sooooo
so i am watching the same damn episode of family guy again like i haven't seen it. pause....... lol i am just trying to keep typing stream of consciousness style really it's kind of hard, i used to be able to do it easily but i can't so much anymore because my head is all clogged up with bad thoughts or irrelevant shit and i just want to get back to how i used to be. i don't know what kind of damage i've done to myself, and now that i think about it, i haven't done any damage at all. let's say, now that i DON'T think about it, i haven't done damage at all. it's all just some kind of mental change that i had some time. i got too beat up. i got all beat up, and then i beat up on myself some more. it's no way to live, being constantly down on myself. it's so hard to get out of though, when nothing seems to be going right, it's like, how could it ever change ? what's the point of trying even? i still try anyway, sort of. sometimes harder than other times, but every little thing, every phone call, every job application, every friendship and every little thing is an effort. it's so hard to be real. it's so hard to be real. i was thinking i was missing michigan and than florida sucked and maybe florida does suck but moving away is not going to change my situation too much, i'll still be miserable and feeling worthless just in a different part of the country. hopefully one of these bums can bum me a cigarette. there it is lol cig time.