nonsense
I'm in such a weird place right now.
Broke down on Monday.
Turned in my half-done linguistics paper on Tuesday.
Had a math test on Wednesday.
Fish died on Thursday.
Yelled at someone today.
Got a 65 on that math test. Third D in that class, second D in a row. Thank God for a weighted midterm.
In between fighting with my boyfriend and wanting to never let him go all of this week.
Came out to some of my coworkers today. It was weird. There was a male and female sex sign conjoined on the whiteboard, and I couldn't help but but want to add two other symbols to show some gay and lesbian pride. They caught me in the act. "Is that the symbol for threesomes?" They ask, and I tell them no, it's for all sexualities.
"I'm bi," I said. "I like girls more, though."
"Really?" they asked.
"Yeah. I'm technically a lesbian, I guess. Technically. Been with my boy for almost 9 months though. He's a keeper."
"What makes your boyfriend so different?"
"I dunno, I guess I just realised he was one of the few boys I was ever attracted to. And then he listened to my problems, and he was there for me, and I realised I loved him. Besides, I just make fun of his cooties all the time."
"What do you like about girls then?"
I sputter out some response. "They're just nicer, I guess. Friendlier. More emotional. I kind of like that. Besides, all guys look the same." And, you know, I like boobs, and curves, and the way girls will make all the cute faces boys never do, I want to say, but I don't.
"Do you like... ever experiment? Like have threesomes?"
"No. I think my boy is too scared for that," I say with a laugh, but truthfully all I'm thinking about is how my jealousy would just get in the way.
I don't remember how the conversation starts anymore. All I can hear is him saying, "Besides, we could check out girls together, you know?"
And I hear my voice getting all quiet the way it does when I'm upset. We're talking about girls. And liking girls. And sex with girls. Usually this turns into laughing and joking around about penises and vaginas and cooties. (My relationship is kind of weird that way.) This time it doesn't.
At some point I say, "This makes me sound like every other girl out there, but we worry that when you look at another girl, that means that you don't want us anymore."
"Just because guys look at another girl doesn't mean they want to date them and come home to them. It's nice to have a girlfriend to come home to."
"Baby, do you really want to be with me?"
"Of course I do, sweetie."
"Why?
"Because I love you."
"Sweetie?"
"Yes?"
"Do you think I'm pretty?"
"Yes, I do. I wouldn't be with you if I didn't think you were."
And it's funny, in a way that it isn't funny, because we've spent the entire week struggling with each other. I must have told him a million times that I love him, that we should break up, that I'm awful, that I'm not good enough for him. And this week has been such an emotional hurricane that in the back of my mind, I'm still shocked that he still feels the same way after it all. And yet when I go to sleep I wonder if he'll still be there in the morning or if I'll wake up and be alone.
The trust issues are killer.
The anxiety is killer.
The research is still killer.
The workload is still killer.
I'm sitting here reading a webcomic because I'm playing avoidance procrastination, because I'm scared the second I pick up a textbook I'll break down into a god awful crying spree. Also extremely exhausted from the anxiety attack I had in math class after I found out about my test (See above). My grade in the class is a high B, low A so far. Not going to bet on the fact that it'll stay that way unless I figure out a way to pass my final, since it's weighted at 25% of my grade.
Tomorrow morning Andres is supposed to come over really early and we plan to cuddle while I'm still half comatose before heading out to Little Tokyo. I'm really happy to have a day to spend time with him because I barely ever get to talk to him anymore.
But.
My brain is killing me for it. My mind continually nags, "There's no time for boys! You're wasting your time! You should be studying! Writing! Researching! Being productive!" but I stopped listening to that voice a long time ago when I decided I couldn't handle the feeling of fighting with myself. Except now that voice is getting stronger and it's turning into anxiety attacks and I feel like such a procrastinator and oh god how am I going to transfer and graduate and become a linguist and move to Taiwan and
and
and
and
and I can't handle that. I really can't. On top of relationship struggles, losing my pet, the loss of my club (which, yes, I'm still not quite over for some reason. since when did this club become such a part of me?), dealing with school, trying to apply to transfer, the stuff with my clinc (God dammit WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE A THERAPIST WHO I DON'T EVEN TALK TO?!) trying to stay social and actually let people in who are trying to help -- it's impossible to deal with that on top of a mind that cannot stop going berserk. And if procrastinating is the way to avoid it, so be it.
And I know it's awful because for the first time in ages I'm being irresponsible. I'm adding onto my demise but I HATE the feeling that the only reason why I do anything anymore is to avoid the anxiety attacks, NOT because I want to actually do it. It takes the pleasure out of everything. It takes the learning, the satisfaction, the fun out of both the stressful stuff and the relaxing stuff. And it's awful because not only I feel like I can't get anything done, but I feel like I can't let loose and let go.
Everybody keeps telling me that somehow I'll figure it out. I want to believe them. The evidence is there, that somehow at the fiery pit of death I still make it out alive like Indiana Jones. (I wonder if I'm mixing up metaphors? Oh well.) Except this time I really don't think so. And it's funny because since I always make it through alive people still believe in me (don't believe in me?) and it's hard to figure out how to feel.
I just feel so confused. I don't feel like I can do this, but other people say I can but I don't really think so and what if I don't make it but everyone says I'll do fine and
It's. Confusing.
And it's weird because I know that the semester will end soon - motherfucking hell week 12 is now over and we will have only three weeks left of the semester starting next Monday but instead of feeling relieved I just feel like my head is going to cave in. I feel like I'm running out of time and any second now I'm going to be buried in hourglass sand and there'll be no one to turn the hourglass over until next semester.
It's awful. I wish I could spend time with my friends. I really miss all the people who were at my birthday. That was less than a month ago, why does it feel like it's been ages?
I miss people who I haven't had the chance to speak to in months. I miss people in Rainbow but I can never go anymore because it never fits into my schedule and I just feel too damn exhausted to make the effort. I miss Riss so damn bad because she could always make me giggle and laugh but I never talk to her anymore because I'm so stressed and it makes me so upset not to see her or even hear from her. I miss Ana but I never really see her and she never talks to me unless she's dealing with something ridiculous. I miss Kochan even though I do talk to her because I wish she was here to give me hugs and to do fun stuff with and basically make me FORGET how awful this feels. I miss Dusty even though she probably fucking hates my guts because I'm not on her side but I miss her so much it drives me crazy. Hell, I miss Elynn sometimes because she used to really get it but it's been what, two years since I've talked to her??? Sometimes I even miss Derek because I wouldn't even have to SAY anything, he would just know what was wrong and give me a hug and tell me "It's okay, it's alright" the way he did because right now I can't help but wish my life was the way it was before it got all fucked up and I wound up feeling so alone because school built these walls up around me. It's funny that I even miss Derek because I know he could give less of a shit about me even if I was dying but I miss him nonetheless because I hate how alone I feel and he never made me feel alone. I miss Bill, because I haven't had a dream of him in ages and I can't hear his "voice" (don't judge me) anymore, it's just this unreassuring silence that reminds me how bitter and lonely I feel.
I never really talk to anyone anymore, I just read their blogs or their facebook statuses and pretend I'm talking to them when I'm really not. That makes me sound like such a loner, doesn't it? But I never see anyone but Andres anymore and I barely even see Andres ever since he got a job and even though school should keep me busy it just makes me depressed.
And now I've been blogging for almost two hours. I guess I should just stop trying to let it out now, because I basically induced my own anxiety attack and I suppose I should just focus on calming down instead.
Broke down on Monday.
Turned in my half-done linguistics paper on Tuesday.
Had a math test on Wednesday.
Fish died on Thursday.
Yelled at someone today.
Got a 65 on that math test. Third D in that class, second D in a row. Thank God for a weighted midterm.
In between fighting with my boyfriend and wanting to never let him go all of this week.
Came out to some of my coworkers today. It was weird. There was a male and female sex sign conjoined on the whiteboard, and I couldn't help but but want to add two other symbols to show some gay and lesbian pride. They caught me in the act. "Is that the symbol for threesomes?" They ask, and I tell them no, it's for all sexualities.
"I'm bi," I said. "I like girls more, though."
"Really?" they asked.
"Yeah. I'm technically a lesbian, I guess. Technically. Been with my boy for almost 9 months though. He's a keeper."
"What makes your boyfriend so different?"
"I dunno, I guess I just realised he was one of the few boys I was ever attracted to. And then he listened to my problems, and he was there for me, and I realised I loved him. Besides, I just make fun of his cooties all the time."
"What do you like about girls then?"
I sputter out some response. "They're just nicer, I guess. Friendlier. More emotional. I kind of like that. Besides, all guys look the same." And, you know, I like boobs, and curves, and the way girls will make all the cute faces boys never do, I want to say, but I don't.
"Do you like... ever experiment? Like have threesomes?"
"No. I think my boy is too scared for that," I say with a laugh, but truthfully all I'm thinking about is how my jealousy would just get in the way.
I don't remember how the conversation starts anymore. All I can hear is him saying, "Besides, we could check out girls together, you know?"
And I hear my voice getting all quiet the way it does when I'm upset. We're talking about girls. And liking girls. And sex with girls. Usually this turns into laughing and joking around about penises and vaginas and cooties. (My relationship is kind of weird that way.) This time it doesn't.
At some point I say, "This makes me sound like every other girl out there, but we worry that when you look at another girl, that means that you don't want us anymore."
"Just because guys look at another girl doesn't mean they want to date them and come home to them. It's nice to have a girlfriend to come home to."
"Baby, do you really want to be with me?"
"Of course I do, sweetie."
"Why?
"Because I love you."
"Sweetie?"
"Yes?"
"Do you think I'm pretty?"
"Yes, I do. I wouldn't be with you if I didn't think you were."
And it's funny, in a way that it isn't funny, because we've spent the entire week struggling with each other. I must have told him a million times that I love him, that we should break up, that I'm awful, that I'm not good enough for him. And this week has been such an emotional hurricane that in the back of my mind, I'm still shocked that he still feels the same way after it all. And yet when I go to sleep I wonder if he'll still be there in the morning or if I'll wake up and be alone.
The trust issues are killer.
The anxiety is killer.
The research is still killer.
The workload is still killer.
I'm sitting here reading a webcomic because I'm playing avoidance procrastination, because I'm scared the second I pick up a textbook I'll break down into a god awful crying spree. Also extremely exhausted from the anxiety attack I had in math class after I found out about my test (See above). My grade in the class is a high B, low A so far. Not going to bet on the fact that it'll stay that way unless I figure out a way to pass my final, since it's weighted at 25% of my grade.
Tomorrow morning Andres is supposed to come over really early and we plan to cuddle while I'm still half comatose before heading out to Little Tokyo. I'm really happy to have a day to spend time with him because I barely ever get to talk to him anymore.
But.
My brain is killing me for it. My mind continually nags, "There's no time for boys! You're wasting your time! You should be studying! Writing! Researching! Being productive!" but I stopped listening to that voice a long time ago when I decided I couldn't handle the feeling of fighting with myself. Except now that voice is getting stronger and it's turning into anxiety attacks and I feel like such a procrastinator and oh god how am I going to transfer and graduate and become a linguist and move to Taiwan and
and
and
and
and I can't handle that. I really can't. On top of relationship struggles, losing my pet, the loss of my club (which, yes, I'm still not quite over for some reason. since when did this club become such a part of me?), dealing with school, trying to apply to transfer, the stuff with my clinc (God dammit WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE A THERAPIST WHO I DON'T EVEN TALK TO?!) trying to stay social and actually let people in who are trying to help -- it's impossible to deal with that on top of a mind that cannot stop going berserk. And if procrastinating is the way to avoid it, so be it.
And I know it's awful because for the first time in ages I'm being irresponsible. I'm adding onto my demise but I HATE the feeling that the only reason why I do anything anymore is to avoid the anxiety attacks, NOT because I want to actually do it. It takes the pleasure out of everything. It takes the learning, the satisfaction, the fun out of both the stressful stuff and the relaxing stuff. And it's awful because not only I feel like I can't get anything done, but I feel like I can't let loose and let go.
Everybody keeps telling me that somehow I'll figure it out. I want to believe them. The evidence is there, that somehow at the fiery pit of death I still make it out alive like Indiana Jones. (I wonder if I'm mixing up metaphors? Oh well.) Except this time I really don't think so. And it's funny because since I always make it through alive people still believe in me (don't believe in me?) and it's hard to figure out how to feel.
I just feel so confused. I don't feel like I can do this, but other people say I can but I don't really think so and what if I don't make it but everyone says I'll do fine and
It's. Confusing.
And it's weird because I know that the semester will end soon - motherfucking hell week 12 is now over and we will have only three weeks left of the semester starting next Monday but instead of feeling relieved I just feel like my head is going to cave in. I feel like I'm running out of time and any second now I'm going to be buried in hourglass sand and there'll be no one to turn the hourglass over until next semester.
It's awful. I wish I could spend time with my friends. I really miss all the people who were at my birthday. That was less than a month ago, why does it feel like it's been ages?
I miss people who I haven't had the chance to speak to in months. I miss people in Rainbow but I can never go anymore because it never fits into my schedule and I just feel too damn exhausted to make the effort. I miss Riss so damn bad because she could always make me giggle and laugh but I never talk to her anymore because I'm so stressed and it makes me so upset not to see her or even hear from her. I miss Ana but I never really see her and she never talks to me unless she's dealing with something ridiculous. I miss Kochan even though I do talk to her because I wish she was here to give me hugs and to do fun stuff with and basically make me FORGET how awful this feels. I miss Dusty even though she probably fucking hates my guts because I'm not on her side but I miss her so much it drives me crazy. Hell, I miss Elynn sometimes because she used to really get it but it's been what, two years since I've talked to her??? Sometimes I even miss Derek because I wouldn't even have to SAY anything, he would just know what was wrong and give me a hug and tell me "It's okay, it's alright" the way he did because right now I can't help but wish my life was the way it was before it got all fucked up and I wound up feeling so alone because school built these walls up around me. It's funny that I even miss Derek because I know he could give less of a shit about me even if I was dying but I miss him nonetheless because I hate how alone I feel and he never made me feel alone. I miss Bill, because I haven't had a dream of him in ages and I can't hear his "voice" (don't judge me) anymore, it's just this unreassuring silence that reminds me how bitter and lonely I feel.
I never really talk to anyone anymore, I just read their blogs or their facebook statuses and pretend I'm talking to them when I'm really not. That makes me sound like such a loner, doesn't it? But I never see anyone but Andres anymore and I barely even see Andres ever since he got a job and even though school should keep me busy it just makes me depressed.
And now I've been blogging for almost two hours. I guess I should just stop trying to let it out now, because I basically induced my own anxiety attack and I suppose I should just focus on calming down instead.