3 Days S/P losing.....my world
Sorry for the medical lingo up top - bascially its day #3 status post (after) losing my world.
I know I have some of you a little worried out there, thats why I am doing a little update.
"...and if you want to hear god laugh tell him your plan..."
I actually made it to work today. For 13 hours. That was 13 hours I didn't spend on my floor, desperately trying to figure out whats wrong with me.
Now, though, its a little different.
I'm home (alone), and the first thing I normally do when I get home from work is call him. By habit, I actually dialed the number...but I stopped myself.
Now I'm trying to see how I'm going to handle the no-goodnight phone call. Normally if I don't get one of those, I don't sleep. Plain. Simple. Cut. Dry.
I promised him that I would do my very best to try not to call today. And I really am. Half the reason I am updating this is that it keeps my head and hands busy so I don't do the auto-dial of my phone.
I want him to have what he wants.
But I want to have what I want (and he used to want) too...and the only way I can do that right now is by letting him have his space...which is literally ripping me apart.
Once I get my surgery schedule I'm going up to NY for the day and getting on some anti-anxiety meds. I've been like this long enough, and it's finally caused me to lose the one thing that is most important to me. Although yesterday (while I was curled up on the floor for about oh, 14 hours) I had a lot of time to look reflect into myself and realize ALL my bad qualities. I'm not going to bore you (or give you the benefit) of knowing most of these, but if I wasn't completely an anxiety freak, it sounds like at least 75% of the "problems" that we've had would not have occurred, because I could keep my worries in check (ie. worrying about things that actually need to be worried about...like my test this friday and the paper i have yet to do and the 200 pages of cecil yet to be read...) and my faith in people (everyone, not just relationships) would go up.
For right now, though, there is nothing I can do. I know what he wants. And I've made it obnoxiously clear what I want. And the only way to (maybe) get what I want is to give him what he wants. And how I've already begun to change. Not just for him, but for me as well.
But as for right now, heres the Jess status:
- Last Meal - well the offical one was the breakfast I had at Bob Evans before all this happened, but there was a half of container of yogurt involved yesterday. Before people start with the lectures, I'm trying. But my stomach is really upset right now, and most foods just don't want to stay down. I've tried.
- Last time crying - I can't lie, like 5 minutes ago. But thats because I went into my bathroom and turned the light on. What's so sad about that? Thats the last thing he did before he broke up with me - fixed the lightbulb in my bathroom. ::teardrop:: you can call me a loser, but these are the thigns that happen. Before that it was in my car because he was the last person to sit in the passinger seat. The list goes on and on....
- Last time calling him - last night (so far!) . Honestly, I really just want to talk to him, see how his day went, and things like that. But I made the mistake last night of calling because it was dark out and my apartment was dark out, and he was out with his friend. Again, thats just something that was out of pure habit ( and in my own defense, before he left I DID ask him if that was ok and he said yes), but I really didn't want to interupt his night with his friend. After all, thats what I've been doing all along....
- Where have I been sleeping?? Last night I tried my bed but it threw me into a panic attack. So its been on the living room floor (since I don't have any furniture....its either that or the dining room table that he put together...which depresses me too).
- Where am I on all this crap I need to get done for Friday?? Well - I have 1 of 2 evaluations of me done, I finished all the evaluations that I have to do, as well as my checklist. I wrote up all my H+P and SOAP notes. Sounds good right? Ohhh wait, I also need to write a 10 page paper, read about 200 pages of Cecil, get my log book up to date, and then get another evaluation tomorrow. HAHAHAHA. We'll see how well THAT all happens.
- You Drinking these days? Not alcohol! Please, I'm having enough trouble not sober dialing, that I don't need to add drunk dialing to my list of things to do to piss him off. And when I sober, I saw the wrong things anyway, things that I really don't mean. Now can you imagine Jess after drinking.....NOT PLEASANT! Sadly, this benefit is all his because right now all I want to be is intoxicated all the time.
I know so many of you (well, not that many people read this so maybe not!) think that I am overreacting to the situation. But how do you think you would feel in my situation? I thought the worst was over, I mean, I've lived down here now for about 60 weeks, give or take. And I only have 40 more left (and unfortunately 5 of those are in the works to be in Maine...)everyone helped make him moving out of here ok because they said "You can do it!" "You've done it before!" And I believed them.
I don't want to end this on a depressing note or by sounding bitter, because I'm really not bitter about the whole thing - just really upset because I thought we had a great thing going and was looking forward to the future that we had planned together. And I can't lie - I still am because I believe that we still have it. Call me delusional. Call me desperate. Call me completlely in love.
Drop me a comment if you read this, encouraging or not so encouraging words, whatever, are always needed. Sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to show you whats wrong with yourself.