships that I didn't notice.
Frank and I met in 1993 I think. He was in the radio/tv dept. of the college that was in the same town as the radio station I worked at. I met him through a coworker of mine. Things were weird at first. I thought I liked him, liked him, but nothing ever happened. When it came down to it, I felt like he was a brother to me. He was always protective. That's just his nature. He's a very unlikely father figure, but he is still one. His emails were from when he first moved out to California, talking about people he worked with, and inside gossip stuff you find out about those people. I was almost envious of some of the stories, how his coworkers were like family since most people working in the business are transplants and have family in other places in the country. At the same time, although he was thousands of miles away, he was still protective over me. To this day he still can be.
Josh and I have never met in person. In 1996 when my oppressive roommate at the time got internet access, I found Josh through AOL classified things or something, just looking for someone with common interests to write to like a penpal or something. I'd already grown tired of the chatrooms (that wore off quickly! LOL!). Josh's interests intrigued me, as they mirrored a lot of my own at the time. All I remember now is kayaks, guns, and punk rawk. There may have been mountain bikes too. We emailed back and forth for awhile, just shallow stuff. I don't remember how long into it it was, but he sent me an email about how he was about to get married and he was nervous but excited because he loved this girl to death. That's when I felt we had the foundation for a "real" friendship" because I knew there were no weird motives. Until that moment, I was on guard with him. We continued to keep in touch over the next few years. I even wrote to his wife a few times. He was always "big brother" about the guys I was dating and always gave advice. It all fell apart after the birth of their first child. I also suspect the wife had uneasy feelings. I'd hoped to meet them in person, because I know if I lived in the same city, I'd get along with them both just fine. Emailing the wife was weird because I felt like she was juts trying to put me in my place, but I guess that's not fair of me to think that, because she was really cool. Just sucks that we live four states away and couldn't know each other "for real". Reading those emails last night made me miss having a friend like that.
Dave was just the weirdest thing and I've still yet to wrap my head around that whole thing. After reading those emails last night I have no idea who that girl was that was writing the stuff I wrote to him. Cheesy! If someone was to ask me about meeting Dave, the first thing I would say is that it was magical. My then boyfriend and I were outside the venue where he was playing, just hanging out, and he just walked up to us and started talking. We talked after the show, exchanged info, and started a postcard, letter-writing, intermittent phone relationship. When they came through town, he'd leave us tickets at the window. By the second and third shows, Michael and I were broken up. I'd always get the "all access" pass and Michael got the "show only" pass. At the time I thought he did that because I was so depressed over the breakup with Michael and he wanted Michael to be envious of me or something. Years later, when he looked me up and called me, he confessed a huge crush on me, which I thought was ridiculous. But, years later, at the time of that reunion, Michael and I had gotten back together, and right at that time, Michael had just taken advantage of my generous nature for the last time. I honestly feel that the pain would have been far greater if Dave had not come back into my life, even though it was very brief. Dave made me realize that Michael was not the only source of happiness for me. He made me feel special and magical and beautiful, which was something Michael never did. We had many late-night phone conversations, as he'd be in the studio on the west coast, and I'd be sleeping over here. Sometimes I questioned whether they ever happened at all because I could barely remember them in the morning. But these emails. OMG, embarrassing! I was so cheesy and gushy and if my husband saw them he would be all like "where is that girl now?!" It also rubbed me the wrong way how he was living with his girlfriend, yet emailing me about how he wanted to get nekkid with me. Just not cool, looking back. I was too flattered to care, then. I realize that loving oneself has more to do with ONESELF and not what others say or do for you. I know that if Dave had not come back into my life when he did, I would have worked through the disappointment and loneliness I'd probably feel. I've had plenty of times like that and I honestly belief that when you're going through something like that it's almost best to not rely to heavily on others to make you feel better, but that's a whole other entry, one that I don't have time for today.
But you know what else? I'd really like to think that if Dave and I crossed paths today, we could be friends, because even when all of the innuendo and hormones were raging during those horribly embarrassing emails, what it came down to is when he asked me what I thought our reunion meant, I honestly felt that deep down he was my guardian angel and that quite possibly all it meant was that I was to realize that Michael was nothing in the scheme of things and I was a beautiful and good person and deserved so much more; not necessarily him, but more, and that had he not called when he did, the sting of Michael going back to Hollie (AGAIN) would have nearly killed me at that time. Although I won't deny a crush on Dave, even before those late-night phone calls and all the flirtation, I had always seen Dave as the older brother, guardian angel guy and I think that for anything more to have happened would have fucked with our universe that we created together. I still feel like our paths will cross again, all we have are those embarrassing emails in the past, and those are just a blip in the scheme of things.
So it's weird. There are these three people who have been in my life in varying degrees and I never saw it until last night that they were all protective of me in varying degrees, there were varying degrees of intimacy, commitment, and sharing. I felt/feel like they are all family one way or the other. Frank is the only one I still see or hear from. I miss them all. And here's where I begin to paint in broader strokes. It goes beyond these three guys. So many friends have fallen by the wayside.
Reading those emails awakened something inside me last night. I realize that for so long I tried and tried to keep friendships going and got so tired of being the one getting let down. When people stopped giving back or even trying to keep up, I stopped trying too. It has certainly narrowed my circle of friends, but I've always valued quality over quantity.