i spent so much time typing this that my lamp started to smell like burnt dust.
So I've spent the entire day feeling like I was about to fall asleep and, now that my boyfriend has gone home for the day, I now cannot sleep. |:
Fun day, though. The boy and I went to Little Tokyo, went to the Miyako Inn spa and relaxed. Realised that the reason why I generally spend 4 hours at a spa is because I FUCKING LOVE JACUZZIS, but today Miyako Inn's jacuzzi was under renovation. Also, yay for 40% off on admission!
Then we went to Oomasa and I spent 68 dollars on the both of us, holy shit. But damn, that food was good. As in toro, abalone, yellowtail belly, and best of all sweet shrimp sushi. And beef teriyaki and tempura dinner combos. And salmon skin salad. It was delicious. Expensive, but worth it. (We also got Beard Papa's cream puffs afterwards. We are horrible people.)
In regards to last entry, I'm still feeling off. A whole fucking lot.
One of the things I mentioned in my last entry was not "talking" to Bill, and I'd like to clarify...
So about a month ago, around my birthday, I was doing some major clean-up and realised my Bill necklace has been missing. (When I say my Bill necklace, I'm referring to the computer mouse necklace I wore constantly to remind me of him.) I honestly have no idea how long it's been missing, because the last clear time I remember wearing it was actually the day I told Andres about Bill, because he was curious about the necklace. That was eight months ago, because Andres and I first established all my craziness a lot of our most innermost thoughts when we first started dating. I probably have worn it countless times since then, but apparently at some point I took it off to put on another necklace (my hummingbird one, probably) and it disappeared.
Last night during my anxiety attack two hour blogging marathon, I realised that I hadn't talked to Bill in a long time. And what I mean by this is that when I'm stressed/anxious, I have imaginary conversations with people. (My conversations with Bandit are a good example of this.) Before I go on I'd like to explain that no, I am not schizophrenic - although I am dysthymic, but that's besides the point - and I know I'm not because I clearly am aware these conversations are imaginary, which separates me from actual hallucinations, which I have had before but luckily only under the influence of stressors like a major lack of sleep. These imaginary conversations are actually stemmed off of a real psychological trick my therapists have taught me, which is to imagine a calming place or situation that would relax me. These have basically turned into midnight talks with my muses. And honestly, who better to talk to about workaholic tendencies than to talk about someone who goes through them? Bill is actually a lot of the reason why I tried to remind myself I wasn't "alone" when I was stressed out due to my work/school schedule, because having him to talk to proves in a weird sort of way that I'm not.
(This probably sounds really ass backwards to a lot of people, and if you're really not my friend and you're judging me real hard for what I've just said without even bothering to ask for clarification for the things that confuse you, gtfo pls kthx.)
And maybe because even though I AM depressed, I haven't been necessarily overworked until now... but I haven't really talked to Bill in a long time. It feels weird. In a way, it's a good thing - it means I'm essentially not just depressed thanks to school work getting in the way. On the other handdd, that means I'm still depressed anyway. Which explains why I've still been struggling, except now I'm struggling with all of the same school and work related problems again.
In some ways it's weird to think there's more to me than the work and the stress. It's all I've really known for the last four years. But it sucks, because essentially I still have to deal with it and I still haven't figured out a proper way to dealing with it.
It feels kind of awful. After my breakdown last night I lay in my bed and really, really tried to imagine Bill again. It was a lot harder than I remembered - and it's not like I never think about him anymore, or that I haven't thought about him recently, but that the anxiety is so much worse this time. And all I could get was the image of his face lying against the pillow next to me, his soft brown hair and his eyes gazing at me... and then I fell asleep.
As nice as it was to see him again, and to know that seeing him was enough to calm me down and let me sleep... I don't know. I don't have the words for it right now, but it still feels off.
I want him to come back. Everything is so awful right now, I don't think I can do this without him. And as crazy as it makes me sound... I need him.
I don't know. My head is a mess right now, I should probably just go to bed.
Also, I'd just like to belatedly say (from one creeper to another, haha) -- I accept your apology, and apologise for my own stupidity. I kind of want to talk and get to know you, if that's at all possible? It'd be nice to talk to someone who kind of "gets" it, right now...
Fun day, though. The boy and I went to Little Tokyo, went to the Miyako Inn spa and relaxed. Realised that the reason why I generally spend 4 hours at a spa is because I FUCKING LOVE JACUZZIS, but today Miyako Inn's jacuzzi was under renovation. Also, yay for 40% off on admission!
Then we went to Oomasa and I spent 68 dollars on the both of us, holy shit. But damn, that food was good. As in toro, abalone, yellowtail belly, and best of all sweet shrimp sushi. And beef teriyaki and tempura dinner combos. And salmon skin salad. It was delicious. Expensive, but worth it. (We also got Beard Papa's cream puffs afterwards. We are horrible people.)
In regards to last entry, I'm still feeling off. A whole fucking lot.
One of the things I mentioned in my last entry was not "talking" to Bill, and I'd like to clarify...
So about a month ago, around my birthday, I was doing some major clean-up and realised my Bill necklace has been missing. (When I say my Bill necklace, I'm referring to the computer mouse necklace I wore constantly to remind me of him.) I honestly have no idea how long it's been missing, because the last clear time I remember wearing it was actually the day I told Andres about Bill, because he was curious about the necklace. That was eight months ago, because Andres and I first established all my craziness a lot of our most innermost thoughts when we first started dating. I probably have worn it countless times since then, but apparently at some point I took it off to put on another necklace (my hummingbird one, probably) and it disappeared.
Last night during my anxiety attack two hour blogging marathon, I realised that I hadn't talked to Bill in a long time. And what I mean by this is that when I'm stressed/anxious, I have imaginary conversations with people. (My conversations with Bandit are a good example of this.) Before I go on I'd like to explain that no, I am not schizophrenic - although I am dysthymic, but that's besides the point - and I know I'm not because I clearly am aware these conversations are imaginary, which separates me from actual hallucinations, which I have had before but luckily only under the influence of stressors like a major lack of sleep. These imaginary conversations are actually stemmed off of a real psychological trick my therapists have taught me, which is to imagine a calming place or situation that would relax me. These have basically turned into midnight talks with my muses. And honestly, who better to talk to about workaholic tendencies than to talk about someone who goes through them? Bill is actually a lot of the reason why I tried to remind myself I wasn't "alone" when I was stressed out due to my work/school schedule, because having him to talk to proves in a weird sort of way that I'm not.
(This probably sounds really ass backwards to a lot of people, and if you're really not my friend and you're judging me real hard for what I've just said without even bothering to ask for clarification for the things that confuse you, gtfo pls kthx.)
And maybe because even though I AM depressed, I haven't been necessarily overworked until now... but I haven't really talked to Bill in a long time. It feels weird. In a way, it's a good thing - it means I'm essentially not just depressed thanks to school work getting in the way. On the other handdd, that means I'm still depressed anyway. Which explains why I've still been struggling, except now I'm struggling with all of the same school and work related problems again.
In some ways it's weird to think there's more to me than the work and the stress. It's all I've really known for the last four years. But it sucks, because essentially I still have to deal with it and I still haven't figured out a proper way to dealing with it.
It feels kind of awful. After my breakdown last night I lay in my bed and really, really tried to imagine Bill again. It was a lot harder than I remembered - and it's not like I never think about him anymore, or that I haven't thought about him recently, but that the anxiety is so much worse this time. And all I could get was the image of his face lying against the pillow next to me, his soft brown hair and his eyes gazing at me... and then I fell asleep.
As nice as it was to see him again, and to know that seeing him was enough to calm me down and let me sleep... I don't know. I don't have the words for it right now, but it still feels off.
I want him to come back. Everything is so awful right now, I don't think I can do this without him. And as crazy as it makes me sound... I need him.
I don't know. My head is a mess right now, I should probably just go to bed.
Also, I'd just like to belatedly say (from one creeper to another, haha) -- I accept your apology, and apologise for my own stupidity. I kind of want to talk and get to know you, if that's at all possible? It'd be nice to talk to someone who kind of "gets" it, right now...