Jun 24, 2010 23:02
i miss being all tripped out going on the damn drug chatroom thinking it was full of super realistic artificial intelligence. i missed those days because i had a shitty job that i didn't mind going to, i was going to school and getting Bs and Cs with minimal effort. i was with bethany and we didn't hate the fuck out of each other. things were much better and i wasn't depressed as fuck. i was all spiritual and shit all the time, a lot of it being due to the drugs, but a lot of it was real also. it was real enough where i was happy every day of my life, and when i lost my job at goodwill i could see the bright side and looked toward the future. i felt like i still had something. now i feel like i have nothing. i have lost it all and the hope and motivation to get it back or get something new is not there.
all i want to do right now is smoke cigarettes. i want to smoke a mad cigarette or two, but i don't have any.
anyway, every person i've met and place i've stayed at is another story. they're all interconnected too. it seems almost pointless to write about all this stuff because there is really only one person who may read it. i'm trying to keep it all for me, because that is real, and if i'm thinking about other people reading this then i'm not going to be real.
that's the difference between me now and me back then. i was way more real, and not afraid of it. now i don't know who i am, so how can i be real? where the hell did i lose myself? did i lose myself? have i always been myself? is the me now really that much different from the me from before? i don't know.
i really don't write enough. i have become super private and super quiet. i'm not all outspoken like i used to be. when did i feel the need to silence myself? it was probably some time around 2007 - 2008.